Partner assaulted me. Don't know where to turn

[CoffeeLover90]

I know I'm not unreasonable. Posted here as has most footfall. If you make it to the end well done.
Partner of 17 years assaulted me this afternoon. I called the police. He literally snapped my phone in half.
He's drank on and off (mostly on) for 2 years. The final straw was I over heard him talking to another girl, who he hasn't seen for 16 years, arranging to meet and start a relationship. I realized in that moment, I've been used. He's with me for a place to stay and for money. Nothing else. Which means he'll have no intention to stop drinking. When I pulled him on this he smothered me on the bed, punched me on the head, pushed me a lot. Threw my phone at me, the walls, stamped on it then finally hit over the banister so it snapped in half. Our son, 2 years old, was downstairs. I managed to grab my son and run to my friends over the road. I rang the police. He was arrested and took into the van as I was in the process of giving a statement. They left saying they'll come back once he's booked in. I've heard nothing since. I've called 101 to let them know I now have my SIM card on another phone. They said he was still in custody and I'd get a call. That was 2 hours ago.
I'm alone with the little one. I'm terrified. he'd said if I phoned police he will come and kill me once he's released.
I've never been so scared in my life.
I'm also worried about SS they were involved at sons birth and was signed off a few months later on the agreement the relationship did not continue and he would have supervised visits only. Due to previous violence.
I know I'm an absolute idiot for taking him back.

@CoffeeLover90 if you need a chat, DM me.
I'm no judgement and very aware of these situations.
You've done the best thing you can for now xx

Really relieved to hear this OP.

Just as an aside though on the subject of supervised access. Do NOT be pressured into supervising it yourself. You want it held at a contact centre with a proper supervisor. Not at a relatives house or your house or in a softplay. Contact centre.

Give him no opportunity to intimidate you, whether in person or by proxy. God knows you have grounds to request this.

Thank you. I feel better after speaking with SS and posting this.

@CoffeeLover90

That's exactly what it's like. You forget any other way of living, self esteem is so low you believe you deserve it, you believe it can't get worse it'll get better. I'd be here all day with the excuses I came up with but yesterday something snapped in my head. He's wanted this all along really. Well he got it. He'll have to start from scratch. I have my boy, house, job and (ask anyone) I'm lovely. Even if he was clean and sober he would never ever be on the same level as me. He tried to knock my self esteem down it didn't work, with every insult I thought 'no, I'm the opposite' He won't even get to know my achievements from now on. My son will. F the lot of them.

You're doing brilliantly - so just keep on doing that.

Do make sure you get some counselling, it's really helpful.

I left my abusive xh 20-ish years ago after many years of abuse, so you're already doing better than me!! Counselling really helped me to sort myself out and helped to not be with someone like that ever again.

Hi CoffeeLover90,

We're so sorry you're going through this.

We can see you're getting lots of good advice and support from other Mumsnetters and that you've spoken to the police and your local women's support organisation by now, but we just thought we'd add some links to organisations which can give you some more help in real life.

First of all, here's a link to our domestic violence webguide.

If you ever feel that you're in immediate danger again, call 999. If you’re unable to speak to the operator, press 55 when prompted, to let them know you need help.

We can see that other Mumsnetters have suggested that you contact Women's Aid and we'd absolutely second that advice. Their 24-hour helpline number is 0808 2000 247, and they have an online online chat support service which operates 8am - 6pm weekdays, and 10:00am - 6pm on weekends.

It's also worth checking out the Freedom Programme - we know it's helped many MNers over the years, so please click on the link.

We really hope you and your DS are okay, OP.

You've done so well since this happened. Take some pride in that.

Do make an appointment with the GP though so your injuries are documented. Even if you need to bring DS with you.

Big hugs CL

Have you had an update yet? I used to be a DV cop and I think it sounds likely (as you updated) that he’ll be bailed pending a CPS decision on charging (assuming you’re in England or Wales as it’s a bit different in Scotland) He’d only be charged today if he’s considered too much risk to release as he wouldn’t attend court

Do you have any visible injuries? Or if any come out in the next day or so, you need to update the police so they can get them photographed

Assuming he denies all in interview (did he last time?) then just keep in mind the CPS may not have enough evidence to charge. A RO is only granted by the criminal courts so it may just be worth looking into a non molestation order, which is in effect the same thing but granted by the family court. They’re free if you can do the forms online yourself - and you sound more than articulate to do that you’re only charged if you engage a solicitor to do that bit

As for SS, it sounds like you’ve had a positive first experience already, but I’d be absolutely astonished if your child was taken into care! Why would they when you’ve made one error of judgment? Just be honest with them, say you were an ‘idiot’ (your word not mine!) but you’ve learned from it and are moving on

As for the poster with the auntie who knows otherwise, auntie should be ashamed for using her children’s circumstances for family tittle tattle

All the best CL - hope you get the support you need

Thank you all. This has been very helpful. I called GP but they won't see me as it's an injury. I'd need to go to hospital or walk in. I don't think it's anything serious, just sore. He's been released to his mother house. Not far from me. Unfortunately not certain she will call the police if he made threats to come here. He's told police he doesn't remember anything, even though he was shown photos of my snapped phone and bruised face. Hopefully the bail conditions are enough to keep him away.

He's told police he doesn't remember anything, even though he was shown photos of my snapped phone and bruised face

That old chestnut

I’m ‘glad’ (as in not glad it happened but got evidence) that they have those pictures. That and your 999 call (presumably it was pretty much immediately after it happened?) will be compelling. They may also get a statement from your friend, if she’s willing, to describe your demeanour.

I wish these men would just admit what they did and save everyone a lot of time and upset

IME a lot hang on for court, assuming the woman won’t turn up. When/if the woman does, a lot change their plea to guilty quite sharpish.

I called GP but they won't see me as it's an injury. I'd need to go to hospital or walk in. I don't think it's anything serious, just sore.

Then go to a minor injuries walk-in service. You need it documented, you need checked there is nothing more than you think, and you need proper pain relief.

Agree with PP about going to a walk in. It’s not about whether you can manage without going, it’s about having it documented by a health professional that you have been injured.

It's having the little one looked after while I'm there. I don't want to be away from him at the moment. I don't want to be out as I'm waiting for SS to visit too. I need to go to GP anyway as I'm going to need a fit note. I'm not in right frame of mind to work and I'll need to arrange childcare for returning. While there I'll mention it and take any medical advice but it is feeling a lot better after rest and painkillers.

It's really important you get it checked out and documented, @CoffeeLover90

I took my late dp back so many times despite him attacking me several times including punching me in the face while I was driving, trying to force the car in to a brick wall by grabbing the steering wheel & trying to strangle me. It wasn't until one night when he beat me up really badly when we were in bed that I finally threw him out & didn't take him back. After all that I still was with him at the hospital when he passed away. Please stick to your guns & don't take him back no matter what he promises, my ds was 6 - 10 during the time I was with him & it still affects him really badly at 18, he is very nervous of anything involving violence. You don't know how much effect it can have on children.

You could take your little one to A&E with you, op, if he's tired he'll fall asleep lying across the seats if he is warm; tell SS you will be out for a while and where so they don't call round at that time.

However going to the GP will be something, he or she will document your injury and you say the police took a photograph.

Good luck.

How are things, OP?

@elliesmummy19

How are things, OP?

Thank you again to you all. I'm feeling a little better, still scared partly. But still determined. I've now told my family what's happened. I've referred my self to Women in need and a safety plan is in place (they're equivalent to women aid in my area). I'm not in as much pain. His mother and stepfather asked to come round for stuff, say A, B and C but when they arrived also wanted D and E. I said ok, here you go now, give me time to get everything together and then get it picked up. After they left she rang and said oh we forgot to get F, G and H but will have to get those tomorrow now. So, first thing tomorrow I'm going to the local shops and getting some empty boxes. Every single possession, photo etc is getting packed up. They're getting a time limit to pick it all up (I'll be reasonable, maybe 2 weeks?) Or we'll be having a lovely bonfire.

Excellent, coffeelover You're doing well.

You can't burn his stuff even if they don't collect it within the timescale you give thembut box it up as you say and ask his relatives to take it all.asap

Keep moving forward you are a warrior now.
Be strong and grow that strength, this is a new beginning embrace it xxxxxx
You can be a victim and a fighter and one day your story may help someone else in the same situation x

@RedHelenB

You can't burn his stuff even if they don't collect it within the timescale you give thembut box it up as you say and ask his relatives to take it all.asap

I appreciate your advice and I agree a bon fire would make me as bad as him so I won't. But what would I do if it's not collected? I think my worry is it's being used as an excuse to collect things little and often, giving the way they were yesterday. His mother made out she had no where to put this stuff but that's not my problem. Once everything is packed up Im not going to take through bags and boxes for specific things. I want every trace of him gone.

Dump it on their doorstep!
Nothing to do with you anymore!

@Cinders15

Dump it on their doorstep! Nothing to do with you anymore!

There's furniture such as computer desk, cabinet etc and a garage full of tools and general rubbish I don't want. I'm not capable of taking all that there and don't drive.