Is it ok to leave a sibling out?

[blacksheepsibling]

I'm very much at wits end up my family. My immediate family comprises of me, my sister, mum and dad. My sister has two DC and a husband, I am a single mum to one DC. We all live within a 20 minute drive of one another.

I am starting to become very upset and annoyed because frequently, when my sister makes plans for dinner, she will invite our parents but not me and my DC. For example, she has invited my parents for Sunday lunch today but hasn't invited me. That means that me and my DC will spend our Sunday alone. I have expressed many times that this really upsets me, I am more than happy to host, cook and have everyone at my house, but my sister says that 'she's entitled to time with our parents away from me.' My mum and I have just had an argument because she continually agrees to my sisters plans without considering me and my DC, but my mum feels that she is put in the middle and I should just accept plans are made that I will be excluded from. I am made out to be the one with the issues. I would never leave my sister out of plans, I always make sure to invite her to everything I am doing or planning. It also really hurts me, as I have started a new relationship, and my boyfriend and his siblings do everything together with their parents - the invite is always extended to all the siblings - nobody in his family would dream of having Sunday dinner and leaving one part of the immediate family out. It's made me question my family and the way everyone behaves towards one another.

AIBU?

Your mum would make sure she spends time with your as well as your sister. But your sister is correct in that she is entitled to spend time with her parents without you being present.

Ask your dm to do alternate week ends with you /dsis?

Not everything has to be for everyone. Just arrange things yourself with your parents and your sister if you want to. If you want to invite them round then do.

My mum often goes to my brother and SIL for dinner and I am not invited, same as she will come to mine occasionally and it wouldn't enter my hread that my brother should be invited as well! We all live within 5 miles of each other so distance doesn't come into it.

I agree with your sister tbh, she should be able to do things with your parents without involving you. Same as you can invite them over without including your sister.

I think alternate weekends is a good idea would your parents be up for that. I don't know the set up you have for seeing your parents but your sister is right she is entitled to see her parents without you.

Is this a reverse? Your sister is right, you don’t always have to do everything together with your parents. I think it’s normal for parents to want a bit of 1-on-1 time with children and grandchildren. You might want to look up enmeshment and see if you think it applies to your relationship with your family.

I agree with your sister. Just as you it would be fine for you to have your mum and dad over, and not her.

We certainly don't all have Sunday dinners all together, and make plans with and without each other as we feel like.

I would see where you were coming from if it was Christmas dinner, but your sister is entitled to see your parents without you! You can do the same too.

I would say your boyfriend’s family set up is more unusual than usual. It’s completely normal for adults to be able to invite they’re parents over to see them and the grandchildren without having to invite siblings/extended family too. You’re not being left out as you still do things together, but your sister just wants to spend some quality time with your parents. What’s stopping you organising something with your parents and letting your child have some one-on-one time with the grandparents?

I’m one of three, so is dh, and we do a mix of socialising all together, and individually seeing our parents.

Your sister’s right, she is entitled to see your parents alone, as are you. I’d think my db or ds were being brats if they had an issue with me inviting my mum for lunch, and would 100% expect them to think the same if I kicked off.

Your sister has the right to have a relationship with your parents that doesn’t always include you, it’s a bit baffling that you think you always be included.

I agree, it's important to have time alone with parents. But in this context - single mum with DC, Sunday roast knowing they'll be alone... Not something I would feel comfortable doing...?

Big difference if you feel your dsis is inviting her so much she has no time for you and your dd? My sil made sure her dps had no opportunity to see my dc without hers there..

Absolutely fine. You should arrange something with your parents.

I live near ish to my brother and parents. Sometimes we all meet up but usually it is just some of us. I understand you feel left out, but I think you need to accept the situation and make your own plans either with your parents or with others.

You invite them next Sunday then

Yeh you’re wrong sorry, my sister use to invite my mum sometimes and not me, I never got upset 🤷‍♀️

I think it's fine.

It would be different if it was a big family gathering and you were being left out, but all she has done is invited her parents to dinner.

I don't really see that spending a Sunday with your DC is a bad thing? Some of my favourite times are just me and my DC.

Surely you don't want a pity invite? That would be worse.

I really feel for you op, as a single parent myself, and I understand why you're upset. Sundays can be especially hard in my experience. However, I think it's ok for your mum to spend time with individual siblings. I hope you're ok 

So you wouldn't be bothered if they did it every Saturday? What difference does the day make? Sunday isn't anything special to most people, it's just another day.

Plenty of single people (parents or not) are alone at the weekends. Can't you spend it with your boyfriend?

Also single mum with DC here, albeit older now.

Still wouldn't expect to be invited every time one of my three siblings or DM hosted a lunch for one of the others. If they all got together, that would be different.

But as there is only two of you, I don't think it's the same.

@DariaMorgendorffer I don't really think you get it unless you've been a single parent for several years. Thank you.

I clicked on this to say it’s not ok to leave a sibling out but I was thinking more of having multiple and not including one. DH is one of 4 and sometimes gets left out by his other siblings. It breaks my heart to watch.

However, in this situation, I think YABU because your sister is fine to want to do things with her parents without you and your family. I do things with mine without my sister and she does things with them without me too. It’s fine.

I think your sibling is entitled to spend time with her parents without you being there aswell.

I would feel the same. I like to be able to speak to my parents about things without my brother there. Nothing against him. But when we all get together, sometimes it's just too many people.