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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu to be so upset about Dh's hair

220 replies

snowapril · 01/04/2022 23:34

DH has grown his hair down below his shoulders, it is very thin, dry, straggly, greying with loads of split ends and it accentuates the bald patch on top so is very unflattering. Until growing it out he has always had extremely short hair and couldnt even go 2 months without a trim. Personally I dont judge by appearance but it looks such poor condition and unkempt (despite daily washing which is likely making it worse) which other people are judging. We have 4 teenagers and I am also concerned that they are embarrassed about his appearance (more so than is usual for teens). I have tried to discuss it and he said if they werent bullied about this then it would be something else and that wouldnt make him change his hairstyle. There appears to be no compromise.

OP posts:
Thewheelsfalloffthebus · 02/04/2022 06:31

Suggest a neat man bun to stop it getting tangled during the day?

Sushi7 · 02/04/2022 06:36

If you cut your hair short or gained a couple of stone then I bet you’d be upset and most women on here would tell you he’s a dick and controlling. Personally, I think it’s best to be honest that you don’t like your OH’s (man or woman) new appearance. You can’t force him to change though.

Everydayimhuffling · 02/04/2022 06:38

You seem to be approaching this from the perspective that he should get rid of it. I would think you'd have much more success talking to him about caring for it better. My DP started growing his hair again, having had long hair as a teenager, and he definitely had to figure out how to manage it. It also is inevitable that it goes through phases where it is in your face, having moved between short and long hair several times myself.

Also, you're going to have to get over people mistaking him for a woman from the back. Their embarrassment is not your problem or his

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 02/04/2022 06:40

I think it's the udden change that makes it difficult.

I've had several partners over the years who changed their hair... Most were fine... One was a vagina sealing one... He went from long wavey 1970s rock star hairGrin, to a non-conditioned /unwashed matted mess... Boak... I just couldn't fancy him in this guise... I realise now he was probably depressed.

Neongoddess · 02/04/2022 06:42

I dont believe for a second that people assume a clearly male person with long hair and a bald patch is a woman?

Often?

Honestly, most teenagers remember being embarrassed by their parents at least of the something.

This whole post doesn't make sense. It's washed, brushed, cared for and has lots of conditioners for it but still matted and unkempt?

He doesn't tie it back and it annoys you that he is brushing off his face?

Its really odd to have this depth of feeling about his hair.

And as for the posters saying 'get the kids to tell him he has to tie it back in the school run' and similar. If a poster came here saying her husband had told her kids, to tell to change her appearance (like wear a big coat to hide some weight gain) for the school run, he would be called abusive and all sort. He would be influencing the kids ro abuse her too.

PiperPosey · 02/04/2022 06:44

He is experiencing low esteem and can't deal with the fact that he is losing hair on top.

He is compensating for this by growing the hair out he has...
( No matter how it looks...to him he has hair.)

Squidthing · 02/04/2022 06:48

It's his hair, let him be. Teenagers are meant to be embarrassed by their parents.

speakout · 02/04/2022 06:49

If he is anything like the men in my family he has a trace of the buckaroo.
As do I, so it's not just a male thing.
If people tell me what to do I am sure to do the opposite as I don't like being controlled.

OP if youur OH remains functional in other areas- working, keeping up hobbies keeping other hygiene and personal habits good then perhaps he is resisting a cut because you are on his case about it.
I know I would do the opposite of what someone else is telling me about such a trivial matter.
In the grand scheme of thing his hair is unimportant.

Hopefulsunrise · 02/04/2022 06:56

Ultimately and I mean this politely his hair is none of your business. Id ask if if he is going for a new look. Add that you have had long hair and can give him some care tips. Overwashing etc ....Meanwhile swop out the shampoo and conditioner for something nourishing and thickening that smells good.

DoobryWhatsit · 02/04/2022 06:57

It's not your hair. Your husband isn't an extension of yourself.

Twotinydictators · 02/04/2022 07:07

@WomanStanleyWoman

It means growing it out of the previous style.

Nelliephant1 · 02/04/2022 07:12

Have your children actually said that they're embarrassed or because you're uncomfortable then you think they are too?

I'd be helping him with it. Help him to detangle and care for it, then after a while, suggest he finds a decent hairdresser to tidy the ends up.

Two of my sons have very long, beautiful hair and have been mistaken for girls from behind on countless occasions until they turn around with beards and deep voices. I can honestly say it's never bothered thrm in the slightest, they've always found it highly amusing 😂

Barrawarra · 02/04/2022 07:24

I understand where you are coming from given it’s a sudden change and you don’t understand why. But I think you need to try to let your feelings on this go and connect with his. For whatever reason, he has chosen this for himself. It may be some identity thing, or more worrying issue going on, but it’s his hair.

My DH let his hair grow long at one stage when he had a work sabbatical. It didn’t look as good as it did. His family constantly asked me ‘when are you going to get him to sort out his hair’. I found this outrageously sexist to us both, treating me as the arbiter of what is ok, and treating him as an idiot that doesn’t know How To Be Normal.

We all go through phases in our lives when we try out a look and it is shit but we need to realise this ourselves. I think if you try to find out what’s going on from this critical and embarrassments point of view, it makes sense he doesn’t tell you. Bald patches and ageing are tender and sensitive for people. If he asks for your feedback, give it kindly and don’t heap on the pressure of ‘your kids will be embarrassed by you’. His life is as important as each of yours. And I’d teach your kids to be more accepting rather than try to change him.

WomanStanleyWoman · 02/04/2022 07:24

[quote Twotinydictators]@WomanStanleyWoman

It means growing it out of the previous style.[/quote]
No one ever used to say this. Growing out layers or a fringe, yes - not just ‘growing your hair out’.

trackerby · 02/04/2022 07:27

DH keeps growing strange, very aging, facial hair, he appears to love the attention and disapproval he gets from friends and family.

I think your DH is enjoying people noticing him OP, any interest is better than no interest?

ThirdElephant · 02/04/2022 07:28

Oh, my DH did this. Went full bushman (thankfully not yet thinning on top so wasn't quite that bad).

I eventually booked a family photoshoot. A really expensive one. Lo and behold, out came the scissors.

Mousespace · 02/04/2022 07:29

Suggest him a hairdresser. I personally wouldn’t care about the length but the condition of it. If you want to have long hair you need to learn to care for it- a good hairdresser can teach you and trim the dead bits off (the maintenance is why I cut mine off!!) unkept long hair is screaming sickness or depression, and it can’t be good for him or your bills to be washing it every day.

ditavonteesed · 02/04/2022 07:30

I stopped reading the thread when I got to @MrsPetty your husband got it going on!
I got a buzz cut at the start of lockdown as I was really anxious about what I was bringing home from work on my hair, I'm fat and ginger, my husband encouraged me as how I was feeling was far more important than how I look to him. I looked like a fat ginger potato but he still fancied me and the teenagers didn't care.
Maybe just ask him about it and suggest some hair care methods if he's never had long hair before.

parkrunsandpinot · 02/04/2022 07:31

My DH did this but he's a surfer and in his 30s so probably wasn't quite so bad but I HATED it. Like hated hated it. We fought about it. Everyone around me told me IWBU. He eventually gave in and had it cut and weve all been much happier since! I feel for you!

Frostylaudanum · 02/04/2022 07:34

I find it surprising that children would get bullied for the way their father looks.
My opinion is that it's his hair and up to him how he wears it.
Maybe he's always wanted to grow it and as he's balding has realised time is running out?

ScarlettSunset · 02/04/2022 07:37

I think a lot depends on the reason for growing his hair. My partner has long hair now, simply because he hasn't felt comfortable going to get it cut during the pandemic (vulnerable people in both our families). He looks after it well though and keeps it in good condition.

Has anything else changed as well, like suddenly not cleaning teeth etc? I'd personally be more worried if hygiene in general had gone downhill

GameofPhones · 02/04/2022 07:43

There is an association between long hair and strength for men (Samson story). Could this have something to do with it?

jellybeanteaparty · 02/04/2022 07:46

I know a couple of guys that have done this.Started with not being able to get it cut during lockdown and they decided to keep it. The do however often wear it in bun or add a baseball cap. Would a ponytail or bun look better perhaps for some occasions?

WonderfulYou · 02/04/2022 07:47

YANBU no one wants their loved one being laughed or sneered at behind their backs.
However it’s completely his choice how he wants to look.

I would try and compromise - don’t ask him to cut it but say it’s looking a bit bitty can you brush it or get a different shampoo for greasy hair etc.

I’ve not RTFT so not sure if it’s been mentioned and I don’t want to be one of those OTT posters but this is happened on the show ‘keeping up with the kardashians’ - they couldn’t understand why he grew his hair long and a couple of years later he came out as transgender.
I’m not saying this is definitely happening but it could be - I’d look for painted toe nails or make up and clothes being moved around.

gingerhills · 02/04/2022 07:47

@snowapril

He just gets defensive but cant see how he can like it as it takes such a long time to wash each day and try to detangle and then it seems to irritate him. I can only think mid life crisis combined with the stress of restrictions of the last 2 years that he cant articulate. However I feel we have a responsibility as parents to consider our kids feelings.
Seriously I don't think you can justify offloading your reaction to this onto your teens. All teens feel acutely embarrassed by their parents, however we dress or behave.

The point here is that you don't like it and you find it socially embarrassing and you (entirely justifiably, whatever Bill Bailey thinks) find very long straggly grey hair with a bald patch entirely unappealing aesthetically.

Just tell him: I loved your hair when it was short. I don't think long hair and bald patches work. It's your hair, so do what you like, but can we talk about why you suddenly choose a look you know I find sexually unappealing? Are you looking for an excuse for us to become less physical with each other?