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Original poster

Partner assaulted me. Don't know where to turn

241 replies

CoffeeLover90 · 30/03/2022 23:16

I know I'm not unreasonable. Posted here as has most footfall. If you make it to the end well done.
Partner of 17 years assaulted me this afternoon. I called the police. He literally snapped my phone in half.
He's drank on and off (mostly on) for 2 years. The final straw was I over heard him talking to another girl, who he hasn't seen for 16 years, arranging to meet and start a relationship. I realized in that moment, I've been used. He's with me for a place to stay and for money. Nothing else. Which means he'll have no intention to stop drinking. When I pulled him on this he smothered me on the bed, punched me on the head, pushed me a lot. Threw my phone at me, the walls, stamped on it then finally hit over the banister so it snapped in half. Our son, 2 years old, was downstairs. I managed to grab my son and run to my friends over the road. I rang the police. He was arrested and took into the van as I was in the process of giving a statement. They left saying they'll come back once he's booked in. I've heard nothing since. I've called 101 to let them know I now have my SIM card on another phone. They said he was still in custody and I'd get a call. That was 2 hours ago.
I'm alone with the little one. I'm terrified. he'd said if I phoned police he will come and kill me once he's released.
I've never been so scared in my life.
I'm also worried about SS they were involved at sons birth and was signed off a few months later on the agreement the relationship did not continue and he would have supervised visits only. Due to previous violence.
I know I'm an absolute idiot for taking him back.

OP posts:
Springhassprung86 · 30/03/2022 23:21

Wow. Sorry you’ve been through this OP. But I can’t believe you put your relationship with this man before your own son by lying to social services. They will absolutely be back involved now as you’ve lied to them and failed to safeguard him.
I hope you have good support around you.

Newtonred · 30/03/2022 23:22

I am sorry for what you are going through Op but be prepared for social services not to be at all happy, they will no doubt want to monitor you again as you broke an agreement. Be prepared for your child to be out on the at risk register

Catcrazy83 · 30/03/2022 23:23

Have you got anywhere else or any any family/friends you can stay with for a few days?

The social services will be informed.

What is the housing situation? Could you move easily or go in a shelter?

Fraaahnces · 30/03/2022 23:23

I’m really sorry this happened to you, but also mortified that it took you this long to wide up.

Fraaahnces · 30/03/2022 23:24

*wise up

nocoolnamesleft · 30/03/2022 23:24

Firstly, well done on calling the police. That was absolutely 100% the right thing to do. He could have killed you. Secondly, yes, the police will notify social services as there was a child in the house. It is essential to keep you and your child safe that you follow through and never see him again. It is essential to you keeping your child that you follow through and never see him again.

No one is saying that is easy. But you can do it. You were strong enough to call the police. You are strong enough to do this. There are women on here who have done this. And the support they got on here helped them see it through. You will probably also find womensaid useful: www.womensaid.org.uk/

Good luck. Be strong. You can do this.

Newtonred · 30/03/2022 23:25

You can’t take him back again OP. Social
Services will only give so many chances. Please don’t let this turn into a horror story

MrsIglesias · 30/03/2022 23:25

So sorry OP. How scary. This must be so hard. Sending strength and solidarity. Rest and regroup and look after you and DS. Keep us updated Flowers

Newtonred · 30/03/2022 23:26

Contact women’s aid as well they will help. Do you have any other support you can access?

RedHelenB · 30/03/2022 23:26

You've made the right choice now. Today is the first day of the rest of your life. I would imagine his bail conditions won't allow him to be near you, but sounds as though he has so m wine else lined up amyway, which will get him off your back.

HellToTheNope · 30/03/2022 23:26

This reply has been deleted

We've removed this post as we felt it wasn't entirely in the spirit of the site.

MaChienEstUnDick · 30/03/2022 23:28

Tomorrow you phone women's aid for support and you also call social services and tell them what you've told us. You beg them for support and you engage fully in any process they ask of you, along with Women's Aid for practical help to get you away and keep you safe.

Getting out in front of this is the only way to keep your child.

Well done for getting away and calling the police. Now you have to keep being brave and strong and looking this in the face.

Original poster
CoffeeLover90 · 30/03/2022 23:30

I understand SS will be involved, I'm happy to be monitored, whatever it takes for him to be with me. He's the reason I called police. Not for myself. Ex was not drinking or abusive at the time I stupidly took him back. But yes, I should never have done that. I have support but no where to stay, no one who can come here now either. I just want to know where he is so I know if it's safe to sleep. I hadn't even finished giving my statement when they left and said they be back. I will press charges. I have already said I want a restraining order. I never want to see him again. Doing that to the mother of your child, while the child is home is out of order and it's gone too far now. 17 years of my life wasted and literally thousands down the drain but the thought of a future without him is keeping me going. This house is rented and in my name only.

OP posts:
Newtonred · 30/03/2022 23:36

Is there anyone who can come and stay with you are you can go to them for a couple of nights for piece of mind.
You can’t change the past Op so not good blaming yourself but the future is up to you.
Best of luck x

Stars1979 · 30/03/2022 23:37

If the police do their jobs properly they will call you to let you know if he will be charged and bail or kept in cells for court, or bailed pending further investigation. He at the very least should have a condition of bail not to contact you and not to go to the address i would hope. Does he has violence on his record? Does he have somewhere else to stay, all factors going to be considered for his bail status.

Stars1979 · 30/03/2022 23:39

I would call back the police express your concerns ask when they think he will be dealt with as express your concerns about sleep, they might give you an indication....

AHungryCaterpillar · 30/03/2022 23:39

Yes I would be very concerned about ss in this situation.

Original poster
CoffeeLover90 · 30/03/2022 23:51

The police just rang. He's staying in all night. He'd been in hospital all afternoon (didn't ask, don't care) they hadn't interviewed as in no fit state and needs an appropriate adult as he has a learning difficulty. I've already contacted *[local women's support organisation] and they opened a case. Police already said they need to contact SS. If I haven't heard from them by Friday morning I will contact them myself and continue to contact every day if I need to. I don't want to live in fear anymore but please understand he threatened to kill me if I had him removed, I felt trapped. Police involved would mean SS I knew that but I just had no choice today. I could have been killed for god's sake. I'm shaken, in shock, terrified but determined. I'll not waste any more of my time. I will not let my son think this is ok. It ends today.

  • [location redacted]
OP posts:
Keepingthingsinteresting · 31/03/2022 00:00

Well done OP. Try and get some sleep now

Pompom2367 · 31/03/2022 00:04

Op get the locks changed tomorrow do you own the house or renting? If renting would it be possible to start looking at moving engage with ss as they may be hard on you as you broke the agreement

MuggleMadness · 31/03/2022 00:11

Phone a friend.

I would help any of my friends, acquaintances, neighbours in your situation. I'd stay at yours or bring you to mine.

You need to be with someone.

You've been very brave tonight,

You made a mistake taking him back, but we've all made mistakes in life. & I sense it's a lesson you've learnt today 🌸

Do you need any medical help?

Is Dd asleep?

Finally, make sure the police know he threatened to kill you once he was let go.

Original poster
CoffeeLover90 · 31/03/2022 00:15

The police changed the front door lock but couldn't do back door as handle is broken. I'm reporting this to my landlord tomorrow and asking if he can change the locks too although I don't think he has a key for either. He had my house keys on him when he was arrested so he obviously intended on coming back. I honestly can't afford to move, I'd need a bond etc and my support network is here. I have CCTV too, I've let a few neighbors know and asked they call police if they see him in the street. As far as SS is concerned I'm aware they will need to be involved and I'm open to any monitoring they need to do. I just can't live without my boy, I don't want to lose custody. That's the only reason I've put up with this so long (he'd never hit me before)

OP posts:
Papayamya · 31/03/2022 00:23

As far as SS is concerned I'm aware they will need to be involved and I'm open to any monitoring they need to do. I just can't live without my boy, I don't want to lose custody. That's the only reason I've put up with this so long (he'd never hit me before)

I'm also worried about SS they were involved at sons birth and was signed off a few months later on the agreement the relationship did not continue and he would have supervised visits only. Due to previous violence.

It sounds like he was violent before, social services will be interested as the caveat was that you would protect your child and not continue on in the relationship, which you went ahead and did anyway. You chose him over your child at that point so it's nothing to do with you sticking around it's the opposite.

Original poster
CoffeeLover90 · 31/03/2022 00:23

I have friends nearby but they have young kids in bed. I can't stay there as DS was already up an hour and half past bed time and was upset, there was no space at my friends to sleep over. He's sound asleep now thankfully. I'm very sore around my ribs but other than that ok and don't feel I need anything but painkillers.
Thank you for the words of support and advice.
Again I know I'm an idiot but I was at a low point, easily manipulated and I should never have took him back. To stop this happening I can only cut all contact, obviously son together means his family will/may have involvement with us but this is strictly on the agreement they never mention his name to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
CoffeeLover90 · 31/03/2022 00:29

He was yes, almost 4 years ago. Not physically but he had been controlling. I'd pressed charges, he spent time in prison. His controlling came from him using class a drugs. He hasn't touched these since going to prison. He seems to use alcohol to cope. He's not usually abusive in drink. This was isolated. He gets aggressive if he wants drink and I don't give him the money and he's depressed without it and has no energy to help with anything. After a few days sober he was great but went back to the drink first chance he got.
I know more than anyone that I've been a fool. I am so ashamed of myself but I can only move on from today. I'll never forgive myself.

OP posts: