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Rude wedding invite
212

BatFink260 · 28/04/2022 17:33

AIBU to think this wedding invite comes across as intentionally luke warm? From my cousin whom I always thought I had a good relationship with, if not a close one. We live in the same city, I received the following via text:

“Hey BatFink,

I’m getting married in two weeks’ time.

Obviously you’re invited but I do understand with baby you may not want to come

The wedding will be at such and such church at such and such time, followed by dinner at 6pm”

That was all. As I say we’re not close but grew up together and see each other a few times a year. It doesn’t seem like a genuine invitation to me at all. Thoughts?

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Am I being unreasonable?

AIBU

You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.

Buffs · 29/04/2022 19:12

It’s fine. I’m assuming it’s a casual low key, casual wedding. She probably doesn’t want a fuss or to put people out. I did this.

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Flatwhitetostayin · 29/04/2022 19:26

May be she is clarifying that you are invited as perhaps her mum was supposed to invite you when she rang your mum?

But big red flag that you seem to think she should be grateful to you because she lived with you as a baby.

Weddings are expensive. Even if you have taken someone's place, she has still prioritised you over people she most probably sees more than twice a year.

I also don't read it as your baby isn't invited. Unless it says no children on an invite, I would always assume a baby was welcome.

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ShelleBelle2022 · 29/04/2022 20:12

Could be because of your baby. She may not want babies at the wedding and just doesn't want to say so. So she invited you last minute believing you'd decline.

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Booboobagins · 29/04/2022 20:38

I gave out invitations to friends just 2 weeks before our wedding - we agreed the date with family but hadn't booked everything until 2 weeks beforehand. Funny they all came, lol!

Your cousin sounds like it's a quick decision, I think she'd like you there but it giving you tge option not to go and nit feel bad about it.

If I was you, I'd go and enjoy it.

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Shelby2010 · 29/04/2022 20:44

It could be that she thought the invitation to your parents covered you too? And is now unsure whether you are coming?

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Hmm1234 · 29/04/2022 21:02

I would not be offended had a similar thing happen to me but I am known as the cousin who often flakes on family plans so they usually just presume I won’t be coming..and that was before I had the baby! Lol

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BornBlonde · 29/04/2022 21:22

I think it's odd you didn't at least get a written evening invite before now. So I think someone has mentioned you and she know feels forced to invite you after someone dropped out

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Shanstn · 29/04/2022 22:19

You're being petty. It's a cousin...not a sister or child. Do yall talk on a regular basis? Do you invite her to functions or over to eat or anything? Maybe they only could have a certain amount of people and when someone couldn't make it, they went down the list. Or maybe they wanted to keep it small and intimate and changed their mind at the last minute.
To me, it sounds like there's a resentment towards her so you're looking for anything to nit pick. If you feel you're an afterthought, don't go.

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Shanstn · 29/04/2022 22:22

I also think it's funny that you would expect your 18mo old should have gotten an invite.

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Toomuchtrouble4me · 29/04/2022 22:39

I think it’s ok. Maybe she’s a bit insecure? Possibly she thinks you won’t want to come and is giving you the easy way out?

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BatFink260 · 29/04/2022 22:58

But big red flag that you seem to think she should be grateful to you because she lived with you as a baby. 

Goodness me. That’s quite a leap you’ve made there. I mentioned that she lived with us as a baby in relation to the fact that I feel sad we’ve clearly drifted very far from how close we once were. I probably should’ve added that after she returned home at the age of two we had weekly play dates until we were about 8 years old.

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BatFink260 · 29/04/2022 23:01

I also think it's funny that you would expect your 18mo old should have gotten an invite.

I noted that my 18 month old didn’t receive an invite in response to someone asking me whether they had or not. Read the thread!

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Kite22 · 29/04/2022 23:40

Tangled123 · 28/04/2022 23:56

I don’t think the invite is rude, just a bit blunt.
I think there are two options here,

  1. you’re filling a space for someone who dropped out
  2. she genuinely thought you wouldn’t go because of the baby. Someone told her she was wrong (your mum possibly), so then invited you because she wants you there.
  3. she doesn’t like fuss and doesn’t want to burden people with feeling like they have to come to the wedding, especially if she doesn’t talk to them frequently. That’s why she implied you don’t have to go.

This ^ but I'm going to add an extra possibility, which is

4 She has chosen to be very informal, and not send invitations (you say your Mum was invited by your Aunt, on the phone) and this has led to a bit of confusion over who was speaking to whom......so she assumed her Mum (your Aunt) was inviting you as well as your Mum, in a vague "I'll invite the Finks" conversation with her Mum, and in sitting down to do a table plan or confirm numbers for caterers, it came to light they both assumed the other was inviting you. Not everyone is an efficient, spreadsheet kind of a person.

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Kokod537 · 30/04/2022 00:00

If you're close maybe they felt that was ok, especially considering how expensive weddings get. It's not a privilege to them for you to be a guest it's a privilege to you to even be invited. Guests need to understand its not about you or your baby. You are there to honor a couple. Most think its about how the guests get treated but it's not. If you want to dictate invites than maybe you should offer to pay for them. Stop making it about you and go support your cousin.

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milkyaqua · 30/04/2022 00:13

Shit wedding invite at last minute by text. How can anyone (let alone so many thin-lipped responses lecturing the OP) interpret that as anything other than it is?

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LadyCariTTC · 30/04/2022 04:49

My husband and I eloped in 2017. The only people there were his daughter and my mother to take pictures. However, in May 2020, my husband got baptized and confirmed into our Church. We were giving less than three weeks notice that we could also get our marriage convalidated on the same day right after his confirmation ceremony. We both have large families, but since we didn’t have to pay for the church or the ceremony, we kept it small, his immediate family and my mother and aunt. I invited my best friend from out of the area but she couldn’t make it in time.
All in all…it’s very possible to have a church wedding on very short notice and not have time for the paper filigree invites and pomp and circumstance. I think she wants you there, but maybe she’s thinking you don’t want your baby around all of the people, and she doesn’t want to get her hopes up. Or has your baby been sick recently? There are plenty of reasons to give you the out on this without it being her not wanting you there.

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Bournetilly · 30/04/2022 06:17

YANBU
I think the wording is OK maybe she doesn’t want you to think you have to go with two weeks notice.
But it’s very strange to send a text invite with 2 weeks notice, that seems off.

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Swayingpalmtrees · 30/04/2022 07:27

wombat I just wanted to mention on reflection that had the text been worded more warmly, and had the bride shown some enthusiasm for op to come and be with her on her big day, I may have felt differently about it.

The curt, abrupt cold indifference would totally put me off. It is the last minute nature of the wedding invite. That is what it is.

I put myself out for people, generally speaking, but not for people that could not care less whether I was there or not! The text is very cold, and not as much as a line I hope to see you there or anything. It would be a solid no from me, as a result.

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Swayingpalmtrees · 30/04/2022 07:29

If she didn't want you to feel you had to go op, she could have just said I know it might be tricky with the baby, but we would love to see you all if you can come. It was the wording that was off, no encouragement or warmth at all.
I am sorry to say I think it was a duty invite, and she doesn't like you very much.

Has your Mum asked for you to go or the Aunt put some pressure on the bride do you think?

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LuckySantangelo35 · 30/04/2022 07:41

catandcoffee · 28/04/2022 17:37

wow... meaning leave your child at home. Not really bothered if you come or not.

yep you generally do have to leave your kids at home when you go to a wedding

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RampantIvy · 30/04/2022 09:18

Have you declined the invitation yet?

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prettyteapotsplease · 30/04/2022 09:36

An equally off-hand reply may be in order. "Hey bride, obviously I won't be attending."

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shoopkitten · 30/04/2022 09:39

Im not great at social situations most of the time. When i ask people to do something for me/go somewhere/attend something, i always let the person know they do not have to do it and its fine if they dont. Which is what it sounds like she is doing here. Honestly 3 months to plan and book a wedding is an insanely short time-frame. They may have been rushing to get everything set and your cousin thought her mom invited you when she invited your parents, and your aunt thought your cousin would be the one to invite you. Since your parents were invited by phone, it seems like the invitations are just super casual. You seem to be way overthinking the wording. It sounds like she is saying she assumed you would know you were invited even though you did not get the invitation earlier.

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RampantIvy · 30/04/2022 09:41

prettyteapotsplease · 30/04/2022 09:36

An equally off-hand reply may be in order. "Hey bride, obviously I won't be attending."

Grin
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RampantIvy · 30/04/2022 09:43

When i ask people to do something for me/go somewhere/attend something, i always let the person know they do not have to do it and its fine if they dont.

You have to be very careful here. If it is an invitation then it comes across that you aren't bothered whether they come or not, and isn't very friendly.

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