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Rude wedding invite
212

BatFink260 · 28/04/2022 17:33

AIBU to think this wedding invite comes across as intentionally luke warm? From my cousin whom I always thought I had a good relationship with, if not a close one. We live in the same city, I received the following via text:

“Hey BatFink,

I’m getting married in two weeks’ time.

Obviously you’re invited but I do understand with baby you may not want to come

The wedding will be at such and such church at such and such time, followed by dinner at 6pm”

That was all. As I say we’re not close but grew up together and see each other a few times a year. It doesn’t seem like a genuine invitation to me at all. Thoughts?

OP's posts:
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Am I being unreasonable?

AIBU

You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.

Justmuddlingalong · 29/04/2022 00:16

"Thanks for the invite, I'll get back to you nearer the time." 😉

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DailySheetWasher · 29/04/2022 00:38

I'd reply with the same level of interest...

"Thanks"

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safclass · 29/04/2022 00:48

Who else is going that you know?
What are their invites like?
If they're very different it sounds like someone has dropped out, if they're similar it's a 'we'd like you to be here but no pressure '

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milkyaqua · 29/04/2022 01:05

Obviously you're invited.... but do me a favour and don't come. Rude!

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Incapacitated · 29/04/2022 01:10

It depends on what she's usually like.

I do get the vibe that paying for that seat isn't something she's dying to do.

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onemorerose · 29/04/2022 01:27

Floraanddougal · 28/04/2022 17:58

She doesn’t want you there and someone has made her invite you. I’m sorry. Just give it a miss. I would add though you are not close nor do you have any form of real relationship if you didn’t even know when she was getting married, where and when, and the text makes it clear you didn’t know.

as such it’s a small wedding just church and dinner, it’s not personal. You just don’t really have any form of relationship.

Sorry but absolutely this. Unless it’s a last minute wedding.

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onemorerose · 29/04/2022 01:38

CapMarvel · 28/04/2022 22:14

Seems fine to me, just an informal invitation. If you don't want to go, just don't go.

If you aren't close to her what more do you think you deserve?

Seriously? That’s not an invite you would send to anyone, especially not a distant person.
I am picturing my nearest and dearest faces if that half assed invite was extended to them. It’s not good. Unless you want to go, gotta love a family wedding, don’t go. Just suit yourself.

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CorpusCallosum · 29/04/2022 01:39

I'll never understand how so many people can find wedding invitations 'offensive'.

She's literally planning a wedding in 2 weeks time; she's busy. So what if her tone is not as gushing as you want?? So what If you are covering someone who dropped out?? How is that more worse than not being invited??

Go, don't go, it doesn't matter, just don't go making her feel bad because you read a load of batshit subtext into a text message. That's unkind.

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CorpusCallosum · 29/04/2022 01:41

I did not mean to say 'more worse' 🙄 oh for an edit button

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milkyaqua · 29/04/2022 01:55

She's literally planning a wedding in 2 weeks time

She booked the church in January.

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runnerswimmer · 29/04/2022 02:55

In all honesty I wouldnt care if I was on the reserve / B list and then got an invite. Weddings are blooming expensive so obviously numbers are limited, and if people drop out I see no reason that its offensive to invite others, its better than having empty seats and food going begging. I understand that others will take priority if I am a more distant relative or a casual friend / colleague.

I am fairly sure I have got a couple of invites when I wasnt not on the original guest list (again short notice), the only difference is that I didnt spend a lot on their wedding gifts like I have done in other weddings.

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Swayingpalmtrees · 29/04/2022 06:12

I find it so surprising that so many people are more than happy despite knowing they are most definitely a second tier b list choice invited at the last minute to make up the numbers, want or would go anyway!

Do you have no self esteem?
No invites?
No other life?
Your time has no value?

It is not okay to give anyone the impression that if it were not for a number of declines from others you like much more. you are forced to invite people you don't like and wouldn't have chosen! It is the very height of bad manners at best.

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Swayingpalmtrees · 29/04/2022 06:19

Op given your shared history seems to matter more to you, than her. I really think the message is abrupt at best and not friendly whatsoever for whatever reason.
I wouldn't go, wish her all the best and send a card. Weddings with babies are a pure nightmare and you will spend the service outside most likely.

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HairyBum · 29/04/2022 06:31

I think you’re reading too much into it. Sounds like she understands you’ve a lot on with new baby and doesn’t want you to feel obligated if things are too much

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HairyBum · 29/04/2022 06:38

with weddings the A list often is often people you feel obliged to invite (moody uncle Trevor) and those closest. The B list is a result of limited numbers, people you want to come but lower priority. Personally I wouldn’t feel offended, it’s impossible to get it right

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WildCoasts · 29/04/2022 06:48

It really depends on her usual communication style, how formal the wedding is, etc. I wouldn't read too much into it. Do you want to go? Let that be your deciding factor. With two weeks it's to be expected many people will have already made other plans.

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SquirrelG · 29/04/2022 06:51

I find it so surprising that so many people are more than happy despite knowing they are most definitely a second tier b list choice invited at the last minute to make up the numbers, want or would go anyway!

Oh for goodness sake! Weddings are expensive, people can't invite everyone they might want to, so if invited guests can't make it why not ask someone else? I find it surprising so many people are so precious about these things.

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OldWivesTale · 29/04/2022 06:58

Sounds fine to me. You're reading far too much into this.

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WombatChocolate · 29/04/2022 08:39

I guess lots of people have delicate egos. They need a gushing invitation. They need to feel they were at the top of the list of invites. They need to feel their personal circumstances have been fully recognised, considered and factored in. They need lots of notice so that they feel important. They have delicate egos and cannot or will not cope with any sense that they weren’t top of the invitation list. Shock horror at the idea they were on a reserve list. They are offended by anything worded that doesn’t stroke their ego, or seem to out them first.

so many people offended. So many suggested snippy replies or reactions.

It really makes me wonder about how people cope in life. Most of the time we aren’t top of the list (and that’s fine) and in reality people speak clumsily and sometimes are insensitive. So what? Why does it matter so much? How can anyone manage in the world and actually progress somewhere like the workplace if they are always looking to take offence. It’s the kind of atttitude one might expect from an immature early teen.

And the thing is, when people have this attitude, they pass it into their kids. Their kids are offended by peers, family, teachers. They see offence everywhere where it doesn’t exist and they lack resilience to just move on from it, but dwell on it and let it become a big deal and barrier in life. And they are the ones impacted.

Life involves a lot of ‘bearing with’. Everyday, someone might look at you in a way you don’t like (if you can bothered to notice or care) or push in front of you in a queue, or not use the most polite words when speaking to you, or be insensitive. The best and mature approach is to not even notice most of those, and for those that you do, to notice and move on almost immediately. Save the outrage for things that actually matter. Have a sense of perspective.

Is this poster also posting about the big things going on at the moment? Or are they just totally inward looking and lacking perspective so this is taking up their headspace? Why this reaction and not ‘Oh good, my cousin has invited me to the wedding’. It’s a mindset thing isn’t it.

Firtunately lots of posters on this thread also see how daft it all is, but lots also take offence on behalf of Op. They will be people easily offended and annoyed in RL. Their kids will be learning that approach to life. It’s not the route to happiness.

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WombatChocolate · 29/04/2022 08:46

SwayingPalmTrees…..the thing bout ‘don’t you have any self esteem’

Actually, it’s people with low self esteem who take offence at these tiny little things. It’s people usually who have limited success in their own lives and who need affirmation through things like being top of an invitation list or a gushingly worded invitation.

People with high self esteem tend to have more perspective and see a bigger picture. They realise that events like weddings are expensive. They realise that people might have other people in their lives that are more important to them…and that realisation doesn’t have the effect of crushing or upsetting them or offending them. It’s a ‘hey ho’ kind of thing.

People with high self esteem don’t have to prove themselves or have their ego stroked by everyone around them treading on eggshells because X is ‘touchy and sensitive’.

Ove the years I’ve been invited to over 70 weddings. There have been some where the invitation came last minute…sometimes a couple of days before. I knew was low down on the list. I knew d been invited becaue someone else dropped out. That was fine. Sometimes I went if it worked out practically, and had a great time. Sometimes I decline. Never was I offended to get an invitation. Sometimes I’ve thought things like invitations ir emails are poorly worded. I don’t take offence, but realise many people aren’t terribly articulate. On paper or email, tone is often lost and even in person, sometimes people express a meaning they don’t intend. I can cope with that. Fortunately my self worth doesn’t come from people saying the right thing to me all the time and making sure I’m included as top of the list.

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Zilla1 · 29/04/2022 08:59

HNRTT but are you reasonably certain the other guests with whom the bride are not especially close didn't receive a similarly informal invite? Regarding the text, for someone with whom you've said you are not close, it seems considerate of your baby and avoids offence at the 'she expects me to go when I've a baby' and 'she didn't invite me because of the baby' scenarios.

Perhaps try not to look for offence.

Good luck.

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milkyaqua · 29/04/2022 09:07

Fortunately my self worth doesn’t come from people saying the right thing to me all the time and making sure I’m included as top of the list.

Took an awful lot of words to big yourself up at the OP's expense.

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Autienotnaughtie · 29/04/2022 09:33

Texts are always ambiguous not the best way to give information. It sounds casual anyway as no one is getting paper invites.

I read the "obviously your invited" as of course I want you there, that's a given rather than it being obligatory. The child comment depends if children are invited, either it's saying if you can get/are happy to get a babysitter or it's saying will understand if bringing toddler will be stressful for you.

It is a casual invite and does have a underlying "come if you want" to it but I get the impression your cousin wants you to come but they are not offended if you prefer not to. I would base my reply on if I actually want to attend text aside. If I wanted to go I would go.

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WombatChocolate · 29/04/2022 09:35

Milky, my comment was to another poster that I referenced at the top.

And I referenced numerous other posters too, who suggested snippy replies or actions OP should take.

My interest is more in the responses than OP’s situation.

MN is about debate isn’t it. It’s about being able to express different views and to think about what people say and why. A good discussion is very satisfying for me….and I don’t mind if people disagree with me. I’m not offended, but interested by their reasoning.

It’s an interesting question isn’t it arising from this thread and all the responses…..what should we be offended by?

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CapMarvel · 29/04/2022 09:42

onemorerose · 29/04/2022 01:38

Seriously? That’s not an invite you would send to anyone, especially not a distant person.
I am picturing my nearest and dearest faces if that half assed invite was extended to them. It’s not good. Unless you want to go, gotta love a family wedding, don’t go. Just suit yourself.

It's fine. People who don't constantly feel the need to analyse everything to the tiniest little detail will just see it for an informal invite that is giving the OP an easy get out if she doesn't want to come.

OP herself has said she isn't close, so if she has been given a backup invite so what?

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