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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

When people say they're invisible/no longer turn heads

203 replies

Onanotherdiet38 · 08/04/2022 07:57

Now in my 30s, I am probably considered ancient to a 19 year old male for instance, I don't expect them to find me attractive as in a prospective partner, but equally I couldn't care less what they think of my looks as i am not interested in 19 year old men myself.

At 50, I don't expect men in their 20s/30s to consider me as dating material, and I expect to be considered too old for them. I'm sure I could be considered attractive to men of a similar age/not too much younger.

If a 50 year old male rejected me as a 50 year old to date a 25 year old woman instead then I'd consider it a lucky escape really.

Surely it's all relative? I'm sure a lot of men in their 50s/60s do find 20 year olds highly sexually attractive but personally I wouldn't want to date someone who's aiming for that age.

I don't believe in the concept of invisible. People say they used to 'turn heads' a lot, but we don't see every single person looking at us. And surely validation shouldn't come from whether some man is gawping at us as we walk down the street.

I saw a woman the other day who looked around 70, her face was lined but she had quite 'young' clothes and make up, she had such beautiful eyes and auburn hair. It's all relative I think.

OP posts:
DrManhattan · 08/04/2022 08:43

Surely this is a very personal and individual experience. Not sure what you are trying to achieve with this discussion. Its not new.

Stompythedinosaur · 08/04/2022 08:44

@Bagelsandbrie

I think you haven’t hit the age yet where you get “being invisible”. It’s not just about being sexually attractive, it’s about literally everyone overlooking you because they perceive you to be past it age wise and therefore (wrongly) believe your opinions etc and whole being aren’t important or valid anymore. That’s what it’s about and it sucks.
Totally agree with this. It isn't about being fancied!
carefullycourageous · 08/04/2022 08:45

I don't believe in the concept of invisible. Grin OK then!

KimWexlersPonyTail · 08/04/2022 08:45

I thought like Op tilI I hit 50 and people mostly men would talk over me in meetings, nothng I said was put in the minutes, ignored in pubs and cafes, also viewed differently in health care settings. Its a real shock when it happens. Often those ignoring me in work were men in their 50s

SpotALeopard · 08/04/2022 08:47

This is why I take with a massive pinch of salt all those posts about women ‘smashing it out the park’ on LinkedIn that invariably feature women in their 20s. Not that they aren’t achieving great things, and not that reaching certain goals young isn’t impressive, but until I start seeing more visibility of older women’s careers it just makes my cynical.

I think men and probably people in general feel well-disposed to young women, not so much older ones.

Holly60 · 08/04/2022 08:47

@JangolinaPitt

I was invisible until I met a wonderful man who made me feel gorgeous and I gained confidence and suddenly got lots of attention from men (and women also telling me I looked great). I think if you feel invisible you will be snd vice versa
Yes this! If you walk in somewhere with your head held high and a big smile, people will notice you. Nice clothes, hair and makeup are important too. If you look confident, pulled together, happy, and, dare I say it, expensive…. People will notice you.
JohannSebastianBach · 08/04/2022 08:47

What Bagels said.

Margot78 · 08/04/2022 08:48

Meh I tend to ignore men in their fifties..

DameCelia · 08/04/2022 08:49

As many other women have already explained very eloquently @Onanotherdiet38,
It is nothing to do with sexual attraction, you genuinely become invisible to everyone after a certain age.
Personally I quite enjoy it, poor service ? Fine I'll take my large salary elsewhere to spend it. Overlook me in a meeting? Please, go ahead, once you've stopped dominating the proceedings you're going to realise I'm actually the most important person in the room and maybe feel slightly embarrassed you just talked over me. Push in front of me to get served somewhere? I'm not bothered, I just think you are rude.
But none of the above mitigated the fact that women over a certain age are discounted by society and that is just plain wrong.

Notonthestairs · 08/04/2022 08:49

"I don't believe in the concept of invisible."
🙄 God forbid you'd listen to anyone that has experienced it. It's absolutely not about being attractive to men 20 years younger - male sexual interest isn't the barometer.

It's about being seen and heard and valued - and you've dismissed those experiences out of hand.

Kendodd · 08/04/2022 08:50

Thinking about it, I think the most heads I've ever turn was walking down a high street with my one year old in a pushchair and my two year old walking along next to me dressed as a fairy pushing her own mini pushchair with her 'baby' in it. I think it might have been my two years old turning the heads though and putting a smile on people's faces.

MorrisZapp · 08/04/2022 08:52

This reminds me of all the young actors, pop stars etc who say in interviews 'older women are fab! I can't wait to be mature and have all that experience on my face' etc. Kate Winslet said it, among so many others.

You can't know until you get there. I mean it's OK to speculate but how can you have any idea how you'll feel about aging in advance? It ain't for sissies, as they say.

Suretobe · 08/04/2022 08:52

Op ‘invisible’ is not solely about being seen by men. It’s about many situations eg a younger woman not acknowledging the feelings of being invisible expressed by older women ;-)

carefullycourageous · 08/04/2022 08:53

@Suretobe

Op ‘invisible’ is not solely about being seen by men. It’s about many situations eg a younger woman not acknowledging the feelings of being invisible expressed by older women ;-)
Ponoka7 · 08/04/2022 08:59

When you are younger you think that men are nice. When you age you realise that a lot of men being nice to you was because they wanted to chat/be a saviour to, a young woman.
When I'd describe myself as invisible it's because the men around me and my DDs aren't being nice, they want to perve off women in their early 20's. Start to observe behaviour around you. If you watch reality programs watch how women over 40 are referred to as opposed to the men over 40.
Invisibility is about being seen, heard, valued, as said. It's a matter of luck if that happens.
30's is nothing my fuck buddies were 24-27 in my 30's. As for you thinking that 50 year old men want 50 year old women, you'll find out that they don't. In a lot of cases they're unjustifiably bitter and have a level of hatred towards us. I get noticed, I'm confident, but there's a level of sexism thrown at me in a different way and most men will join in, or rather not defend, even though we are told NAMDT. It's the 70 year old men telling them to pack it in with the nastiness.

AfterSchoolWorry · 08/04/2022 09:00

I'm on holiday in Spain. At dinner last night I got up to go to the toilet, a young woman also did the same, at the same time.

The waiter directed the young woman to the main bathrooms downstairs but led me by the arm to a disabled/accessible bathroom and stated that the bathroom downstairs was for the young ones, and I could have this disabled/accessible one.

I don't have any mobility issues.

I'M 52 !

I was with my 9 year old daughter!

I don't know how to feel!!!!😏

DressingPafe · 08/04/2022 09:03

Or having trouble getting served at a bar or being over looked in a queue in a coffee shop etc

Yep, I’ve had this too. One particular incident sticks in my head, not even a busy bar. Totally ignored by staff. Turns out the bar owner was sitting on a stool next to where I was standing. He noticed and actually apologised and bought the round I was getting. I think the staff also got a bit of a telling off. Nice of him but it shouldn’t have even happened.

I don’t give a crap if men fancy me or not. It’s not about that. It’s about still being treated respectfully.

allthegoodusernameshavegone · 08/04/2022 09:04

@Bagelsandbrie

I think you haven’t hit the age yet where you get “being invisible”. It’s not just about being sexually attractive, it’s about literally everyone overlooking you because they perceive you to be past it age wise and therefore (wrongly) believe your opinions etc and whole being aren’t important or valid anymore. That’s what it’s about and it sucks.
This.. it’s real
RampantIvy · 08/04/2022 09:05

I'm in my 50s, honestly, I have no idea what you're talking about. I don't think I get ignored in queues etc

Same here. I have never been considered attractive, so I haven't gone from feeling visible to feeling invisible. At 63 I have far more self confidence than I had at 23 or 33, and I think that comes across. I get served in shops, cafes, bars quite easily.

Goodyetalso · 08/04/2022 09:07

“ Yes this! If you walk in somewhere with your head held high and a big smile, people will notice you. Nice clothes, hair and makeup are important too. If you look confident, pulled together, happy, and, dare I say it, expensive…. People will notice you.”

Can you imagine anyone giving this advice to a man who had spent his 20s and 30s being regarded as attractive and successful? No. Because nobody stops thinking they’re important whether they’re smiling, looking expensive, have nice hair or not.

Autumn42 · 08/04/2022 09:11

@Bagelsandbrie

I think you haven’t hit the age yet where you get “being invisible”. It’s not just about being sexually attractive, it’s about literally everyone overlooking you because they perceive you to be past it age wise and therefore (wrongly) believe your opinions etc and whole being aren’t important or valid anymore. That’s what it’s about and it sucks.
Exactly this, if not at all about wanting guys half your age to find you attractive. Gosh absolutely not, they’re my son’s age! It’s about just as this says
Ponoka7 · 08/04/2022 09:12

"I saw a woman the other day who looked around 70, her face was lined but she had quite 'young' clothes and make up, she had such beautiful eyes and auburn hair"

I bet if you asked her she still been patronised, spoken down to and written off. Not just by people around her but health professionals as well. I was sick of hearing 'bless', 'aw' 'god love you' etc when attending appointments with my Mum. My mother remained sharp witted until the end, doing cryptic crosswords and answering every question on quiz shows. Yet I had to fight her corner to just be treated with dignity. My GF and older male relatives wasn't treated like that. We have to fight for pain relief, menopause treatments etc. The sexism/ageism all gets compounded as we age.
I think with women in our 50's even if we've been SAHM, we've had our own bank accounts and leisure time. We aren't like the Mum's of the men our own age, how dare we.

As for your other points, you're going to be hard pushed to find a 50 year old man who wouldn't want a GF late 20's/30's. They settle though. But you've got 20 years to learn this yet.

donquixotedelamancha · 08/04/2022 09:16

I agree with the PP, you're misunderstanding and thinking it's about attraction.

An awful lot of the posts across MN are about women feeling sad they are not as attractive anymore.

Not only irrelevant to my identity but deeply obsessive navel-gazing.

This. I've never been attractive, so have nothing to lose. I feel quite sorry for people for whom their looks are such a large part of their self worth.

(No judgement, I understand how much this idea is pushed by our culture)

CounsellorTroi · 08/04/2022 09:16

@Kendodd

I'm in my 50s, honestly, I have no idea what you're talking about. I don't think I get ignored in queues etc. I don't get on street harrassment much anymore but that's it.
I feel the same. Mind you I never got that much attention whenI was young and supposedly beautiful.
GlamorousHeifer · 08/04/2022 09:18

I am 38 so anything I say on this subject is a bit pointless as I am not quite there yet.....however, I plan on never being invisible!
If I speak, I expect to be listened to. I want to age into being one of those imposing women that walk in a room and command attention!
I hope that a bit of bloody mindedness on my part will be enough but I guess the next 10-15 years will be interesting.