Step parents involvement.. too little or too much?

[Ajay96]

Hi,
I'm currently coparenting my sons dad, it's been 4 years now and although we're on better terms things are still problematic at times.
We were together 10 year before splitting, he had affair, tore me apart, but he tried come back I said no so I completely accept our current circumstances. I am more than willing to be civil, as I know personally how important it is for seperated parents to get along, as my mum and dad seperated when I was 3years old. They had they're moments but saw past they're differences and put us first, attending family gatherings, celebrations, together even with new spouses etc.
This is where my main challenge is, my sons dad is in a 2 year relationship, they stay together and my son visits, stays from time to time, he has his own room there (smallest one out of 3, big huge spare lieing empty) some toys, clothes however I do usually provide most things he needs, nice outfits, tablet etc. Because of this inconsistency and little involvement he does pay maintence through collect and pay. This is a fair amount due to arrears and charges so he claims he needs to work more at weekends therefore can't keep our son overnight.
His gf is at home all weekend, so am I wrong to expect her to help out here? I know at first they were unsure how much involvement she would have incase it upset me, however I've blatantly said I was happy for her to help, although I've never met her as his dad won't allow it, sees no reason for us to talk. My opinion he's scared I would expose things he doesn't want her to know. His dad goes to work at 6am and he won't wake him early when I'm at home anyway, so I said can his gf not watch him till he wakes about 8am/9am then I would pick him up. They declined this, infact she doesn't watch him on her own ever. Although my son does seem to like her, she takes no involvement I. His care. Am I wrong to expect her to help aswel? Especially since they live together, should she do more? Is there anything I could try to do to help or just leave it be? Any help would be greatly appreciated x

Exactly, me and his dad have many issues, the main reason I asked advice before speaking to him. If he thinks it's unreasonable it will be a big argument, so I'd rather avoid it altogether.
He uses many excuses I simply was looking at ways to counter them.. I've not done anything just asking

@AchillesPoirot for example he does things at my house, riding his bike for first time and asked not call his dad to show him so I did. He found dinosaur bones at his dads and couldn't wait to tell me.. how is this wrong?

What are you talking about? What experiences would be better for him by having his dad's girlfriend look after him all weekend while his dad works?

I'm really not understanding why this would benefit your son to have his girlfriend look after him. Your son is there to see his dad. I'm not saying his dad sounds great, it sounds like he doesn't do enough for him at all but his girlfriend can't fix that. What he needs is his dad to step up, if he won't do that then he needs you as his mum to do what his dad will unfortunately not do (not saying you don't already do that).

That's an issue between you and your ex. Nothing to do with his gf.

I never phoned my ex or sent pictures If the kids wanted to show him they could show him themselves.

I did transfer big ticket items like bikes and tablets from house to house. Even though I bought them and Their dad didn't Do they could've just ridden the bike at his house and shown him there.

Who's saying this is wrong?

Most people are saying you just don't need to speak to her.

You keep saying your question was about step parents and what you can expect from his girlfriend and then you keep going on about his dad and saying should you never be able to raise anything with his dad. The two are separate.

Your ex sounds like a useless dad which is sad for your son.

That is a separate issue to what you should expect from his girlfriend in terms of help, which is nothing because it's not her responsibility.

Yes they're materialistic, he fees sad as he is aware how little he does with him compared to with me, it has an impact, I would do anything in power to help resolve this. yes his dad knows, yes I tel his dad loves him, I don't know half the things he talks about but I pretend I do so he doesn't feel bad about it.
I'm trying to make my sons life easier, looking for her understanding our situation, how is this wrong?

I'm trying to make my sons life easier, looking for her understanding our situation, how is this wrong?

Because you're wanting her to fix the issue of your son having a useless dad.

Yes of course it's sad for your son and I feel very bad for him that his dad doesn't see him enough or seems to do very little for him.

But that doesn't mean she needs to do anything about it or that you need to discuss it with her and get her to understand. She's nothing to do with you, she doesn't need to help with this issue, she doesn't need to discuss it with you. She's your exes girlfriend, not your son's parent.

Your son has a useless dad. That's unfortunate but something you'll have to help him deal with as best you can. Nothing she does will solve that for you.

Do you think your son's life will magically be better because his dad's girlfriend watches him over a weekend?

The core issue will still be there, which is that he has a dad who makes excuses not to see him.

It won't fix anything.

If they wanted to do this they could have offered it already. They haven't. So you don't push it.

The only real expectation you should have is that they are a decent human being. You can hope that they enjoy having your child around and that they will love them (not as a mother but as a SM), but you should not expect that. Wrt the bedroom frame it in a different way "yes darling you're bedroom is different to here but daddy's house is different to this one isn't it, so your room will be as well. You still have your things there so it is your room, just for you". As for his dad working " yes it's a shame you can't stay over but daddy has to work so can't look after you. Next time though maybe he will at home". Talk to your ex (not the GF), and explain that your son is finding it a bit tough and work out away to resolve it between the 2 of you. Finally, you are viewing all SP's through the eyes of your own experiences. Not all blended families are the same, some work well, some don't. I get that you want what you had for your son, but that can only come with time, some take longer than others.

I never once mentioned I wanted her to fix anything, I explained my situation in hope of looking for advise on expectations. I don't want cause drama but want to solve a problem, they've

I think your overthinking and getting too involved with what does on during dad's time, clouded by your own experiences.

She's not a step parent, she's dad's girlfriend. She is doing the right thing not taking a step parent role because it would be very unfair and confusing to your little boy if they split up and she just disappeared, but of course you can't dictate she disappear from her own home during contact.

She's dad's girlfriend she has no obligations so it's lovely that she has a good relationship with your son and he likes her.

Other than that what dad does on his time is his business and unless you have safeguarding concerns or she was unpleasant to him it's none of your business. Of course you can't dictate to her or him how they behave, you're not their boss, just like he can't tell you what to do and where to go on your time.

ah mumsnet hypocrisy strikes again. You know if this was the stepmum posting she’d get ripped apart and told she ‘knew what she signed up for’ 🤦🏻‍♀️🤣

You haven't used the word fix but obviously that's what you're wanting her to do.

You said yourself that she's at home all weekend so why can't she care for him. That is you expecting her to solve or fix the issue of his dad working at weekend and being "unable" to have him. What else would you call it?

That was one scenario, as an example. I can clearly see a lot of step parents view step children differently, I didn't realise that, but I'm glad I understand now.

Yes. Wrongly! She's not even married to him, she's not signed up for anything. She's this man's girlfriend of a couple of years.

I'm just the crazy ex seemingly 🤦🏻‍♀️ can't ask for help or advice without being torn to shreds

@TheBestSimply so marriage defines a step parent role?

That was one scenario, as an example

But you keep insisting this thread is about expectations of step parents and then talking about issues with his dad. So I'm not sure which it is. You're insisting you haven't asked for her to fix anything but then keep saying the thread is about what expectations you should have of her in relation to your ex being shit with his son.

She can't be expected to do anything about any of the issues you've mentioned on this thread, they are all issues with his dad.

All your actually asking is that if e has to leave house at 6am to work, then girlfriend is "in charge" until say 8-9am when you collect? So that son gets the evening with dad?

It doesn't seem unreasonable. Currently you get no evenings on your own correct?

Why can't dad return son at 6am if it's such an issue with his girlfriend? That would be better than never spending sn overnight with him.

Have you read all the comments, they are all about how it's his dads issues not hers. I had to reply to them explaining I'm aware of his issues, i don't need help with that, however everyone keeps going back to it.. so u tell me ..

Personally I think the person in the position of "step parent" defines what their role will be. Whether they want to be super involved or take a more hands off approach and no one should expect them to act like a 3rd parent if they don't want to, certainly not the ex.

I think if your ex thinks his girlfriend should be more involved then that's for him to discuss with her as her partner, not you as the ex. Your expectations in relation to your son should be focused on his other parent.

My point was, in the grand scheme of things this is a short relationship. It's not a long term partnership of years and years, it's not a married couple. She doesn't need, imo, to treat your son like her own child. She's only been with your ex for a couple of years! It's of no benefit to your son to start spending extended amounts of time alone with his girlfriend.

That was one potential scenario I used to describe situation and possible expectations. His dad refuses to wake him up early when I'm at home, that's why I was questioning is it unreasonable to say if it's possible his gf watches him while he's sleeping and I would pick him up as soon as he woke up.
I have a very good support network always willing to help. I use this mainly to allow me to work, however if I needed a night to myself, we there to attend a party, get some sleep etc, then I can also cover this without his dads help.

I would say it’s definitely the basis for it, yes. she isn’t his step mum-she’s his dad’s girlfriend.

@TheBestSimply got it, as the ex I don't do or say anything unless asked. Sorted problems solved

If the gf was willing to look after the child between 6am and 8am it would mean that he could have sleepovers with his Dad. As it is that's not possible. I can't imagine not agreeing to that for the sake of my bf and his child, but I can respect that we're all different. Maybe she's not maternal, maybe she feels she's done her bit with her own kids. Obviously it's up to her