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Original poster

Partner assaulted me. Don't know where to turn

241 replies

CoffeeLover90 · 30/03/2022 23:16

I know I'm not unreasonable. Posted here as has most footfall. If you make it to the end well done.
Partner of 17 years assaulted me this afternoon. I called the police. He literally snapped my phone in half.
He's drank on and off (mostly on) for 2 years. The final straw was I over heard him talking to another girl, who he hasn't seen for 16 years, arranging to meet and start a relationship. I realized in that moment, I've been used. He's with me for a place to stay and for money. Nothing else. Which means he'll have no intention to stop drinking. When I pulled him on this he smothered me on the bed, punched me on the head, pushed me a lot. Threw my phone at me, the walls, stamped on it then finally hit over the banister so it snapped in half. Our son, 2 years old, was downstairs. I managed to grab my son and run to my friends over the road. I rang the police. He was arrested and took into the van as I was in the process of giving a statement. They left saying they'll come back once he's booked in. I've heard nothing since. I've called 101 to let them know I now have my SIM card on another phone. They said he was still in custody and I'd get a call. That was 2 hours ago.
I'm alone with the little one. I'm terrified. he'd said if I phoned police he will come and kill me once he's released.
I've never been so scared in my life.
I'm also worried about SS they were involved at sons birth and was signed off a few months later on the agreement the relationship did not continue and he would have supervised visits only. Due to previous violence.
I know I'm an absolute idiot for taking him back.

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 31/03/2022 00:32

I have been where you are, I took back my abuser and suffered for it.

Be honest with SS, and be guided by them. They will understandably be wary of you saying you wont have him back, but as long as you can prove that you mean it then eventually it will be ok. You need to insist on contact being in a contact centre, DO NOT agree to contact being supervised by his family. They may well be good people who will do the right thing but equally they may not, the fact is that they are HIS family so may feel that they should side with him. He may bully and abuse them too in order to get what he wants, its not worth the risk. Push and push for the restraining order.

Get as much support as you can, tell everyone what he did. I hadnt done this before but I have since the last time it happened and what a difference it made! I got so much support and meant that I didnt feel so isolated as I had before, which had made me more at risk of taking him back. When I knew that all of my friends and family loathed him for what he had done, that they were behind me standing up to him, that I had there support in those first months of being alone, I was so much braver and sure of my decision than I had been in the past.

Feel free to PM me if you want to talk off the board, happy to listen and help if I can.

AHungryCaterpillar · 31/03/2022 00:33

You don’t need contact with his family I’m sorry but you don’t That is an excuse, to cut him out you have to cut them out as well.

TabithaTittlemouse · 31/03/2022 00:35

Remember how you feel tonight, come back to this post whenever you doubt yourself.

Have the police said about victim support?

Look after yourself op.

Original poster
CoffeeLover90 · 31/03/2022 00:37

Thank you so much for the reply but I'm so sorry you have been in this position. Well done for fighting your way out.
Visitation wasn't even on my mind to be honest. I feel like he doesn't care anyway. If he pushes and SS think it's best I don't push him, then it will be contact centre only. That's more than fair.

OP posts:
newfriend05 · 31/03/2022 00:38

This reply has been deleted

This post has been removed as it's not in the spirit of the site.

TabithaTittlemouse · 31/03/2022 00:40

Did you get your injuries checked out?

PyongyangKipperbang · 31/03/2022 00:41

You must try and forgive yourself.

What a lot of people who have never lived with an abuser dont understand is how manipulative they are.

I explain it to friends as "Frightened to stay but too terrified to leave".

When you are with them there is (to a point) a certain level of control we feel, we can sense the mood, try to head it off, try to distract, its like having a toddler that you know is going to have a tantrum. But when they are not there.....you just dont know. You dont know if or when they will turn up, what state they will be in, what they will do.....

We all know that a woman who is in an abusive relationship is most at risk as or just after she leaves. That is exactly what happened here, he knew he was losing his victim and he attacked.

They break us down to the point where we think that they are the best we can do, that we deserve what they do to us, that we cannot break free. They lie, bully, manipulate, control, beat until we cant think straight and mentally we dont have the strength to keep them away.

I, like you, needed the police to get him out and keep him out. I knew that SS would take the kids if I didnt keep him out and that was what I needed to keep my resolve strong.

If you had met me 4 years ago you wouldnt know I was the same woman, now.....I am EPIC! And you will be too :) Flowers

PyongyangKipperbang · 31/03/2022 00:45

And to all those having a go about her taking him back, I suggest you read the information freely available about how many times it takes a woman to leave.

The AVERAGE is seven. So that means that some leave after the first instance and some after the 15th or 50th......its the average.

If it was so fucking easy there would be NO abused women. Stop spouting such victim blaming crap.

claretblue79 · 31/03/2022 00:51

@PyongyangKipperbang. Just wanted to say great posts. OP, I really hope you get the support you need and good luck to you

Original poster
CoffeeLover90 · 31/03/2022 00:55

Thank you so much for your kindness. I appreciate everyone's comments. I agree with them, in my original post I confirm I am an idiot. I have to live with that.
What I didn't mention is that I work, I keep a clean house, my boy has everything he wants and needs, he's fed, warm and loved. His nursery have commented numerous times on how happy and kind he is so he must get a lot of love and patience at home. That's all down to ME. Even with all this going on I managed to do everything else right and I hope they can take this into account. They can monitor, every day, move a social worker in if you have to but I can't lose the only reason I have to live.

OP posts:
TabithaTittlemouse · 31/03/2022 00:56

@PyongyangKipperbang you are epic

PyongyangKipperbang · 31/03/2022 00:59

@TabithaTittlemouse Thank you, we all are :)

@claretblue79 Thank you, but just wondering....West Ham or Aston Villa?!

PyongyangKipperbang · 31/03/2022 01:02

@CoffeeLover90

I was helped by some amazing women on MN when I was going through this. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done, and those strong women who had trodden the path before me, were there for me and I hold those women in my heart for their kindness.

They told me, when I didnt even think I could get through another day, that one day I would be a proud strong woman like them. I didnt believe them, but they were right. You will be that woman too xx

Ownedbymycats · 31/03/2022 01:07

You need to get medical evidence of your injuries, prioritise this tomorrow.

Original poster
CoffeeLover90 · 31/03/2022 01:08

Thank you all. I'm in tears. I hate that people have been through this.
I will take any support out there. I'll come out the other side.
Thank god at a time when my son won't remember and won't be haunted by this.
I feel so weak and drained but I feel a determination, something I didn't feel last time.

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 31/03/2022 01:12

@Ownedbymycats

You need to get medical evidence of your injuries, prioritise this tomorrow.
Totally agree with this.

And keep an eye on your little one. He may not remember it in contex but that isnt to say that he wont have memories of fear or worry, and that may come out in other ways so just be aware of it. DD was (I thought) too little but she has a real fear of angry shouting, a couple having a row in Ikea carpark (the traditional place!) had her in tears very recently. So just bear it in mind Flowers

BlackeyedSusan · 31/03/2022 01:12

and sometimes women stay as other wise the kid will be on their own with the abuser as contact is given in court. if you stay you can make sure the abuiuser is never alone with the child.

and sometimes women stay as they are threatened that their pets, themselves or their child will be killed if they leave.

and sometimes women stay because they have been punched in the head so often that they begin to lose cognitive ability.

BlackeyedSusan · 31/03/2022 01:14

2 year olds do remember dv. at least for a little bit. ds was 2.5 and remembered where it had happened as he would mention it if we passed the same spot in the car.

PyongyangKipperbang · 31/03/2022 01:15

@BlackeyedSusan

Absolutely.

People having a go at the OP remind me of non parents telling parents what they are doing wrong. Walk a mile in someone elses shoes before you judge them.

claretblue79 · 31/03/2022 01:16

@PyongyangKipperbang. Neither, the mighty iron(although not so much this season) Scunthorpe United!

BlackeyedSusan · 31/03/2022 01:20

I think it is something like 35 incidents of DV before women leave. (at least it used to be)

It's like a boiling frog. turn up the heat slowly and you are enmeshed by the time you realise you need to leave and it is too late.

PyongyangKipperbang · 31/03/2022 01:23

@claretblue79

Due to the nature of the thread, I am not going post what I am thinking, but I think you have probably already heard it!

@BlackeyedSusan Its so true. You believe them at the beginning when they say that they have never done it before, that it was your fault because of what you said or did, that it was in drink......and then you cant make excuses anymore but you realise that you are in real danger and like you say, its too late.

BlackeyedSusan · 31/03/2022 01:37

because you have small children and have given up woork and lost contact with your friends and moved to be with him and probably not seen your family for a while either as... (insert spurious reason he thinks of)

and he tells you he will take the children off you and tell the social that you hurt the children.

Nat6999 · 31/03/2022 02:18

Speak to your local council & ask if they run a sanctuary scheme, my council put extra locks, outside lights with motion sensors & alarms on my windows when I left my exh after dv. Otherwise can you have a bolt put on the door that the lock hasn't been changed? Your oh will have as part of his bail conditions that he can't come near you or your home & when it comes to court he may get an order that stops him from contacting you. Could you afford some cheap cameras or a ring doorbell so if he does appear you have proof for the police? You can have a tag put on your phone numbers which would mean if you dialled 999 you are a priority for response.

freesoul12 · 31/03/2022 02:36

You are brave lady OP.

Don't worry too much about ss , i dont think you will lose custody for this. they will be involved to monitor the situation if you ever decide to go back with him which you are nt. so dont worry. people changed , mental health get worse especially over covid plus he never hit you before. so they cant blame you for this. People who are violent are very manipulative too. Going forward your son is your utmost priority.

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