Partner assaulted me. Don't know where to turn

[CoffeeLover90]

I know I'm not unreasonable. Posted here as has most footfall. If you make it to the end well done.
Partner of 17 years assaulted me this afternoon. I called the police. He literally snapped my phone in half.
He's drank on and off (mostly on) for 2 years. The final straw was I over heard him talking to another girl, who he hasn't seen for 16 years, arranging to meet and start a relationship. I realized in that moment, I've been used. He's with me for a place to stay and for money. Nothing else. Which means he'll have no intention to stop drinking. When I pulled him on this he smothered me on the bed, punched me on the head, pushed me a lot. Threw my phone at me, the walls, stamped on it then finally hit over the banister so it snapped in half. Our son, 2 years old, was downstairs. I managed to grab my son and run to my friends over the road. I rang the police. He was arrested and took into the van as I was in the process of giving a statement. They left saying they'll come back once he's booked in. I've heard nothing since. I've called 101 to let them know I now have my SIM card on another phone. They said he was still in custody and I'd get a call. That was 2 hours ago.
I'm alone with the little one. I'm terrified. he'd said if I phoned police he will come and kill me once he's released.
I've never been so scared in my life.
I'm also worried about SS they were involved at sons birth and was signed off a few months later on the agreement the relationship did not continue and he would have supervised visits only. Due to previous violence.
I know I'm an absolute idiot for taking him back.

@Notanotherwindow

Except it isn't shit.

I have seen this happen with children my aunt was fostering.

OP has said herself that the relationship ending was why her child was allowed to remain with her, on the condition of supervised access. She has breached this condition. The child has witnessed a horrific attack on his mother. It is entirely possible he will be removed to foster care or to a relative until a strategy meeting can be held to decide the best way of safeguarding him as OP has failed to do so.

It is shit. I'm a social work manager. If they were making an emergency application they would have been in contact with OP but they would not be making an emergency court application for an incident like this where the perpetrator is in the cells

Such an irresponsible post. Based on one family your aunt was fostering whose circumstances you didn't fully understand.

@AHungryCaterpillar

I do agree that people shouldn’t downplay what has happened, the op got back with him knowing she could risk having her son removed. Ss will take a dim view on this. My sister use to work in a contact centre and she’s said of all the women that went their to visit their children they all had had them taken off them because they stayed with their violent partner so the children were removed. Nothing they had done personally but because they had put their relationship above their children.

Yes, but they aren't removed as punishment for mums making bad decisions only when there is ONGOING and EVIDENCED risk of harm. If the mother takes every possible action to safeguard the child after an incident then nobody will be removing the child. They may put a child protection plan in place and if this isn't followed they could go to court in future but immediately it's about safeguarding not removing.

They may have asked his mother to attend to be his Appropriate Adult during the interview. Appropriate Adults are volunteers, they use anyone they can get.

You did the right thing getting this vile man arrested, but now it's time to cut him out for good, or you will (rightly) lose your child. They cannot risk him being around such a dangerous man (and you surely don't want him to be). Make that mature decision and start afresh with your son.

"Yes, but they aren't removed as punishment for mums making bad decisions only when there is ONGOING and EVIDENCED risk of harm."

Absolutely. Onwards and upwards for the OP.

SS were obviously involved with us and remiving my children was never mentioned despite the fact i had a secret relationship. I porved i was willing to keep ud dafe by moving and pressing charges. I urge you to do the same x

Exactly the point I'm trying to make. Forewarned is forearmed. All SS want to do is protect the child. OP hasn't done that. But if she knows ahead of time, all the possible outcomes then she has time to prepare and present exactly how she will prevent this happening again. I'm not being nasty, I'm being practical.

It's no good keep going Oh that won't happen, don't worry. It can and does happen and its better if it isnt a bolt out of the blue. I'm speaking from a childhood of experience with numerous foster cousins.

Her son is safe now, with his father at the police station, nothing is going to happen this second but she is going to have to prove that she can keep him safe from his father because this time that hasn't happened. Not her fault but she has to take responsibility for preventing a repeat performance and sometimes temporary foster care is a part of that.

@CoffeeLover90

The police just rang. He's staying in all night. He'd been in hospital all afternoon (didn't ask, don't care) they hadn't interviewed as in no fit state and needs an appropriate adult as he has a learning difficulty. I've already contacted wearside women in need and they opened a case. Police already said they need to contact SS. If I haven't heard from them by Friday morning I will contact them myself and continue to contact every day if I need to. I don't want to live in fear anymore but please understand he threatened to kill me if I had him removed, I felt trapped. Police involved would mean SS I knew that but I just had no choice today. I could have been killed for god's sake. I'm shaken, in shock, terrified but determined. I'll not waste any more of my time. I will not let my son think this is ok. It ends today.

You are being brave. It’s difficult to leave someone who is threatening your life it’s a shame people are so judgy about that. Use ss to help you leave and remain away, ask police for a panic button or you can flee dv by presenting as homeless at the council or calling refuge. Don’t ever under estimate just how much you have been through and what matters is you DID call the police and get out.

I’m so sorry you have had to go through this again. If your social worker is worth their Salt then they will know about coercive control and understand that the ‘just leave him’ line is not black and white. Having said that, not all social workers are knowledgable when it comes to domestic abuse and for this reason it is really important that you have some support from someone who is. Please google the woman’s centre in Cornwall and call them up. They will help you and your son. If you can’t get through get on the phone to woman’s aid and they will assist. My mum escaped an abuser after 8 years. It took a long time and a lot of work but in the end we lived a safe happy life and she went on to save hundreds of women’s lives. Sending love and strength. Things will get better xx

OP, you will need to apply for an Order of Protection which is UK version of restraining order. Do this ASAP so he has to stay away. You'll also want to get ball rolling on establishing yourself as primary carer for your son legally.

Call Womans Aid for free legal resources and do it as a priority so SS see that you are proactive and serious about keeping him away.

Once those legal protections are in place, you'll have some breathing room.

When you do give your statement to police, don't hold back especially on the part where he smothered you.

Good luck, you can do this, brave mama!

I’m not the one that said ss would come in and take the child away immediately, I’m stating that the op has already lied to ss and got back with him, that will not go down well, she needs to now demonstrate to them that she absolutely will never go back to him and they will not trust her given that fact she had previously lied so she should expect to have involvement from them for quite a while until they are satisfied that she will protect her child and not go back to this man again.

I daresay you thought he would be OK/was prepared to change/had changed, when you took him back, op. I've known that happen in many cases and the partner often reverts to type. I also understand how manipulative such people can be.

I'm so sorry, you must be terrified. Surely the police will not release him as he has threatened to kill you; I doubt he would carry out the threat but it still frightening situation.

Someone should get back to you soon, you can't be expected to hang about like this. Is there anywhere you can go, eg stay with parents, for a while? I read you cannot stay with friends. You must ensure that this man is out of your life, you are safe where you live and he can't get in. I hope you have a bit of emergency money to hand.

Keep us up to date.

Op... You need to work with SS..

regardless of what happens next you have done the right thing. It is very hard for people who have not been in it to understand but SS will see a risk of you returning to him again because that is what you have done previously.

Have you done the freedom program.. sign up for it now if you haven't. it also wouldn't be bad to revisit it again if you have...

You need to do everything SS say without question..

I will say as someone who was in your poistion my DS who i thought I had protected physically relaxed despit been only 10 months old when we moved into the refuge.. Children are damaged by living in that situation.

Also do give yourself time to process what you have been through.

I agree with PP - you cannot deceive or dissemble with SS because if you do they will consider there to be a risk you will return. You were away from him for a significant amount of time before going back last time, so that will also be a red flag to them.

You need to do everything in your power to convince them there will be no going back any circumstances. I agree relocating may help show determination on this.

I'm not sure where you're based, but my local council helped me move away from my abuser. They have a service which is basically a local woman's aid. Who moved me and secures my property with security cameras and anti climb spikes and paint incase he found my address. Maybe worth asking the police if something similar is on offer in your area as its the police who referred me x

@Springhassprung86

Wow. Sorry you’ve been through this OP. But I can’t believe you put your relationship with this man before your own son by lying to social services. They will absolutely be back involved now as you’ve lied to them and failed to safeguard him. I hope you have good support around you.

This

Update- Thank you again everyone for your advice and support.
Police have been and taken my statement. The chances are he will be released with bail conditions as his mam has agreed to him staying at hers. Even though she'd said this morning she couldn't have him back there. Either way, statement made. Pressing charges for assault, criminal damage and the threats he made.
Then social worker rang. Lovely woman. I explained full story. Explained what an idiot I've been. She asked would I engage with them and of course I agreed. She does need to arrange a visit for assessment but will not suggest anything as high as a protection plan (this is what he was on before) as I was open and honest, the police said DS was healthy, happy and taken care of. There's been no concerns raised to them before from nursery or any professional in the time he was living here. Not sure if someone just shows up or if I get it arranged but I feel better I have a plan in place. Moving forward now.

Well done @CoffeeLover90
I bet that you are shattered!

Sending you every good wish for a safe and happy future with your little one, @CoffeeLover90. There will be some tough moments ahead, but you can do this.

Keep going, you'll get there. xx

@TabithaTittlemouse

Well done *@CoffeeLover90* I bet that you are shattered!

You'd think I would be but no. I've a drive I've never felt before. If it wasn't for the physical pain I'm in I would have already emptied every possession of his out the house.

Wishing you all the best OP, stay strong and take all the support and help that you can get.

OP that's pure adrenaline, when it runs out, you'll be exhausted, and then be kind to yourself.

Well done OP, you’re incredibly strong❤️

In moments like this, you need to treat yourself as you would do to your best friend: empathy, compassion, encouragement and wisdom. Try to not beat yourself up for past mistakes, there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. Instead, try to think about what advice you would offer to someone else in that situation. Think analytically, assess your options so when SS visits you (as by now, you know they will), they will see a focused and responsible mother, not a mess. Be prepared and willing to relocate. All the best.

@CoffeeLover90 have you been checked out?

Please stop frightening OP over SS.
That might drive her back.
She needs a refuge, counselling, and a fresh start.