Is it ok to leave a sibling out?

[blacksheepsibling]

I'm very much at wits end up my family. My immediate family comprises of me, my sister, mum and dad. My sister has two DC and a husband, I am a single mum to one DC. We all live within a 20 minute drive of one another.

I am starting to become very upset and annoyed because frequently, when my sister makes plans for dinner, she will invite our parents but not me and my DC. For example, she has invited my parents for Sunday lunch today but hasn't invited me. That means that me and my DC will spend our Sunday alone. I have expressed many times that this really upsets me, I am more than happy to host, cook and have everyone at my house, but my sister says that 'she's entitled to time with our parents away from me.' My mum and I have just had an argument because she continually agrees to my sisters plans without considering me and my DC, but my mum feels that she is put in the middle and I should just accept plans are made that I will be excluded from. I am made out to be the one with the issues. I would never leave my sister out of plans, I always make sure to invite her to everything I am doing or planning. It also really hurts me, as I have started a new relationship, and my boyfriend and his siblings do everything together with their parents - the invite is always extended to all the siblings - nobody in his family would dream of having Sunday dinner and leaving one part of the immediate family out. It's made me question my family and the way everyone behaves towards one another.

AIBU?

Honestly hon, you sound hard work, your DS and parents are allowed to and should spend time together. Everybody in a family don't have to do everything together. I'd expect you all to come together at times but do you never want just your DS over or your DPs? There's a different dynamic when you're all together as to when you're alone. You need to back off and give people some space even if they are you're nearest and dearest.

Don’t see why you don’t invite your parents over for Sunday lunch? I don’t think your sister needs to invite you to be honest (and I have been a single parent!) - just book your parents on one weekend!

As you have already said , its not unreasonable for your sister to want some alone time with her parents. My siblings and I live relatively close to one another and we do things apart from one another with our parents, including my sister who is a single mum to 2 dcs.

It sounds like your sister has kind of decided that Sundays are her day with your parents. Can you not just invite your mum and dad round to yours one Sunday? or make other plans in advance?

You’re being needy
if Sunday is a difficult day for you then make sure you make plans

I'm very much at wits end up my family.

You're at your wits end because your sister has time with her parents without you? Really?
Are you usually this dramatic?

Under this new MN system I don't know how many pages are up already, OP, but to my mind YABU because you and your DC are a different household from either your sister or your parents. They can have a relationship between themselves without you always being there, as you can with either of them. As for being on your own with DC, make a nice special weekend for them - it does not have to include wider family. You are not on your own. You have each other, which should be lovely.
I am wondering whether this feeling of needing to always be together with your wider family comes from needing support when you were first a single mother, and perhaps family gave that support. But you are established now and the situation has changed.

OP, I'd agree with you if you were being left out of important celebrations like anniversaries, birthdays and Christmas, but you're not, this is just your sibling having some one-on-one time with her DM. Has it occurred to you that your DM might value seeing you separately especially as so many people at once gives her less time with each person? There's nothing you stopping you from inviting her and not your sibling so that you can enjoy some one-on-one time with her yourself. There are probably sometimes things that you want to discuss with your DM that you don't want your sibling hearing at the same time if at all - your sister will be the same.

I can understand you feeling a bit left out knowing your sister is doing the "happy families" thing, but that's not your sister or your DM's fault and it's a shame this turned into an argument. Try to widen your circle and your child's by making some friends of your own. There's no obligation to have Sunday dinner at home - now the weather's improving, you could take your DC out for the day, have a picnic, that sort of thing. If you have company that's outside your immediate family or find other things to occupy you at weekends, you'll have less time to dwell on what other people are doing.

Lastly, don't judge your family by what your boyfriend's family do. It's fine for them, but other people not raised that way are usually happy to save the en masse thing for special occasions.

I think the single parents you know are not representative of most single parents. It sounds like you think they need pity.
I have loved my 'long old Sunday' as a lone parent. I have no need to be invited to join someone else's family.

You invite her to EVERYTHING? That's lovely and fine if you think she needs and welcomes this, but I think being a single parent is a red herring. Being a single parent is of course challenging, but every sort of family dynamic has struggles.

Test

Completely agree.

My in laws all live v close but I don't always invite SIL, also single parent. She doesn't offer to help with clearing up or anything, so I am rushed off my feet and what was a simple lunch turns in to a hosting session. Dh understands this and agrees. Also it's not always reciprocated. Sometimes it's easier to keep it smaller.

There’s two factors here. It’s fine that your sister and parents get together without you, just as it would be ok for you to see your parents without your sister or your sister without your parents. It’s not fine for your closest family not to recognise how lonely it can be for you with just you and your ds.

In fact, if I knew a single parent locally would invite them to join us as it's a long old Sunday for them.
I grew up in a single parent household. My Dad would have found it beyond patronising to have had the neighbours inviting us over every Sunday because it must be such a long day for us all alone with only one parent.

I voting your sister cos you know she likes the company and you love her, inviting your friend because you think she'd enjoy the break from cooking and you like her, both fine. Inviting someone you barely know based on how many parents live there because "Sundays are for family" is patronising. We were a family. We spent it together.

I am a single parent, we all live in a two hour radius and I actually didnt my visiting my two brothers and parents separately because it meant I had more places to visit

My mum and I have just had an argument because she continually agrees to my sisters plans without considering me and my DC,

I think that was very unfair of you-your poor mum. You are only going to alienate yourself if you carry on like this.

Why don’t you invite everyone for a roast at yours every month/6 weeks if you want to get together.

I thought the thread would be about not being invited for Christmas or being the only one not in a wedding party! No OP, you are in the wrong here, your family must find you very hard work and frankly exasperating, you are going to end up alienating them. You all have your own families now, yes even you.

I have (well had) three siblings, when we were grown ups we would always visit parents at different times, times that were convenient for our different lives, get togethers for everyone would be few and far between in fact. We had a single mum amongst the siblings too, we are in our 50s now and there has never been any suggestion that she was finding Sundays particularly hard, you are being particularly weird about Sundays, it is a normal day these days!

Never let that happen again. Ever.

No extended family or family allowed. It is God's weekend.

Take it from me, you do not know when it is time to load the dishwasher and when to reload it after putting the trash in the recycle bin.

That.

Are you very young? It seems as though you haven't yet taken on the idea of being the host for a family event.

Sounds like you and your sister do not get along that great in which case it's understandable. She shouldn't have to spend her Sunday with someone she doesn't get on with, better to spend time with your parents separately.