Step parents involvement.. too little or too much?

[Ajay96]

Hi,
I'm currently coparenting my sons dad, it's been 4 years now and although we're on better terms things are still problematic at times.
We were together 10 year before splitting, he had affair, tore me apart, but he tried come back I said no so I completely accept our current circumstances. I am more than willing to be civil, as I know personally how important it is for seperated parents to get along, as my mum and dad seperated when I was 3years old. They had they're moments but saw past they're differences and put us first, attending family gatherings, celebrations, together even with new spouses etc.
This is where my main challenge is, my sons dad is in a 2 year relationship, they stay together and my son visits, stays from time to time, he has his own room there (smallest one out of 3, big huge spare lieing empty) some toys, clothes however I do usually provide most things he needs, nice outfits, tablet etc. Because of this inconsistency and little involvement he does pay maintence through collect and pay. This is a fair amount due to arrears and charges so he claims he needs to work more at weekends therefore can't keep our son overnight.
His gf is at home all weekend, so am I wrong to expect her to help out here? I know at first they were unsure how much involvement she would have incase it upset me, however I've blatantly said I was happy for her to help, although I've never met her as his dad won't allow it, sees no reason for us to talk. My opinion he's scared I would expose things he doesn't want her to know. His dad goes to work at 6am and he won't wake him early when I'm at home anyway, so I said can his gf not watch him till he wakes about 8am/9am then I would pick him up. They declined this, infact she doesn't watch him on her own ever. Although my son does seem to like her, she takes no involvement I. His care. Am I wrong to expect her to help aswel? Especially since they live together, should she do more? Is there anything I could try to do to help or just leave it be? Any help would be greatly appreciated x

Having read your updates...

You need to realise that you can't stop your son realising that you make far more effort than his Dad. Telling his Dad what to do is just going to make him create more distance between you because it's nagging. Save it for the important issues.

I used the phrase "I don't know" in situations like this because decisions like who has what bedroom is his Dad and partner's choice which I have no influence over. Maybe bedroom 2 is an office, guest room or future nursery ?

It is sad that he can't talk to his Dad about stuff like the holiday. There may be explanations that make him feel better eg it was term time or they were at a adults only hotel.

I know why you want to shield your son from the realisation that his dad is crap but he's not going to change his ways just because you tell him to.

He refuses the 6am drop off anyway, as he says I'm available so why should he do it, this is reason I suggested I pick him up when he wakes. I didn't want to bring up again incase I was expecting too much.
It's the consistency I aim for, that's why I made the suggestion in the first place.
I do like u view on, offering same amount days each month. And will definitely look into logging it more formal

I think you actually need to understand that you are not the centre of everything here. Your posts are all about what you want, what would make you comfortable, what you feel about your own stepparents…

But your son has a separate life with his father. One that you are not a part of. Clearly your ex doesn’t want you to be part of it. You need to respect that and stop being so caught up in what goes on in that household.

Do you think your ex should be interfering in your life and having opinions on how you organise the rooms in your house, what toys and clothes you buy, and so on? Should he be dictating what kind of role any new partner you might have plays in your household and the kind of relationship he’s required to have with unite son?

The thing about splitting up is that your child no longer has one household and one family. They get two. And things can be very different in each house.

I actually think you would benefit from some counselling to help you work through this stuff and recognise where the boundaries are here.

You’ve got an idea of the coparenting model you want, but the reality is that it’s not the one you have, and it’s not the one they’re offering either. It really doesn’t matter what you think they should be doing, because you wanting it doesn’t mean they’re willing or obliged to provide it. You need to come to terms with that.

She’s there because she’s the girlfriend of your ex. She’s not your son’s stepmother and it doesn’t seem like she’s interested in taking on that role. That doesn’t mean she’s not perfectly pleasant to your son when he’s there, but she has no responsibility towards him and shouldn’t be expected to. That’s entirely on his father. If he wants a better relationship and more contact with his son, it’s for him to sort out, not her.

Your post is very intriguing, can I ask why I think I'm centre of everything?
I'm well aware he has a seperate life there. I'm very appreciative of all his other role models, they help give him experiences I am unable to. He learns so much from all of these and wouldn't be the amazing boy he is without them.
I do wish my life was as straight forward as that. I do not interfere in my ex's personal life at all, except the two instances I mentioned his partner helping out. I never brought it back up to him, this is why I posted here. He has a lot more to say about my life, which I hate, therefore I do not do back to him.
I do not dictate what he does at his dads, although he does try to do with me. It's hard not to be involved, as he asks regularly for me to provide things, but seems that's okay but I can't ask in return.
His experiences outwith my house do impact him, so I don't understand why I wouldn't be allowed to know about these. I don't judge or criticise it, but being aware helps greatly, allowing me to help support my son at home.
I do already see a therapist, not primarily due to this but a great deal of other trauma, that I've also admitted previously too. I'm aware these impact my views, therefore actively seeks help to inform myself better.

I do not interfere in my ex's personal life at all, except the two instances I mentioned his partner helping out you've mentioned this to him twice already?! How did you not get the hint it is NOTHING to do with you?

They were a long time ago and under different circumstances. Things have now changed, he has now done things he previously said he wouldn't, therefore I was confused to what they're actual opinion was on it. This is reason for seeking advice, as I'm unsure.

Honestly, you seem very invested in them, and trying to understand them and be able to talk to your son about them. I think you need to step back. He doesn’t seem like he wants to co-parent they way you do, and you can’t force it upon him. Concentrate on making your life with your son as happy as possible.

OP, you're getting a hard time on here because you're coming off really entitled. Your ex's gf owes you precisely nothing in the way of free childcare.

I've been in your ex's gf's situation when my DSD was small, and tbh his ex had exactly the attitude you seem to - virtually as soon as I moved in with DH she was in there with the complaints that I wasn't providing any free childcare. I wouldn't have put it past her to suggest I get up at 6 a.m. at the weekend to care for a child who wasn't my own, but she was unreasonable and you sound like you are too. Sorry but you did ask for opinions.

Ohh I know that, where as I'm completely opposite in person. I was very reluctant about her involvement in the beginning, took me a while to see she was positive influence. I tried to right my wrong, but that has now came across as me being entitled. I feel stuck and no where to go, I shared my personal views in hope of getting genuine opinions. Has opened my eyes, to different view points, as like I said I've never been in situations so don't know what to expect.

OP you want to have a harmonious and successful coparenting relationship so that your son feels safe and cared for in both of his homes and with both of his families. Personally i think this is great. It may be that SM views on bleneded family don't align with yours or it may be that it's just still early days. If your son is happy spending time with her focus on that just now. Your ex is the one that needs to sort this, ask him for a day a week where he can have his child, can you be flexible or does it have to be the same day?

You're getting a hard time because I think your OP gave off a different impression from your subsequent posts. You could perhaps mention to your ex that dc has enjoyed spending time with GF and You're pleased they seem to get on well. Then they will know you're open to her involvement. I can also understand why you would like a brief introduction so you can know the person who is involved enough with your son to post pics of him on social media, surprised so many people think this is weird, but equally this has to be wanted on both sides. Sounds like you're doing your best for your son and you have an ideal in mind which is perhaps being slightly clouded by your own negative experiences. Their relationship may continue to evolve. Best of luck.

Fair dos 🙂(and tbf I may have missed a few of your posts as I'd left the page open and unrefreshed for a while). Makes a change for people to post on AIBU and actually listen to the feedback, actually. wry laugh

I think you would definitely benefit from much firmer boundaries with your ex. To stop him interfering in your life if nothing else.

It would be good if you could get him to go to mediation with you and negotiate a clearer, more formal contact arrangement. Do you think he’d agree to that?

you could talk with your therapist first to think about the kind of boundaries you can have written in to a parenting agreement with him. Things like not commenting on or trying to interfere in each other’s lives (which is him not commenting on your life as he has been), each parent providing necessary clothes and toys for their contact time (that’s him agreeing to stop asking you for stuff), and so on.

You can’t make him follow through on this. Nor can you make him step up and do things like have his child overnight. But a written parenting agreement gives you something to refer back to so you are clearer about the boundaries. You can respond to him commenting on your life with ‘our parenting agreement says we aren’t going to comment on things like this’.

Well now things have settled down I wanted to say thank you to everyone that took the time to comment on my thread. I asked for personal opinions and that’s what I got, good and bad, they were all very much appreciated. I can only use personal experiences to shape my feelings on the situation so hearing other perspectives was extremely helpful. Although lots of these were very harsh, i now understand more on how the “step parent” views they’re role, which has allowed me to reflect on my own views, understanding her lack of involvement isn’t solely based on her trying to exclude him, but possibly more on personal/ couple level.
I asked for personal opinions and that’s what I got, however I was shocked at the way these were directed and aimed at me. I wrote the msg basically blurting out my thoughts, yes they were one side and only focused on a small part on my story, but this was the area of concern. Reading comments of assumptions and stereotyping my situation was crazy, and how so many people judged my character. I couldn’t keep up with replies, leading to everything getting twisted. Moving forward some members would really benefit from taking time to reflect on their actions and words, stop making up your own stories snd focus on the question posed in the thread. The title is there for a reason, that is the focus not a million other things along the way. Saying that I do appreciate the views within each comment, but the harsh words and judgment was shocking. I really wish I had the time to give u the full story and set the record straight but I would be here all day, so I’m leaving it as it is. Thank you again and I hope you all have a nice night x