Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu to be so upset about Dh's hair

220 replies

snowapril · 01/04/2022 23:34

DH has grown his hair down below his shoulders, it is very thin, dry, straggly, greying with loads of split ends and it accentuates the bald patch on top so is very unflattering. Until growing it out he has always had extremely short hair and couldnt even go 2 months without a trim. Personally I dont judge by appearance but it looks such poor condition and unkempt (despite daily washing which is likely making it worse) which other people are judging. We have 4 teenagers and I am also concerned that they are embarrassed about his appearance (more so than is usual for teens). I have tried to discuss it and he said if they werent bullied about this then it would be something else and that wouldnt make him change his hairstyle. There appears to be no compromise.

OP posts:
oakleaffy · 02/04/2022 00:29

Depression?
Shaven hair is the only way to go if you are going bald.

Original poster
snowapril · 02/04/2022 00:32

Scbhi -If you are asking me I have never posted before.

Emma/Dysmal - It is long, wavy, matted and has several conditions and then detangling brush from what i see. seems a long time to me compared to my hairwashes.

OP posts:
MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 02/04/2022 00:32

@Bunty55

I don't know you obvs but if this were my bloke I would be telling him he looks awful and to do something about it now.
And you would be fine for your bloke to tell you you were a bit of a porker with bad skin?
EmmaH2022 · 02/04/2022 00:33

Is it irritating him or is it that you find it irritating watching him fiddle with it? I used to fiddle with my hair and stopped doing it at work as I realised I was probably annoying if I was in anyone's eyeline.

I don't see it as a big deal at all. I think if you get married, you accept that there will be thousands of small changes to a person over time.

Babyfg · 02/04/2022 00:34

If he wants long hair you're not going to change his mind, and tbh I would feel uncomfortable forcing him to cut it if he really wants it. My husband every so often (about once a year or two) shaves his hair off grade 1. It looks awful, he looks ten years older and like a thug. I tell him I prefer his hair cut by the barber and leave him to it. It's his hair at the end of the day.

Tell him how to manage it would be my strategy. He prob doesn't know how to look after it as he's always had short hair.

Buy him some conditioner, recommend getting it trimmed and leave him to it until the novelty wears off or he has healthy longer hair.

Original poster
snowapril · 02/04/2022 00:34

he has given no explanation and is not able to say why the change

OP posts:
EmmaH2022 · 02/04/2022 00:35

X post
He does several conditions?
Sounds like it's become a calming or comforting thing. Like men who oil their beards.

EmmaH2022 · 02/04/2022 00:36

@snowapril

he has given no explanation and is not able to say why the change
Because he feels like it?
Walkingalot · 02/04/2022 00:36

Long hair on an older man is not an attractive look. Maybe he is deliberately making himself look bad for some reason?
At least it's better than him suddenly buying a new wardrobe and being secretive on his phone Hmm

episcomama · 02/04/2022 00:37

I have lots of sympathy but no answers, I'm afraid. Long hair on men turns my stomach a bit to be honest (regardless of its color or condition) and nothing would make my vagina seal itself closed faster than my husband growing his hair.

Sorry, not much help to you - just solidarity.

Original poster
snowapril · 02/04/2022 00:45

For those saying because he feels like it - it is just so out of character as for 30 years he would have it cut every 6-8 weeks and hated it being even slightly out of neat tidy style. I never expected such a transformation. I expected aging, putting on weight, ill health, wrinkes, baldness etc etc of course. Now it seems that the hair annoys him as he is constantly tucking it behind his ears and it seems in the way for so many activities but he never ties it back.

No idea how he should manage it if he wont get split ends trimmed as presume it will just get worse and worse. Cant see it is the type of conditioner!

OP posts:
Mrmojorising71 · 02/04/2022 00:46

If that's how he wants his hair that's how he wants it, I've never said this on here before but reverse the sexes and there would be hell to pay.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 02/04/2022 00:49

Does he feel that his barber might judge him for letting his hair get so unkempt ?

Does he have dandruff? Psoriasis ? Flakey scalp ?
Maybe puts him off going ?

Straggly split balding grey hair on a middle aged man isn't a look I'd want for my DH .

Keep him away from any ideas about headbands .
Might work for Jack Grealish , ....... probaby not for your DH

GiantHaystacks2021 · 02/04/2022 00:50

There was a post about this before. Was that you?

I remember one of the replies to that OP was from some poor woman whose DH did the same.
She was beside herself.
This guy had grown his hair so that it was long, straggly, grey and with a very noticeable bald patch.
He loved it. Thought there was no-one like himself.

Someone filmed a birthday party and he was in it, looking like an unattractive remnant from a 1970s circus.
Long, straggly hair and bald pate - all on show in the recording.
It looked particularly bad from the back, in the home movie.

He saw the video and all that hobo hair was gone that day.

DailySheetWasher · 02/04/2022 00:51

I don't think there much you can do other than express your own thoughts about how it looks and act in accordance with how unattracted/embarrassed you are.

Arguing that we all need to keep ourselves looking nice so we don't embarrass our teenagers is a bit of a reach though!

AWombleScorned · 02/04/2022 00:54

You keep going on about your kids when you’ve given no indication that it affects their life at all. You don’t like how it looks, just say that

Kennykenkencat · 02/04/2022 00:58

@EmmaH2022

Why would it take a long time to wash? It's not like it's waist length. I'd not say anything. Bodily autonomy etc.

If people pick at kids for their dad's hair, they'll just pick on something else if the hair changes.

Seen this argument so many times. If it isn’t one thing it will be another. It goes along with, You can’t run away from your problems.

If you paint a target on your child’s back then bullies will target your child.

And if the people around you are the problem then running away will get rid of your problems.

Nancydrawn · 02/04/2022 01:03

If your husband got arsey with you because you had cut your hair short and he found it unflattering, everyone would, rightly, tell you he was being a dick.

You are, I'm afraid, being a dick.

Let the man grow his hair. It isn't hurting his health or endangering anybody. If. you can't bring yourself to look past his hair (hair! clean, well-kept but unflattering hair!), the problem is you, not him.

EmmaH2022 · 02/04/2022 01:05

Ken - sorry, I don't know what you're getting at. You think he should cut it?

I remember having the piss taken when mum came to a school play. The beige trousers and big glasses seemed to set some kids off.

It was just something I had to deal with. I suppose some kids would say "oh mum, you're embarrassing" but I'd be interested to know if posters think she should have made changes.

TheOriginalEmu · 02/04/2022 01:05

You say you don’t judge, but you are, at least own it.
It’s his hair, it’s his choice. You can say you don’t like it, but ultimately it’s not your decision.

metalkprettyoneday · 02/04/2022 01:12

I sympathise . Pre covid my partner would have short hair and drive into the office. Since deciding to work entirely from home he’s let his hair grow and I hate how it looks from the back as it’s a very large bald area with a circle of greying hair that he has cut himself , not layered. Kind of like a monk . I say h Red should get it shorter but he hates this rule that all balding men should shave it all off. Also he says it would make him look like a potato and his ears look big. It’s true that from the front he looks better with the hair. I hate the back and tell him it doesn’t look good- just like I want him to tell me when my roots need doing from the back. We can’t really tell another person how to have their hair but can say it doesn’t look good. I felt the same when he thought it would be fun to grow a moustache .

Kennykenkencat · 02/04/2022 01:14

.EmmaH2022

If the Dh hadn’t grown his hair or your mum hadn’t come to school in beige trousers and big glasses would anyone have said anything
Yes I do think he should cut his hair.
Whilst I am all for bodily autonomy I do think if you have children then you need to be aware of their feelings above your own.

impossible · 02/04/2022 01:18

Could you catch him in a photo, preferably from above (and from the back), perhaps at a family meal.

If he can see it in reality he might not like it so much, or if he still likes it at least he's seeing the full truth of it.

urbanbuddha · 02/04/2022 01:26

Can one of the teenagers just buy him a pack of hair elastics and say "Dad you have to wear one when you pick me up."

steff13 · 02/04/2022 01:29

I wouldn't care about him growing it long, even if I preferred it short. But, I can't stand to see long hair that isn't well maintained. My hair is long, to the bottom of my bra band, but I have it trimmed religiously every 6 weeks to keep it from getting splt ends. Would he be willing to do that?