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AIBU?

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Original poster

Step parents involvement.. too little or too much?

214 replies

Ajay96 · 23/04/2022 08:29

Hi,
I'm currently coparenting my sons dad, it's been 4 years now and although we're on better terms things are still problematic at times.
We were together 10 year before splitting, he had affair, tore me apart, but he tried come back I said no so I completely accept our current circumstances. I am more than willing to be civil, as I know personally how important it is for seperated parents to get along, as my mum and dad seperated when I was 3years old. They had they're moments but saw past they're differences and put us first, attending family gatherings, celebrations, together even with new spouses etc.
This is where my main challenge is, my sons dad is in a 2 year relationship, they stay together and my son visits, stays from time to time, he has his own room there (smallest one out of 3, big huge spare lieing empty) some toys, clothes however I do usually provide most things he needs, nice outfits, tablet etc. Because of this inconsistency and little involvement he does pay maintence through collect and pay. This is a fair amount due to arrears and charges so he claims he needs to work more at weekends therefore can't keep our son overnight.
His gf is at home all weekend, so am I wrong to expect her to help out here? I know at first they were unsure how much involvement she would have incase it upset me, however I've blatantly said I was happy for her to help, although I've never met her as his dad won't allow it, sees no reason for us to talk. My opinion he's scared I would expose things he doesn't want her to know. His dad goes to work at 6am and he won't wake him early when I'm at home anyway, so I said can his gf not watch him till he wakes about 8am/9am then I would pick him up. They declined this, infact she doesn't watch him on her own ever. Although my son does seem to like her, she takes no involvement I. His care. Am I wrong to expect her to help aswel? Especially since they live together, should she do more? Is there anything I could try to do to help or just leave it be? Any help would be greatly appreciated x

OP posts:
Original poster
Ajay96 · 23/04/2022 12:27

@Waxonwaxoff0 I'm not asking them to be free child care; I used that scenario as an example to expectations of a step parent. How do u have an impact of your not involved? Can this only be done if they have dad present. Im unsure what you mean here

OP posts:
Getyourarseofffthequattro · 23/04/2022 12:28

Ajay96 · 23/04/2022 12:24

@Getyourarseofffthequattro what makes you believe the should have an impact on their life but not watch them on their own? Why does this make them an unpaid babysitter? Can u clarify this please?

Well it has an impact because they are automatically not going to be the first priority in their partners life at least some of the time.

However looking after a child that isn't yours, is childcare. And presumably nobody is offering to pay her, so it's unpaid.

She's already affected, I personally don't see why she should have to look after your child because you want her to.

I did look after DSS a lot, his mother simultaneously hated me and thought I was a bad influence but often thought I was her best option for childcare. I put up with it but I wish I hadn't!

She doesn't owe either of you anything. If she offers, that's different.

ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave · 23/04/2022 12:34

'You' has three letters.

Original poster
Ajay96 · 23/04/2022 12:35

@Getyourarseofffthequattro I suppose you could call it that then, just seems very official.

The position you were in is exactly what I wanted to avoid. As stated I felt I gave a bad impression to start with my views on a step parent, I worried the reason she wasn't as involved was because of me. I simply wanted to check what other people thought before I spoke to his dad about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ajay96 · 23/04/2022 12:37

ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave · 23/04/2022 12:34

'You' has three letters.

Yes you are correct, it does have 3 letters. Is there a reason I need to know this as I'm well aware I used an abbreviation?

OP posts:
Getyourarseofffthequattro · 23/04/2022 12:37

Ajay96 · 23/04/2022 12:35

@Getyourarseofffthequattro I suppose you could call it that then, just seems very official.

The position you were in is exactly what I wanted to avoid. As stated I felt I gave a bad impression to start with my views on a step parent, I worried the reason she wasn't as involved was because of me. I simply wanted to check what other people thought before I spoke to his dad about it.

You're probably not the reason, she probably just doesn't want to parent your child and rightly so. I'm sure you're nothing like dps ex, and I can see you just want your son to see his dad, which I completely understand. The only person who can make this better is his dad. Start with him!

Original poster
Ajay96 · 23/04/2022 12:38

lickenchugget · 23/04/2022 12:25

What is a Disney stepmum? She’s not even married to the ex?

SM’s are damned if they do, damned if they don’t.

DC go to see their DF, that’s what visits are for. It’s not for his GF to babysit when he is not there. Your problems are with him, and it’s misogynistic to expect the woman to pick up that slack.

Doesn't matter who you, there's no winning these days.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ajay96 · 23/04/2022 12:39

@Getyourarseofffthequattro thank u for response, that was my plan I just didn't want to bring anything up to him that I would be out of order saying, I'm glad I asked now before doing so

OP posts:
Moochio · 23/04/2022 12:43

I worried the reason she wasn't as involved was because of me I doubt she cares what you think tbh. Not in a nasty way just in a "life is tricky enough and learning to navigate a stepfamily situation can be hard enough without having to think about their mum" way.

zingally · 23/04/2022 12:56

You are wrong to assume the partner can/would want to take on responsibility, so that your son can go to his dad's more often. But if dad is at work anyway, what would be the point?

If you want your DS to have a more structured/formal visitation arrangement with his father, then you'll need to go through the courts.

burnoutbabe · 23/04/2022 12:56

i imagine a disney stepmum is the type that is posting all over FB - here is me and my lovely little family with pictures of the child but then privately refusing to do anything to assist. its fine to refuse to do the care but then don't make out you are all one family publicly.

Original poster
Ajay96 · 23/04/2022 13:05

Moochio · 23/04/2022 12:43

I worried the reason she wasn't as involved was because of me I doubt she cares what you think tbh. Not in a nasty way just in a "life is tricky enough and learning to navigate a stepfamily situation can be hard enough without having to think about their mum" way.

I do hope this is the case but I couldn't help worry so felt I needed to ask for advice, although many hurtful comments I'm glad I did

OP posts:
HandbagsnGladrags · 23/04/2022 13:08

Ajay96 · 23/04/2022 12:27

@Waxonwaxoff0 I'm not asking them to be free child care; I used that scenario as an example to expectations of a step parent. How do u have an impact of your not involved? Can this only be done if they have dad present. Im unsure what you mean here

My stepchild impacts on my life by living in my house half the week. And by making us not child free and able to do whatever we please for half the week. It still doesn't mean I have to look after him for him to impact on my life Confused

Original poster
Ajay96 · 23/04/2022 13:11

zingally · 23/04/2022 12:56

You are wrong to assume the partner can/would want to take on responsibility, so that your son can go to his dad's more often. But if dad is at work anyway, what would be the point?

If you want your DS to have a more structured/formal visitation arrangement with his father, then you'll need to go through the courts.

I'm seeing that now, if would several hours the night before but if she help him other circumstance mainly due to his available times.
Yes I would love structure but I would like to avoid court, as I'm not forcing anything.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ajay96 · 23/04/2022 13:16

@HandbagsnGladrags I completely understand that, I hate the thought of my son being a burden on anyone. Hearing the other point of view is very interesting and I will keep this in mind from now on

OP posts:
Original poster
Ajay96 · 23/04/2022 13:18

burnoutbabe · 23/04/2022 12:56

i imagine a disney stepmum is the type that is posting all over FB - here is me and my lovely little family with pictures of the child but then privately refusing to do anything to assist. its fine to refuse to do the care but then don't make out you are all one family publicly.

This is one of the reason I seemed advice, as I'm unsure where the boundaries are with this, and what is deemed appropriate or not. Although it seems clear I don't have a say on it

OP posts:
HandbagsnGladrags · 23/04/2022 13:22

Ajay96 · 23/04/2022 13:16

@HandbagsnGladrags I completely understand that, I hate the thought of my son being a burden on anyone. Hearing the other point of view is very interesting and I will keep this in mind from now on

I'm not saying he's a burden. I'm just saying that he impacts my life regardless of whether I provide childcare. It's an odd view to have that for a child to impact on your life you have to look after him. Am really not having a go, I just don't understand your viewpoint.

CareBearsCare · 23/04/2022 13:31

You're not wrong to want to get along with your ex. But your ex isn't wrong to want to not want a more distant relationship and keep your son's life at his house and yours separate. You'll feel a lot better about this if you remind yourself that what happens at his house is his responsibility. If he's abusive then you need to go to court but it sounds like he's just uninterested and lazy which you can't change.

Meeting your ex's partner - I understand why you're curious but how will that help? She's not unreasonable not to want to meet you, especially as she's not doing the parenting stuff. Realistically what will a meeting achieve? She'll either be on her best behaviour and polite or she'll be a nightmare. Either way there's nothing you can do. It sounds like you might be trying to get her to make up for your ex being shit by doing more parenting than she's comfortable with. You need to move away from that sort of thinking because it's not fair on her. She might not stepmother the way that you do if you were in her shoes but it doesn't necessarily make it wrong.

It would be helpful if she'd give your son breakfast but she's not unreasonable to say no to that. She clearly sees your son as her partner's responsibility which isn't unreasonable- an adult woman might have plans and want to sleep in rather than get up with her partner's son. Focus on the fact that your son seems to like her. That's good news.

Original poster
Ajay96 · 23/04/2022 13:32

@HandbagsnGladrags sorry I meant that was my view, as full time single mum I get a lot of help to allow me to work, which I'm very great full for, especially when that support is also there to help me do additional things. With that being said I worry that he's a burden on people, this is probably the main reason for my overthinking. When he's with his dad it's fine, as he's also got responsibility for his care, however I was unsure on how a step parent would view this. Would u expect them to share the responsibility while they are in their care, or are they boundaries in place. Speaking to his dad is hard although I try to be open about it, so wanted others opinions first.

OP posts:
itsgettingweird · 23/04/2022 13:36

I think you're approaching this from the wrong angle.

Your ex pays CSM based on the number of nights he has him. If he's cancelling the nights then he's not paying enough.

That's his issue.

What you need to do is get a court order for set routine and then he has to sort out childcare for ds if he chooses to take on extra work during that time. Not expect you to change your plans and finance those extra days and nights.

At this point you may find that him and his GF make a commitment more and ds becomes part of their shared life (they may even have more children) or his GF will decide that she doesn't want to have that in her life and make ex sort child are during that time or walk away.

I'm not suggesting you make that move to force their hand but rather that currently you ex is effectively using you for childcare during the nights he should have ds and be funding that through the CSM payments.

HandbagsnGladrags · 23/04/2022 13:37

To answer your question, I've never been expected to share responsibility for my stepkids in four years of marriage. I obviously cook for them if it's my turn to cook dinner, and bung their washing on if I'm doing some, but I don't consider myself responsible for them.

Moochio · 23/04/2022 13:40

I too have never had any expectation to be responsible for my DSC. I occasionally cook us all dinner but that's about it. I don't post on FB but I probably am a Disney StepMum if by that you mean I like to take them to do fun things when I want but I'm not taking them to the dentist.

Original poster
Ajay96 · 23/04/2022 13:41

itsgettingweird · 23/04/2022 13:36

I think you're approaching this from the wrong angle.

Your ex pays CSM based on the number of nights he has him. If he's cancelling the nights then he's not paying enough.

That's his issue.

What you need to do is get a court order for set routine and then he has to sort out childcare for ds if he chooses to take on extra work during that time. Not expect you to change your plans and finance those extra days and nights.

At this point you may find that him and his GF make a commitment more and ds becomes part of their shared life (they may even have more children) or his GF will decide that she doesn't want to have that in her life and make ex sort child are during that time or walk away.

I'm not suggesting you make that move to force their hand but rather that currently you ex is effectively using you for childcare during the nights he should have ds and be funding that through the CSM payments.

His payments are based on the minimum amount of days already, so I don't think that would affect it anymore. We're only through them now as he refused to help out financial for a while so built up a considerable amount of arrears.
I have thought about court, and few like you say may work with it being set legally, i just need to build myself up to deal with backlash it will initial create.
Hearing others opinions on it has been interesting right enough, it's gave me a lot to reflect on

OP posts:
Original poster
Ajay96 · 23/04/2022 13:44

@Moochio @HandbagsnGladrags this is what i hope happens when he visits, i think it's just the uncertainty I worried about, therefore overthinking things that I am aware of.

OP posts:
itsgettingweird · 23/04/2022 13:47

FWIW I also don't think the suggestion you should be collecting him from dads evening or 6am for dad to work is right either.

I think you're plan to not let him control this situation is the best one for now.

Get an online Google calendar and agree times and dates each month. If he cancels any then next month put in writing you will agree to only the same number of days he's shown he can commit to for this month to protect your ds emotions from being let down.

If you do decide a court order is best in the long run you will have very clear written evidence of what you are seeking it for - which will be continuity for your ds and for you with arrangements so you're lives aren't dictated by him.