Step parents involvement.. too little or too much?

[Ajay96]

Hi,
I'm currently coparenting my sons dad, it's been 4 years now and although we're on better terms things are still problematic at times.
We were together 10 year before splitting, he had affair, tore me apart, but he tried come back I said no so I completely accept our current circumstances. I am more than willing to be civil, as I know personally how important it is for seperated parents to get along, as my mum and dad seperated when I was 3years old. They had they're moments but saw past they're differences and put us first, attending family gatherings, celebrations, together even with new spouses etc.
This is where my main challenge is, my sons dad is in a 2 year relationship, they stay together and my son visits, stays from time to time, he has his own room there (smallest one out of 3, big huge spare lieing empty) some toys, clothes however I do usually provide most things he needs, nice outfits, tablet etc. Because of this inconsistency and little involvement he does pay maintence through collect and pay. This is a fair amount due to arrears and charges so he claims he needs to work more at weekends therefore can't keep our son overnight.
His gf is at home all weekend, so am I wrong to expect her to help out here? I know at first they were unsure how much involvement she would have incase it upset me, however I've blatantly said I was happy for her to help, although I've never met her as his dad won't allow it, sees no reason for us to talk. My opinion he's scared I would expose things he doesn't want her to know. His dad goes to work at 6am and he won't wake him early when I'm at home anyway, so I said can his gf not watch him till he wakes about 8am/9am then I would pick him up. They declined this, infact she doesn't watch him on her own ever. Although my son does seem to like her, she takes no involvement I. His care. Am I wrong to expect her to help aswel? Especially since they live together, should she do more? Is there anything I could try to do to help or just leave it be? Any help would be greatly appreciated x

@Ajay96 I'm not the poster you quoted but I definitely wouldn't see any boyfriend's children as family.

They'd be his children. I have mine. I don't need any more nor do I want them.

Oizys, the reason I say family unit is because they just bought a house together, so yes I assume them as a family unit.. they must see it too, posting family pics online.. how else would I view this?

I'm really sorry to hear that tbh.. as a child who had a step parent with that view was awful, I wouldn't wish on anyone.. my current "step mum" although I call her by her name is very much involved in mine and my sons life, she's his "granny". My dad has final say but she would never leave us out or treat me different

@Ajay96 no, of course I don’t see my boyfriend’s children as family. I don’t see my boyfriend as family either. We don’t have kids together or live together and have no plans to, certainly not until his dc have all left home. I love him very much and we have a great relationship but neither he, his kids or any other members of his family are anything other than people who I quite enjoy spending time with occasionally.

But they are not even married, she is his GF! I honestly don't understand why would you even think she should provide childcare. And yes, looking after someone else's child is a childcare. You have waaay too high expectations. If she is polite to your child and doesn't make it difficult for his dad to spend time with your little one then consider the situation excellent. He has you, he doesn't need another mummy. You need to work with your ex on whatever childcare arrangements work for both of you. She has nothing to do with that.

I get it because my stepdad treats me like his own and my DH treats my Ds like his own

but also just because your ex go friend doesn’t want to do that or feel that way doesn’t mean they won’t have a good relationship. My DS has had his stepmum in his life since he was 2 she has never wanted to have a “parental” role. She has two kids of her own a few years older than Ds. Ds is now 10 and he gets in great with his stepmum. He doesn’t see her as a mum figure and calls her his dads wife / doenst see her kids as step siblings BUT he has a laugh with her / them and enjoys his time at his dads. It works for them

in our house he views my husband as a dad figure and is always put out (although very understanding) when my DH can’t attend things like school plays because my ex doesn’t want him too. He wouldn’t ever consider asking his stepmum because they don’t have thy kind of relationship but that’s not a negative because they batik have a good relationship just different

honestly OP you can’t control his relationship with his dad and that household and it’s not worth the stress

If that works for youse that's great, I just had negative experiences with people dating my parents with that view. It was a very difficult time for us all, but they were happy so I tried not to make a fuss of it

@Ajay96 don't be feeling too bad. I don't have a partner and I have a rule not to date anyone with children who are not adults. Specifically because I know I wouldn't consider his children family and I wouldn't want the stress of blending a family

I'm just giving my view as not everyone sees their partners children as family.

Oizys that's where I was looking for advice on how to approach discussion about it all. My step mum, I call her by her name as I would never have someone replace my mum and her role but she is granny to my son as been there since he was born.. I know my son happy there but doesn't talk much about her doing things. I know all houses dynamics differ, and because we don't chat about things I am unsure what they want to do or not. Either way I'm happy aslong as my sons happy

@Ajay96 why was it a negative experience? My boyfriend’s kids have a great mum already. Why on earth would they need me to pretend that I also see them as my family? If we were married, had been together for more than 2 years or had kids together I’d probably view it differently but we don’t and we’re not. I’m pretty confident I’m not harming my boyfriend’s kids by occasionally joining them for dinner or going on days out with them.

She has no responsibility towards your son and I can’t see why she should be solely caring for him? Why would you want her to? Contact is for the child and father so the father needs to facilitate this, not a new partner.

I haven’t read all the replies.
I don’t think you can expect his gf to look after your son when he’s at work but it he should try and find childcare if needed, is there not a grandparent that could maybe help out?

my ex never has my dc over night, in fact he only sees them for a few hours on a Sunday, he does have a new partner who is involved with the DC’s but I wouldn’t expect her to care for the o her own although she has offered in the past.

i think the room he provides for his son is fine considering he doesn’t stay that often, he’s paying maintenance so he shouldn’t really have to pay extra for clothes, tech etc..

my ex doesn’t pay the full amount of maintenance, we sat down and discussed what he could afford and came to an agreement, I didn’t want him to be struggling to live and I didn’t want him to be unable to do anything with the dc (though he doesn’t really do anything with them). It sounds like your ex is working over time to catch up with back payments meaning he is not around enough to support ds as much as he would like too? Hopefully there’s some kind of middle ground and you can sit down like adults and work something out?

Sorry I think I originally misunderstood your opinion. It's more clear to me now what you mean.. I'm well aware families are all so different, that's why I was unsure what to expect, or not to expect. Hearing other opinions has been very interesting though

It’s not her problem your ex is a crap dad, why should she have to step up to make up for his shortcomings? You’re looking to the wrong person. The bedroom thing is none of your business; it’s not your house after all. For all you know they both work from home, regularly have people to stay, use a room as a home gym 5 days a week etc

There is literally zero chance of me doing childcare for my boyfriends child / children. Mind you, l wouldn’t date anyone with young children.

I don't need him to take our son, i have lots of support to help if I needed it at the weekend. My main concern was, they bought house together, so pretty serious but my son isn't family. I know this is his dads concern, however I was curious to what others would expect a step parent to do and how involved they should be.. I tread lightly with his dad so wanted advise before I broached the subject

I always find these threads so interesting. I'm totally with you OP, if you are in a relationship with someone with a child, you have to want to take the child on too. My DH's 'D'F remarried when DH was a teen. His new wife has never shown any interest in DH children and it essentially means that my DH and siblings to a large extent have lost out on having a DF. Of course ultimately its DF fault for marrying someone who wasn't willing to prioritise the existing children but I think it's a great shame.

I'm Definetly not expecting her to make up for his dads short falls, I simply wanted opinions on how others would see that family dynamic..
I don't care what they use room for, it's up to them, my point was my son, is not a priority in their life, yes that's his dads fault. He should make him a priority but if his gf doesn't see my son as family then that would be difficult fo his dad to juggle.. they can do what they want I just want to be clear when talking to him what I should expect or not expect

I'm honestly shocked at how negative everyone has been. I know family's are hard and understanding dynamic etc but I assumed everyone wanted the best for the children etc. My dad had an ex like that and it really put a strain on our relationship, he was torn between us and it really hurt. I couldn't say much as I wouldn't him to be happy, luckily he saw sense and dumped her.. looks like I will be staying clear of any conversation about her helping to o now x

Look at it from the GF's POV. If she is looking after your child and he is naughty (he's young and will have his "moments"). What would you expect her to do? If she lets the bad behaviour go then she sets a precedent for your child to misbehave freely, if she tells him off then either you or his dad will tell her it's not her place to do that, so either way she cannot win so it's best to leave the parenting to the actual parents.

The best thing for the children is for their parents to do the parenting.

I am a "family unit" with my DSC. I don't treat them as my own I treat them as individuals. But family comes in so many shapes and forms and after only 2 years I wouldn't expect them to want to do free childcare. Or even for the children to want to see her over their own dad.

I assumed everyone wanted the best for the children etc maybe GF and dad think what is best for the children isn't her getting overly involved at this stage.

That's exactly what I do think about. I always worried about my son having a step mum, for lots of personal reasons, his dad was awar of these so I understood her uncertainty in the beginning. This is why I've since tried clear air, offer to meet, discuss things etc, why worry about what ifs when they can be agreed in advance. This is why I'm looking for advice on best way to approach it x

Why do you want to "meet" her? What would that achieve?

That could very well be the case, I don't know they might have just bought a house together for sake of it. Anyway that's beside the point, would it not be better if all parties were open about expectations etc ?