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Original poster

Step parents involvement.. too little or too much?

214 replies

Ajay96 · 23/04/2022 08:29

Hi,
I'm currently coparenting my sons dad, it's been 4 years now and although we're on better terms things are still problematic at times.
We were together 10 year before splitting, he had affair, tore me apart, but he tried come back I said no so I completely accept our current circumstances. I am more than willing to be civil, as I know personally how important it is for seperated parents to get along, as my mum and dad seperated when I was 3years old. They had they're moments but saw past they're differences and put us first, attending family gatherings, celebrations, together even with new spouses etc.
This is where my main challenge is, my sons dad is in a 2 year relationship, they stay together and my son visits, stays from time to time, he has his own room there (smallest one out of 3, big huge spare lieing empty) some toys, clothes however I do usually provide most things he needs, nice outfits, tablet etc. Because of this inconsistency and little involvement he does pay maintence through collect and pay. This is a fair amount due to arrears and charges so he claims he needs to work more at weekends therefore can't keep our son overnight.
His gf is at home all weekend, so am I wrong to expect her to help out here? I know at first they were unsure how much involvement she would have incase it upset me, however I've blatantly said I was happy for her to help, although I've never met her as his dad won't allow it, sees no reason for us to talk. My opinion he's scared I would expose things he doesn't want her to know. His dad goes to work at 6am and he won't wake him early when I'm at home anyway, so I said can his gf not watch him till he wakes about 8am/9am then I would pick him up. They declined this, infact she doesn't watch him on her own ever. Although my son does seem to like her, she takes no involvement I. His care. Am I wrong to expect her to help aswel? Especially since they live together, should she do more? Is there anything I could try to do to help or just leave it be? Any help would be greatly appreciated x

OP posts:
TheBestSimply · 23/04/2022 11:05

Ajay96 · 23/04/2022 11:01

@TheBestSimply got it, as the ex I don't do or say anything unless asked. Sorted problems solved

What are you talking about?

In relation to her and what you feel is, lack of involvement with your son, yes it's up to her partner to speak to her if it's an issue for him not you. Your only concern should be your son's dad, not his girlfriend and how you don't feel she does enough for your child.

Thats not the same as dramatically saying you can never say anything to your ex about your son unless spoken to first. Don't be so ridiculous.

TheBestSimply · 23/04/2022 11:07

Oneborneverydecade · 23/04/2022 11:02

If the gf was willing to look after the child between 6am and 8am it would mean that he could have sleepovers with his Dad. As it is that's not possible. I can't imagine not agreeing to that for the sake of my bf and his child, but I can respect that we're all different. Maybe she's not maternal, maybe she feels she's done her bit with her own kids. Obviously it's up to her

Show quote history

And if she was willing, she'd have offered already. As she hasn't I don't think it's for OP to push the matter (the matter about his girlfriend, by all means push the fact that his dad doesn't do enough). I don't think it's for OP to remind them of what his girlfriend could and couldn't do.

Original poster
Ajay96 · 23/04/2022 11:09

@TheBestSimply think I must be loosing track of whose said what, because I definetly read as an ex I'm not allowed to give my opinion unless I'm asked for it.
It's clear thats I would be in the wrong to talk about his dads gf in anyway, so i think I expected too much and will be leaving it there

OP posts:
Blendiful · 23/04/2022 11:11

People are being quite harsh here which is common on these matters.

Bottom line is no, she shouldn't be expected to look after him, but I can see why you would think perhaps she could and why it would be nice for your son. But I don't think you should be the one to raise it. You should raise with DS dad that he would like to see him more and stay over and ask his dad to accommodate this with his work. If he chooses to ask his GF and she agrees then that's up to them.

If he doesn't and says he can't I think you just have to go with it. As for getting along, yes it would be much better for your son if you all do, but again you can't force it. If you see her in passing or regularly where she works just have a chat then, just make sure she knows that you are fine with it and chat in with your son chatting to her it should clear the air.

I can see where you are coming from but it's up to his dad to sort it and all you can do is encourage and mention it. If he does nothing, you've tried!

Moochio · 23/04/2022 11:12

Really tel me where I'm going wrong here and advise me how I should fix it? don't expect anything of her other than kindness towards your son. Any issues speak to dad.

OnlySoAnHour · 23/04/2022 11:15

Oh come on OP, this is about what is convenient for YOU. Either go pick him up the night before, or get his dad to wake him at 6am so you can collect him before he goes to work. You don’t even talk to her, yet suddenly because her looking after him for a few hours would make your life easier you’re dressing this up as what is best for your son and how you should all get on and play happy stepfamilies … even though you’re making sure everyone knows he’s an arse and you’re hard done by. And he’s got his home room at his dads place and you’re even being picky about that? It’s completely fine, small or not, and it NONE of your business how they divide up their living quarters in their own home. If you really want to get on for the sake of your kid, stop being so bossy and controlling.

Moochio · 23/04/2022 11:19

I'm trying to make my sons life easier, looking for her understanding our situation, how is this wrong? you don't need her to understand your situation. Your beef is with his dad.

Clymene · 23/04/2022 11:23

They're both shit. Your ex is a shit dad and she's a Disney step mum. But there's sod all you can do about it. You can't raise it with him because unfortunately you cannot dictate how they behave.

I'm sorry your dad was in a relationship with a woman who clearly didn't like you but that's on him. That's his fault. Just like it's your ex's fault/decision to be in a relationship with a woman who doesn't want to take on a step mother role with your child.

What you can do is insist he sticks to the times/dates agreed. If he doesn't, he doesn't see your son. Don't facilitate his ineptitude.

Original poster
Ajay96 · 23/04/2022 11:24

OnlySoAnHour · 23/04/2022 11:15

Oh come on OP, this is about what is convenient for YOU. Either go pick him up the night before, or get his dad to wake him at 6am so you can collect him before he goes to work. You don’t even talk to her, yet suddenly because her looking after him for a few hours would make your life easier you’re dressing this up as what is best for your son and how you should all get on and play happy stepfamilies … even though you’re making sure everyone knows he’s an arse and you’re hard done by. And he’s got his home room at his dads place and you’re even being picky about that? It’s completely fine, small or not, and it NONE of your business how they divide up their living quarters in their own home. If you really want to get on for the sake of your kid, stop being so bossy and controlling.

How is this more convenient for me?
I would collect him if this was an option for me.
I'm by no means hard done by, I chose to have my son and I will do everything I can for him.
Yes his dad and I have our challenges, that I can deal with. I simply looking for advise on the family dynamic. Yes, I worry that my son will be pushed out, so clearly over thinking things. Never once have I caused an argument about this to them, I asked other mums for advice and what I should do. Can't win whatever u do

OP posts:
ThinWomansBrain · 23/04/2022 11:25

the GF doesn't have to meet someone who is shit all to do with her.
especially someone that expects GF to act as an unpaid childminder🙄

Original poster
Ajay96 · 23/04/2022 11:27

ThinWomansBrain · 23/04/2022 11:25

the GF doesn't have to meet someone who is shit all to do with her.
especially someone that expects GF to act as an unpaid childminder🙄

Seriously? If I needed a childminder I would pay for one myself.
If it was up to me they would have never met, but wasn't my choice, so I'm working out way the balance is.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ajay96 · 23/04/2022 11:33

Clymene · 23/04/2022 11:23

They're both shit. Your ex is a shit dad and she's a Disney step mum. But there's sod all you can do about it. You can't raise it with him because unfortunately you cannot dictate how they behave.

I'm sorry your dad was in a relationship with a woman who clearly didn't like you but that's on him. That's his fault. Just like it's your ex's fault/decision to be in a relationship with a woman who doesn't want to take on a step mother role with your child.

What you can do is insist he sticks to the times/dates agreed. If he doesn't, he doesn't see your son. Don't facilitate his ineptitude.

Appreciate your comment so much. I do struggle with last one tho, he never sticks to times, but knows I will let him go when asked. I would love to enforce the rules but can't bring myself to say no to my son seeing his dad, unless we have plans etc.

OP posts:
Clymene · 23/04/2022 11:44

Yes I can see how that might be difficult but he's controlling you and your son by his behaviour. If he doesn't stick to agreed times, it's him who is preventing your child from seeing his dad, not you.

I think it might make you happier and feel more in control.

majorquimby · 23/04/2022 11:46

When I became a step parent to young DSC, Saturday mornings after a stressful week in work went from something enjoyable to something far less so, they went from a lie in / peace and quiet with a coffee to crack of dawn wake ups and kids tv and tantrums about toast crusts. As their parent DH got up and dealt with most of it, I grabbed a coffee and went back to bed a lot of the time, or I went to the gym or whatever. And we were married...but it still wasn't my responsibility and if DH had said I'm going to start working weekends can you look after the DSC on Saturday mornings I'd most likely have said no!

I know you think it's just a couple of hours, but in her shoes I would not be wanting to get up early and supervise a small child for a few hours if I had any choice in it - maybe she likes a lie in, maybe she goes to yoga or for a run, maybe she meets friends for an early breakfast. None of those she can do whilst minding your son. Maybe she's said to your ex that your son is more than welcome to stay over as long as he's around in the morning to do small child wrangling but your ex would prefer to work for whatever reason.

You need to focus on your ex, and your ex alone. He's not being a great dad, and it's down to him to arrange his work hours or childcare to accommodate seeing his son more, although sadly it sounds like he doesn't want to. It really isn't his girlfriend's problem, and you wanting to meet her so you can 'help' them resolve a problem that from their perspective isn't a problem at all is a bit weird frankly. As so many people have said if she wanted to offer she would have. And she hasn't.

Original poster
Ajay96 · 23/04/2022 11:47

Clymene · 23/04/2022 11:44

Yes I can see how that might be difficult but he's controlling you and your son by his behaviour. If he doesn't stick to agreed times, it's him who is preventing your child from seeing his dad, not you.

I think it might make you happier and feel more in control.

Tbh, I think your right, looks like it's pointless to even try to have that positive relationship now. I can't imagine the first few weeks will be fun but hopefully will work out for best

OP posts:
Oneborneverydecade · 23/04/2022 11:56

majorquimby · 23/04/2022 11:46

When I became a step parent to young DSC, Saturday mornings after a stressful week in work went from something enjoyable to something far less so, they went from a lie in / peace and quiet with a coffee to crack of dawn wake ups and kids tv and tantrums about toast crusts. As their parent DH got up and dealt with most of it, I grabbed a coffee and went back to bed a lot of the time, or I went to the gym or whatever. And we were married...but it still wasn't my responsibility and if DH had said I'm going to start working weekends can you look after the DSC on Saturday mornings I'd most likely have said no!

I know you think it's just a couple of hours, but in her shoes I would not be wanting to get up early and supervise a small child for a few hours if I had any choice in it - maybe she likes a lie in, maybe she goes to yoga or for a run, maybe she meets friends for an early breakfast. None of those she can do whilst minding your son. Maybe she's said to your ex that your son is more than welcome to stay over as long as he's around in the morning to do small child wrangling but your ex would prefer to work for whatever reason.

You need to focus on your ex, and your ex alone. He's not being a great dad, and it's down to him to arrange his work hours or childcare to accommodate seeing his son more, although sadly it sounds like he doesn't want to. It really isn't his girlfriend's problem, and you wanting to meet her so you can 'help' them resolve a problem that from their perspective isn't a problem at all is a bit weird frankly. As so many people have said if she wanted to offer she would have. And she hasn't.

I hope you find this comment useful OP. @majorquimby gives the gfs pov without sticking the knife in (unlike many other posters). You've had a hard time on here, I hope you realise that says more about the ppl posting than it does about you

Original poster
Ajay96 · 23/04/2022 12:02

majorquimby · 23/04/2022 11:46

When I became a step parent to young DSC, Saturday mornings after a stressful week in work went from something enjoyable to something far less so, they went from a lie in / peace and quiet with a coffee to crack of dawn wake ups and kids tv and tantrums about toast crusts. As their parent DH got up and dealt with most of it, I grabbed a coffee and went back to bed a lot of the time, or I went to the gym or whatever. And we were married...but it still wasn't my responsibility and if DH had said I'm going to start working weekends can you look after the DSC on Saturday mornings I'd most likely have said no!

I know you think it's just a couple of hours, but in her shoes I would not be wanting to get up early and supervise a small child for a few hours if I had any choice in it - maybe she likes a lie in, maybe she goes to yoga or for a run, maybe she meets friends for an early breakfast. None of those she can do whilst minding your son. Maybe she's said to your ex that your son is more than welcome to stay over as long as he's around in the morning to do small child wrangling but your ex would prefer to work for whatever reason.

You need to focus on your ex, and your ex alone. He's not being a great dad, and it's down to him to arrange his work hours or childcare to accommodate seeing his son more, although sadly it sounds like he doesn't want to. It really isn't his girlfriend's problem, and you wanting to meet her so you can 'help' them resolve a problem that from their perspective isn't a problem at all is a bit weird frankly. As so many people have said if she wanted to offer she would have. And she hasn't.

Thank you for your personal opinion, this is what I was looking for. I can see things from my point of view but not theirs and I worried I was either doing too much or too little. The way I would do things is different from others, so it's nice to hear explanations In to why they might not want to offer, and as you explain we're personal reasons.
C

OP posts:
HandbagsnGladrags · 23/04/2022 12:07

You only seem to want to listen to the people who are agreeing with you OP.

I am a step mum and I have no relationship with my husband's ex. That's for him to sort. Nor do I look after his kids - that's for him to sort.

Some stepmums choose to be more involved, some don't. Totally up to them. They have no legal responsibility for that child.

Original poster
Ajay96 · 23/04/2022 12:11

HandbagsnGladrags · 23/04/2022 12:07

You only seem to want to listen to the people who are agreeing with you OP.

I am a step mum and I have no relationship with my husband's ex. That's for him to sort. Nor do I look after his kids - that's for him to sort.

Some stepmums choose to be more involved, some don't. Totally up to them. They have no legal responsibility for that child.

I appreciate every helpful post, it's allowed me to see things differently. I can only go on personal experiences and was looking for clarification. I worried the reason they didn't do a lot because he wasn't seen as family, but I see that may not be the case and had really put my mind at ease about it all. This is my first child and I clearly have been overthinking a lot about it, mostly down to my own trauma.

What had really concerned me is the many people that have completely shot me down, assuming I have bad intentions and alteriot motives. I can't understand the logic behind d these and it's hurtful to hear.

OP posts:
Brighteyedtriangle · 23/04/2022 12:13

Im with the OP. I grew up with a step mum and i have also been a stepmum (or dads girlfriend) i watched her, took her places as did my stepmum.
If someone goes out with someone with a child then they should know that will impact on their life someway or another and if they dont want to accept that then they should find someone else.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 23/04/2022 12:15

Brighteyedtriangle · 23/04/2022 12:13

Im with the OP. I grew up with a step mum and i have also been a stepmum (or dads girlfriend) i watched her, took her places as did my stepmum.
If someone goes out with someone with a child then they should know that will impact on their life someway or another and if they dont want to accept that then they should find someone else.

Impact on their life, yes. Become an unpaid babysitter, no. Totally different.

Original poster
Ajay96 · 23/04/2022 12:22

Brighteyedtriangle · 23/04/2022 12:13

Im with the OP. I grew up with a step mum and i have also been a stepmum (or dads girlfriend) i watched her, took her places as did my stepmum.
If someone goes out with someone with a child then they should know that will impact on their life someway or another and if they dont want to accept that then they should find someone else.

It's lovely to hear a positive story. That is my opinion on things but I can see not everyone is of same understanding

OP posts:
Original poster
Ajay96 · 23/04/2022 12:24

@Getyourarseofffthequattro what makes you believe the should have an impact on their life but not watch them on their own? Why does this make them an unpaid babysitter? Can u clarify this please?

OP posts:
Waxonwaxoff0 · 23/04/2022 12:24

Brighteyedtriangle · 23/04/2022 12:13

Im with the OP. I grew up with a step mum and i have also been a stepmum (or dads girlfriend) i watched her, took her places as did my stepmum.
If someone goes out with someone with a child then they should know that will impact on their life someway or another and if they dont want to accept that then they should find someone else.

Impact on their life, yes of course. That doesn't mean doing free childcare every weekend.

lickenchugget · 23/04/2022 12:25

What is a Disney stepmum? She’s not even married to the ex?

SM’s are damned if they do, damned if they don’t.

DC go to see their DF, that’s what visits are for. It’s not for his GF to babysit when he is not there. Your problems are with him, and it’s misogynistic to expect the woman to pick up that slack.