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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu to be so upset about Dh's hair

220 replies

snowapril · 01/04/2022 23:34

DH has grown his hair down below his shoulders, it is very thin, dry, straggly, greying with loads of split ends and it accentuates the bald patch on top so is very unflattering. Until growing it out he has always had extremely short hair and couldnt even go 2 months without a trim. Personally I dont judge by appearance but it looks such poor condition and unkempt (despite daily washing which is likely making it worse) which other people are judging. We have 4 teenagers and I am also concerned that they are embarrassed about his appearance (more so than is usual for teens). I have tried to discuss it and he said if they werent bullied about this then it would be something else and that wouldnt make him change his hairstyle. There appears to be no compromise.

OP posts:
balalake · 02/04/2022 07:52

Valid to be concerned as to why and if it is a sign of something else. If as others have said things such as personal hygiene are all good, suggest you put up with it.

Thesefeetaremadeforwalking · 02/04/2022 07:53

@WonderfulYou

I’ve not RTFT so not sure if it’s been mentioned and I don’t want to be one of those OTT posters but this is happened on the show ‘keeping up with the kardashians’ - they couldn’t understand why he grew his hair long and a couple of years later he came out as transgender.
I’m not saying this is definitely happening but it could be - I’d look for painted toe nails or make up and clothes being moved around.

^ this happened to a friend of mine.
First it was the long hair, then the cross-dressing, then finally he came out as transgender.
He was 60+ at the time.
(They are now divorced)

SmallPrawnEnergy · 02/04/2022 07:53

We have 4 teenagers and I am also concerned that they are embarrassed
However I feel we have a responsibility as parents to consider our kids feelings.
Not nit picking but your wording implies that your just concerned the kids are embarrassed and haven’t actually said anything. Have the kids really said something or are they projecting? Again, shouldn’t you just be teaching them bodily autonomy and not to be nasty about people’s appearance?

The change in routine / sudden change is the thing to focus on. As other PPs have said, any other changes could point to depression or

SmallPrawnEnergy · 02/04/2022 07:54

That meant to read are YOU projecting not are they.

Hello606 · 02/04/2022 07:54

It’s just hair! Leave him be

Catshaveiteasy · 02/04/2022 07:54

Its odd sudden choice to make and I'd hate it too (I rarely ever like long hair on men unless they achieve a cool rock star look - Bill Bailey's makes me cringe). Also seems strange he can't at least explain why he has done this? Is he depressed, angry? Is it self sabotage?

He must be washing it too much / using too much conditioner / have some condition if it always looks awful though.

But short of turning into Delilah (from the bible) you can't force him to cut it.

As for the teens, they could be embarrassed just by having a parent show up. My teen refuses to go anywhere with me where she thinks we might be seen by someone she knows. It's not because of how I look, just that she thinks she wouldn't look cool if she was seen with me.

Could you approach it from a different angle - is something bothering him type of thing?

susiebluebell · 02/04/2022 07:56

My partner grew his hair out in the first lockdown. At first it was quite nice as it went naturally into curls and suited his face. But then he let it keep growing, didn't trim it, washed it without conditioner, and it turned into a straggly, wispy mess that made him look twice his age and was a genuine turn-off! I did gently say things several times, but it took going for a new job to get it cut short again. And he got such a confidence boost from looking young and handsome again, which I don't think he'd realised he was missing!

For those saying women wouldn't want the tables turned, yes I personally would! If it was something I could change quickly (a haircut, an outfit) that my partner thought didn't suit me to that extent, then yes I would want to know - I'd be upset if he thought I looked silly and didn't tell me in order to protect my feelings.

Weight isn't a fair comparison as it takes time to put on/lose and is an extremely emotive and loaded subject in our society.

WishIwasElsa · 02/04/2022 07:56

How long is it that's its matted and tangled!

fluffythedragonslayer · 02/04/2022 07:58

Why is it so awful and embarrassing that he gets briefly mistaken for a woman?!

SpringHasSprungYay · 02/04/2022 08:01

Start growing your armpit hair / pubes/ leg hair / tashe & see if he comments?

MuggleMadness · 02/04/2022 08:01

@urbanbuddha

Can one of the teenagers just buy him a pack of hair elastics and say "Dad you have to wear one when you pick me up."
That teenager would be told to stop being so rude & to get themselves places!
AlternativelyWired · 02/04/2022 08:02

@MrsPetty your DH looks like a super cool rock star.

I like long hair on men. There's a lad at the skate park and I covet his strawberry blond locks. It really suits him and sits perfectly straight whereas mine insists on being wavy and unruly. As a rock chick I envied the lads their lovely hair that needed no tending.

@snowapril it's his hair. I know what you mean about it but it's his hair and his choice. Long hair and bald spots aren't great but 🤷🏼‍♀️

SpringHasSprungYay · 02/04/2022 08:03

@snowapril

For those saying because he feels like it - it is just so out of character as for 30 years he would have it cut every 6-8 weeks and hated it being even slightly out of neat tidy style. I never expected such a transformation. I expected aging, putting on weight, ill health, wrinkes, baldness etc etc of course. Now it seems that the hair annoys him as he is constantly tucking it behind his ears and it seems in the way for so many activities but he never ties it back.

No idea how he should manage it if he wont get split ends trimmed as presume it will just get worse and worse. Cant see it is the type of conditioner!

Just ignore it & he'll probably chop it eventually?
alphabetsoup1980 · 02/04/2022 08:03

She was joking 😅😅😅😅

nopenotplaying · 02/04/2022 08:03

@mjf981

I remember before Caitlyn Jenner transitioned, the first 'sign' of something was her growing out her hair. It looked so unusual, and bad, as it was thin and straggly. Not saying your husband feels the same way, but your post made my think of that!
I wasn't going to say this!
AllThingsServeTheBeam · 02/04/2022 08:05

What an awful thread

DrDetriment · 02/04/2022 08:10

@MrsPetty he looks great!

CaliforniaDrumming · 02/04/2022 08:15

My own DH is now full time WFH and has become extremely scruffy..Holey faded tshirts, sweatpants, unshaven... though he still gets his hair cut. I brought it up a few times and it wasn't received well, so I backed off. DS might be embarassed by him but he doesn't pick him up from school or anything.
I dont think there is much you can do except seethe quietly.

SamphiretheStickerist · 02/04/2022 08:17

@SpringHasSprungYay

Start growing your armpit hair / pubes/ leg hair / tashe & see if he comments?
Jesus wept! Have we really clung on to the 1950s for this long?
Iggly · 02/04/2022 08:18

It’s his hair.

If his teenagers get embarrassed they’ll certainly let him know.

Fuck it, life is too short!

Juniper68 · 02/04/2022 08:19

@impossible

Could you catch him in a photo, preferably from above (and from the back), perhaps at a family meal.

If he can see it in reality he might not like it so much, or if he still likes it at least he's seeing the full truth of it.

You said what I thought too.
Shehasadiamondinthesky · 02/04/2022 08:21

What you need is to invite a very good looking female friend round and get them to shriek "look at the state of your hair, are you Bill Bailey now" then start laughing hysterically. Guaranteed he,ll be off to the hairdresser the next day.

Juniper68 · 02/04/2022 08:24

I never thought about the cross dressing good point.

AngelinaFibres · 02/04/2022 08:25

@VoodooBadger

Well it works for Bill Bailey
It really doesn't though. He looks like a creep who happens to be on the tv.
Hollywolly1 · 02/04/2022 08:25

Do you think he could be having an affair with a younger hippy type and he's trying to make himself look cool or possibly has his eye on someone.In his work place can you think of any girls like this.I assume he's 50 ish age and men can get ideas and a bit restless or maybe want to feel that younger buzz again.I would think affair or trying to start something is likely

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