Partner assaulted me. Don't know where to turn

[CoffeeLover90]

I know I'm not unreasonable. Posted here as has most footfall. If you make it to the end well done.
Partner of 17 years assaulted me this afternoon. I called the police. He literally snapped my phone in half.
He's drank on and off (mostly on) for 2 years. The final straw was I over heard him talking to another girl, who he hasn't seen for 16 years, arranging to meet and start a relationship. I realized in that moment, I've been used. He's with me for a place to stay and for money. Nothing else. Which means he'll have no intention to stop drinking. When I pulled him on this he smothered me on the bed, punched me on the head, pushed me a lot. Threw my phone at me, the walls, stamped on it then finally hit over the banister so it snapped in half. Our son, 2 years old, was downstairs. I managed to grab my son and run to my friends over the road. I rang the police. He was arrested and took into the van as I was in the process of giving a statement. They left saying they'll come back once he's booked in. I've heard nothing since. I've called 101 to let them know I now have my SIM card on another phone. They said he was still in custody and I'd get a call. That was 2 hours ago.
I'm alone with the little one. I'm terrified. he'd said if I phoned police he will come and kill me once he's released.
I've never been so scared in my life.
I'm also worried about SS they were involved at sons birth and was signed off a few months later on the agreement the relationship did not continue and he would have supervised visits only. Due to previous violence.
I know I'm an absolute idiot for taking him back.

Great update OP, congratulations for finding the strength to move forward and build a better life for you and your son.
You’re amazing! Good luck with the future x

Thanks for the updates OP, your strength & determination shine through, your DS is lucky to have you. I'm sure this thread will help others who are struggling & are afraid to report abuse. Onwards & upwards

You are AMAZING. Just this.

I was going to update this on the one year anniversary, but few days won't make a difference. Maybe no one will read but it will feel therapeutic.
As a PP said 'today is the first day of the rest of your life' and as I said 'it ends today' It fucking did.
Let's get the update on the ex out the way - to be blunt, no idea. Also, give no shits. His side of the family, his mother was only one who really took time for DS and she died a couple of months after he was arrested so...
He was charged in October. No prison sentence, a 2 year restraining order (which I'll extend) and a HUGE fine of £150, which I get in instalments, just a smack in the face.
DS is absolutely fantastic. He's doing brilliant. No parent has been as proud as I feel. He's had his challenges, he was diagnosed ASD, but he's the loveliest little boy in the world. His 'father' made one attempt through SS to arrange access, they wouldn't waste their time on even assessing him and told him court would be best. Nothing since. His family had offered to supervise if he stayed sober but too much time has passed. He'd need to take me to court but he wouldn't waste the money.
Me - I've a new job! I've more money spare, I love my life now. The feeling of freedom never fails to amaze me. My family and friends have helped pull me through. I've had talking therapy and CBT. I decided not to complete the freedom programme yet, I'm not ready to waste time on anyone. If I choose to then I'll do the programme beforehand. I wasted 17 years, the best years of my life. I have my DS to show for that but I'll never, ever forgive myself for taking that c#nt back when DS was a baby. The therapy tried to change my views on that but I refuse. I failed my son and I'll spend every day of my life making it up to him.
If anyone does read this and you're in this situation, I can only ask you hold on. That moment will come, you'll just snap out of that trance. It'll hurt like hell when you realise but that hurt doesn't last. For me, I could feel it in my bones, this desire to see the rest of my life through without that dead weight waste of space holding on. And god it feels good.
Thank you to everyone of you for the comments here. From the bottom of my heart, thank you all.

That sounds like a great success story ,
go you

OP what a wonderful update.

Im so happy to hear you and your son are thriving. What a lucky boy to have you for a mother - strong and brave, intelligent and loving.

I understand about not forgiving yourself. It can take years to heal. I hope that you can set aside your guilt sometimes and allow yourself to also feel proud.

You did an immeasurably hard thing. You are amazing. X

Oh I may not forgive myself for that stupid mistake taking him back but I promise I'm proud of what I have done afterwards. I don't want to forgive myself, I want my mistake imprinted on my mind forever so the mistake is never repeated again.
Thank you to both of you for the kind words.

Thanks for updating! Bloody wonderful to hear you're doing so well. 😊

All the very best to you and your son 💐

I wish they would add a 'like' or 'reaction' button. Thank-you both for the kind words and encouragement. When the time is right you know it.
I'm having the most amazing time in my boring life. But I'd rather be boring than where I was a year ago.

Glad you're both safe & thriving. Shocking sentence though

It's a complete joke. I made it clear I wanted a restraining order with no end date. I didn't care about anything else so to get that was shocking. Although he hasn't breached, I'm hopeful I can at least get an injunction in future. But if he's stupid enough to come back to my door I'll be ringing 999 as taking no chances.

that sentence hurts my brain, the minimum penalty for speeding is a £100 fine and 3 penalty points added to your licence.

Well done you as my mother used to say I award you the CDM (which stands for Cadbury's dairy milk) you're doing great

What a brilliant saying. Make mine a caramel CDM 😋
Seriously though, wasn't about the money for me. I made it very clear I was only interested in a life long restraining order. I've no doubt I'll have to report him to police again in future and I'd much rather he not get the chance to inflict further harm. The only thing keeping him away are the orders. I'll ask for another as the time gets close and hope for the best.

And yet we still get the "Justice" system insisting that there is no inherent sexism in the system.......the law is literally an ass.

But go you!

Huge congratulations on how far you have come. But I would reconsider the Freedom Programme. It isnt just about making sure you dont go there again, its about how you found yourself in that situation in the first place. It teaches you how insidious these people are. How they worm their way in, how they they spot vulnerabilities that you dont even know you have. It really helps in the self forgiveness because you realise that rather than making independent decisions, you were manipulated from day one. You are still blaming yourself because that is what you (and I, all of us who went through this) did. If I didnt do X/Y/Z then he wouldnt hit me. If I did X/Y/Z then he would be nicer, he wouldnt shout.....its all my fault. Reinforced by the man you think you cannot live without telling you that things would be perfect if you werent so shit.

Well done OP, proud to know you, my story is similar to yours. It’s nearly five years since I escaped and life gets better and better. And yes, the sense of freedom and peace is fantastic. PyongyangKipperbang is right in what she says above, you need to understand how this happened so that you can make the right choices in the future. I hope life treats you and your little one well from now on

Ah thank you both. I have had therapy with an aim of self forgiveness but it's no use. It was helpful in all other ways though. I don't blame myself for what he did to us, I blame myself for allowing him back. I allowed him to come back knowing there was no way he could change into a normal human being. I'll always carry that with me but it's made me a better parent, I think, as I'm always striving to make it up to my son. He's thriving now so thankfully there may be no lasting damage and I got him away from us early enough.

Just read your thread, @CoffeeLover90 and I'm so pleased that you managed to get and stay away.

It's great to read your updates, and I thank you for taking the time to write them because I often wonder what happened to people who start a thread and then never come back with any kind of conclusion.

You should be proud of yourself for all you've achieved; and for showing your son that you don't tolerate being treated badly.

I've had some experience working as a volunteer with dv and I know how hard it can be to leave..... to feel you deserve better.
I'm so glad you found that strength 💪🏽 ❤️ and that you've moved onwards and upwards.

Congratulations on your new life 💐

@Cantthinkof1rightnow Thank you for the kind words. Things just keeping going from good to great here, should have done it years ago! I read threads on here, where people are going through it, and I always beg, plead them to leave.

@CoffeeLover90 that's so great to hear. I am so glad you are in a happier, better, safer place. You deserve your happiness and freedom, ever moment of it. xx

I like to come back to this thread when i make turning points, I don't recognise the woman who made the thread.
If no one reads it still helps me to say (again) I'm such a different person now.
I got a pay rise! A 9k a year pay rise cos I worked like a dog. I'm on the best wage I've ever had and not a penny is wasted (of course there's the odd bottle of of wine).
I've booked a holiday, my first foreign holiday as an adult, and a weekend in the lake district later this year.
I've started driving lessons, I've recently passed my theory.
DS is amazing. He's come on leaps and bounds.
I completed the freedom programme online. I recognised traits of the ex in all the personalities. I know what my boundaries are. But I'm in no position to start a relationship, mostly lack of childcare and partly nerves. If I feel like it's worth the effort I can hire babysitters but I'm still enjoying my own company.

@CoffeeLover90 So glad to read that things are on the up and going so well for you OP. keep going x

❤

Well done you brilliant woman! What a wonderful update - proud of you and I don’t even know you!!

I've just read this entire thread. You are an amazing woman and a fantastic role model to your son. Keep it up, you have won x