Is it ok to leave a sibling out?

[blacksheepsibling]

I'm very much at wits end up my family. My immediate family comprises of me, my sister, mum and dad. My sister has two DC and a husband, I am a single mum to one DC. We all live within a 20 minute drive of one another.

I am starting to become very upset and annoyed because frequently, when my sister makes plans for dinner, she will invite our parents but not me and my DC. For example, she has invited my parents for Sunday lunch today but hasn't invited me. That means that me and my DC will spend our Sunday alone. I have expressed many times that this really upsets me, I am more than happy to host, cook and have everyone at my house, but my sister says that 'she's entitled to time with our parents away from me.' My mum and I have just had an argument because she continually agrees to my sisters plans without considering me and my DC, but my mum feels that she is put in the middle and I should just accept plans are made that I will be excluded from. I am made out to be the one with the issues. I would never leave my sister out of plans, I always make sure to invite her to everything I am doing or planning. It also really hurts me, as I have started a new relationship, and my boyfriend and his siblings do everything together with their parents - the invite is always extended to all the siblings - nobody in his family would dream of having Sunday dinner and leaving one part of the immediate family out. It's made me question my family and the way everyone behaves towards one another.

AIBU?

I have been for 20 years. Best of luck op.

But you’re not alone, you are with your child, your child is with you. You could have Sunday dinner with your boyfriend, or a friend, or go out for the day.
Your sister is right here, not everything needs to be for the whole extended family. Christmas dinner or a birthday, yes perhaps, but an average weekend dinner, no.

I don't think this is just about feeling left out.

Being a single mum can be incredibly lonely, I get that OP. Been there and done that.

However, your sister and mum are not doing anything wrong.

But you have a boyfriend so it’s not even like you are fully alone!

Absolutely ok for a child to invite their parents to lunch without inviting the whole family.

If you want lunch with your parents then invite them, you are not obliged to include your sister and her family on the invite.

If you want lunch with your whole family invite them.

Your sister, and your mum, are doing nothing wrong here.

It’s a Sunday. Not a high holy holiday.

why can’t they have the day together?

Why can't you just enjoy a quiet day with your child? All this family stuff sounds exhausting.

I think most families do a balance don't they? I don't think everything needs to be equal, just equitable, so some stuff is done as a whole family, and others just involve smaller groups. I'm an only child but have four step-siblings with families and they often meet up with each other in pairs or different combinations, do things with their dad solo, some family things where they all go, etc. I think that's just life.

Why didn’t you invite your boyfriends family over?

Or your own parents?

Or friends?

YABU and you’re probably being seen as the issue because you expect people to consider you when you could pick dates and ask if and when your parents (with or without your sister) are available like your sister has.

Your sister doesn’t have to include you if she doesn’t want to and vice versa.

It's not Christmas Day..... I think you're being super unreasonable tbh. Try and make friends and be around people who want to spend the day with you. Be sure to invite your parents round when you want to see them. Stop inviting your sister to everything too.

I’ve been a single parent for several years, I never expected to be invited for dinner every Sunday.

Its not fair for you to expect that your sister shouldn’t be allowed to invite her parents for dinner without inviting you. Your sisters children should have the opportunity to spend time with their grandparents without their aunt and cousins having to come every single time. Just like you and your children should be able to spend time with your parents without your sister and her husband and children around.

it’s irrelevant what your boyfriends family do. Just invite everyone to yours if that’s what you want.

Your making it out like it's Christmas you're being left out on. It's just a normal Sunday.

I spend time with my parents without my sibling and vice visa never would I be offended. If it's upsetting you that much why not invite some friends or whatever round for Sunday roast at yours?

But you are basically saying because of the fact that you are a single parent your sister can never just invited her parents over without you - that her children always have to have their cousin in the space.

It should be a mix of both. You should invite just your parents around - let your child have some one to one time without their cousins

Totally fine that your sister gets to do things with her family and your parents. You're quite able to invite them all to yours to host. We have a roast every Sunday, it's absolutely not a big deal or important. I think you're blowing this out of proportion, just arrange your own life. I've taken my parents on numerous trips out with us, had them over for countless meals, and not one single time have I ever invited any of my siblings, it wouldn't even occur to me to do that.

What happens when you invite them to yours?

Is this every week? Once a month? When?

Maybe arrange time with your parents and leave Sis out .If you have a boyfriend ,see him /his family? I do see your point though.I am not a SP but wouldnt leave out a friend /relative who was. If you do get on with Sis ask her another time , maybe she will get where you are coming from?

I can’t believe the voting results here…insane. It’s normal for her to invite your mum round, but if you mention feeling left out then she should extend the invite to you too.

families are supposed to look after each other, and if you are expressing genuine concern about being alone on a weekend then they should consider this.

my sister and I both spend time separately with my mum, but I can assure you that if either of us were having a hard time or had expressed a wish to be more involved then it wouldn’t be an issue at all.

That’s your choice.

it’s absolutely fine for parents to spend time with their children individually though.

If you choose to always invite your sister that is your choice. She doesn’t need to do the same and it’s completely out of order whinging to your Mum and putting her in the middle.

And, hang on, you have a boyfriend?

So you're not a Billy No Mates sat at home on your ownsome anyway?

There is only me and my dsis. I had this issue in reverse! I used to get annoyed that I couldn’t meet DM without DSis being invited along every time. I wanted time with DM on my own, when I did my DSis got jealous, but it was ok for her to spend time on her own with her.
No body owes us anything. Your DSis owes you nothing, it might be annoying and hurtful but it’s the truth. Make sure you invite your parents over sometimes without including your DSis…. That’s allowed.
Family poloitics are hard to deal with but look after your own house first and don’t get stressed about the rest of it.

A few questions OP

how often do you see your mum alone?

how often does your mum go to your sisters?

do you feel your mum treats you fairly with her time or is sister inviting her over before you even get a chance to make plans?

what would happen if you gave your mum a written invite to come for the next three weeks, essentially booking her in at yours for each weekend? How would they react?

I agree with your sister wanting 1-2-1 time with your mother. It was one of many issues with my own mother that whenever we tried to visit, knowing it wasn’t very often to begin with, my mother wouldn’t prioritise me or DC and all my siblings would decide it would be good for them to drop in OR mother would visit me despite me saying just her please and then bring another sibling or grandchildren so my time was not spent talking to my mother but looking after siblings kids I never signed up to do.

but I also know how relentless it is being a single mum and being desperate for adult company and some adult support for what is a very hard job.

Do you spend time with just your sister?

Same here, and I think you are being ridiculous.

my sister says that 'she's entitled to time with our parents away from me.'

She is.

I am made out to be the one with the issues.

You are.

I would never leave my sister out of plans, I always make sure to invite her to everything I am doing or planning.

Evidently, she doesn't expect you to do this, so stop doing it.