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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu to be so upset about Dh's hair

220 replies

snowapril · 01/04/2022 23:34

DH has grown his hair down below his shoulders, it is very thin, dry, straggly, greying with loads of split ends and it accentuates the bald patch on top so is very unflattering. Until growing it out he has always had extremely short hair and couldnt even go 2 months without a trim. Personally I dont judge by appearance but it looks such poor condition and unkempt (despite daily washing which is likely making it worse) which other people are judging. We have 4 teenagers and I am also concerned that they are embarrassed about his appearance (more so than is usual for teens). I have tried to discuss it and he said if they werent bullied about this then it would be something else and that wouldnt make him change his hairstyle. There appears to be no compromise.

OP posts:
speakout · 02/04/2022 08:26

I can't believe some of the comments on this thread.
If a man came on complaining about his wife's appearance he would rightly get a roasting.

Perhaps the worst comments are the passive aggressive suggestions- take a bad photo of him, mock and tease him, just awful.
Just awful.

Iggly · 02/04/2022 08:28

@speakout

I can't believe some of the comments on this thread. If a man came on complaining about his wife's appearance he would rightly get a roasting.

Perhaps the worst comments are the passive aggressive suggestions- take a bad photo of him, mock and tease him, just awful.
Just awful.

I agree!!!
Terfydactyl · 02/04/2022 08:30

@SarahBellam

“I’ve grown my hair out over lockdown but my husband hates it and keeps telling me I’m embarrassing him and the kids.”

If you posted that on Mumsnet you’d rightly have your arse handed to you on a plate. Make the assumption that he likes it long and he’s going to continue to have it long, and look for ways to support it - e.g, decent conditioner, bit of split end removal, bit of mousse, so at least he’ll look more like Cindy Crawford than Worzel Gummidge.

I'm all for it's his hair, let him wear it how he wants, my DP had long awful, straggly hair for 5 or 6 years until he got fed up with it and went back to his usual cut one day and has kept that up. I hated his hair but never said a word. But it's another to actively help in the maintaining by finding products etc. The longer OPs DH is annoyed by the hair the sooner itll go. Also if he wants to take care of his hair he will learn how, just like everyone else.
Lampan · 02/04/2022 08:31

“His body, his choice” surely?
Or doesn’t that apply to men?

HeatherShiver · 02/04/2022 08:33

I can understand it not being your preference, but my DP has very long thick curly hair and the washing/drying time isn't noticeable. Takes loads less time than mine.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 02/04/2022 08:38

@VoodooBadger

Well it works for Bill Bailey
It really doesn’t! His hair makes me feel a bit queasy.

I know he gives 0 shits about my opinion though.

Luredbyapomegranate · 02/04/2022 08:39

I’d assume it’s a type of mid life crisis, but it’s an odd one for sure. Other than getting him some conditioner, conditioning spray, hair ties, and suggesting he stops washing it every day, there’s not much you can do.

In terms of your kids, it’s not going to kill them, and it’s a good lesson in accepting people as they are and in all their glorious weirdness.

Loveatthefiveanddime · 02/04/2022 08:40

Is he digging his heels in as he feels he is being judged/controlled?
Not saying you are being controlling, by the way. But he may feel he has to prove something and not bow to pressure and have the hair that you/his family like?

Loveatthefiveanddime · 02/04/2022 08:44

If the above is true, you'll have to give up encouraging shorter hair as a futile exercise, but instead encourage ways of managing and looking after the style he has - such as trimming to take the ends off, which is fairly basic.

Even long hair needs regular maintenance trims.
Then just hope he makes the decision himself when he getting a trim to have it taken shorter.

CrowUpNorth · 02/04/2022 08:45

Is he deliberately digging his heels in. If DP told me I want allowed short hair I'd be in for a buzz cut the next day.

Brefugee · 02/04/2022 08:46

I'm very much "his hair his choice". I grew my hair out* - i have had short hair since i was about 10 and i just thought I'd give it a go. I had to grit my teeth to really get it to my shoulders, but i hated it, and pretty much my whole family thought it didn't suit me. But at that point i could get it styled. didn't really like that so next hairdresser trip it went back short.

I did look after it well, though and it was shiny and bouncy. So i think this is the approach I'd take. Talk about how to avoid/mitigate split ends, maybe cut the ends at home? conditioning and using a tangle teaser etc etc.

As for embarassment? that is between teenagers and their dad.

  • No one ever used to say this. Growing out layers or a fringe, yes - not just ‘growing your hair out’. who died and made you the language queen? i didn't vote for you. I think it's fine, growing it out of a style/cut, Describes it perfectly.
Sux2buthen · 02/04/2022 08:47

Sorry OP, it's understandable you want to like how your partner looks and daft when people pretend it doesn't matter.
Also you're probably worried about why the change Thanks

Nelliephant1 · 02/04/2022 08:48

@MrsPetty

My husband grew his out during covid. He’d always had it very short. He’s had it trimmed a couple of times since. He’s struggled to manage it but I say kudos to him. He’s 64 next month - the fact he has hair and hardly a grey hair is to be celebrated 💕 I really like it though and he values my opinion. I think if I didn’t he’d at least talk to me about it. Maybe OP it’s more his refusal to discuss why he suddenly wants his hair to be long as well as the style that’s the issue…
Your hubby looks fab 🔥
AtlasPine · 02/04/2022 08:51

Leave him alone about it but ensure he sees photos of himself from various angles. Never forgotten my FIL seeing a photo of himself from behind and asking who the old baldy was.

Beefcurtains79 · 02/04/2022 08:52

Has he been growing his nails too?

Youdoyoutoday · 02/04/2022 08:58

@parkrunsandpinot

My DH did this but he's a surfer and in his 30s so probably wasn't quite so bad but I HATED it. Like hated hated it. We fought about it. Everyone around me told me IWBU. He eventually gave in and had it cut and weve all been much happier since! I feel for you!
Hmm

Controlling much?

Itsbackagain · 02/04/2022 09:01

@AlwaysLatte

Watch out for the motorbike on the drive.
Nope - DH has a buzz cut and only one of our chapter has long hair.
ancientgran · 02/04/2022 09:02

@Grandville

Trying to think what an equivalent would be for a husband to tell a wife. Weight doesn't work as that takes time to fix and is often rooted in other issues. Maybe growing out obvious facial hair when she used to get rid of it? Or starting to wear PJs in public? I'd be sympathetic to a husband who was unhappy with those things.
Maybe that he hates the fact she's cut her hair short, grown her hair long, dyed it bright pink. I think hair is a good equivalent.
Ipadflowers · 02/04/2022 09:07

I’m a bit curious about the being mistaken for a woman, lots of men have their hair long, it’s seldom enough to make the person look like a woman, is there something else about him that is feminine Ie clothes, mannerisms, or even the style itself Ie is it a Bob?

Thehop · 02/04/2022 09:09

@MrsPetty your dh looks really cool

ancientgran · 02/04/2022 09:10

I hate my husband's beard, well I hate all beards but his impacts me more than others. He doesn't know. He's never asked and it's up to him. I think he just got fed up of shaving and if you can't do what you want at 70 (I think he was about 70 when he grew it) when can you?

The only time it makes me smile is when little kids think he is Father Christmas.

WomanStanleyWoman · 02/04/2022 09:11

@Ipadflowers

I’m a bit curious about the being mistaken for a woman, lots of men have their hair long, it’s seldom enough to make the person look like a woman, is there something else about him that is feminine Ie clothes, mannerisms, or even the style itself Ie is it a Bob?
It’s especially odd for a balding man to be mistaken for a woman…
BrinksmansEntry · 02/04/2022 09:12

Is it the length or the condition? If it's the condition then suggest he has it trimmed to deal with the tangles and stringy appearance. Explain that it is a "thing" to get your hair trimmed to keep it in good condition as you grow it, if he has always had it short then he may not be aware of this.

If he is washing and conditioning daily, too much conditioner can absolutely make hair more tangled- my 10yr old out too much on and her hair was affected.

Basically, if its the condition then that can be sorted no problem.

If it's the length then you just need to get over yourself - if he has chosen this then you can't really control it.

LittleGwyneth · 02/04/2022 09:14

echoing what PP said - this reminds me of when Kim Kardashian asked her stepfather (then Bruce, now Caitlin) to cut their hair for her wedding. She was fairly callous about how much she hated his longer hair, but he refused to cut it and no-one could work out why. Obviously later when he transitioned it all made sense. Could it be that your husband is feeling confused about his gender?

WomanStanleyWoman · 02/04/2022 09:14

who died and made you the language queen? i didn't vote for you. I think it's fine, growing it out of a style/cut, Describes it perfectly.

Well no one made you the ‘language queen’ either, so I couldn’t give a flying fuck whether you think phrase describes it perfectly. Your opinion isn’t more important than mine.