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Rude wedding invite
212

BatFink260 · 28/04/2022 17:33

AIBU to think this wedding invite comes across as intentionally luke warm? From my cousin whom I always thought I had a good relationship with, if not a close one. We live in the same city, I received the following via text:

“Hey BatFink,

I’m getting married in two weeks’ time.

Obviously you’re invited but I do understand with baby you may not want to come

The wedding will be at such and such church at such and such time, followed by dinner at 6pm”

That was all. As I say we’re not close but grew up together and see each other a few times a year. It doesn’t seem like a genuine invitation to me at all. Thoughts?

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Am I being unreasonable?

AIBU

You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.

CapMarvel · 29/04/2022 09:47

Swayingpalmtrees · 29/04/2022 06:12

I find it so surprising that so many people are more than happy despite knowing they are most definitely a second tier b list choice invited at the last minute to make up the numbers, want or would go anyway!

Do you have no self esteem?
No invites?
No other life?
Your time has no value?

It is not okay to give anyone the impression that if it were not for a number of declines from others you like much more. you are forced to invite people you don't like and wouldn't have chosen! It is the very height of bad manners at best.

Given that most people don't have an unlimited pot of money and weddings are expensive, of course there will be a range of people from "must invite" to "would like to invite" that means that people you would like to invite have to drop off the list.

Often the "must invite" group will include people you would rather NOT come - your slightly racist uncle or some distant cousin you haven't seen in 20 years but you have to invite - so if they drop out or whatever it's actually really nice to be able to invite a few extra people who otherwise you wouldn't have room for.

And if you take offence at that you are REALLY overthinking it.



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Swayingpalmtrees · 29/04/2022 11:13

You are misunderstanding my post cap or you really haven't considered what it feels like to be a second rate guest!

If you haven't endless pots of cash, as most of us haven't, and you have invited everyone that needs to come - great - everyone has to stream line their guest lists. What you DONT do however, is two weeks before the date when one or two may have dropped out is to make other people feel like shit by inviting them! Knowing that they will most certainly feel second rate D listers.

If you have cancellations, you reduce the numbers - you don't start working through your Z list expecting people to drop what they are doing at short notice to come to a wedding they were not considered important enough to invite 4 months ago!

It is absolutely not on.

The world does not revolve around your bloody wedding, your after thought invite is not a golden pass to something amazing for most people, for many weddings are an expensive endurance. And to then to know you didn't make the first cut, but as a stand in you can come, is beyond insulting.

If you have done this or plan to do this, please know that people will know what you are doing, and think a great deal less of you because of it.
I have distanced myself from people like this in the past. They are only ever interested in themselves, and their events and could not care less about the feelings or needs of their guests.

So it would be an absolute no fucking way from me, I would much rather spend the money and weekend with people that consider me their first choice in life.

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KarmaStar · 29/04/2022 11:18

Sounds forced,it's not sincere.Agree you need to stay with baby and wish her well.

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CapMarvel · 29/04/2022 11:22

"The world does not revolve around your bloody wedding"

Apparently it does revolve around you, though.

Here's how it works:

X number of weeks out you set a number with the caterers, and pay the deposit etc based on that. If people drop out after that point, you are paying regardless. You can't "reduce the numbers" and if there are still people you would like to be able to invite then why would you?

You couldn't afford or didn't have to space to invite your workmates or people you haven't seen for 10 years initially, but now you do. So you send them an informal invite asking if they can come. It all works out.

Nobody is offended by that, apart from you, it would seem. If you can't grasp the idea that literally everybody in this life has a hierarchy of friends and family that they are close to and other people that they are not so close to, that is your lookout.

And it has happened to me - I've been moved up from evening guest to the full day ]t and do you know what my response was? It was "great, now I get to buy a nice hat for the ceremony".

So get over yourself.

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Swayingpalmtrees · 29/04/2022 11:24

I get the feeling that lots of people defending this have actually done it themselves!! Wink and now wondering how it really goes down....

wombat My life and time and weekends especially (as are most peoples) are too precious to waste, and I don't intend to drop my plans for a wedding I was not originally invited to. I am too busy, have too many friends and quite frankly better ways to spend my time than attending last minute events hosted by people I am not close to.
I have organised big parties and dinners, and when guests drop out and they sometimes do, I don't frantically message other people to fill the gap! And risk offending them, I simply remove the chairs and reduce the catering.

This to me, comes down what kind of circles you move in, it would be unheard of here and would be seen as very crass to have second lists for anything! I guess it is different everywhere, but there is not a chance in hell I would either issue a b list invite or accept one!

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Swayingpalmtrees · 29/04/2022 11:27

If you have an evening invite, and then it is extended to a day time invite, that is quite different. You were originally considered, invited and accepted. It is very very different to receiving a text invite for a wedding in two weeks! With the guest list made public back in January....!

Some people truly do not seem to possess any manners, or have any concept of etiquette whatsoever.

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TheDug4 · 29/04/2022 11:30

Looks like you're invited to make up the numbers and hand over a present.
I wouldn't go.

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GenerallyGreenerGrass · 29/04/2022 11:32

I think it sounds fine.
It sounds like an invitation to a very laid back wedding.
Why not go and have some fun, if you have someone to look after baby for a few hours.

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CapMarvel · 29/04/2022 11:38

But you were still on a 'B' list if you were just an evening invite and so that is obviously a deep insult, meaning you should cut all ties with those dreadful people.

Or you could join the rest of us in "not mortally offended by every imaginary slight" world.

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Swayingpalmtrees · 29/04/2022 11:52

Oh cap you are getting very hot and bothered.
I probably wouldn't attend an evening only invite, but they are not terribly common around here. It tends to be everyone is invited for all (or none) of the wedding and not the half and half thing you see elsewhere. I imagine if you work with some people or have jolly neighbours an evening invite would be all that is expected anyway. However, to invite someone two weeks before when the guest list went out in January is poor form, it is very poor form. It is far better to have less guests at the wedding than to offend your family or friends with an invite that looks like an after thought.

We are never going to agree, you (and many others) think it is fine - I (and many others) most definitely don't think it is fine and that is okay we are just different.
Fortunately it doesn't sound like we would be friends, so unlikely to ever come up!

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runnerswimmer · 29/04/2022 11:56

Swayingpalmtrees · 29/04/2022 06:12

I find it so surprising that so many people are more than happy despite knowing they are most definitely a second tier b list choice invited at the last minute to make up the numbers, want or would go anyway!

Do you have no self esteem?
No invites?
No other life?
Your time has no value?

It is not okay to give anyone the impression that if it were not for a number of declines from others you like much more. you are forced to invite people you don't like and wouldn't have chosen! It is the very height of bad manners at best.

Oh god, if its someone who I enjoy the company with / have a friendship with I will go and celebrate their marriage, have a nice time out etc. Like @WombatChocolate I am not egotistical in that I would decline because I wasnt on the a-list, insted I am a realist that knows weddings per head are costly and not everyone will be invited, I am still flattered that they considered to invite me.

If I have something planned that weekend or its at the other end of the country or I dont have a babysitter I would politely decline, but if I have no other offers and its logistically possible I may as well have a good time. Its better than sitting at home watching the telly!

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SlatsandFlaps · 29/04/2022 11:59

Just respond with "LOL"

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CapMarvel · 29/04/2022 12:13

Always funny when someone accuses someone else of being hot and bothered when they are the one posting huge rants.

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RuthW · 29/04/2022 12:15

I would not attend a wedding with an invite like that

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billy1966 · 29/04/2022 12:57

Definitely an afterthought/B list.

I would decide if I could be arsed (I wouldn't be)and send back an equally breezy "thanks but no thanks" in a weeks time.

Certainly wouldn't rush out a reply.

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WombatChocolate · 29/04/2022 13:03

I guess I have no prob in being a B list invitee or guest.

I know lots of people. Some I am close to and others less so. I can’t be on all their A lists. I understand sometimes I’ve had an evening only invitation to a local wedding of work colleagues or someone I don’t know well. And sometimes I’ve had a late invitation which has either been to the evening or full thing or an upgrade from evening to daytime. I’ve been to over 70 weddings and probably declined 20 just because I couldn’t make them.

I love it when a friend invites me last minute to do something. Spontaneous is great. a I don’t often do it myself as I’m busy, but sometimes I do. I hope people aren’t offended by the lateness of some invitations.

I don’t get the ‘round here no one want to send a B list invitation or accept one’….it’s simply a choice of attitude you take towards these things…to be easy-going and see the best in people or easily offended and with a very rigid sense of what behaviour is bearable. Yes, people do take on attitudes and behaviours they see modelled in others, but as adults hopefully we are more discerning and able to choose. Children do take on their parents’ attitudes. The kids I see who are often offended by minor things and who struggle to manage mini set-backs often have parents who are easily offended and who struggle to see a bigger picture. It’s a shame.

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Swayingpalmtrees · 29/04/2022 13:33

I am pretty easy going in RL wombat but I am nobody's fool.

Feel free to invite me even up to the very last minute if you are in the mood for summer cocktails on a warm sunny evening spontaneously or we collectively decided to rustle up a BBQ or picnic at the last minute. I enjoy doing things spur of the moment. What I am less comfortable about is being a stand in for someone else - that is very awkward. I would find that very embarrassing as would the host if she lived near me. It is not something that would happen here. We don't have hierarchies of lists of people, we are all just friends and are considerate of each other's feelings.

We have different boundaries wombat and that is normal. I am not sure why you think your children would benefit more from yours, I teach my children to care and be mindful about their own feelings as well as others. In order to avoid raising people pleasers and doormats but each to their own.

We don't seem to be short on invites and we feel valued and cared for, so I wouldn't expect a text inviting me to a wedding that should have arrived four months ago had the bride wanted me there - and not because she was simply making up the numbers. Most people don't want to be there simply to make up the numbers given the costs and the effort involved, not unreasonably!

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billy1966 · 29/04/2022 15:15

Swayingpalmtrees · 29/04/2022 13:33

I am pretty easy going in RL wombat but I am nobody's fool.

Feel free to invite me even up to the very last minute if you are in the mood for summer cocktails on a warm sunny evening spontaneously or we collectively decided to rustle up a BBQ or picnic at the last minute. I enjoy doing things spur of the moment. What I am less comfortable about is being a stand in for someone else - that is very awkward. I would find that very embarrassing as would the host if she lived near me. It is not something that would happen here. We don't have hierarchies of lists of people, we are all just friends and are considerate of each other's feelings.

We have different boundaries wombat and that is normal. I am not sure why you think your children would benefit more from yours, I teach my children to care and be mindful about their own feelings as well as others. In order to avoid raising people pleasers and doormats but each to their own.

We don't seem to be short on invites and we feel valued and cared for, so I wouldn't expect a text inviting me to a wedding that should have arrived four months ago had the bride wanted me there - and not because she was simply making up the numbers. Most people don't want to be there simply to make up the numbers given the costs and the effort involved, not unreasonably!

I agree.

I too love a last minute invitation, that works or doesn't, this is vastly different to that.

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WombatChocolate · 29/04/2022 16:02

SwayingPalmTrees. Interesting thoughts.

I assure you I’m nobody’s fool either, nor a doormat.

You’re right that we’re different and of course it’s good that people are different.

I guess that I choose to mix in a number of circles where everyone in each doesn’t behave quite the same. Although I have groups of friends and contacts where people are very aware of ‘social norms’ about inviting people well ahead to large events, the way things are worded etc, and some who might feel a bit frosty about receiving a late invitation to a wedding or being a reserve, I also mix with lots of people who are different. I know people who aren’t quite so articulate, some who live rather chaotic lives and some too aren’t hugely clued up on social behaviour. There’s the full spectrum.

When someone sends me a poorly worded invitation, I don’t feel I’m being taken for a fool or disrespecting myself by saying ‘yes’. I’m glad they’ve invited me and if it’s practical and I want to go, I will.

I don’t think I’ve taught my children to disregard their own feelings or to be doormats. Instead I hope they will be more open to thinking about people and their relationships, than purely judging by if people meet a narrow range of social norms which might be held by some groups. I’d like them to be able to mix with the highly educated and successful (who aren’t always polite or socially aware anyway) and also to mix with people in the food bank or the night shelter.

I guess I want them to ‘bear with’ people and accept that sometimes people are a bit rude….they invite you last minute, they forget to invite you, they don’t reply to your invitations etc etc. You can decide they need to be ‘cut’ because they don’t meet you reacting standards or you can not be bothered by what are often little things.

I suppose this thing about only wanting to be A list, is a feeling lots of people have. It probably means those people have a fairly limited circle, becaue it’s simply not possible to be A list and close to huge numbers. For some of those people it’s A list close friends and nothing else…no room for less close friends and loose acquaintances. That’s a choice isn’t it. Fine. To me, it seems a bit limiting and narrow and for children I think it’s a shame for them not to have a wider experience and realise not everyone lives or behaves in quite the same way, but I know lots of people do only really want to mix with ‘people like us’ and that goes for behaviours such as when wedding invitations must be sent.

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TheNoteIsEternal · 29/04/2022 17:03

I had an invite as unwelcoming as this one a few years ago. Took me a while to work out what was really going on - and it was as simple as the host not wanting us there but feeling obliged to invite us. We didn't go.

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DecentPleasant · 29/04/2022 18:11

I’d be replying “Thanks, have the best day!”
Be vague.

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Bleachmycloths · 29/04/2022 18:26

Haven’t you asked around friends and family? First thing I would do. How long have they known about the wedding? Did they get ‘proper’ invitations? An email surely isn’t an invitation. I agree with the posters who say she could have been forced into it - ‘ Oh you can’t leave out Batfink! At least email her so she can’t say she’s been left out’

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2bazookas · 29/04/2022 18:36

I'd find it insultingly rude and reply in kind ;

"Can't be bothered, really".

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SeedyBloomer · 29/04/2022 18:45

I can’t believe anyone could read that and not detect the rude undertone that you (and I) have!!! YANBU.

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fetchacloth · 29/04/2022 18:53

I agree it looks a bit half arsed, and comes across as a bit of an afterthought 🙄

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