Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Partner assaulted me. Don't know where to turn

241 replies

CoffeeLover90 · 30/03/2022 23:16

I know I'm not unreasonable. Posted here as has most footfall. If you make it to the end well done.
Partner of 17 years assaulted me this afternoon. I called the police. He literally snapped my phone in half.
He's drank on and off (mostly on) for 2 years. The final straw was I over heard him talking to another girl, who he hasn't seen for 16 years, arranging to meet and start a relationship. I realized in that moment, I've been used. He's with me for a place to stay and for money. Nothing else. Which means he'll have no intention to stop drinking. When I pulled him on this he smothered me on the bed, punched me on the head, pushed me a lot. Threw my phone at me, the walls, stamped on it then finally hit over the banister so it snapped in half. Our son, 2 years old, was downstairs. I managed to grab my son and run to my friends over the road. I rang the police. He was arrested and took into the van as I was in the process of giving a statement. They left saying they'll come back once he's booked in. I've heard nothing since. I've called 101 to let them know I now have my SIM card on another phone. They said he was still in custody and I'd get a call. That was 2 hours ago.
I'm alone with the little one. I'm terrified. he'd said if I phoned police he will come and kill me once he's released.
I've never been so scared in my life.
I'm also worried about SS they were involved at sons birth and was signed off a few months later on the agreement the relationship did not continue and he would have supervised visits only. Due to previous violence.
I know I'm an absolute idiot for taking him back.

OP posts:
MadinMarch · 31/03/2022 13:03

As someone else has already mentioned, you do need to have your injuries seen and documented by a medic. You may need this proof in the future for evidence if he applies for unsupervised contact, or if you need further restraining orders etc
Take care `OP and good luck for the future.

CheshireChat · 31/03/2022 13:07

As someone who is further down the line and has to go to court for child arrangements- document everything, papers, documents, calls in regards to his behaviour.

Good luck!

Original poster
CoffeeLover90 · 31/03/2022 13:08

As for moving house, I understand where you are coming from but my support network is here, I worked very hard and spent a lot of money to make this a nice home for me and DS. I hope it's not something that needs to be done but if needs must... I have no savings the scumbag spent it all. I have a job but I'm taking some time off until childcare etc can be sorted, I work lates and weekends so shouldn't be too much issue. I've already contacted women in need who have opened a case. Waiting to see which service SS may suggest first. I hope that they're able to visit today, then we can move on and get started with our new life.

OP posts:
Original poster
CoffeeLover90 · 31/03/2022 13:11

@MadinMarch

As someone else has already mentioned, you do need to have your injuries seen and documented by a medic. You may need this proof in the future for evidence if he applies for unsupervised contact, or if you need further restraining orders etc Take care `OP and good luck for the future.
As long as there is breath in my body he will never have unsupervised visits. I couldn't give a F what any court says. He's not on birth certificate either, he was in prison when he was born.
OP posts:
RoundGlass · 31/03/2022 13:15

Please do get your self checked over by the GP and have your injuries recorded.

Stay strong Flowers

OrlandointheWilderness · 31/03/2022 13:20

How bloody horrific for you OP. Well done on the steps you've taken, you have done so so well. Yes, taking him back was not ideal but you can move on and leave it behind you.

annielouisa · 31/03/2022 13:22

You have found the courage protect your DS and yourself. Keep believing in yourself and work with the social workers. Do not back down on going to court. You are finally seeing the monster for what ge is. Move forward with your life because you are worth so much more!

Funkyfraz · 31/03/2022 13:29

@HellToTheNope

I'm also worried about SS they were involved at sons birth and was signed off a few months later on the agreement the relationship did not continue and he would have supervised visits only. Due to previous violence. I know I'm an absolute idiot for taking him back.

I'm sorry, op, but you have completely failed to keep your child, and yourself, safe. For SS to get involved to the extent they did means it was very serious, and you willfully disregarded their directive. Perhaps your son should be in the care of relatives while you get yourself together.

Victim blaming much?! Hmm
DomesticatedZombie · 31/03/2022 13:30

Just wishing you and your son well, OP. Flowers

Greensleeves · 31/03/2022 13:31

@PyongyangKipperbang

You must try and forgive yourself.

What a lot of people who have never lived with an abuser dont understand is how manipulative they are.

I explain it to friends as "Frightened to stay but too terrified to leave".

When you are with them there is (to a point) a certain level of control we feel, we can sense the mood, try to head it off, try to distract, its like having a toddler that you know is going to have a tantrum. But when they are not there.....you just dont know. You dont know if or when they will turn up, what state they will be in, what they will do.....

We all know that a woman who is in an abusive relationship is most at risk as or just after she leaves. That is exactly what happened here, he knew he was losing his victim and he attacked.

They break us down to the point where we think that they are the best we can do, that we deserve what they do to us, that we cannot break free. They lie, bully, manipulate, control, beat until we cant think straight and mentally we dont have the strength to keep them away.

I, like you, needed the police to get him out and keep him out. I knew that SS would take the kids if I didnt keep him out and that was what I needed to keep my resolve strong.

If you had met me 4 years ago you wouldnt know I was the same woman, now.....I am EPIC! And you will be too :) Flowers

I agree, you are fucking epic. I love your posts.

OP I know you had prepared yourself for some harsh and judgmental comments about your choices, but don't take too much shit. You're a survivor of abuse by a classic manipulative male abuser; it's impossible for anyone who hasn't been in that situation to understand how it works. The important thing is that you have broken out of it, you have stood up for yourself and your child and the bastard is going to face consequences now. Stay determined. Stay angry. Stay strong. And put the blame where it belongs; with the man who abused you.

AHungryCaterpillar · 31/03/2022 13:39

@ScrollingLeaves

Please stop frightening OP over SS. That might drive her back. She needs a refuge, counselling, and a fresh start.
Ss are far more likely to be a problem if she does go back so that makes no sense. Going back will make things worse op needs to realise she can never go back
SeaToSki · 31/03/2022 13:40

If your patio door is a sliding one, you can put a broom stick or something straight and strong in the floor track on the inside and then it wont open from the outside

Booboobibles · 31/03/2022 13:49

@PyongyangKipperbang

You must try and forgive yourself.

What a lot of people who have never lived with an abuser dont understand is how manipulative they are.

I explain it to friends as "Frightened to stay but too terrified to leave".

When you are with them there is (to a point) a certain level of control we feel, we can sense the mood, try to head it off, try to distract, its like having a toddler that you know is going to have a tantrum. But when they are not there.....you just dont know. You dont know if or when they will turn up, what state they will be in, what they will do.....

We all know that a woman who is in an abusive relationship is most at risk as or just after she leaves. That is exactly what happened here, he knew he was losing his victim and he attacked.

They break us down to the point where we think that they are the best we can do, that we deserve what they do to us, that we cannot break free. They lie, bully, manipulate, control, beat until we cant think straight and mentally we dont have the strength to keep them away.

I, like you, needed the police to get him out and keep him out. I knew that SS would take the kids if I didnt keep him out and that was what I needed to keep my resolve strong.

If you had met me 4 years ago you wouldnt know I was the same woman, now.....I am EPIC! And you will be too :) Flowers

This. I was also with an abusive man with a history of violence but he was never violent with me…..just kind of teetering on the edge of violence and pushing the boundaries as far as he dared.

What I’d say is do as much research into abusive men and personality disorders as you can. I think once you’ve done this you’ll never go back. You may also realise that you’ve tolerated lower-level abuse your whole life and you can now recognise it. That’s very empowering x

Original poster
CoffeeLover90 · 31/03/2022 13:51

I appreciate there has been some 'shit' thrown. That's why I said in my post I'm an idiot. I agree. I didn't keep myself safe, I let my son down, I can't apologize enough. Moving forward though, I've realized it was worse to stay than break it off. I've done as much as I can so far, the physical side of packing etc I've asked my friend if her partner can help after work. Plenty of time for that. Police, SS and nursery were the main things to sort.

OP posts:
Moonface123 · 31/03/2022 14:09

OP l would ring Womens Aid they will be able to support you, and put things in place to secure your safety. You won' t feel so alone.

Princetopple · 31/03/2022 14:19

Just to add on to what SeatoSki said - you can buy something called a patlock which covers both patio doors from the inside and stops them being opened if they're handle opening ones. Meant to stop burglaries but would stop them being opened with a key too. Might make you feel a bit safer.

Original poster
CoffeeLover90 · 31/03/2022 14:19

@Moonface123

OP l would ring Womens Aid they will be able to support you, and put things in place to secure your safety. You won' t feel so alone.
Thank you. I rang women in need, they work in partnership with women's aid and are local to me. I'd rang last night and they opened a case. So if SS can suggest any support through them they can work with me. I will probably need some counseling just to come to terms with everything but the hardest part is over. I just pray his threats were just words. I'm not stupid, I know I'm now in a more vulnerable position than before but at least this way I've taken steps to protect us both.

[Post edited by MNHQ to remove location]

OP posts:
oakleaffy · 31/03/2022 14:25

@CoffeeLover90

Don’t give this brute another chance.
Ever.

You need 💯 100% to put your son first.

Haven’t had any experience with SS but I’d image it’s best to be honest with them

No child deserves to live with violence.

And nor does anyone else.
You have to be strong for both you and your son .

You can do it.

That brute does not love you.

JackieWeaversLaptop · 31/03/2022 14:26

@Springhassprung86

Wow. Sorry you’ve been through this OP. But I can’t believe you put your relationship with this man before your own son by lying to social services. They will absolutely be back involved now as you’ve lied to them and failed to safeguard him. I hope you have good support around you.
Springhassprung I assume you mean well, but your SS comment comes across as quite harsh, especially when the OP has been through so much, and seems a bit like victim-blaming.
FairWindClearSailing · 31/03/2022 14:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FarFarFarAndAway · 31/03/2022 14:31

Well done OP, sounds like you really have made great strides in getting rid of him, getting support from services and being determined about what needs doing. This is so hard, and so many have trodden this road before you, it is not easy, keep going....

oakleaffy · 31/03/2022 14:41

@CoffeeLover90
I had a lovely friend who was in a veru codependent relationship with a class A drug user.
Once he’d crossed the line with violence, attacks on this tiny woman got much worse.

She broke free for a few yrs, but then crazily she got back with him and had a DC.

I haven’t seen her since.

I wish I knew she was OK.

Not a trace of her online.

Only saying this as you said your violent partner is a substance user.
It made me wonder if my friend in a crazy was was “Addicted “ to her violent partner.

There has to be a reason women put up with abuse.

You and your boy are worth so much more.

oakleaffy · 31/03/2022 14:43

Edit..Should have said “ Your violent EX partner”
Well done for pulling free of the mire.

Littlegoth · 31/03/2022 14:48

You aren’t an idiot, you just made a mistake. It had serious consequences, something awful happened but you have been lucky and you’ve got another chance to get it right. Don’t make the same mistake again. I’m glad social services are supporting you and hope you feel better soon.

Original poster
CoffeeLover90 · 31/03/2022 14:57

That's exactly what it's like. You forget any other way of living, self esteem is so low you believe you deserve it, you believe it can't get worse it'll get better. I'd be here all day with the excuses I came up with but yesterday something snapped in my head. He's wanted this all along really. Well he got it. He'll have to start from scratch. I have my boy, house, job and (ask anyone) I'm lovely. Even if he was clean and sober he would never ever be on the same level as me. He tried to knock my self esteem down it didn't work, with every insult I thought 'no, I'm the opposite' He won't even get to know my achievements from now on. My son will. F the lot of them.

OP posts: