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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu to be so upset about Dh's hair

220 replies

snowapril · 01/04/2022 23:34

DH has grown his hair down below his shoulders, it is very thin, dry, straggly, greying with loads of split ends and it accentuates the bald patch on top so is very unflattering. Until growing it out he has always had extremely short hair and couldnt even go 2 months without a trim. Personally I dont judge by appearance but it looks such poor condition and unkempt (despite daily washing which is likely making it worse) which other people are judging. We have 4 teenagers and I am also concerned that they are embarrassed about his appearance (more so than is usual for teens). I have tried to discuss it and he said if they werent bullied about this then it would be something else and that wouldnt make him change his hairstyle. There appears to be no compromise.

OP posts:
TheBeesKnee · 01/04/2022 23:35

Why has he done this?

IEatChocolateForBreakfast · 01/04/2022 23:36

Has he explained why he's growing it out? Sounds a bit odd at an older age to suddenly start wanting to grow his hair out and be seen with it in that condition

VoodooBadger · 01/04/2022 23:39

Well it works for Bill Bailey

HellToTheNope · 01/04/2022 23:44

He must look like a wild man. Gross.

vodkaredbullgirl · 01/04/2022 23:46

Oh dear

Original poster
snowapril · 01/04/2022 23:48

He just gets defensive but cant see how he can like it as it takes such a long time to wash each day and try to detangle and then it seems to irritate him. I can only think mid life crisis combined with the stress of restrictions of the last 2 years that he cant articulate. However I feel we have a responsibility as parents to consider our kids feelings.

OP posts:
Bunty55 · 01/04/2022 23:48

I don't know you obvs but if this were my bloke I would be telling him he looks awful and to do something about it now.

Original poster
snowapril · 01/04/2022 23:51

Bunty - Do you think he wants me to issue an ultimatum so he can get a divorce based on my being so shallow and "unreasonable"?

OP posts:
saltinesandcoffeecups · 01/04/2022 23:51

@Bunty55

I don't know you obvs but if this were my bloke I would be telling him he looks awful and to do something about it now.
So if yours told you, you were fat and look awful, you’d ‘do something about it now’?
LemonJuiceFromConcentrate · 01/04/2022 23:55

Ahh it’s so tricky because it’s totally unreasonable to police his hair and yet … it would bother me too.

It isn’t really about the hair though, is it? I mean, beyond the surface level it’s about what’s changed to make him do something that, regardless of your style preferences, looks objectively a bit like a deliberate statement of No Longer Giving a Fuck.

IEatChocolateForBreakfast · 01/04/2022 23:56

@Bunty55

I don't know you obvs but if this were my bloke I would be telling him he looks awful and to do something about it now.

I can only imagine the uproar on MN if this comment came from a bloke about his wife Confused

YoYoYoYoSup · 01/04/2022 23:57

@snowapril

Bunty - Do you think he wants me to issue an ultimatum so he can get a divorce based on my being so shallow and "unreasonable"?
Why would you jump to that assumption? Unless there's a backstory that you've been having marriage troubles already?
GettinPiggyWithIt · 01/04/2022 23:59

It’s an awful look but the lesson you teach your children about bodily autonomy is significant.

We all hate my husbands beard but my children need to accept that it’s his choice 🤷‍♀️

And if they started trying to change how I looked, there’s be murders!

Original poster
snowapril · 02/04/2022 00:04

Bunty - it was tongue in cheek, I think, but it does sometimes make me wonder if he is having a hidden breakdown or wants a new life. I honestly have no idea, it is so unexpected as has always had such neat hair!!

OP posts:
AlwaysLatte · 02/04/2022 00:09

Watch out for the motorbike on the drive.

Original poster
snowapril · 02/04/2022 00:09

I do agree about the bodily autonomy message and would never have believed I would be posting this concern as I never believed we would need to conform for anyone and never really judged on appearances. However this is just so extreme it doesnt seem fair on the kids if he looks homeless. Even worse has been a couple of times when someone has seen the long hair at a glimpse and presumed female and said hello love or such and then got really embarrassed when got closer.

OP posts:
Grandville · 02/04/2022 00:11

Trying to think what an equivalent would be for a husband to tell a wife. Weight doesn't work as that takes time to fix and is often rooted in other issues. Maybe growing out obvious facial hair when she used to get rid of it? Or starting to wear PJs in public? I'd be sympathetic to a husband who was unhappy with those things.

DysmalRadius · 02/04/2022 00:16

@snowapril

He just gets defensive but cant see how he can like it as it takes such a long time to wash each day and try to detangle and then it seems to irritate him. I can only think mid life crisis combined with the stress of restrictions of the last 2 years that he cant articulate. However I feel we have a responsibility as parents to consider our kids feelings.
Why is it taking him so long to wash and dry? And it sounds like your are using the kids' feelings as an excuse when you are actually quite negative about it as well. How often do the teenagers' friends see him that it is causing a problem? It just seems like a really strong reaction to something relatively minor.
notacooldad · 02/04/2022 00:20

Well it works for Bill Bailey
It doesnt though.

Scbchl · 02/04/2022 00:22

I'm sure I have read this, have you posted before?

EmmaH2022 · 02/04/2022 00:24

Why would it take a long time to wash? It's not like it's waist length.
I'd not say anything. Bodily autonomy etc.

If people pick at kids for their dad's hair, they'll just pick on something else if the hair changes.

EmmaH2022 · 02/04/2022 00:24

@notacooldad

Well it works for Bill Bailey It doesnt though.
If he likes it, it's working.
Original poster
snowapril · 02/04/2022 00:28

I dont understand his liking it and feel he is pulling it out of the way all day and irritated by it. However i would never have raised it if it werent for the kids views and embarrassement of people thinking he were female.

Is it minor? Some people I know are so shocked if they havent seen him in lockdown as they totally cant recognize him and keep asking about it.

Teenagers friends would see him at sporting events, pick up/drop off for clubs, here for sleepovers and to play and now school events are back on too plus some call everyday enroute to school. It is more school events where it is more of a concern as non friends are there.

OP posts:
TeaMilkAnd2Sugars · 02/04/2022 00:29

Has he said why the sudden change from short well kept hair to.. this?

Bunty55 · 02/04/2022 00:29

@snowapril

Bunty - it was tongue in cheek, I think, but it does sometimes make me wonder if he is having a hidden breakdown or wants a new life. I honestly have no idea, it is so unexpected as has always had such neat hair!!
The thing is OP.. I love my bloke. If he looked awful I would tell him so because I love him. If people were staring because he looked bad I would want to help him and if it meant being truthful and harsh I would not hesitate.

As I said I do not know you. Sometimes you have to be a little cruel to be kind.
I would hope he would be the same with me

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