Step parents involvement.. too little or too much?

[Ajay96]

Hi,
I'm currently coparenting my sons dad, it's been 4 years now and although we're on better terms things are still problematic at times.
We were together 10 year before splitting, he had affair, tore me apart, but he tried come back I said no so I completely accept our current circumstances. I am more than willing to be civil, as I know personally how important it is for seperated parents to get along, as my mum and dad seperated when I was 3years old. They had they're moments but saw past they're differences and put us first, attending family gatherings, celebrations, together even with new spouses etc.
This is where my main challenge is, my sons dad is in a 2 year relationship, they stay together and my son visits, stays from time to time, he has his own room there (smallest one out of 3, big huge spare lieing empty) some toys, clothes however I do usually provide most things he needs, nice outfits, tablet etc. Because of this inconsistency and little involvement he does pay maintence through collect and pay. This is a fair amount due to arrears and charges so he claims he needs to work more at weekends therefore can't keep our son overnight.
His gf is at home all weekend, so am I wrong to expect her to help out here? I know at first they were unsure how much involvement she would have incase it upset me, however I've blatantly said I was happy for her to help, although I've never met her as his dad won't allow it, sees no reason for us to talk. My opinion he's scared I would expose things he doesn't want her to know. His dad goes to work at 6am and he won't wake him early when I'm at home anyway, so I said can his gf not watch him till he wakes about 8am/9am then I would pick him up. They declined this, infact she doesn't watch him on her own ever. Although my son does seem to like her, she takes no involvement I. His care. Am I wrong to expect her to help aswel? Especially since they live together, should she do more? Is there anything I could try to do to help or just leave it be? Any help would be greatly appreciated x

I'm not seeing it as child care, his dad choosing to work extra shifts so can't see his son, her helping out would allow that to happen

Which part of it wouldn't be childcare?

Advising about what I should and should not send sounded like i was trying to be one on them, far opposite, I've tried discussing gifts for bdays and Christmas so he didn't end up with doubles, I've made clear he can take toys from here to there as they are his toys etc

In all honesty, your ex apparently doesn’t prioritise his son so to expect his girlfriend to do what the child’s father won’t is a stretch. It’s not her fault he falls short.

my ex is a lousy father and has recently stopped communicating with our children altogether and doesn’t pay child support. I knew it would happen before long and I grudgingly accept this because I can’t change him and you can’t change your ex into a better father.

Obviously she would be caring for him, but I meant it wasn't child care like for me to go out etc, I meant more along lines of them being family I didn't see issue with it.

You’re being ridiculous. I’m sorry your ex is a disappointment but you’re bang out of order thinking it’s his partner’s job to have your son instead.

And he has his own room there so what’s it to you that there’s another bigger spare room?!

I can see why he doesn’t want you to meet her.

Are you for real or is this a wind up. No way should you expect his girlfriend to parent your child.

Yup, I know he doesn't do what he should be doing, I don't push it either. Although had set days he never sticks to them and o end up letting him take when he wants because if not he won't see him. He uses work as an excuse not to have him, I simply was looking for advice if should discuss further his gf helping.. I didn't want to overstep as I know if I do will be argument, so wanted opinions on matter first

Yes, YABVU to expect her to provide childcare. My DS has a stepmum and I do not expect this of her. If his dad is working, he doesn't go round.

You cannot expect this woman to look after your son. Sure it would be nice if she did. But it's very entitled to expect it. Your son already has two parents who are responsible for him. The actual issue here is that one of them, his dad, doesn't want to have him overnight. Unfortunately there isn't much you can do about that.

Then focus on him and leave his GF out of it

I love how strongly you feel about it. I've had both involved and not involved step mums, being distant and not seeing me as her family was awful, it created a rift between me and my dad, where as other one sees me as her own, obv does more for her son but doesn't leave me out. I know what one I'd prefer for me son, that's my personal opinion I was just looking for others views on it too

You can’t make someone meet you.

FWIW, I would absolutely want to meet someone my child spent a lot of time with, and being on friendly terms seems sensible. I presume your ex lied to her about something, or lied to you. Do you know what she looks like and whether you knew her before? Is the relationship perhaps older? Possibly reassuring him that you want to be on friendly waving terms rather than talking might make him more amenable. What do you think your ex might be hiding?

But it is points scoring . That’s exactly it.

( Also a tablet isn’t necessary for a 3 year old)

OP my own experience as a step child sounds the same as yours. I had three parents, my step dad treated us exactly the same as his own DD. And I hope my teen DS feels the same way about his step dad, my DH.
It's unfortunate that your ex's gf doesn't want to help out but I think you have to respect that. Hopefully it will come with time

Not her child, not her responsibility. Only responsibility is you and your ex and if your ex can't step up that's not her fault either. YABU.

That doesn't have to involve providing childcare when his dad isn't home though. Not wanting to do childcare doesn't mean being "distant".

Annelovesgilbert, I'm well aware of that, hence why I never pushed for it. I simply expressed I was willing to do so, if they wanted too.. by not doing it made meeting randomly a very awkward situation that could've been avoided but hey ho that's not my descision

If my boyfriend expected me to spend my weekends looking after his child while he went to work I would leave him. Of course she shouldn’t be expected to look after your child. Your child’s dad has proved himself to be a feckless waste of space so why on earth would you want your child to be spending more time there?

But they might now see themselves as a family unit like that and that’s totally fine. I said in my post my household and my ex’s handle it differently. In our house we’re a family unit so DH would always look after DS if I’m not around but in my ex’s his wife doesn’t want to do that and that’s ok. It’s their household and their decision.

although if it’s because ex is working then really he should find some form of paid childcare to cover his time.

Want it all you want but she doesn't have to want to ever meet you

I'm so glad someone finally sees where I'm coming from.. I just feel he's not seen as family, and by no means do I blame her, a lot his dads fault, I'm simply looking for help in how to approach situation. I was lucky my mum and dad got along and his new wife loves my mums, it makes my life so much easier, I don't know why others can't see that

There you go then you've met her then? All sorted.

Interesting view point. Would u not see ur boyfriends children as your family then no?

Moochio, the bigger picture is we stay in a small village, I'm well aware of who she is, she works on local shop, where I also shop, so yes I saw her in passing. Let's add I had my son with me, he spoke to her freely, our interaction was strange and awkward as neither of us knew how to react. Meeting prior to this would've cleared that air, I don't see why that would cause such an issue, except I know his dad wants to keep two lives seperate. I'm not persuading any relationship with her simply asking advice