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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

aibu to be so upset about Dh's hair

220 replies

snowapril · 01/04/2022 23:34

DH has grown his hair down below his shoulders, it is very thin, dry, straggly, greying with loads of split ends and it accentuates the bald patch on top so is very unflattering. Until growing it out he has always had extremely short hair and couldnt even go 2 months without a trim. Personally I dont judge by appearance but it looks such poor condition and unkempt (despite daily washing which is likely making it worse) which other people are judging. We have 4 teenagers and I am also concerned that they are embarrassed about his appearance (more so than is usual for teens). I have tried to discuss it and he said if they werent bullied about this then it would be something else and that wouldnt make him change his hairstyle. There appears to be no compromise.

OP posts:

ImAvingOops · 02/04/2022 13:51

He can have bodily autonomy. But he'll also have a wife who is not sexually attracted to him. If he chooses to long hair over being attractive to his wife, that's a problem.

Elsiebear90 · 02/04/2022 14:02

I must be in the minority here, but if you have a partner and make a sudden drastic change in appearance you don’t really have a leg to stand on imo if your partner isn’t happy and doesn’t find you attractive anymore. If I suddenly shaved all my hair off or covered my self in tattoos I couldn’t complain when my partner finds me less attractive.

It’s his choice to grow his hair out and leave it looking awful, but he has to accept that you’re going to be less attracted to him as a result and this will affect your relationship.

Staffy1 · 02/04/2022 14:09

Well it’s his hair. Would it be ok for him to ask you to change your hair?

MrsPetty · 02/04/2022 14:13

@AlternativelyWired Thank you. I think it really suits him. He’s so lucky he’s not bald and grey 😂 I encouraged him to flaunt the fact.

MrsLargeEmbodied · 02/04/2022 14:32

is he depressed?

Sarah3gremlins · 02/04/2022 14:59

@stormswiftlysweetafton

stormswiftlysweetafton

Actually long hair on men is just as “culturally” acceptable as no makeup and short hair for women. Some people will judge both as “a certain type of person” and think it “sends a negative message” (lol) - these people are absurd. If you really think nobody judges women for having short hair (unfeminine/doesn’t care) or no make up (same) you’ve lived a charmed life but sadly they do.

Your post just reads as though you want to judge men but not have the same leveled at you by them.

Often on Mumsnet there’s an attempt to dismiss the argument that reactions would be very different with the gender reversed by saying it’s totally different. Occasionally that’s valid but often its just a flimsy excuse for wanting to be judgemental but not wanting to be judged. I hate to say it but your post reads like the latter since according to you anything women look like is culturally acceptable but there’s strict cultural rules for men’s hair - it also really doesn’t jive with reality, where sadly women are judged for short hair and makeup or lack of it, quite possibly more so than men who have long hair.

HandelMaiden · 02/04/2022 15:37

This whole coment threat is crazy! Your allowed not to like your husbands long hair but ffs people, it's just long hair! Anyone would think he had a 3 foot purple mohawk. Look around, there's plenty of men with long hair, even balding men or old men. My boss (who is very succesfull and not some social outcast) has long, balding greying hair in a pony tail and while I'm sure he gets some hippy jokes (actually he surfs) nobody thinks he's either having a breakdown, an affair or transitioning to a woman.

Seriously there's a lot of men with long hair, do the posters who asked if he was transitioning or cross dressing question this about all of them lol?

Also Bill Bailey is an ageing, pot bellied, bug eyed, plain looking man. Having neat short hair wouldn't somehow make him good looking. If Brad Pitt had long greying hair with a bald patch he would still be good looking. Sorry Bill Bailey if your reading, but on the plus side your recognition on Mumsnet is apparently higher than Chris Rocks.

oviraptor21 · 02/04/2022 17:29

@ImAvingOops

He can have bodily autonomy. But he'll also have a wife who is not sexually attracted to him. If he chooses to long hair over being attractive to his wife, that's a problem.

I chose long hair over being attractive to my husband. Does that make me a problem?

ImAvingOops · 02/04/2022 17:54

Well yes, it is a problem for your marriage. Most people want to be attractive to their spouse and consider attraction to be an important element to the relationship

Floydthebarber · 02/04/2022 18:14

As the OP has said he can't explain why he has done it, or even that he seems to not be that fond of it long, it just 'is', then it would make me concerned as well. Letting go of physical appearances is often a visible sign of depression. Many, many years ago dh grew sideburns, think 70s Noddy Holder. They looked awful, really awful but it was almost something that he had a control over when the depression he had was making him lose control of the rest of his life. When he felt better he got rid of them without another mention of it.

user1471562482 · 02/04/2022 18:56

Jeez. It's teenagers' role to find their parents embarrassing. I've had hair at wildly varying lengths and colours throughout a 20 year relationship. My other half has never tried to influence my choice and I would consider it controlling if they did. Likewise comments from the kids get zero weight.

mathanxiety · 02/04/2022 21:46

I agree with you, @TinselAngel.

I didn't realise what it was all about when exH started shaving all of his body hair and also the remaining hair off his head. It turned out that he was drawn to a specific part of gay subculture.

TheOriginalEmu · 02/04/2022 22:41

@ImAvingOops

He can have bodily autonomy. But he'll also have a wife who is not sexually attracted to him. If he chooses to long hair over being attractive to his wife, that's a problem.

I’d argue that if his wife is so shallow that she changes her entire attraction to her husband over his choice of haircut…she is the problem.

PiperPosey · 02/04/2022 23:18

My friend's husband was drunk and making a complete ass out of himself.

I said, "Aren't you embarrassed that George is acting like that?"

Her response was, "Why would I be embarrassed? He's the one making a complete fool of himself."

Same with the hair thing. It's his hair.

ImAvingOops · 02/04/2022 23:37

Emu, you can't choose attraction. It's either there or it isn't. It's possible to love a person and not fancy them!

I think most people would choose to be attractive to their partner

ImAvingOops · 02/04/2022 23:38

Sorry, pressed post before finishing that. Most people would choose to be attractive to their partner when the difference is something as straightforward as a hair cut

Gingernaut · 02/04/2022 23:43

He sounds like from Little Britain....

Beefcurtains79 · 03/04/2022 09:48

This is awful: “ I have tried to discuss it and he said if they werent bullied about this then it would be something else and that wouldnt make him change his hairstyle. There appears to be no compromise.”

God I’d do anything to make my kids life at school easier, he sounds really selfish.
Have you asked him why it takes him so long to wash? Weird.

Original poster

snowapril · 03/04/2022 10:00

Yes I feel the same, I would do anything to make my kids lives easier. It is not right but it is a fact that they can be mean about appearances. Most things cant be easily changed but this feels like something that could even just by a trim not necessarily short hair.

OP posts:

Gowithme · 03/04/2022 10:07

Could it be that he's embarrassed to go to the barbers? Or thinks it's a waste of money? Would he let you just shave it all off with clippers? You can pick some Babyliss ones up from amazon for 15 of 20 quid I think.

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