Is it ok to leave a sibling out?

[blacksheepsibling]

I'm very much at wits end up my family. My immediate family comprises of me, my sister, mum and dad. My sister has two DC and a husband, I am a single mum to one DC. We all live within a 20 minute drive of one another.

I am starting to become very upset and annoyed because frequently, when my sister makes plans for dinner, she will invite our parents but not me and my DC. For example, she has invited my parents for Sunday lunch today but hasn't invited me. That means that me and my DC will spend our Sunday alone. I have expressed many times that this really upsets me, I am more than happy to host, cook and have everyone at my house, but my sister says that 'she's entitled to time with our parents away from me.' My mum and I have just had an argument because she continually agrees to my sisters plans without considering me and my DC, but my mum feels that she is put in the middle and I should just accept plans are made that I will be excluded from. I am made out to be the one with the issues. I would never leave my sister out of plans, I always make sure to invite her to everything I am doing or planning. It also really hurts me, as I have started a new relationship, and my boyfriend and his siblings do everything together with their parents - the invite is always extended to all the siblings - nobody in his family would dream of having Sunday dinner and leaving one part of the immediate family out. It's made me question my family and the way everyone behaves towards one another.

AIBU?

I don't really think you get it unless you've been a single parent for several years. Thank you

I was a single mum from the moment my baby was born and I still did not feel entitled to be invited anywhere because people felt sorry for me. You have your own family now and you need to think of things to do with your dc.

Oh and also, being a single parent is completely irrelevant.

Cooking for your mum and dad is going to be less work than cooking for 4 extra people. I can see why she wouldn't want to invite everyone all the time.

You say you invite your sister all the time. So does that mean that your parents only see you when your sister and family are there? Or are there times that your parents only see you and your child?

What were your plans before you found our your parents were at your sisters?

It's probably a lot of work adding on 2 extra people. Plus the additional childcare of checking 3 kids are getting along ok etc.

Like others have said, invite your parents every other week.

I'm feeling claustrophobic just reading about your and your boyfriend's families!

It’s not Christmas dinner, it’s a random Sunday. You aren’t being left out.

... what's being a single parent got to do with it? 🤨 I'd say you're better off than a single non-parent as at least you've got kids around to spend time with.

You're being completely, utterly ridiculous. Make plans with them or whoever the hell else you want to or invite them for a change instead of expecting a sympathy invite because you're a 'single mum'.

Ughhhhhhh.

YABVU

its absolutely normal for adults to do things with their parents without their adult sibling tagging along.

you sound very needy

YABU, and frankly you sound exhausting to be around.

Why do you even know / care what your parents are up to with your sister. There is nothing stopping you from inviting your parents around to yours. Being a single mum has absolutely nothing to do with this, not every event needs to involve you and your DC.

Regardless of you being a single mum, why would you expect to see your parents/sister or both every Sunday? Do something with your children.

She isn't leaving a sibling out. No siblings are invited. It is lunch with parents.

I don't think you're being unreasonable. I wouldn't dream of doing what your sister does either. I suspect the voting has gone the other way as on here I see that many many families just aren't close.

It's just me and my sister too and my parents would be really uncomfortable with what your sister is doing especially if one of us had expressed our unhappiness about it.

I'm sorry if this comes across as harsh, but you DSis shouldn't have to sacrifice her alone time with your parents because you're a single parent, that's hardly her fault!
Of course she doesn't have to invite you for Sunday lunch! If you want a family dinner, plan it yourself!

Agree your sister is entitled to time with your mum without you there.

Equally you as siblings are entitled to spend time together without your mum.

I have two brothers and we meet up together with parents, just siblings and in combinations of two/four if partners are present.

Get-togethers involving all of the siblings happen only 3 or 4 times a year for us.

We do stuff with just the parents in law a lot. We don't feel it necessary to invite the other siblings. We all get along, it just doesn't feel necessary to include everyone all of the time. Plus, we are closer to them than the others are.

but... has your sister been a single parent for several years? If not why do you expect her to get it?

You're framing it like these weekend plans should be more about you, and I'm not sure that is fair. I'm sorry you're struggling but I think you might be kicking out at whoever's nearest.

Sometimes I meet up with my sister without my mum 😮

SIL is exactly like this and it’s so fucking draining. She sees IL’s every single week as they provide free child care for her. We live abroad and every time we come back she comes with her DC for the entire time we are there - just in case my DC get a single moment of attention probably.

So because people aren't in each other's pockets, they're not close? That's absolute crap. My DD and I had lunch with my DM yesterday, just the three of us. I'm assuming that my DB doesn't hate me, seeing as he, DSIL, and DN are coming to me later today for a roast dinner (and my DD won't be here).

I really don't agree that your sister needs to include you in everything OP.
I know you mention your boyfriend doing this with his family but maybe they have a different relationship.

It's hard when your family members don't want the same closeness of relationship as you but your sister isn't doing anything wrong.

I don't think you being a single parent makes any difference here.

Lots of people here talk about being upset about being left out but surely no-one wants a pity/duty invitation because that's what you're asking for.

Since BIL started his own family, I don’t think I’ve had a meal in PILs house or out with them without them being there. It’s suffocating.

You need to make your own Sunday tradition. Having a roast doesn't have to be a huge family thing, it can be just you and your DC. I mean, go crazy, you don't even have to have a roast?! Maybe start a new tradition of 'pizza Sunday' or something?

When I was a single mum to 2 under 4, we used to do Sunday night pizza night, they still talk about how good it was now and they're nearly teenagers!

You’ve decided that if you’re hosting a meal then you would always invite all your family to attend. Fair enough, that’s your choice.

Can you also accept that other people are allowed to choose different options and that they are equally entitled to make those choices?

Your boyfriend’s family sound claustrophobic and that level of co-dependency is extremely unhealthy.

From my own perspective, I can’t imagine anything worse than being expected to spend down time with other family members every weekend and I’d much rather do my own thing.

OP, I think you need to stop relying on family members to feed and entertain you just because you’re feeling lonely. You need to learn to be happy with your own company.

YAB massively U. I see my parents without my siblings sometimes, my DC play with their GP’s. Likewise, sometimes I see them alongside siblings and their DC. On these occasions, the cousins all play together. It’s nice to have the mix. Also, IMO, it’s not relevant that you are a single parent; this shouldn’t mean your sister can’t spend time with your mother without you.

I’m married with a child but my family is extremely close and we’re in each other’s pockets so I do get where you’re coming from, but it’s probably uncomfortable for your parents that you’re unhappy and want to be together at weekends but your sister doesn’t. They may feel a bit stuck in the middle which isn’t fair on them either. Try going for days out, having duvet and movie afternoons with your child and boyfriend? Can you tag along to wherever he’s having a roast? Try not to let it hurt you, I don’t think it’s personal x