Step parents involvement.. too little or too much?

[Ajay96]

Hi,
I'm currently coparenting my sons dad, it's been 4 years now and although we're on better terms things are still problematic at times.
We were together 10 year before splitting, he had affair, tore me apart, but he tried come back I said no so I completely accept our current circumstances. I am more than willing to be civil, as I know personally how important it is for seperated parents to get along, as my mum and dad seperated when I was 3years old. They had they're moments but saw past they're differences and put us first, attending family gatherings, celebrations, together even with new spouses etc.
This is where my main challenge is, my sons dad is in a 2 year relationship, they stay together and my son visits, stays from time to time, he has his own room there (smallest one out of 3, big huge spare lieing empty) some toys, clothes however I do usually provide most things he needs, nice outfits, tablet etc. Because of this inconsistency and little involvement he does pay maintence through collect and pay. This is a fair amount due to arrears and charges so he claims he needs to work more at weekends therefore can't keep our son overnight.
His gf is at home all weekend, so am I wrong to expect her to help out here? I know at first they were unsure how much involvement she would have incase it upset me, however I've blatantly said I was happy for her to help, although I've never met her as his dad won't allow it, sees no reason for us to talk. My opinion he's scared I would expose things he doesn't want her to know. His dad goes to work at 6am and he won't wake him early when I'm at home anyway, so I said can his gf not watch him till he wakes about 8am/9am then I would pick him up. They declined this, infact she doesn't watch him on her own ever. Although my son does seem to like her, she takes no involvement I. His care. Am I wrong to expect her to help aswel? Especially since they live together, should she do more? Is there anything I could try to do to help or just leave it be? Any help would be greatly appreciated x

@Ajay96 you don’t have to understand or agree with the bedroom set up. It’s not your house and they don’t need to justify or discuss it with you. As this thread has thrown up; everyone is different and people live in different ways

At last someone with similar views to mine.. my point has been my son doesn't feel included, small room, not invited on holidays, not asked to events etc. Yes this an issue I'm dealing with his dad about, but was unsure if all step parents would be willing to help out so didn't want to bring it up incase it cause arguments. If anything I'm trying to make our life easier and let them know I don't think bad of either, however seems like it's coming across complete opposite x

@TheBestSimply l think it is best to have low or no expectations. Often misplaced and unrealistic expectations lead to issues and conflict

Exactly. Love is not measured in bedroom space.

I agree.

I actually do help with my SC but I'd be really annoyed if my husband said he couldn't have him for whatever reason and his ex was saying things like 'well best is at home so why can't she'.

Take it up with him!

It doesn't matter the reason for it. Maybe they have guests. Maybe they sleep in seperate rooms sometimes. Maybe they are trying for their own child who will have that room. Maybe their pissed mates stay over in there and they felt it better for DS to have a room no one else would ever use. It doesn't matter. It's not your house.

My son will always be my responsibility, i chose to have him so will willing do anything for him. Tbh I don't expect his dad to do anymore than bare minimum of actually seeing him couple hours a week, however was unsure how people would expect a step parent to be involved.
I meant she didn't work weekends, the reason I said this was because his dad uses work as excuse not to have his son etc, and I was unsure wether I was in wrong to ask her to have him in morning or not. I do not need her to do this was simply a way to solve a problem incase he did want his son and work really was an excuse.
I have same view on a good relationship. My mum dad step attended my graduation, were able to smile say hello not awkwardness etc, they're not friends but will chat if in family circumstance. I'm unsure what's wrong with that, my son already fees awkward about it as sees his time at dads and mums very seperated but that should t be the case,

My husband has never once asked his ex why her partner isn't helping with X Y or Z. I don't even think it would enter his head because he knows it's nothing to do with him what her partner is doing. If her partner wants to help they can discuss it together as partners.

@Moochio exactly, maybe they like separate bedrooms etc. None of OP’s business, they don’t have to explain or justify things in their own home. We have a 3 bedroom house; a master bedroom, office and a dressing room so only bedroom has a bed in it. Its our house and we like that set up

I completely agree, this is why I have been unsure what to do an asked for advise. My personal views are clearly different and what I would be willing to do is also different, I wouldn't expect others to do the same

I meant she didn't work weekends, the reason I said this was because his dad uses work as excuse not to have his son etc, and I was unsure wether I was in wrong to ask her to have him in morning or not yes you are wrong and as a stepmum your attitude has made me so angry. If dad wants to he can ask her and she can say no. You had your son with his dad so that's what you and he have to deal with. Would you expect a housemate to look after him for you? A lodger? No. This is the same thing only hopefully with time SM might build a nice and important relationship with your son. Or she may not. Its NOTHING to do with you.

Did I once ask them to explain anything..so basically my son gets upset about certain situations but it's not on my business I can't ask reasoning, or why so basically I console him with no information.. basically make up lies because I don't ask them anything about they're life.

I meant she didn't work weekends, the reason I said this was because his dad uses work as excuse not to have his son etc

Okay but her working or not is still irrelevant. Your ex, his dad, is saying he's working and unable to have him you don't need to remind them that she's not working I'm sure they are aware of that and so could have offered if they had wanted to. Again, your issue is with his dad and you need to take any issues up with him and leave her and her work schedule out of it.

so basically my son gets upset about certain situations but it's not on my business I can't ask reasoning, or why yes that's right. You can encourage him to talk to his dad about it or tell dad he came home a bit upset about xyz, or ask him what he does like about his room.

The room is one of many things my sons notices different on what his dad does compared to me.. my whole point is what expectations do people have of step parents, understanding this will help me speak to his dad about things that bother our son.

I think you should raise anything your son is upset about with his dad of course, like anything. No one is saying you should never ask anything about his life with his dad. Just that you don't need to ask or speak to her or even mention her to your ex. Speak to your son's dad by all means if your son has raised this. Although to your son, you shouldn't negatively talk about these things imo.

What am I saying or doing that's making u so angry? I'm basically unsure of what to expect, my views and personal experiences are different. I understand how she may feel by not wanting to get involved, I was worried this was because of me so wanting to try find a way to approach it. I was unsure what step parents are expected to do, so asked opinions. Really tel me where I'm going wrong here and advise me how I should fix it?

@TheBestSimply look I completely understand this is a possibility, but why would u want a child growing up that isn't allowed to share they're experiences from one house to another? He doesn't have 2 seperate lives, hes 1 person that stays in 2 houses, why make him split himself between them?

I don't need him to stay there, I have plenty other hep if I need it but I want to help give my son opportunity to spend time with his dad not just a few times a month

But the girlfriend looking after your son won’t give any more opportunities for him to spend him with his dad. It’ll be with her.

Sounds like the real issue is that his Dad is making very little effort with him. And using lots of excuses to justify it. How many hours a week does he actually work?
its not in the least bit unreasonable to expect to meet someone looking after your child. Presuming they’re a grown adult and you don’t have a history of being abusive I’m not sure why anyone would feel unable to do that. Personally I don’t think she is a step parent as they’re not married, it’s a short relationship and she doesn’t seem to want any of that role. Which is perfectly understandable and sensible

What do you mean by share experiences?

He could do bath, bed etc. He comes home earlier to allow me to do this so would add a couple hours to his time.

You shouldn't expect anything. That's the point. You should not expect anything of her. She is not the parent.

so basically I console him with no information.. basically make up lies because I don't ask them anything about they're life.

Why would you do this? If he says he's upset about room size then you should explain the size of the room has nothing to do with how much his dad loves him, but encourage him to talk to his dad if he feels vulnerable. Not included on holiday - encourage him to think about why it made him feel sad (the holiday itself / not enough dad time / whatever) and suggest that he tells dad how he feels.

Your description of the problems sound all very material; the boy wants a bigger room, holidays, tablet etc etc. Is he equating these material things with love, because they are tangible and he doesn't know how to express his emotions? Your job as a parent is to help him to see that love isn't shown by material things, but if he's making up these issues because he doesn't feel dad shows his love for him enough, then that's a conversation he can have directly, and help him work out how to express his emotions.

my whole point is what expectations do people have of step parents

Basically as the ex, I think you should have none apart from being nice to your son and not telling him he can't see his dad. That doesn't mean she has to look after him or do anything more than that.

He can discuss he involvement with her as his partner if he wants but you as the ex, imo, should not have expectations beyond this.