When people say they're invisible/no longer turn heads

[Onanotherdiet38]

Now in my 30s, I am probably considered ancient to a 19 year old male for instance, I don't expect them to find me attractive as in a prospective partner, but equally I couldn't care less what they think of my looks as i am not interested in 19 year old men myself.

At 50, I don't expect men in their 20s/30s to consider me as dating material, and I expect to be considered too old for them. I'm sure I could be considered attractive to men of a similar age/not too much younger.

If a 50 year old male rejected me as a 50 year old to date a 25 year old woman instead then I'd consider it a lucky escape really.

Surely it's all relative? I'm sure a lot of men in their 50s/60s do find 20 year olds highly sexually attractive but personally I wouldn't want to date someone who's aiming for that age.

I don't believe in the concept of invisible. People say they used to 'turn heads' a lot, but we don't see every single person looking at us. And surely validation shouldn't come from whether some man is gawping at us as we walk down the street.

I saw a woman the other day who looked around 70, her face was lined but she had quite 'young' clothes and make up, she had such beautiful eyes and auburn hair. It's all relative I think.

I think you haven’t hit the age yet where you get “being invisible”. It’s not just about being sexually attractive, it’s about literally everyone overlooking you because they perceive you to be past it age wise and therefore (wrongly) believe your opinions etc and whole being aren’t important or valid anymore. That’s what it’s about and it sucks.

um.... to some of us, this is like asking "Do you have a one-inch wrinkle under the left side of your neck?"

Not only irrelevant to my identity but deeply obsessive navel-gazing. I have learnt a lot on here about how much people prize their looks and sexual attention, I suppose. but I will never understand other human beings.

aside, to teens everyone outside age 11-28 yr old and that they don't need to talk to, is invisible. I find it funny the way their eyes scrutinise & fade as they approach others on the street.

I agree with you but only because my experience is very much as you say. Lots of crude gawping and comments in my teens and 20s. After that marriage/divorce and now in my 50s. I no longer get the gawping and I think it's wonderful. I've never had the sense of being overlooked at all but maybe that's because I don't really notice or look at other people myself, apart from my friends. Maybe I'll feel different in my 60s when I retire, who knows.

I will probably get flamed a bit for this on here but I think a lot of MNetters use it as a way to boast about their attractiveness when they were younger.

If you didn't know Elle MacPherson was famous and she walked down the street, I'm fairly sure she would still turn a lot of heads even at nearly 60.

It's not just about finding validation from men finding us attractive though. Society as a whole - the media, Hollywood, etc. - tells us that men get more attractive with age, whereas women become unattractive.

And it's not just looks. We stop being taken seriously - we're just silly menopausal women. We're overlooked in the workplace. Our opinions don't matter.

That's what people mean by being invisible. It's not just being good looking.

@Bagelsandbrie

I think you haven’t hit the age yet where you get “being invisible”. It’s not just about being sexually attractive, it’s about literally everyone overlooking you because they perceive you to be past it age wise and therefore (wrongly) believe your opinions etc and whole being aren’t important or valid anymore. That’s what it’s about and it sucks.

this - absolutely this. You don't believe it will happen to you until it happens to you. How you look is such a small part of it.

And it's not just looks. We stop being taken seriously - we're just silly menopausal women. We're overlooked in the workplace. Our opinions don't matter

That's what people mean by being invisible. It's not just being good looking

This!

it's not about being attractive. i was unattractive when younger - so no stealth brag there - but people would hold a door open, be friendly, and listen when i spoke.

honest now it's different - i think invisible is the wrong word - it's irrelevant. it's only to
strangers - people i know are still as they were but if i ask for help in a shop, for directions, make small talk, hold a door for someone or walk though a door for someone else, it's like i am not there.

That's because you're 30!

It's not all about sexual attraction. I've never been a woman who turns heads, but I've been relevant and respected. "Attractive" enough if you want to get to know me.

Now in my 50s, I often find myself "invisible" in areas where I was previously someone who demanded attention. By shop assistants, medical professionals, professional colleagues. Professionally is the most frustrating. People who could previously have seen me as a valuable contact seem to think I have nothing left to offer.

Ah, it's not about how men look at you OP, not in the main part. It's not being taken seriously anymore, not counted.
I'm certainly more 'invisible' on the street, yes. That's good (less male attention) and bad (no one seems to see me coming through doors behind them anymore) and it affects me in a multitude of ways.
BTW, your statement that you 'don't believe' in other people's shared experience is a pretty good example of how women disappear. Thanks for that.

Or having trouble getting served at a bar or being over looked in a queue in a coffee shop etc

@Momicrone

Or having trouble getting served at a bar or being over looked in a queue in a coffee shop etc

Yes!! I've recently had a major life change which has meant I'm back in pubs occasionally, after 20 years of sending DH to the bar. In the past I stood there with my cash and the man next to me would point out that I was next. That doesn't happen anymore and it's really hard to catch the bar staff's eye. I used to be "good" at this.

I was invisible until I met a wonderful man who made me feel gorgeous and I gained confidence and suddenly got lots of attention from men (and women also telling me I looked great). I think if you feel invisible you will be snd vice versa

For a few years humans are at their most beautiful that’s just fact! A pub used to go quiet when I walked in at my peak. Not now ha! Once you get over 26 ish have kids and life makes you look abit bedraggled it goes. Men too. Think of all those Greek statutes!

Love looking at young people at that age (not in a pervy way). Dds friends mum looking at our 15 year old gaggle sighed recently “they are just all so beautiful” and they are.

@Bagelsandbrie

I think you haven’t hit the age yet where you get “being invisible”. It’s not just about being sexually attractive, it’s about literally everyone overlooking you because they perceive you to be past it age wise and therefore (wrongly) believe your opinions etc and whole being aren’t important or valid anymore. That’s what it’s about and it sucks.

This!

As others have said, it not just about how you look.

I was relatively attractive when I was younger - though by no means a stunner. I did get attention in that way. I’m in my early 40s now and that noticeably stopped around 4-5 years ago. Even the dirty old men don’t look at me any more - they are perving on younger women. I found it unsettling as it had been like a background noise in my life for so long, but now it feels like a relief. However the “you’re irrelevant” feeling that you get from everybody once you’re older (which is not about how attractive you are perceived to be) is horrible. It’s a subtle attitude of “you’re past it so don’t matter” from everybody. It’s never spoken but you see it in attitudes and actions and it is not nice.

You've just done it OP, you've dismissed what lots of middle aged women are telling you. How could they possibly know more about it than you?

I agree with the PP, you're misunderstanding and thinking it's about attraction. It isn't, it's about complete irrelevance. At almost 50 I have had men literally move me out of their way like I'm a piece of furniture.

Oh the irony of a young woman telling older women so say they feel invisible that their lives and shared experience isn't true 😂
.... come back to us in 10 years op....

You don’t believe in it OP? Why don’t you believe in something millions of women experience just because you haven’t experienced it yet? Do you not “believe” in the effects of the menopause either? Do you think it’s just a load of irrelevant ancient old women making a fuss about nothing? I think you might want to think about the irony of dismissing the experiences of other women who complain about their experiences of being dismissed.

I retired at 55. Textile work is my favourite thing.On Wednesday I had to take a portfolio of work to a group of artists I hoped to join. The group was all women ,some around my age, some older. Really talented women. Chatting to them over coffee they all had degrees in art/textile design/ ceramics etc. Several had done these degrees after their children had left home. Four of them had masters degrees and one lady had been the head curator of a huge arts centre in Birmingham. Anyone looking through the window would probably have thought" oh look, a load of old women faffing about . "

An example. I've been a regular attender at football matches for 40 years. On the whole men at football ignore all women, they're there for the one thing that's more important to them than sex and actually the stereotype of leering football fans couldn't be further than the truth, even for young women.

When you go to the loo at half time as a woman, you're going against the crowd. Until recently, the crowd would open up to let me pass. Now I have to ask.

I'm in my 50s, honestly, I have no idea what you're talking about. I don't think I get ignored in queues etc. I don't get on street harrassment much anymore but that's it.

I disagree, I feel more visible! I may have got looked at by men when I was younger but I was so shy and unassertive. Now I put myself out there and chat to other people, I am more likely to assert my needs and say what I think. People know I’m here, they may not want to shag me but I’m bloody well visible!