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AIBU?

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Original poster

Partner assaulted me. Don't know where to turn

241 replies

CoffeeLover90 · 30/03/2022 23:16

I know I'm not unreasonable. Posted here as has most footfall. If you make it to the end well done.
Partner of 17 years assaulted me this afternoon. I called the police. He literally snapped my phone in half.
He's drank on and off (mostly on) for 2 years. The final straw was I over heard him talking to another girl, who he hasn't seen for 16 years, arranging to meet and start a relationship. I realized in that moment, I've been used. He's with me for a place to stay and for money. Nothing else. Which means he'll have no intention to stop drinking. When I pulled him on this he smothered me on the bed, punched me on the head, pushed me a lot. Threw my phone at me, the walls, stamped on it then finally hit over the banister so it snapped in half. Our son, 2 years old, was downstairs. I managed to grab my son and run to my friends over the road. I rang the police. He was arrested and took into the van as I was in the process of giving a statement. They left saying they'll come back once he's booked in. I've heard nothing since. I've called 101 to let them know I now have my SIM card on another phone. They said he was still in custody and I'd get a call. That was 2 hours ago.
I'm alone with the little one. I'm terrified. he'd said if I phoned police he will come and kill me once he's released.
I've never been so scared in my life.
I'm also worried about SS they were involved at sons birth and was signed off a few months later on the agreement the relationship did not continue and he would have supervised visits only. Due to previous violence.
I know I'm an absolute idiot for taking him back.

OP posts:
Original poster
CoffeeLover90 · 31/03/2022 06:26

Thank you all again.
I've been able to sleep a couple of hours.
*[local women's support organisation] mentioned the sanctuary scheme. I have CCTV and can view the footage on my phone and TV, it records the last 24 hours. The handle that broken is for a patio door. It's been like that a while. I broke by accident when I slammed the door during a high wind.
I'm happy for them to come and discuss anything else I may need. I just don't feel safe even with those in place.
I don't know if he threatened me to stop me phoning the police or genuinely is going to kill me.

OP posts:
ApolloandDaphne · 31/03/2022 06:34

I am glad you now see the seriousness of the situation but it's not great that it took him almost killing you to get there. I suspect your DS will be deemed at risk but having SS involved might be a bonus as there will be a clear plan in place.

Original poster
CoffeeLover90 · 31/03/2022 06:59

It should not have got to this point. He was not violent since the relationship re started but he has been aggressive and threatening. I felt I couldn't ring them at that point as he'd said he would come back and kill me if I did. I just have to hold onto hope that it was just words.
I'm open to them being involved. I'm prepared to be honest and follow any suggestions they give.
Still waiting for police to contact me so I can give statement. I think they'll put referral in at that point. If I haven't heard from them by tomorrow I'll be calling them my self.

OP posts:
Circlesandtriangles · 31/03/2022 07:12

OP I'm so sorry this is happening to you - you can get out this time and have a life free from violence and abuse - you're making the right choice for you and your child. You're a survivor!!

@PyongyangKipperbang thank you for succinctly and effectively dismantling the victim blamers - amazing!

Original poster
CoffeeLover90 · 31/03/2022 08:32

I've had to call 101 again. He's still in custody but I'm chasing up giving a statement. Getting panicked now as they have until 5 to charge him, I've not given my statement yet as they'd said they'd come back

OP posts:
Inkanta · 31/03/2022 08:43

Well done Coffee - stay strong and determined. You will be a still shaken up - make yourself a coffee and bite to eat - take care of you and your little one. Hope the police are in touch soon

MaChienEstUnDick · 31/03/2022 08:51

Your safety has to be your priority today, even over and above giving a police statement. Who can help you get that door fixed, can you afford a locksmith? Do you have any handy friends? You cannot be in a situation when he can just walk in the back door.

BlackeyedSusan · 31/03/2022 08:52

Tell them he has threatened to kill you too.

Original poster
CoffeeLover90 · 31/03/2022 08:55

Don't worry, door is locked and secure. They just couldn't change the lock as a part inside handle is snapped, hard to explain but I've reported to landlord and asked he changes locks too. I've since found his set of keys in the door so doesn't have them, he had my keys on him when he was arrested which is worrying.

OP posts:
Original poster
CoffeeLover90 · 31/03/2022 08:57

He has his glasses, medication and phone etc still here so I'm expecting his family in touch to get those. I've asked my friend to be here when it's collected and if he's with them we'll be phoning the police.
I'd just feel a lot better once statement is done as I want a restraining order. It'll be better than nothing.

OP posts:
Original poster
CoffeeLover90 · 31/03/2022 08:58

@BlackeyedSusan

Tell them he has threatened to kill you too.
They know this already. They said they'd try to ring me when he's released but they may be busy. So I'm just as scared as yesterday.
OP posts:
MaChienEstUnDick · 31/03/2022 08:59

@CoffeeLover90

He has his glasses, medication and phone etc still here so I'm expecting his family in touch to get those. I've asked my friend to be here when it's collected and if he's with them we'll be phoning the police. I'd just feel a lot better once statement is done as I want a restraining order. It'll be better than nothing.
Bag those up and ask a third party to deliver them, or drop them off at the police station now. You don't want to be encouraging any contact with his family or him. Start drawing those boundaries now.
blobby10 · 31/03/2022 09:00

CoffeeLover90 please don't think of yourself as a 'fool' or an 'idiot'. With the wonderful benefit of hindsight we can all say we 'should' have done this or that but none of us can say for definite how we would or wouldn't act in a situation. What is important is what happens now - today, tomorrow and in the future. I have no experience of what you've been through and can't even imagine the terror and pain you must have felt. I hope that you get the love and support you deserve and need from those close to you and the authorities.

CoffeeLover90 · 31/03/2022 09:29

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

RonObvious · 31/03/2022 09:35

OP - just to warn you that you might want to get your last post deleted, as you have mentioned a name. Have reported it, so that it can be taken down.

MNHQ
KimMumsnet · 31/03/2022 09:39

Hi, OP. As the previous poster has noted, we think you might have accidentally included a bit of identifying info in your last post, so we have removed it for you now. Hope that's ok - feel free to repost without the name included.

Original poster
CoffeeLover90 · 31/03/2022 10:08

Sorry was a habit. I've rang sons nursery so neither his dad or his mother can collect him in future. The police have contacted his mam and asked she go through to station for 11. I don't understand what that means as I'm still waiting for police to come take my statement.

OP posts:
Notanotherwindow · 31/03/2022 10:29

OP I hate to say it but I think you need to prepare yourself for the fact that your dc may be taken into foster care. That may be what is taking so long, if they are having to apply for a court order.

Social services allowed you to keep residency on the condition that the relationship was over and you've broken that agreement.

This is a failure to safeguard your child and now he has been present for an extremely violent attack on you. As far as they are concerned, he isn't safe with you. They don't give many chances in these situations as it is the life of a child at risk.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 31/03/2022 10:34

@Notanotherwindow

OP I hate to say it but I think you need to prepare yourself for the fact that your dc may be taken into foster care. That may be what is taking so long, if they are having to apply for a court order.

Social services allowed you to keep residency on the condition that the relationship was over and you've broken that agreement.

This is a failure to safeguard your child and now he has been present for an extremely violent attack on you. As far as they are concerned, he isn't safe with you. They don't give many chances in these situations as it is the life of a child at risk.

This is ABSOLUTE BOLLOCKS Don't post such awful, scaremongering shit please
Notanotherwindow · 31/03/2022 10:42

Except it isn't shit.

I have seen this happen with children my aunt was fostering.

OP has said herself that the relationship ending was why her child was allowed to remain with her, on the condition of supervised access. She has breached this condition. The child has witnessed a horrific attack on his mother. It is entirely possible he will be removed to foster care or to a relative until a strategy meeting can be held to decide the best way of safeguarding him as OP has failed to do so.

MyDcAreMarvel · 31/03/2022 10:45

@CoffeeLover90 The police have contacted his mam and asked she go through to station for 11. I don't understand what that means as I'm still waiting for police to come take my statement.
I would guess that’s his interview time and she is his appropriate adult.

AHungryCaterpillar · 31/03/2022 10:46

I do agree that people shouldn’t downplay what has happened, the op got back with him knowing she could risk having her son removed. Ss will take a dim view on this. My sister use to work in a contact centre and she’s said of all the women that went their to visit their children they all had had them taken off them because they stayed with their violent partner so the children were removed. Nothing they had done personally but because they had put their relationship above their children.

Dumdeedahdumdeedo · 31/03/2022 10:47

OP I hate to say it but I think you need to prepare yourself for the fact that your dc may be taken into foster care. That may be what is taking so long, if they are having to apply for a court order

Ignore that OP. That isn't going to happen.

I was in a very very similar position eith the man I was with. I managed to end the relationship when my daughter was 12 months old, I got a restraining order..... then I stupidly slept with him once and fell pregnant ( i have pcos and id had 9 pregnancys and only had my DD, our first baby died 2 hours after he was born ) so in my stupid mind insaw my pregnancy with my son as a sign we were meant to be a happy family

I spent 17 monthd being abused even more and I couldn't tell anyone because of the restraining order

It all came to a head when he tried to kill me when my babies were 2.6 and 8 months old

The police got involved, I pressed charges, it went to court, he was found guilty and court ordered him not to contact or communicate with me or the children unless authorised by family court, social services and a soliciter

I moved 50 miles away from the town i grew up in and started a new life for me and my kids. It was lonely at first and such hard work but not a day goes by where I'm not grateful

You need to move OP. Womans aid and the council can help you whwn you explain your situation. Move away and start again and give you and your child the best chance of a happy life

SS were obviously involved with us and remiving my children was never mentioned despite the fact i had a secret relationship. I porved i was willing to keep ud dafe by moving and pressing charges. I urge you to do the same x

Dumdeedahdumdeedo · 31/03/2022 10:48

sorry about the mistypes

thisisscary · 31/03/2022 10:50

Sounds like they will be releasing him on bail to his mum because he’s not allowed to go back to your place.
Don’t panic over losing your little one. You have now protected him by ringing the police and wanting to press charges. Yes SS will be involved to make sure your boy is safe now and they will have to assess and monitor you but as long as you fully engage with them they won’t be removing your child. That’s a very last resort and not needed when he’s got a mum who is now stepping up to the plate to keep that bully out of his life. You must stay no contact with ex. Very important for your and your child.

Well done for leaving, I know how hard it is. I know all about staying because you’re too frightened to leave and staying to protect children from unsupervised access.

Take ALL the help offered to you, womens aid, SS, GP, police…. Call your GP today to log your injuries, also take photos of any bruising, broken phone/furniture etc.

You are strong and you can do this. His abusive behaviour is his fault. You are not to blame and you are not stupid. You’ve been scared and controlled. You will recover and rebuild a happy life for yourself and your sweet boy. You can do this Flowers