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Original poster

Step parents involvement.. too little or too much?

214 replies

Ajay96 · 23/04/2022 08:29

Hi,
I'm currently coparenting my sons dad, it's been 4 years now and although we're on better terms things are still problematic at times.
We were together 10 year before splitting, he had affair, tore me apart, but he tried come back I said no so I completely accept our current circumstances. I am more than willing to be civil, as I know personally how important it is for seperated parents to get along, as my mum and dad seperated when I was 3years old. They had they're moments but saw past they're differences and put us first, attending family gatherings, celebrations, together even with new spouses etc.
This is where my main challenge is, my sons dad is in a 2 year relationship, they stay together and my son visits, stays from time to time, he has his own room there (smallest one out of 3, big huge spare lieing empty) some toys, clothes however I do usually provide most things he needs, nice outfits, tablet etc. Because of this inconsistency and little involvement he does pay maintence through collect and pay. This is a fair amount due to arrears and charges so he claims he needs to work more at weekends therefore can't keep our son overnight.
His gf is at home all weekend, so am I wrong to expect her to help out here? I know at first they were unsure how much involvement she would have incase it upset me, however I've blatantly said I was happy for her to help, although I've never met her as his dad won't allow it, sees no reason for us to talk. My opinion he's scared I would expose things he doesn't want her to know. His dad goes to work at 6am and he won't wake him early when I'm at home anyway, so I said can his gf not watch him till he wakes about 8am/9am then I would pick him up. They declined this, infact she doesn't watch him on her own ever. Although my son does seem to like her, she takes no involvement I. His care. Am I wrong to expect her to help aswel? Especially since they live together, should she do more? Is there anything I could try to do to help or just leave it be? Any help would be greatly appreciated x

OP posts:
litlealligator · 23/04/2022 08:32

Of course you're wrong to expect her to provide childcare for your son when his own dad can't be bothered. The problem is with your son's dad, not his girlfriend. Just because she's female doesn't mean she owes either of you childcare.

travellingturtle · 23/04/2022 08:33

In simplest terms, yes, you're wrong to expect her to take on responsibility for someone else's child.

He's not her son. She has no obligation to provide free childcare.

Original poster
Ajay96 · 23/04/2022 08:35

litlealligator · 23/04/2022 08:32

Of course you're wrong to expect her to provide childcare for your son when his own dad can't be bothered. The problem is with your son's dad, not his girlfriend. Just because she's female doesn't mean she owes either of you childcare.

It's not that I expect her to be my child care it's more I feel she doesn't see him as her family.. he's always left out and never priority. I was of impression being I. A relationship with some who has kids your taking them on too? This is a personal opinion, do to my dad remarrying, no difference is made between myself and step siblings. Although an ex partner of his made it clear I was a burden and she didn't like me, it was awful

OP posts:
SeasonFinale · 23/04/2022 08:36

He isn't her child so not her responsibility. How they decide to approach it is between then and not for you to decide. However you can apply to court for proper contact arrangements including asking that he take his son overnight etc and then it would be for him to make arrangements as to how that works.

Moochio · 23/04/2022 08:36

His gf is at home all weekend, so am I wrong to expect her to help out here? yes you are bang out of order. The only people responsible for your child are you and their dad. It's so entitled to expect someone else to help out. Anything she does is a bonus. She's not an extra parent.

Original poster
Ajay96 · 23/04/2022 08:37

travellingturtle · 23/04/2022 08:33

In simplest terms, yes, you're wrong to expect her to take on responsibility for someone else's child.

He's not her son. She has no obligation to provide free childcare.

I'm not seeing it as child care, his dad choosing to work extra shifts so can't see his son, her helping out would allow that to happen.. I don't need him to stay there, I have plenty other hep if I need it but I want to help give my son opportunity to spend time with his dad not just a few times a month

OP posts:
Moochio · 23/04/2022 08:37

And her relationship with your son is for her and his dad to work out not for you to interfere with. You don't need to meet her, she is no one to you.

SeasonFinale · 23/04/2022 08:38

It also is not for you to decide how they use the rooms in their house. Your son does have a room there. Perhaps they have guests stay often and therefore the spare room is better equipped for that. Perhaps they work from home and it is set for that. At least he has a room so I am unsure what the issue is.

Moochio · 23/04/2022 08:39

I'm not seeing it as child care, his dad choosing to work extra shifts so can't see his son, her helping out would allow that to happen.. tough shit. If dad wants to see his son it's up to him to sort it out. It is child care.

Cheesechips · 23/04/2022 08:39

She's not obliged to provide childcare new use your ex won't.

AchillesPoirot · 23/04/2022 08:39

So he has toys clothes and a bedroom but you don't think they're adequate?

What does it matter if you don't like the clothes he wears when he's at his dads house?

A tablet is a big ticket item I'd expect there to be only one of. It's up to you if you do or don't send it when he goes to his dad.

You are totally out of order expecting your ex's girlfriend to keep your child overnight.

Oizys · 23/04/2022 08:39

You shouldn’t expect she’ll look after your son when your ex isn’t available.

different households have different dynamics. When my ex can’t have Ds on his time for whatever reason DS always comes home to me. He has a step mum but she doesn’t want or have a “parental”
roll. She has her own kids (teens now) and is happy to look after Ds for short periods of time but nothing else. That’s totally fine! Her choice and I wouldn’t expect her to have Ds by herself because ex can’t organise his life properly

our house is different tho. I’m remarried so if I’m ill nor not around my husband looks after DS always has done. We also now have 2 children of our own but DH treats Ds just like he’s his kid but he’s happy to do that and we decided that’s how our family dynamic will be.

Cheesechips · 23/04/2022 08:39

because your ex won't

Auto correct!

Original poster
Ajay96 · 23/04/2022 08:40

Your responses are very interesting. Tbh I don't care much of what they do or don't do, I just try my best for my son. I just assumed if we all got along etc it would make our lives a lot easier, but I guess I'm wrong in thinking that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ajay96 · 23/04/2022 08:43

AchillesPoirot · 23/04/2022 08:39

So he has toys clothes and a bedroom but you don't think they're adequate?

What does it matter if you don't like the clothes he wears when he's at his dads house?

A tablet is a big ticket item I'd expect there to be only one of. It's up to you if you do or don't send it when he goes to his dad.

You are totally out of order expecting your ex's girlfriend to keep your child overnight.

I think your misunderstanding here, I only send items because his dad has asked for them. For example a nice outfit for a party, or clothes for the beach.
Yes I do provide the tablet, that his dad was supposed to buy him for Christmas but didn't. It's not point scoring it's making sure my son is happy and either house

OP posts:
muddymuddyboots · 23/04/2022 08:43

It’s not about ‘getting along’ though is it?

Moochio · 23/04/2022 08:43

Ajay96 · 23/04/2022 08:40

Your responses are very interesting. Tbh I don't care much of what they do or don't do, I just try my best for my son. I just assumed if we all got along etc it would make our lives a lot easier, but I guess I'm wrong in thinking that.

You don't have to get along. You don't have to ever be in any contact with her. You have to trust that dad is also wanting the best for his son.

Original poster
Ajay96 · 23/04/2022 08:44

muddymuddyboots · 23/04/2022 08:43

It’s not about ‘getting along’ though is it?

And why wouldn't it be to get along?

OP posts:
MRex · 23/04/2022 08:44

Why do you want this? He's your child, if dad doesn't want him then let him be with you because you love him. 2 years isn't very long to take on life-long responsibility for a child and she's right to proceed with caution around attachment if she doesn't know whether she will stick around or not.

Regarding the spare room, a child doesn't need the biggest room and they may need it as an office, clothes drying room, storage etc. You need to appreciate that you're getting too involved in their lives if your thoughts about their house is any more than whether it's safe and he has a small space of his own.

Oneborneverydecade · 23/04/2022 08:45

Moochio · 23/04/2022 08:37

And her relationship with your son is for her and his dad to work out not for you to interfere with. You don't need to meet her, she is no one to you.

If someone repeatedly spends time with my young child, they are someone to me and ideally I'd like to meet them. What a ridiculous attitude.

Original poster
Ajay96 · 23/04/2022 08:45

I know we don't have to get along, hence why we don't speak and I haven't pushed it over passed two years. I just thought it would be better for us all, but guess that's wrong

OP posts:
AchillesPoirot · 23/04/2022 08:45

@Ajay96 I never mentioned point scoring.

Original poster
Ajay96 · 23/04/2022 08:47

MRex · 23/04/2022 08:44

Why do you want this? He's your child, if dad doesn't want him then let him be with you because you love him. 2 years isn't very long to take on life-long responsibility for a child and she's right to proceed with caution around attachment if she doesn't know whether she will stick around or not.

Regarding the spare room, a child doesn't need the biggest room and they may need it as an office, clothes drying room, storage etc. You need to appreciate that you're getting too involved in their lives if your thoughts about their house is any more than whether it's safe and he has a small space of his own.

I completely agree, I didn't agree with them meeting as soon but they choose to do it anyway. I haven't pushed for anything last 2 years, expect letting his dad know I didn't have any hard feelings towards her like he initial assumed and I was happy that my son liked her

OP posts:
Moochio · 23/04/2022 08:47

If someone repeatedly spends time with my young child, they are someone to me and ideally I'd like to meet them. What a ridiculous attitude. that's an absolutely valid point of view to have but the child is in Dad's care and Dad should be trusted to make sure the GF is OK to be around his son. OP Can want to meet her all she wants but the GF doesn't have to meet someone who is shit all to do with her.

Cheesechips · 23/04/2022 08:47

I'm sure there's a way you can get along without the gf having to provide free childcare. For whatever reason they don't want to be involved and you need to accept that.