Is it ok to leave a sibling out?

[blacksheepsibling]

I'm very much at wits end up my family. My immediate family comprises of me, my sister, mum and dad. My sister has two DC and a husband, I am a single mum to one DC. We all live within a 20 minute drive of one another.

I am starting to become very upset and annoyed because frequently, when my sister makes plans for dinner, she will invite our parents but not me and my DC. For example, she has invited my parents for Sunday lunch today but hasn't invited me. That means that me and my DC will spend our Sunday alone. I have expressed many times that this really upsets me, I am more than happy to host, cook and have everyone at my house, but my sister says that 'she's entitled to time with our parents away from me.' My mum and I have just had an argument because she continually agrees to my sisters plans without considering me and my DC, but my mum feels that she is put in the middle and I should just accept plans are made that I will be excluded from. I am made out to be the one with the issues. I would never leave my sister out of plans, I always make sure to invite her to everything I am doing or planning. It also really hurts me, as I have started a new relationship, and my boyfriend and his siblings do everything together with their parents - the invite is always extended to all the siblings - nobody in his family would dream of having Sunday dinner and leaving one part of the immediate family out. It's made me question my family and the way everyone behaves towards one another.

AIBU?

YABU! Its completely fine for family to spend time with others and not invited everyone, doesn't always have to be everyone together!

You’re incredibly needy due to the insistence of being invited all the time. Your sister is allowed to see her parents without you there. The more you moan, the more you’ll irritate her and the less you’ll be invited. I’m surprised your mum hasn’t told you to get a grip. Why would you even want a pity invite ?

I think you should be inviting your mother to a roast regularly so you have one to one as well. Stop inviting your sister to everything, it has become a one way street. Organise family parties, dinner and lunches and don't invite her. It is simply fixed. You do not need to be the bigger person if it hurts.

Being a single parent doesn't equate to having endless invites, at some point you have to accept your situation is your responsibility, and no one elses. Cooking for two extra is very different from cooking for an extra five people I will say that!

Yabu

She can have a separate relationship with them and see them without you

My brother prefers to visit our parents on his own, as he says he wants their full attention and doesn't want to have to vie with me for it. For myself, I'd be perfectly happy if we visited together, but that's not what he wants/needs and it's fine for him to feel that.

Sorry OP I really do get how you feel having experienced something very similar but I’ve learned that one on one time with GPs for kids/siblings is important. Try organising things separately with your mum and then also do things together eg Easter etc

You are copletely unreasonable and seem to have a victim complex. You and your DC are a family - the fact that you don't have a husband doesn't mean you are all alone and everyone needs to cater to you. There are many single people and single parents who are more than capable of managing time alone. Your need to be included in everything your parents / sister does is something you need to get over. They are entitled to their own relationships and to spend time together without you just like you are with them. In most families, every get together isn't the entire family. It is likely that your attitude makes you less enjoyable to have over as a guest too.

YABU I was a lone parent of 3 my family is the same DP 1DS with husband and x3DC. Its not my sisters fault I'm a lone parent her children are entitled to time with their DGP without mine there and she is entitled to time with our DP.
I have spent Saturday nights alone whilst DC out at various friends etc and my parents were at my sisters, sometimes I was invited sometimes I wasn't.

Due to the fact you feel so entitled to an invite all the time I bet you also demand that you / your DC are centre of attention whenever you're all together. Maybe sister wants some time with your parents where the focus isn't on you / DC.

She's allowed a relationship with her own parents

Just because you haven’t been included doesn’t mean you’ve been excluded, if that makes sense? An extra person/family does change the dynamic. Not necessarily better or worse, but it is different- and your sister may want her kids to have time on their own with their grandparents, or may want to have a more personal conversation with your DP. She hasn’t done anything wrong at all.

I’m sorry you are feeling lonely and left out by your sister and parents.
I don’t think they are being unreasonable to arrange things without you, whether you “would have” invited everyone or not.
Try and arrange some other Sunday plans (doesn’t have to be elaborate) and keep inviting both your parents and your sibling when you arrange something.
Apologise to your parents. They shouldn’t be asked to be pulled into this.

i was a single mum for years and never expected to be invited to sunday roast if my sister had invited my mum. I think you need to regain some focus and recognise we are all different and you being a single parent doesnt trump your sisters kids deserving a relationship with their grandparent which doesnt include yours at every visit. I mean i would understand your upset if it was christmas or something significant

Do people really all have roasts together every Sunday?

Yabu.

I have dc. Dsis doesn’t. Dm hosts Sunday lunch for everyone probably once a month.

dsis has dm round without us. We also do the same. We also host dsis without dparents and vice Versa.

Whether deliberately or not, I think the title of your thread is misleading. You are not a sibling, but the only sibling. It would be completely different if you were one of multiple siblings who all met up with your parents every week and excluded you. I’m also confused by the significance you make of it being a Sunday roast - would it be ok for them to meet up by themselves for a different meal?

Feeling lonely is a horrible feeling and I do sympathise. I don’t think you’re being fair on your sister or your mum though.

I can't believe how many people think you are being unreasonable. I would be terribly hurt. My cousin lives 10mins away from me and she is a single mum with a young child. We include and invite her to everything. Both husband and I can't imagine how hard it must be to be a single parent. Your sister is being thoughtless.

I think the worst part of this is that you argued with your mother about this and put her in the middle. That's much more unfair than you not getting invited for lunch. Why would you do that to your mother?

My widowed mum does things with my sister, that I'm not invited to. Sometimes it's for things I have zero interest in, like trips to the ballet (while I can appreciate the dancers are very talented etc etc, just... snooze). But sometimes it's things I would like, like a meal out!
I don't mind saying it bothers me a bit not to be invited, but hey. Also I'm often glad to get out of a meeting with my DSis DP, as he's annoying AF!

knowing they'll be alone - why would you be alone? Do something else, see some friends. It's not like the only 2 options are Sunday roast with parents or sitting crying at home.
Very U of course, it really is unusual to only meet your parents with all siblings together only.

So you wouldnt mind about not seeing your parents if you had a partner then? Sounds like this is more about your own loneliness than about wanting to spend an afternoon with your parents. I get it- it can get lonely raising kids but if this is really and truly about you feeling alone there are multiple ways you can fix that rather than focusing on your sister's actions. Look at meetup.com and make an effort to connect with people rather than relying solely on your sister for social get togethers.

Why do you have to be included? It's like when I see friends - I don't want their husbands there.
Your sister can see her parents alone, so can you.

It's not your siblings or parents fault you're a single parent. That's also not a reason to blanketly include you in everything either. It's literally a Sunday dinner. I'm single with four kids and definitely wouldn't want a pity invite to things. Just make more effort to invite your parents round or make your own Sunday entertainment. It's a bit odd you feel this way, is there a bigger picture here or are you just feeling left out?
If it's that big a deal start your own family tradition with your boyfriend or kids? I do think you're being unreasonable to bring it up with your sister and dm to the point where they've pointed out it's really no big deal.

I completely agree

Some family members are just really easy company and others need a bit more energy expenditure. She’s got two kids. She probably just can’t be arsed with the drama.