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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu to be so upset about Dh's hair

220 replies

snowapril · 01/04/2022 23:34

DH has grown his hair down below his shoulders, it is very thin, dry, straggly, greying with loads of split ends and it accentuates the bald patch on top so is very unflattering. Until growing it out he has always had extremely short hair and couldnt even go 2 months without a trim. Personally I dont judge by appearance but it looks such poor condition and unkempt (despite daily washing which is likely making it worse) which other people are judging. We have 4 teenagers and I am also concerned that they are embarrassed about his appearance (more so than is usual for teens). I have tried to discuss it and he said if they werent bullied about this then it would be something else and that wouldnt make him change his hairstyle. There appears to be no compromise.

OP posts:
EmmaH2022 · 02/04/2022 01:29

@Kennykenkencat

.EmmaH2022

If the Dh hadn’t grown his hair or your mum hadn’t come to school in beige trousers and big glasses would anyone have said anything
Yes I do think he should cut his hair.
Whilst I am all for bodily autonomy I do think if you have children then you need to be aware of their feelings above your own.

But that's how mum dressed at the time

You expect people to change how they look for their kids?

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 02/04/2022 01:35

Does he work?
Has it been mentioned there ?

Some jobs have a dress code or safety issues if his hair is flapping about .
Hygiene issues too if there's a food , should be tied /covered

MrsPetty · 02/04/2022 01:35

My husband grew his out during covid. He’d always had it very short. He’s had it trimmed a couple of times since. He’s struggled to manage it but I say kudos to him. He’s 64 next month - the fact he has hair and hardly a grey hair is to be celebrated 💕 I really like it though and he values my opinion. I think if I didn’t he’d at least talk to me about it. Maybe OP it’s more his refusal to discuss why he suddenly wants his hair to be long as well as the style that’s the issue…

aibu to be so upset about Dh's hair
AWombleScorned · 02/04/2022 01:37

@MrsPetty

My husband grew his out during covid. He’d always had it very short. He’s had it trimmed a couple of times since. He’s struggled to manage it but I say kudos to him. He’s 64 next month - the fact he has hair and hardly a grey hair is to be celebrated 💕 I really like it though and he values my opinion. I think if I didn’t he’d at least talk to me about it. Maybe OP it’s more his refusal to discuss why he suddenly wants his hair to be long as well as the style that’s the issue…
😬
Fraaahnces · 02/04/2022 01:43

I say work with it. Buy him some pretty butterfly clips to keep it out of the way. Maybe a scrunchie to tie it up. He’ll get over it if he doesn’t get the reaction he’s hoping for.

yzed · 02/04/2022 01:52

From what you say, this is your husband's last opportunity to test out a different hairstyle. Perhaps he was too straitlaced to try it before, or only thought of it during lockdown when he couldn't get to the barber? Anyway I'd say you should let him have his moment/week/year/decade. It's his life and his hair. And if those four teenagers don't do things to upset/embarrass DH (and you) far more than long thin hair, then there's something wrong in your house.
Meanwhile, maybe you could buy him a bottle of E40 shampoo, or Aussie shampoo, to help with its condition?

Notarealmum · 02/04/2022 01:57

OP, we need to see a pic (concealed face, of course) before we can judge if you’re being unreasonable or not 😀

Momijin · 02/04/2022 02:18

Teenagers are usually embarrassed by most parents. It is up to him to have his hair like he likes it. You are allowed to not find it attractive.

Cannedlaughter · 02/04/2022 02:20

It's more than a hairstyle and autonomy.
What you're saying is that you feel this may be a reflection on his mental health.
May be you could talk to him about that.
Has anything else changed about him?
The arritude of not caring about his appearance when he once did is quite telling.

RustyShackleford3 · 02/04/2022 02:23

Have you spoken to him about his hair? What has he said?

Obviously it is his own choice and you can't demand he changes it, but I do think it's perfectly reasonable for his wife to be curious/surprised by this and ask questions.

SarahBellam · 02/04/2022 02:24

“I’ve grown my hair out over lockdown but my husband hates it and keeps telling me I’m embarrassing him and the kids.”

If you posted that on Mumsnet you’d rightly have your arse handed to you on a plate. Make the assumption that he likes it long and he’s going to continue to have it long, and look for ways to support it - e.g, decent conditioner, bit of split end removal, bit of mousse, so at least he’ll look more like Cindy Crawford than Worzel Gummidge.

SweetpeasforEasterfeast · 02/04/2022 02:31

@MrsPetty
Long hair really suits your DH!

mjf981 · 02/04/2022 02:33

I remember before Caitlyn Jenner transitioned, the first 'sign' of something was her growing out her hair. It looked so unusual, and bad, as it was thin and straggly. Not saying your husband feels the same way, but your post made my think of that!

bridgetreilly · 02/04/2022 03:17

It’s his hair. No one else gets a say. YABU.

nightfairy · 02/04/2022 03:23

Don't tell me he has witchy hair! You must insist he gets a neat silky bob.

MrsPetty · 02/04/2022 03:27

@SweetpeasforEasterfeast Thank you. It’s shocked so many people! Including him 😂

1forAll74 · 02/04/2022 03:30

My son has longish hair, he is 50 now. he does tie it back mostly though. He used to be a biker years ago, but had a very bad accident on his motorbike, caused by someone else, the accident left him paralysed from the chest down, He is quite ok now, and he drives and travels a lot in his car, and also now has a harley davidson trike, which is adapted for his condition, he can sling his wheelchair on the back. I think he still feels like a biker with his longish hair and zany ways. ! I don't mind the longish hair, I am used to seeing it, and nobody else is bothered about it.

mintfuschia · 02/04/2022 03:37

@mjf981

I remember before Caitlyn Jenner transitioned, the first 'sign' of something was her growing out her hair. It looked so unusual, and bad, as it was thin and straggly. Not saying your husband feels the same way, but your post made my think of that!
I wondered if it might be that. Are there times he's home alone when he might be experimenting?
MushroomHunter · 02/04/2022 04:02

Sounds to me like he’s having a midlife crisis or he’s doing a Bruce Jenner?

mathanxiety · 02/04/2022 04:03

@mjf991, Yes, that's exactly what I was thinking.

OP, how does your H respond to people treating him as a female?

Indicatrice · 02/04/2022 04:35

Is he depressed? Does he no longer like to be touched? He may not like the idea of anyone touching his hair, even just to cut it.

ClaryFairchild · 02/04/2022 05:31

Does he honestly know what it looks like? Has he seen from any other angle apart from directly in front of the mirror?

SweetpeasforEasterfeast · 02/04/2022 05:37

@1forAll74
Your DS sound like an amazing man to carry on enjoying life and growing out his hair.Flowers

WomanStanleyWoman · 02/04/2022 06:19

It’s going off the point, but why are so many people using the awful American expression ‘growing out his hair’? Growing it ‘out’ of what? Out of his head? Isn’t that where everyone’s hair grows from? He’s just growing it!!

Poppypip1 · 02/04/2022 06:26

Sorry I think you're being very unreasonable to be upset by your husbands hair. It's hair, it's so minor in the great scheme of things why on earth does it bother you so much?
I think there's more going on here for both of you and the hairs a distraction/ scape goat for actual problems.
If you're bothered about other peoples opinions about his hair then wouldn't you just roll your eyes or laugh it off and say he likes it 🤷🏻‍♀️ You don't have to like it or understand why he likes it for him to be "allowed" to have it that way. I don't buy the kids being embarrassed as an excuse either, if they are that's between them and their Dad it's not really any of your business.
As for the "people mistaking him for female" worry I mean are you serious?! Why on earth does that bother you so much?!
I honestly think there are other issues going on here within your marriage and the hair isn't really the problem.

If you wanted your hair short and he hated it would you not cut it? You're entitled to your opinion / preference but that's where it ends, you can't really have control over what someone else wants to do with the hair/body. You're saying you think it might be some sort of midlife crisis but you seem to think judging his appearance and guilting him into changing it is the answer (that would just make me feel worthless)

The fact you mentioned if it was him looking for a reason for divorce speaks volumes there's obviously problems in your marriage if you're thinking along them lines, id concentrate less on the hair and more on that.

Im not trying to be harsh just trying to give you a different perspective, I do get your frustration and you absolutely don't have to like his hair or any other appearance choices but surely we commit to someone for them as a whole not a hairstyle.