aibu to be so upset about Dh's hair

[snowapril]

DH has grown his hair down below his shoulders, it is very thin, dry, straggly, greying with loads of split ends and it accentuates the bald patch on top so is very unflattering. Until growing it out he has always had extremely short hair and couldnt even go 2 months without a trim. Personally I dont judge by appearance but it looks such poor condition and unkempt (despite daily washing which is likely making it worse) which other people are judging. We have 4 teenagers and I am also concerned that they are embarrassed about his appearance (more so than is usual for teens). I have tried to discuss it and he said if they werent bullied about this then it would be something else and that wouldnt make him change his hairstyle. There appears to be no compromise.

Hmmm, like, it’s his hair. He’s a grown up. He should be allowed to do with it what he wants.

If you are your teens, or other friends, are embarrassed by it that’s your problem really, not his.
In fact you should be teaching your teens not to shame people for their appearance. Am pretty sure they wouldn’t appreciate it if their choices or appearance were being criticised..

If he had completely let himself go and obviously had bigger MH issues - that would be a different story

If he's balding in spots he's probably making the most of it before it goes, however if this was flipped and for example the woman had short hair and hubby wanted it long I'm pretty sure someone would have called controlling abuse by now. If he is going to have it long could you give him a Pamper session and teach him how to care for it ?

There must be a reason for it.
It sounds like he is trying to prove a point in some way, although what point I have no idea.
It sounds like a psychological thing to me.

@Bunty55

I don't know you obvs but if this were my bloke I would be telling him he looks awful and to do something about it now.

Didn’t go down well with the woman on here whose partner told her that her makeup was way too much and awful..

It's probably a reaction to lockdown. I've seen similar in loads of men I know. Either growing straggly thin greying hair long or huge bushy unkempt beards. Even Tony Blair did it until he was mocked in the media as Gandalf.
Just as many women couldn't wait to get a hairdresser's or beauty therapist appointment sad soon as restrictions lifted, many men went the other way and thought 'I can't be arsed with this anymore.'

Can’t say I blame you, OP.
If my dh (getting on a bit and largely bald with a grey ‘fringe’). started want to resemble a sad, ageing old hippie, I’d tell him Ok, but don’t expect me to be seen with you anywhere.

And in the interests of equality, if I started dressing like I did when decades younger and considerably slimmer (miniskirts with the accent very much on the mini) I’d expect him to tell me the same.

Is he balding or bald? Would he consider hair loss treatment like finestride supplements and regaine mousse, IF his goal is to grow his hair out? And would he consider trimming it to make it neater while his hair grows out if you pitched it to him like that?

Don’t understand why he won’t have the split ends trimmed

He can do what he wants with his hair, but my concern would be the reason he’s doing this. Is he depressed? Embarrassed about his bald patch? Did his barber say something as a joke which upset him?

If it genuinely looks bad, surely he’d appreciate your input? When I drastically changed my hairstyle, I asked my then DH what he thought. I also asked others. Sometimes it’s hard to make an objective judgement about how something looks on you.

To me, it sounds like he can’t be bothered and is maybe down about something.

Also, I meant to say that it’s how you approach it - ie try to frame a better haircut as a positive thing, rather than a “God, your hair looks awful. When are you going to sort it?”

When my DH lets his hair grow longer he bears an uncanny and unfortunate resemblance to Jimmy Savile (minus the tinted glasses and cigar) so I completely get the strong feeling against certain hair styles on others.

Luckily my DH doesn’t want to be mistaken for JS, so I only have to say “you’re starting to look a bit creepy sex pest, love” and he books a haircut. I honestly don’t know how I’d deal with having to live with it if he embraced the shoulder length grey bob look, because I do understand it’s his hair, his choice. So I empathise, OP, but think you just have to grit your teeth and ignore it as much as you can.

I still think take a look at the people in his surroundings be it work,gym any hobbies etc and if there are zny hippy type woman he's trying to impress as he may fancy her or the start of an affair. If its not that and he just likes the idea of long hair maybe explain that if he gets it trimmed it will keep it looking better,also if using conditioner just a tiny bit on the ends otherwise it will look greasy.
Sometimes people like to try new things reinventing themselves etc and surely nothing wrong with that,you may be coming across to him as very bossy and controlling I don't know but its only hair and if he's not sick well jo big deal. Don't worry about the teens being embarrassed 😉 by him with long hair as they are likely to be embarrassed by you for a different reason and that's teens for you

I think you are allowed to get upset about this OP. You married him as a person that took proper care of himself and that has changed. It would be the same if a man felt the same way about a woman.

It would give me the ick.

My BIL didn't bother to get his hair cut in the few days before his wedding to my sister and yet he promised. The wedding photos look genuinely fucking awful. He looks like a tramp in a suit. He had always kept it short before and has always done so afterwards. I do wonder if it was a small act of rebellion on his part but even he said that he looked frightful in those photographs!

Some men can get away with the long haired look but they are in a tiny minority. Bald and long hair is .......just no.

Damn that sounds so ugly. I'd hate it personally. Tricky though as a few years ago I suddenly went bright pink and have stayed this way for 5 years. My DH said NOTHING. He lets me be me. It does seem strange for Ann to want to grow his hair so long and straggly at this age though!

Typo there * it seems strange for a man his age

Why a horrible thread, man decides to grow his hair so he’s either having an affair, a midlife crisis or is trans gender?
And all those people slating Bill Bailey’s hair, it might not be your cup of tea but that’s just your opinion. How horrible to make such sweeping statements about an actual person, who may not ever see this but is still a real person.

If a man posted “I hate my wife’s hairstyle. How can I get her to change it?” he’d be handed his arse on a plate.

a neighbour has not cut his hair it seems for a very long time, and now ties it back with an elastic band

my thoughts are how on earth does his wife feel

Could he be cross dressing?

I'm shocked at this. It's his hair and he can wear it exactly how he wants. To judge someone so strongly because they have what you think is a bad hair style is outrageous. It doesn't sound attractive to me but it's his hair and his choice.

And he is quite right about any possible bullying. Bullies bully. It's what they do. It's about them, not their victims. If it wasn't one thing reason to pick on someone it would be another. And teenagers don't pay much attention to the appearance of adults. To them we are an amorphous mass of old people.

And talking of bullying - from what you say, you are coming pretty close to bullying your DH over this.

Get him some decent hair care products and buy him some bobbles, could you imagine if your husband posted online that he was embarrassed by your hair style and you looked homeless? Women would be up in arms, it isn't your style or your choice and it's definitely something you need to drop.
Having said all that I'm suprised his mates haven't given him a bit of a ribbing if it's all that bad. Dad's are supposed to be a tad embarrassing for their kids that's like a rite of passage 😂 but if my children were so mortified by it I'd be saying, 'well no more drop off or pick ups from the dad taxi whilst you continue to be so rude about your father'
Likely it's a phase and he'll get bored of it but probably not while you're nagging him over it.
For context I have a shaved head and everyone and their auntie thinks it's perfectly ok and acceptable to comment on it, 'oh why do you shave it, you'd look so much better with it long, oh you're brave etc etc' and it pisses me off no end. Noone should be commenting on someone else's appearance, if it's not on you it's not your business 🤷🏻‍♀️

A lot of males around me have grown their hair out.
One was before he (now she) was in denial about their gender and the first thing they done was grow their hair really long.
One was because of severe depression and no desire to take care of their appearance anymore.
And one couldn’t go to a hairdressers in lockdown but once they all opened up again they actually enjoyed having their hair at that length.
While you can’t police him on his hair, maybe suggest as a start to the split ends done, he may have a change of heart in the barbers and take it all off!

gingerhills Just tell him: I loved your hair when it was short. I don't think long hair and bald patches work. It's your hair, so do what you like, but can we talk about why you suddenly choose a look you know I find sexually unappealing? Are you looking for an excuse for us to become less physical with each other?

I actually agree with this. I would HATE it if my husband grew his hair. I don't find long hair on men attractive at all - I don't go around shouting it from the rooftops and vomming on every long-haired man I see, but it's an instant flat 'Nooooo' from me. If DH did decide to grow his hair long, I'd be interested in why he'd made that choice in the full knowledge that it would affect how attracted I was to him. And it would. I can't help that. Similarly, he'd want to know why I chose to shave my head if I did so (just for the style - I'm not talking about consequences of illness or medical treatments) because he feels similarly about very short hair on women. You can't help what you find attractive.

Again: it doesn't apply in cases of illness. He would cope if I lost all my hair through no choice of my own, just like I would if he developed a condition that made his hair sprout a foot a day. Just reiterating before someone comes along with the gotcha.

Is his first and last initial MB????

I'm a woman and have long hair. It takes me a long time to dry, it gets in my way and on my nerves. It gets knotty too. No way on Earth would I be cutting it short though. It's annoying but it's how I feel comfortable. If someone posted this about me I'd be mortified. It's completely fair enough if you don't find him attractive, but it's another thing to try to make him do something with his body for your satisfaction I think.

Also, having his hair cut to quiet the bullies, well what sort of message does that send your children? Change the bits of you that bullies don't like? Like he says, they will only find something new to bully anyway.