Step parents involvement.. too little or too much?

[Ajay96]

Hi,
I'm currently coparenting my sons dad, it's been 4 years now and although we're on better terms things are still problematic at times.
We were together 10 year before splitting, he had affair, tore me apart, but he tried come back I said no so I completely accept our current circumstances. I am more than willing to be civil, as I know personally how important it is for seperated parents to get along, as my mum and dad seperated when I was 3years old. They had they're moments but saw past they're differences and put us first, attending family gatherings, celebrations, together even with new spouses etc.
This is where my main challenge is, my sons dad is in a 2 year relationship, they stay together and my son visits, stays from time to time, he has his own room there (smallest one out of 3, big huge spare lieing empty) some toys, clothes however I do usually provide most things he needs, nice outfits, tablet etc. Because of this inconsistency and little involvement he does pay maintence through collect and pay. This is a fair amount due to arrears and charges so he claims he needs to work more at weekends therefore can't keep our son overnight.
His gf is at home all weekend, so am I wrong to expect her to help out here? I know at first they were unsure how much involvement she would have incase it upset me, however I've blatantly said I was happy for her to help, although I've never met her as his dad won't allow it, sees no reason for us to talk. My opinion he's scared I would expose things he doesn't want her to know. His dad goes to work at 6am and he won't wake him early when I'm at home anyway, so I said can his gf not watch him till he wakes about 8am/9am then I would pick him up. They declined this, infact she doesn't watch him on her own ever. Although my son does seem to like her, she takes no involvement I. His care. Am I wrong to expect her to help aswel? Especially since they live together, should she do more? Is there anything I could try to do to help or just leave it be? Any help would be greatly appreciated x

Yes I'm struggling too. Anything you think their household needs to know just tell dad.

Your expectation is unreasonable. And you have no right to set expectations on her for the type of relationship she has with your dc.

We live in a small village so technically I already knew but I was worried about bumping into 3 of them when out and it being awkward. I offered to meet to clear air, simply say hi introduce formally, let her know I wasn't a big bad person and was happy she was in my sons life.. is that a bad thing to offer?

Anyway that's beside the point, would it not be better if all parties were open about expectations etc ? no because you shouldn't have any expectations of her. Discuss any expectations of dad with dad. There's only two of you involved here.

You can offer. She can say no.

So I'm of understanding I should expect her not to be involved at all, so it would be reasonable of me to ask her not to be around him, ask her not to post photos of him etc?

Absolutely not a bad thing to offer but she has no desire to meet you and discuss things and that's fair enough. You can't just summon her and demand meetings. Don't take it personally though she probably just can't see the point as she's not getting involved with the parenting.

This is reasoning I was asking for advice, i didn't want to offer incase it created problems so would rather just leave it be.

So I'm of understanding I should expect her not to be involved at all, so it would be reasonable of me to ask her not to be around him, ask her not to post photos of him etc?

No. Because when he's with his dad that's his call.

So I'm of understanding I should expect her not to be involved at all no. I'm saying you shouldn't have any expectations one way or the other. You can expect Dad to have decided what is best for his child and discuss any issues with her.

it would be reasonable of me to ask her not to be around him if you have safeguarding concerns raise them otherwise butt out.

ask her not to post photos of him etc? discuss that with their father if it's an issue. If he doesn't see a problem with it not sure what else you can do.

Moochio, I'm definitely not demanding anything, I offered in beginning it was declined and left there.. I'm only looking for advice as I don't want to cause any drama, so would rather not say anything at all if this is response I would get. I'm simply trying let them know I am happy for her to help but if doing so looks like I expect her to then I will drop it,

Yes I think that's best. If they want to know your opinion dad will ask you for it.

I'm just getting confused with this, so basically I shouldn't talk to her at all or even try to have civil relationship, I should just stay back completely? Am I allowed to talk to my son about her? Or am I expected to act like she doesn't exist?

His gf is at home all weekend, so am I wrong to expect her to help out here? I know at first they were unsure how much involvement she would have incase it upset me, however I've blatantly said I was happy for her to help, although I've never met her as his dad won't allow it, sees no reason for us to talk.

You're totally unreasonable.

Looking after your child is up to you and his dad.

If I got any indication at all that my husband's ex was saying this about me I'd make sure I had the bare minimum involvement too. How entitled can you get.

Your problem is entirely with his dad. She owes you nothing. All she owes your son is not getting in the way of a relationship with his father and being kind to him when he's there. She doesn't need to provide childcare or help you or he with this. She's his girlfriend, they aren't even married.

I can't believe you've said you're happy for her to help and therefore think she should 😳 and he's right there is no reason for you to talk really.

But like the poster says families come on different shapes and forms. Ok they have a house together and post pictures online but that doesn’t mean she wants or has to provide a parental role for your child.

My ex and his wife own a home together but she doesn’t see my son as her stepchild just her husbands son. Doesn’t make it any less my sons home when he’s there just that she doesn’t want the responsibility of caring for him like her child. Is that weird to me? Yes but not my circus not my monkeys.

They also don’t share finances so ex pays for everything for DS and his wife pays everything for her kids in their family.
Is it the set up I use? No we completely share all money BUT that doesn’t invalidate it. You just have to respect they do things differently and if she doesn’t want to look after your child then that’s her choice. She also doenst have to meet you and “work things out”

Well the best advice would be to leave the GF and the dad to it. What happens when the child is with them is none of your business unless you believe your child is being abused in some way. My DD's SM came into her life when DD was 8, she's now 30. I have only met the SM about 3 maybe 4 times in all those years at family events...DD's 18th, when they helped with DD's house move and at DD's engagement dinner. Why would I need to discuss anything with the SM? All issues around DD was discussed by me and her dad, there was no need to discuss anything with the SM.
I have also been a SM, but that was a complicated situation in which I was very "hands on" and a whole other thread.

just getting confused with this, so basically I shouldn't talk to her at all or even try to have civil relationship, I should just stay back completely? Am I allowed to talk to my son about her? Or am I expected to act like she doesn't exist?

You be civil face to face if that ever happens like you would any other person but no you don't need to go out of your way to speak to her.

Any issues you need to discuss with your son's dad, his parent. She isn't some third parent you're also co parenting with. She's his girlfriend.

If you don't like that she posts pictures on social media mention it to his dad but also accept that he has a say on that too and if he's fine with it she may continue to do it.

You can speak to your son about her (providing it's not negatively obviously) like you would anyone else he knows i.e. friends etc..

She's not there to help either of you out with your childcare. It's not her fault that your child's dad is shit at seeing him. That is unfortunately who you are co parenting with because he is who you share your son with, not her.

I'm very much aware my son is my responsibility. This is the reason I work and arrange child to do so, any additional child care I need would be done from my own family, so let's make it clear I DO NOT NEED HER TO HELP. My question was would u expect a step parent to help out if they lived in same house? I never said I was entitled to this, I was unsure how to approach it as didn't want them to think I resented her presence when infact I'm very much willing to be civil. Would u not want a good relationship? I'm not forcing this at all. I always did not say one bad word about her, I'm trying to understand the situation and looking for help.. I came from a seperated family, with different types of step parents and need help understanding my situation that's all

If she doesn’t want a relationship with you then yes basically. It sounds like she isn’t playing a parenting role with your Child anyway so you don’t need to talk to her!

i Know Ds stepmum
because her and DH worked together so I met her before we split. Since they’ve been a couple I’ve had zero reason to speak to her really apart from once when I needed to drop off some things for Ds and his dad wasn’t in so she answered the door, once Ds and I were in Asda and saw her with her kids so we said hi and a few weeks ago I went round to chat to her dad (he’s from Ukraine and escaped before the invasion) I speak some Russian so went to chat to him because he’s lonely as he can’t communicate with anyone apart from stepmum and stepmum was away for work. When she got back ds stepmum thanked me for being kind to her dad.

otherwise zero contact we don’t need to talk. All or wrong decisions are made by ex and I. I trust him and his wife to make their own decisions in their house so I’ve got no reason to interfere or know what they’re doing. Same way ex leaves me and DH to it in our house

All parenting sections (not wrong 😅)!

@Ajay96 but you’re blatantly criticising the bedroom set up (smallest one out of 3, big huge spare lieing empty)

Interesting to see people’s responses, realistically I would expect a step parent to help out. They knew the situation when the got together with your ex. Your son may find it quite difficult if he doesn’t feel welcome.

I also would expect to meet the step parent, I would want to meet anyone spending time with my child. Whist you can’t demand they help out, I would have thought it was a given to be honest. My step parent took care of me at times, I still struggled with feeling like the odd one out, especially when they had child of their own, god knows what your son will feel like.

Perhaps she doesn’t feel like your son is a priority, if I were a step parent then making certain the existing children were doing okay would be very important.

I would just try and reinforce to your son that his dad loves him but can’t always be there in the way he needs. Don’t make him feel like his dad is a bad person, or doesn’t want him.

Yabu to expect her to provide childcare, it's completely down to her. Inregards to the bedroom I don't see why he having the small room is an issue, there's some stepchild who don't even have a room or space.

Stating I don't understand reasoning for it was not criticising.

My question was would u expect a step parent to help out if they lived in same house?

Well this is my point. You shouldn't be expecting anything from her by way of help in terms of your son. He is the responsibility of you and your ex not you, him and her.

It immediately got my back up reading your post when you say 'shes at home all weekend'. It's absolutely nothing to do with you what she's doing at the weekend. Maybe she likes being alone at the weekend, maybe she likes being free to go and see friends, maybe she wants to sit about naked on her sofa all day who knows. The point is its zero to do with you. If you have a problem with the fact your ex doesn't see your son enough then that is between you and him. She's not there to fix his issues for you.

Id be so pissed off if my husband's ex was saying 'well Best is at home anyway'.

It depends on your meaning of a good relationship. I feel me and my husband's ex have a good relationship because we are civil when face to face and don't bad mouth each other but we have never spoken directly about issues with DSC, she doesn't text me, she doesn't discuss problems with me, she doesn't even have my number and I don't have hers either. There's no need. We're not friends which is fine.