Page 8 | aibu to be so upset about Dh's hair

KneadingKitty · 02/04/2022 10:55

Comfortable in appearance I should add*

TatianaBis · 02/04/2022 10:59

“I can’t fuck you with Bill Bailey hair” might do the trick.

FarFarFarAndAway · 02/04/2022 10:59

I hate my husband with a moustache. Every Movember, I'm itching to shout 'it looks awful, get rid' but I just smile and wait. This is a bit different, though as it's longer term. I would say very little about it except your own feelings, so 'I have to be honest, I'm not mad on the look, I don't really fancy men with long hair so much' and then leave it at that. He does have bodily autonomy but equally it's fine to push back occasionally and state your own opinion. You aren't saying cut it, you are stating your own opinion on the matter which I think is fine to do in a marriage.

Kirstos1 · 02/04/2022 11:00

@MrsPetty

My husband grew his out during covid. He’d always had it very short. He’s had it trimmed a couple of times since. He’s struggled to manage it but I say kudos to him. He’s 64 next month - the fact he has hair and hardly a grey hair is to be celebrated 💕 I really like it though and he values my opinion. I think if I didn’t he’d at least talk to me about it. Maybe OP it’s more his refusal to discuss why he suddenly wants his hair to be long as well as the style that’s the issue…

Look how pleased he looks! He suits it! Reminds me of Kevin bacon.

MrsLargeEmbodied · 02/04/2022 11:03

i know its not PC but i do think you should be able to say to your DH, you need a hair cut,
its straggly and unattractive

Hankunamatata · 02/04/2022 11:03

Ask him if he would like a treat of trip to male barbers/hairdressers. He could get condition treatment and trim.

LoisLane66 · 02/04/2022 11:12

I've never understood why some older men grow their hair long when they start going bald on top. Think Bill Bailey. It just looks ridiculous.

DarleneSnell · 02/04/2022 11:14

It sounds awful. Of course you're not unreasonable, it's a drastic change that alters his entire appearance. It's not the same as gaining a bit of weight, which is easily done, happens to many of us and can be hard to sort. I don't know any bloke with straggly matted hair like you describe, and he's grown it deliberately.

No advice really, as I'd tell my DH exactly how I feel and I know he'd cut it, same as I wouldn't choose a buzzcut he hated. It sounds like you've tried expressing your feelings tactfully and he's beyond caring what you think of him? Or there is some kind of midlife crisis going on. You're not unreasonable, anyway!

Original poster

snowapril · 02/04/2022 11:43

Dont think i am bullying as i didnt say anything for 18 months as presumed it was covid/lockdown!!

Have suggested a trim twice in the last 6 months but he had only ever been to barbers whom he thinks only do short back and sides and i presume is too embarrassed to go there (that is only my guess as he wont say why he wont get a trim). I explained about split ends and that it doesnt need to be cut short.

Then I have realized teens avoid being seen with him and overheard some upsetting comments plus a friend told me some incidents so I mentioned that the kids had been bullied and i posted his response earlier. Of course he is correct no one should have to change appearance to prevent bullies but there have never been any other issues - kids have never been teased before and sadly he does look like a tramp as quite obviously not been trimmed in several years so looks like no self care at all. Although he does shower daily but no one would think that from the look of the hair.

No idea about trans angle - it is not something i had ever considered and there are no hints that i am aware of.

If it was to attract another woman I would think it would have the opposite effect. Would thinning, long hair with split ends, greying and big bald patch help start an affair?

OP posts:

MrsPetty · 02/04/2022 11:46

@ditavonteesed Awhhh thank you. He’s a really cool man! Your husband sounds like a total love too 💕

ImAvingOops · 02/04/2022 11:53

I think it's important to try to remain attractive to your partner. If being sexually attractive to your partner has become less of a priority than the right to wear a particularly unflattering hair style/item of clothing, then that's a problem for the relationship! It's your right not to be having sex with someone whose appearance you find unappealing - loving a person doesn't necessarily mean always finding them attractive.

yellowbananasinjuly · 02/04/2022 11:57

Growing his hair is the way he has chosen to express himself at the moment. For whatever reason he is unable to express what he feels in words - and why should he, really.

As this is your only clue to the change in him then my advice is just go with it; if it's a midlife crisis your loving support is what he needs, if it's depression your loving support is what he needs.

If he feels criticised and judged you'll never get anywhere, and he will be unhappy, if that is what is going on, for far longer.

I don't think the kids being embarrassed is relevant. I remember being mortified as a teenager when my parents were even in the same room and there was nothing wrong with them!

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 02/04/2022 11:58

@TinselAngel

Could he be cross dressing?

God people really should think before shit falls out of their mouth. Ffs what a stupid comment

BoodleBug51 · 02/04/2022 12:04

DH is losing his hair and quite bald. And horribly self conscious about it. He was sporting a comb-over and it looked absolutely ridiculous..........

So I was quite brutal and took a photo. He was mortified, but let me loose on it with the clippers.

He tells me when my hair doesn't suit me too. I'd expect that in a marriage.

TinselAngel · 02/04/2022 12:08

God people really should think before shit falls out of their mouth. Ffs what a stupid comment

I'm a trans widow speaking from my own experience and that of supporting other women for several years. There's enough in what the OP says for it to at least be considered as a possibility.

I can go back and list exactly what's rings alarm bells for me if that helps.

In what way have I not thought about this?

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 02/04/2022 12:15

@TinselAngel

God people really should think before shit falls out of their mouth. Ffs what a stupid comment

I'm a trans widow speaking from my own experience and that of supporting other women for several years. There's enough in what the OP says for it to at least be considered as a possibility.

I can go back and list exactly what's rings alarm bells for me if that helps.

In what way have I not thought about this?

Because a guy has decided to grow his hair. That's why. What else has the op said that has given you the impression he's a bloody cross dresser? My dad, brother, uncle and 8 yo DS all have hair mid way down their back. Its hair. It's grows. Even on men.

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 02/04/2022 12:15

@CounsellorTroi

If a man posted “I hate my wife’s hairstyle. How can I get her to change it?” he’d be handed his arse on a plate.

Exactly this. This thread is bloody vile.

SmellyOldOwls · 02/04/2022 12:21

Tell him about the mumsnet haircut 💇‍♀️

Blackberrybunnet · 02/04/2022 12:29

This. I have the same issue with my dh hair. However, I wouldn't let him police my hairstyle, so I can't really expect to do it to him. He knows I'm not keen - tbh he looks like the grandad in Mrs Brown's Boys. At least he lets me "style" it a bit. I have suggested brushing back with a small pony hanging over the rest of hair. That at least covers the bald patch to some extent, and stops it straggling around his face. I'm afraid you're just going o have to live with it.

TinselAngel · 02/04/2022 12:37

I don't want to hijack the OP's thread AllThingsServeTheBeam and that I don't think all men who have long hair are cross dressers, is so obvious that it shouldn't even need to be said.

I don't even necessarily think it's the case here but what the OP says in several places ring enough alarm bells to make me suggest it as a possibility, which is something that I don't do lightly.

It's the dynamic of the very sudden change in behaviour, the imperviousness to how it is effecting the people close to him, and the slightly distasteful ( to the OP) levels of preening that make me mention it as they're signs I recognise. It also feels like there's some secrecy about his motivation.

As you have asked, these are the things the OP has said which could be red flags for cross dressing based on my years of experience of this:

I have tried to discuss it and he said if they werent bullied about this then it would be something else and that wouldnt make him change his hairstyle. There appears to be no compromise.

He just gets defensive

it takes such a long time to wash each day

I can only think mid life crisis

Do you think he wants me to issue an ultimatum so he can get a divorce

it does sometimes make me wonder if he is having a hidden breakdown or wants a new life.

couple of times when someone has seen the long hair at a glimpse and presumed female

he is pulling it out of the way all day

has several conditions and then detangling brush from what i see. seems a long time to me compared to my hairwashes.

is not able to say why the change

constantly tucking it behind his ears

5128gap · 02/04/2022 12:42

I would tell him that it was a really big deal to me, and in the absence of him having a good reason to keep it, would he please indulge me and get it cut. While its true that appearance shouldn't matter, we all know it does, and opting out of that doesn't alter the ramifications for other people. His children should not have to be impacted by whatever statement he is making. I would say exactly the same whether the person concerned was a man or a woman, as we all have the right to want certain things in a partner, and if short neat hair is one of them, then it's not unreasonable to say so.
Obviously the partner has an equal right to refuse a request relating to their appearance, and then a decision has to be made whether its a deal breaker or not.

stormswiftlysweetafton · 02/04/2022 12:49

I think the "if this were about a woman" comments are rather silly. There's a cultural element to hair. Some people break the "rules", of course, but it's still rare for an older, balding man to keep his hair long and unkempt unless he's a certain type of person. Usually, that's a person who doesn't take good care of himself or someone who is antisocial in some way. So it sends a negative message. A woman in our culture can have long or short hair, or can wear makeup or not, without standing out or sending a similarly negative social cue.

Comparing long hair to being overweight is ridiculous, imo, because hair can easily be changed in a single afternoon. Weight is often difficult to control, unlike hair length. A more reasonable comparison would be weight and baldness, but that's not the issue in this case.

I'd find that hair style unappealing and sexually unattractive, and if he wouldn't respond to gentle hints, I would tell him more bluntly that I would like him to consider cutting his hair for my sake.

Beautiful3 · 02/04/2022 12:49

It's his body so his choice. However you are entitled to speak the truth. Talk to him, and explain that you don't fancy him anymore with long hair. You'd love it,nif he went to get a short hair cut. See what he says. But don't lie and make it about the children etc.

Roseinbloom20 · 02/04/2022 13:32

In the late 90s my dad did similar, he'd always had a good head of hair but it started to thin and I think it was a last chance saloon before he accepted he was going bald (he grew it just below his chin and had a tiny pony tail like David Seaman - looked awful!) my mum openly told him she didn't like it and it was not a good look but he had it about a year then just shaved it all off and has done ever since, just embraced the bald and it looks fine, my DH did the same when his bald patch was too noticeable (thankfully he never attempted to grow his out!) he'll probably decide one day he's had enough or realise it really looks terrible and shave it off 🤞🏻 unfortunately one of those situations where you have to ride it out.

TheOriginalEmu · 02/04/2022 13:47

@stormswiftlysweetafton

I think the "if this were about a woman" comments are rather silly. There's a cultural element to hair. Some people break the "rules", of course, but it's still rare for an older, balding man to keep his hair long and unkempt unless he's a certain type of person. Usually, that's a person who doesn't take good care of himself or someone who is antisocial in some way. So it sends a negative message. A woman in our culture can have long or short hair, or can wear makeup or not, without standing out or sending a similarly negative social cue.

Comparing long hair to being overweight is ridiculous, imo, because hair can easily be changed in a single afternoon. Weight is often difficult to control, unlike hair length. A more reasonable comparison would be weight and baldness, but that's not the issue in this case.

I'd find that hair style unappealing and sexually unattractive, and if he wouldn't respond to gentle hints, I would tell him more bluntly that I would like him to consider cutting his hair for my sake.

None of those things change the fact it’s his hair to do as he pleases with. Bodily autonomy also applies when we don’t like a persons choices or they are socially unpopular.