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Rude wedding invite
212

BatFink260 · 28/04/2022 17:33

AIBU to think this wedding invite comes across as intentionally luke warm? From my cousin whom I always thought I had a good relationship with, if not a close one. We live in the same city, I received the following via text:

“Hey BatFink,

I’m getting married in two weeks’ time.

Obviously you’re invited but I do understand with baby you may not want to come

The wedding will be at such and such church at such and such time, followed by dinner at 6pm”

That was all. As I say we’re not close but grew up together and see each other a few times a year. It doesn’t seem like a genuine invitation to me at all. Thoughts?

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Am I being unreasonable?

AIBU

You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.

blissinblue · 03/05/2022 21:33

@Mrex - I agree :)

Or maybe they didn't even think to invite, assuming the OP would be too busy with the baby.

@Kite22 - I think @mudbone means the photo that's posted at the top.

@mudbone - it says it was a text invitation, so I don't think the photo is for this instance.

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blissinblue · 03/05/2022 21:28

Weddings are one of the most stressful life events - right after the death of a loved one, and a divorce. She invited you. Be happy. There's no need to make big deals out of the small things in life.

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Kite22 · 02/05/2022 17:20

Exactly, MRex.

Can you explain what you mean @mudbone ?

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MRex · 02/05/2022 07:58

I would take it that she wants you there, it's just clumsy wording and a bit late. Could have been
"Mum, you invited the Finks, are they coming?",
"Oh yes, add both of them",
"and what about Bat Fink?"
"I thought you were inviting her?"
"No mum, you were calling family. Shit. I'll text her."

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Indicatrice · 02/05/2022 07:06

mudbone · 02/05/2022 01:07

if the invite is the one posted in the one i saw when i opened this post it says June 12 2024 two years away smh😵

I don’t get it?

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mudbone · 02/05/2022 01:07

if the invite is the one posted in the one i saw when i opened this post it says June 12 2024 two years away smh😵

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WillWjo · 01/05/2022 18:01

It sounds as if the bride wanted a children-free wedding. That is not an unreasonable request. A bride expends effort, tears, and money on her wedding day. If she prefers not to hear crying, that is her choice. I might not like it, but I will respect it

As everyone else speculates, perhaps a parent or trusted adult mentioned that they did not see your name on the invitation list. It happens.

Getting spun up and emotionally reacting to what you perceive as rude was not likely the intent. I suspect a quick call would clear up the why. Maybe you were a fill-in. Most venues restrict capacity to comply with COVID guidelines. Suppose the bride knows a few immunocompromised guests plan to attend. Perhaps excluding children was to allow those people to attend. If the venue reduced the capacity by half, would you waste a spot on a baby who has no idea of what is going on or invite someone that can consciously be there to celebrate on your big day?

If you do not want to find a sitter and be at the wedding, text your cousin saying that "since no children can attend, you must decline. Enjoy your big day. I am happy for you. Thank you for putting me on your invitation list."

After sending the text, let go of the hurt and move forward. Remember, your kid is watching you. They will model your behavior when they do not get invited to a classmate's birthday sometime in the future. I would likely thank my cousin for not inviting me. That is two to three hours that I get to keep.

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Kite22 · 30/04/2022 20:19

I very much agree with both of @WombatChocolate 's posts on P7.

I went to a wedding once after a phone call the day before, asking if I would like to. Obviously someone had dropped out / was ill, and obviously I hadn't been invited in the first instance but I wouldn't have expected to have been invited in the first place, so my thinking was: I had a choice on being invited.
Either:
I could be like many on this thread and take offence. The result being I am sitting at home for the day, being bitter, and two meals / drinks etc are wasted.
or
I could think, 'How nice of them to consider me/us, in the circumstances'. So I said 'Oh, how lovely', and dh and I went along and enjoyed a lovely day.

So, if I were you OP, I would reply based on whether you fancy a nice day out with family and friends celebrating your cousin's wedding, or not.

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Runnerduck34 · 30/04/2022 16:12

Asking 2 weeks before is very short notice unless it is really low key affair recently organised ( or someones dropped out)
But I dont think it's rude, maybe they are worried you don't want to come and are insecure so are saying they understand if you can't come. Sometimes I say similar to when inviting someone but I always want them to come it's just that I think they may not want to/ be busy/ be difficult to get babysitter etc so give an exit clause so they can say no without anyone feeling awkward, I'm going to stop doing this now, I realise it's down to my insecurity and i would be horrified if people thought it was rude or that I didn't really want to invite them.

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Beautiful3 · 30/04/2022 11:17

Asking you 2 weeks before is strange, perhaps a guest dropped out and she wanted you to fill their space, because she's paid for the food already. If you fancy going, then go.

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LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 30/04/2022 09:53

What's your cousin like? If I wrote an invite that way it would be because I didn't want the person I was inviting to feel any pressure to come if they'd rather not.

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grapewines · 30/04/2022 09:44

prettyteapotsplease · 30/04/2022 09:36

An equally off-hand reply may be in order. "Hey bride, obviously I won't be attending."

Ha!

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RampantIvy · 30/04/2022 09:43

When i ask people to do something for me/go somewhere/attend something, i always let the person know they do not have to do it and its fine if they dont.

You have to be very careful here. If it is an invitation then it comes across that you aren't bothered whether they come or not, and isn't very friendly.

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RampantIvy · 30/04/2022 09:41

prettyteapotsplease · 30/04/2022 09:36

An equally off-hand reply may be in order. "Hey bride, obviously I won't be attending."

Grin
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shoopkitten · 30/04/2022 09:39

Im not great at social situations most of the time. When i ask people to do something for me/go somewhere/attend something, i always let the person know they do not have to do it and its fine if they dont. Which is what it sounds like she is doing here. Honestly 3 months to plan and book a wedding is an insanely short time-frame. They may have been rushing to get everything set and your cousin thought her mom invited you when she invited your parents, and your aunt thought your cousin would be the one to invite you. Since your parents were invited by phone, it seems like the invitations are just super casual. You seem to be way overthinking the wording. It sounds like she is saying she assumed you would know you were invited even though you did not get the invitation earlier.

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prettyteapotsplease · 30/04/2022 09:36

An equally off-hand reply may be in order. "Hey bride, obviously I won't be attending."

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RampantIvy · 30/04/2022 09:18

Have you declined the invitation yet?

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LuckySantangelo35 · 30/04/2022 07:41

catandcoffee · 28/04/2022 17:37

wow... meaning leave your child at home. Not really bothered if you come or not.

yep you generally do have to leave your kids at home when you go to a wedding

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Swayingpalmtrees · 30/04/2022 07:29

If she didn't want you to feel you had to go op, she could have just said I know it might be tricky with the baby, but we would love to see you all if you can come. It was the wording that was off, no encouragement or warmth at all.
I am sorry to say I think it was a duty invite, and she doesn't like you very much.

Has your Mum asked for you to go or the Aunt put some pressure on the bride do you think?

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Swayingpalmtrees · 30/04/2022 07:27

wombat I just wanted to mention on reflection that had the text been worded more warmly, and had the bride shown some enthusiasm for op to come and be with her on her big day, I may have felt differently about it.

The curt, abrupt cold indifference would totally put me off. It is the last minute nature of the wedding invite. That is what it is.

I put myself out for people, generally speaking, but not for people that could not care less whether I was there or not! The text is very cold, and not as much as a line I hope to see you there or anything. It would be a solid no from me, as a result.

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Bournetilly · 30/04/2022 06:17

YANBU
I think the wording is OK maybe she doesn’t want you to think you have to go with two weeks notice.
But it’s very strange to send a text invite with 2 weeks notice, that seems off.

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LadyCariTTC · 30/04/2022 04:49

My husband and I eloped in 2017. The only people there were his daughter and my mother to take pictures. However, in May 2020, my husband got baptized and confirmed into our Church. We were giving less than three weeks notice that we could also get our marriage convalidated on the same day right after his confirmation ceremony. We both have large families, but since we didn’t have to pay for the church or the ceremony, we kept it small, his immediate family and my mother and aunt. I invited my best friend from out of the area but she couldn’t make it in time.
All in all…it’s very possible to have a church wedding on very short notice and not have time for the paper filigree invites and pomp and circumstance. I think she wants you there, but maybe she’s thinking you don’t want your baby around all of the people, and she doesn’t want to get her hopes up. Or has your baby been sick recently? There are plenty of reasons to give you the out on this without it being her not wanting you there.

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milkyaqua · 30/04/2022 00:13

Shit wedding invite at last minute by text. How can anyone (let alone so many thin-lipped responses lecturing the OP) interpret that as anything other than it is?

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Kokod537 · 30/04/2022 00:00

If you're close maybe they felt that was ok, especially considering how expensive weddings get. It's not a privilege to them for you to be a guest it's a privilege to you to even be invited. Guests need to understand its not about you or your baby. You are there to honor a couple. Most think its about how the guests get treated but it's not. If you want to dictate invites than maybe you should offer to pay for them. Stop making it about you and go support your cousin.

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Kite22 · 29/04/2022 23:40

Tangled123 · 28/04/2022 23:56

I don’t think the invite is rude, just a bit blunt.
I think there are two options here,

  1. you’re filling a space for someone who dropped out
  2. she genuinely thought you wouldn’t go because of the baby. Someone told her she was wrong (your mum possibly), so then invited you because she wants you there.
  3. she doesn’t like fuss and doesn’t want to burden people with feeling like they have to come to the wedding, especially if she doesn’t talk to them frequently. That’s why she implied you don’t have to go.

This ^ but I'm going to add an extra possibility, which is

4 She has chosen to be very informal, and not send invitations (you say your Mum was invited by your Aunt, on the phone) and this has led to a bit of confusion over who was speaking to whom......so she assumed her Mum (your Aunt) was inviting you as well as your Mum, in a vague "I'll invite the Finks" conversation with her Mum, and in sitting down to do a table plan or confirm numbers for caterers, it came to light they both assumed the other was inviting you. Not everyone is an efficient, spreadsheet kind of a person.

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