Is it ok to leave a sibling out?

[blacksheepsibling]

I'm very much at wits end up my family. My immediate family comprises of me, my sister, mum and dad. My sister has two DC and a husband, I am a single mum to one DC. We all live within a 20 minute drive of one another.

I am starting to become very upset and annoyed because frequently, when my sister makes plans for dinner, she will invite our parents but not me and my DC. For example, she has invited my parents for Sunday lunch today but hasn't invited me. That means that me and my DC will spend our Sunday alone. I have expressed many times that this really upsets me, I am more than happy to host, cook and have everyone at my house, but my sister says that 'she's entitled to time with our parents away from me.' My mum and I have just had an argument because she continually agrees to my sisters plans without considering me and my DC, but my mum feels that she is put in the middle and I should just accept plans are made that I will be excluded from. I am made out to be the one with the issues. I would never leave my sister out of plans, I always make sure to invite her to everything I am doing or planning. It also really hurts me, as I have started a new relationship, and my boyfriend and his siblings do everything together with their parents - the invite is always extended to all the siblings - nobody in his family would dream of having Sunday dinner and leaving one part of the immediate family out. It's made me question my family and the way everyone behaves towards one another.

AIBU?

I think yabu. It be different if it were xmas or Easter or something.

I think YABU- both in demanding that your sister always include you in meetings with your parents, and in assuming that you must always include your sister in meetings with your parents. While it would be a pity NEVER to have whole-family meetings, it's healthy for both you and your sister to have independent relationships with your parents.

Does she invite you some of the time? I think it's fine if she makes some plans that include you. Trying to coordinate plans when you have children is hard and your sister is entitled her own time with her parents.

Ofcourse YABU it would be different if it was a special occasion but your sister is right. She's perfectly entitled to just invite your parents.

I'm single, I live in the same village as my Mum. My brother often invites her for dinner & doesn't invite me. Doesn't cross my mind I should be invited. Sometimes I'm invited, sometimes we all go to Mums but he's perfectly entitled to invite just her

Maybe also from your sisters perspective inviting your parents means 2 extra meals inviting you & your children makes it a much bigger much more expensive day

How many times does your sister do this?
Do you invite your mum and dad round to yours and then they get a better offer from your sister.

Maybe just invite Dps round on their own

or do they specifically not come round to your place or without your sister and her family

I would though look for things to do on a Sunday especially with your dc even if it is a walk round a park or the local shopping mall, museum etc and treat yourself to a coffee and people watching with your LO and have a chat with them
Or plan on having a trip outside your usual neighbourhood anywhere really, I used to take a picnic (sandwiches, tub of coleslaw, cherry tomatoes and carrot sticks and a quiche with bottles of water and a flask of hot water and little tubs of coffee sugar and flask of milk. And a packet of biscuits) I could put it together in seconds I did it so often. My Dh used to work away a lot and I have no family and I was in a new area.

Or look for midweek child related groups as there is going to be others who are at a loose end of a weekend and cultivate a few friends their.
You don’t have to stay in wishing you were invited out.

I've been a single mum since 2012 and think Yabu. It's not an important event like Christmas or Mother's Day and I don't think that your single status means that you can't be left out.

I don't get this at all. I frequently have my parents for dinner as does my brother and his gf but I don't expect my family to be invited when my brother asks my parents over and he doesn't expect to be invited to mine. We do have big family dinners for special occasions though.

Why not invite your parents over to yours next sunday on their own?

This is the downside of living close to siblings and parents. This sort of mentality that a 'family' is obligated to always invite all siblings and parents to a meal etc. confuses me. Sometimes I want everyone round, sometimes I just want my folks or just a select sibling. It depends on the purpose of the meal! Likewise, I aknowledge that my siblings need quality time alone with my folks and so they sometimes invite my parents over without us other siblings. That is right. This jealousy and pettinness that families should live in each other's pockets and always be invited as a group annoys me. You are not a package deal, you are not tied at the hip. It puts parents in an awkward position when siblings left out take it personally and make a big deal out of it like someone who hasn't learned to share or how to act like an independent adult capable of acting without reference to what their sibling is doing.

Personally I don't get why you are so upset by this. An invite to dinner is something that should be given freely and not out of obligation. Your sibling wants to just have dinner with your folks and not you and your DC, that is her right. The same way it is yours to invite your parents to dinner and not invite her. You may choose to invite her to dinner alongside your folks but that is your choice, not an obligation.Just because you feel some compulsion to invite sibling and parents to every meal does not mean this is some hard and fast rule. Comparing your new boyfriend's family to your own is like comparing apples to oranges. What one family does is their own business and is no model for what another family should do. Every family is different and demanding that yours adapts to some idealised behaviour you have seen modeled elsewhere is ridiculous. I find the idea of your boyfriends family never dreaming of leaving a sibling out of plans or sunday dinner odd myself. It sounds really codependent to me because in my family such a thing is not the norm. Constant invites would imply to me an unpleasant familial pressure to always be at family events and imply the idea that if I wasn't there or was not invited that I was somehow 'less' a part of the family. That seems an unhealthy dynamic. So you see, my interpretaon of that behaviour is much more negative. I am not saying it is right or wrong, just that every family is differnet, you must accept that.

Your poor mother was invited to dinner, she shouldn't have to worry about family politics or you acting like a spoiled child demanding an invite when she recieves an invite to dinner seperate from you. Your reaction taints a nice meal and experience for her. It is your sibling issuing invites, and cooking so your mom has no place to interfere and demand you be invited too, that would be very rude. Don't put your mother in the middle of this. Your sister wants some time alone with your folks, there is nothing wrong with that. Maybe she has something she wants to confide in them or wants to spoil them by letting them have a relaxed meal with less people. Whatever her reasons, they are hers.

Make your own plans. Any invite you weedle from compalining will be begrudging.

I am a single parent, I get how lonely the weekends can be when everyone is busy, but I wouldn't expect my sibling to invite me every time they had my parents over and vice versa.

If you are lonely on a Sunday, then why not suggest having your parents over one week and your sister another, or have all of them over together once a month or something. Be proactive in getting together.

You should leave your sister out of plans when you and boyfriend have holiday dinner.

It's the new boyfriend thing. Betcha

I’m sorry OP, it can be extremely lonely when you’re isolated but I do think you are being unreasonable.
Do you ever make plans to invite your parents over without your sister?
I have two other siblings and we all do things separately with our parents and none of us have an issue with it.
If it was a case of booking a big family holiday I’d be a bit miffed if one of us didn’t get an invite but for things like going for dinner, visiting houses then I wouldn’t think anything of it.

@blacksheepsibling I understand it must feel hard but there is nothing stopping you making plans with friends. I too am a single parent, have been for 6 years and my sibling has a husband and multiple children, but I wouldn't judge them for inviting our parents over for dinner!!

This thread is really weird - it's like you don't realise you've grown up OP. I opened it expecting it to be about primary school playdates.

You've grown up, moved out and had children - you're the mum now, it's weird to place so much emphasis on the family where you're the daughter/sister. You, your mum and your sister are all adults and it's normal and healthy to meet up in pairs.

Are you on your own because you would normally be with your DParents on a Sunday? Maybe this is their way (enabled by DSis) of getting some space if you’re there a lot.

Our family all gets together for big celebrations like Easter, Christmas, milestone birthdays etc.

On a normal weekend though different weekends are spent with different people. Sometimes with parents, sometimes with another sibling, but mostly just ourselves.

It wouldn’t be strange at all for my parents to spend a weekend with my sister or brothers family without us being there. It’d be a bit much for everyone to get together all the time anyway.

I was reading it imagining you must be quite young OP.

Yabu - you are being needy. Being a single parent can be challenging but that doesn’t mean everyone in the family has to pander to you.

Your family unit sounds a lot closer than mine. My mum and sister just aren't family orientated.

My sister has never, taken both my kids out together. And she's only had them one at a time, about 6 times over the 13 years I've had DC.

My mum didn't have my first born on his own until he was about 18 months, and only then as her mate had her grandson over, so she wanted to show him off. She claimed she was too old before then (she's the same age as DP's DM, who is keen to have them all the time). If we arrange to see her with the DC, she checks that we're not going to stay too long. (My DC aren't nightmares kids, honest! She just doesn't like having any DC around for too long).

Mu DM and DSIS know I'm going through a rough patch with DP, we are likely splitting up, and they don't call me to check I'm OK, or anything like that. On the rare occasions I've mentioned it to my mum, she's said "I'm sorry there's nothing I can do to help" and that's been the end of the conversation. (Not "what can I do to help?").

I see my mum maybe 10 times a year and my sister about 5 times, perhaps.

When me and the DC are there, they're not really that interested in finding out about my life.

My mum hasn't visited my family home or the town I live in for 9 years. She's too old now, but she wasn't before lockdown. She expects me to come to her unless it was a very special occasion (births deaths marriages, major anniversaries, that kind of thing).

They both say they love me and my DC. They think their way of doing things is perfectly normal.

I try not to let it bother me, but it does hurt how disinterested they are in spending time with me and my DC.

My advice to you is to stop trying to change your DSIS into a person she isn't - she just doesn't see it like you - but be grateful you have a decent relationship with your DM and DSIS. And that they'll actually come to your house if you invite them!

Invite them to come over to see you, and enjoy their company, you're lucky to have them.

YABU. As adults you can all have relationships with each other independent of each other. I am one of 5 kids (14 grandkids). I cannot begin to imagine how it would ever only be OK to meet unless we ALL met.

Sometimes it depends on who lives where, what the events is (e.g. a trip to a West End show with grandparents, one child and older grandchild - clearly it wouldn't be appropriate for the the sibling with a 3 year old to be invited), school holidays (teacher siblings find it easier to meet parents during school holidays when other siblings are working), panto - great for the younger grandkids, the young adult ones would rather not.

I could go on.

Sorry OP but I think you abvu.

book a couple of dates in over the next few weeks, with mum or sister or both. Then leave them to do what they like.

Unfortunately I think you are being unreasonable.

It's not your sisters or your moms problem that your single status means you will be alone today.

Your sister is more than entitled to spend time with just your mom & dad and her own children.

She would be unreasonable if it was on occasion.

How often do you invite your sister’s family and your parents all round to yours for a roast?

It is definitely okay to leave a sibling out and in some cases, a sibling would prefer to be left out! My dh has four married siblings and for his parents’ 50th wedding anniversary all the families including GC met up for a week in Canada, where the DPs lived. One day, dSiL announced that we were all going for a day out to yet another park where her children wanted to go and she was not pleased when dh and I declined to join them. Too much family can be suffocating. OP, no one is obliged to invite us to their Sunday lunch and as others have said, learn to entertain yourself and dc on your own. I think that you may just be feeling a wee bit down and sorry for yourself. There’s nothing wrong with that, so long as you don’t stay in that state. Our Sunday tradition was going out for breakfast at a garden centre with assorted friends then back home to sprawl on the sofas, sharing out the Sunday papers and listening to the radio. It was bliss not bothering with a Sunday roast. Do make your own Sunday traditions, you’ll be happier for it.

It's fine for any combination of family members to meet, unless it is a big family celebration. I prefer to have different combinations at different events as the atmosphere/ conversations vary accordingly. It's not that I don't want to see anyone of them as such.

As an example, I live near my brother who is single and at one time my patents would ask me to invite him whenever they came to see me and my family. However I put a stop to it after a while as my brother always dominated the conversation and I didn't see my parents that often. Also as a single guy it was much easier for him to go visit them, than it was for me.

But I often meet my brother one to one, because I enjoy conversation with him in that situation and we like doing some of the same things together.

Sort out you relationship with both your sister and your parents separately. If you want to spend more time with either, invite them to do something with you.