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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it ok to leave a sibling out?

222 replies

blacksheepsibling · 24/04/2022 14:03

I'm very much at wits end up my family. My immediate family comprises of me, my sister, mum and dad. My sister has two DC and a husband, I am a single mum to one DC. We all live within a 20 minute drive of one another.

I am starting to become very upset and annoyed because frequently, when my sister makes plans for dinner, she will invite our parents but not me and my DC. For example, she has invited my parents for Sunday lunch today but hasn't invited me. That means that me and my DC will spend our Sunday alone. I have expressed many times that this really upsets me, I am more than happy to host, cook and have everyone at my house, but my sister says that 'she's entitled to time with our parents away from me.' My mum and I have just had an argument because she continually agrees to my sisters plans without considering me and my DC, but my mum feels that she is put in the middle and I should just accept plans are made that I will be excluded from. I am made out to be the one with the issues. I would never leave my sister out of plans, I always make sure to invite her to everything I am doing or planning. It also really hurts me, as I have started a new relationship, and my boyfriend and his siblings do everything together with their parents - the invite is always extended to all the siblings - nobody in his family would dream of having Sunday dinner and leaving one part of the immediate family out. It's made me question my family and the way everyone behaves towards one another.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Moochio · 24/04/2022 14:16

Do you ever fix a date and invite your parents round to yours?

AchillesPoirot · 24/04/2022 14:16

Sorry but I think it's fine for your sister to see them on her own.

Why can't you invite them on alternate weekends?

InkyPinkyParlez · 24/04/2022 14:17

Would you like to see your mum without your sister? If so do that, I'm not sure why you feel an obligation to your sister that she doesn't recognise or return.

Or would you rather always invite her, perhaps so your DD sees her cousins and it feels like a bit of a break for you?

EmmaGrundyForPM · 24/04/2022 14:17

If you want to invite everyone round on a Sunday, just do it.

Fahrted · 24/04/2022 14:18

My family are all great and we all get on very well. However, I wouldn't remotely expect to be invited to everything by my sister/s. Occasionally it's everyone, but mostly it's not. I would personally find your boyfriend's family set-up completely suffocating, and I'd envisage years and years of being stuck having the same conversations with the same people every Sunday for the whole of infinity. It would make me want to find lots of things to do on Sundays which meant I was unavailable!

WeCouldBeSpearows · 24/04/2022 14:18

blacksheepsibling · 24/04/2022 14:14

@DariaMorgendorffer I don't really think you get it unless you've been a single parent for several years. Thank you.

My response is based on being a single parent since 2010.

AHungryCaterpillar · 24/04/2022 14:20

I’m a Single parent and I still think you’re being ridiculous

ohCARP · 24/04/2022 14:21

I think you're being entitled.

My mum was a single mum and she was very much of the opinion that everyone should treat her differently because she was single. It's nobody's fault she was single and nobody owed her anything. It was annoying and it has put a wedge between her and our extended family because they feel like they have to run everything past her or she'll sulk.

Your sister is entitled to time with her parents without you.

AchillesPoirot · 24/04/2022 14:21

I'm a single parent since 2007 if that's relevant.

Bibbetybobbity · 24/04/2022 14:21

Also a single parent and I think YABU. I think you’re projecting and I understand why, but you aren’t being reasonable.

Jalepenojello · 24/04/2022 14:22

OP you’re putting yourself in a victim box and you really don’t need to. Being a single parent doesn’t entitle you to endless invites? Make your own plans with your DC. Make plans with your parents. Make plans with your parents and sister. Make plans with your sister. Not everything needs to be a group activity.

I think it’s quite controlling to have voiced this to your sister

grapewines · 24/04/2022 14:22

Your sister is right. Invite your parents over if you want to see them.

AHungryCaterpillar · 24/04/2022 14:24

I’ve been a single parent for many years and don’t feel it entitles me to sympathy or To be treated like some kind of charity case, I’m guessing you’re a newly single parent?

bloodywhitecat · 24/04/2022 14:25

Is it a weekly event that you never get invited to or is it more ad hoc? I think there should be a balance of one on one time with your parents and family get-togethers if that is the way your family is.

It isn't like that in my family, my sister is the golden child and I am left to fend for myself even through my recent widowhood. Now, on a Sunday, it is usually just me and the babies, I find it hard as DH died on a Sunday but I am just making sure I fill our day so I don't sit here feeling sad. I can't remember the last time my mother set foot through my door and the last time I went to see her it was made very clear I am not welcome in her house (despite the fact that sister frequently visits and stays with her).

Oysterbabe · 24/04/2022 14:25

I think what your sister is doing is really normal. Yabu.

gobbynorthernbird · 24/04/2022 14:26

Disclaimer: I was a single parent for a bloody long time.

OP, if you don't want to be alone on a Sunday, then pull your finger out and make plans. You cannot rely on your sister (and the rest of the family) to make up for the fact that you don't have a husband there.

GeorgesMarvelousCalpol · 24/04/2022 14:27

Mrsjayy · 24/04/2022 14:08

I think alternate weekends is a good idea would your parents be up for that. I don't know the set up you have for seeing your parents but your sister is right she is entitled to see her parents without you.

What about if the parents want a weekend to themselves? YABU OP, you're an adult with your own family. Your sister is entitled to invite your parents to lunch without asking you.

SpringIntoChaos · 24/04/2022 14:28

🙋‍♀️ Another single mum here...with four siblings (all with DC living near my mum!) It would NEVER occur to me a) to care, or b) to even know, when/if/how often/why any of them were visiting my mum, or inviting her over!

We have our own lives without needing (or wanting!) to 'piggyback' on each others!

You are being totally, utterly ridiculous! Get your own life...stop being such a bloody drama queen!

I can't even...🤦‍♀️

FourTeaFallOut · 24/04/2022 14:28

It's just a normal Sunday, it's not like you've been muscled out of Christmas or an important birthday. Take your ds out for a meal, go out for a day, he's your priority, make plans with him.

Aria2015 · 24/04/2022 14:29

I'd say your boyfriend's set up is less usual. In my family, we sometimes do things all together witg my mum, but mostly we spend time independently with her. One reason is, it's always more hassle the more people you try and make plans with and the other reason is we all like a bit of one-on-one time with our mum. We include each other if it's a big occasion like a big birthday or Christmas but if it's just a dinner or lunch we wouldn't. So from my pov I feel like your sister isn't doing anything wrong.

Clymene · 24/04/2022 14:30

Hmm I'm a single parent and my sister quite often invites my parents and not me.

Invite your parents and not her!

Mrsherdwick · 24/04/2022 14:30

Flowers-@bloodywhitecat - take care.

tolerable · 24/04/2022 14:30

This reply has been deleted

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cptartapp · 24/04/2022 14:30

The boyfriends way of doing everything with the siblings and parents is weird. Enmeshed. Needy. That'll backfire at some point.
I'm with your sister. Your social set up isn't her responsibility.

m00rfarm · 24/04/2022 14:31

I was a single parent for several years, and with DC I was never alone. I would never have expected to be invited automatically each time my parents were invited to my sister's for lunch. What madness is this? Issue your own invites and spend time with your parents as well. is there more to this than meets the eye? Do you feel your sister is favoured in other ways?