Who is being unreasonable? (If anyone!)

[Specter123]

John and Jane have been together for 6ish years. They bought a house together 2 years ago - no DC yet and not married.

John has had a tough time during the pandemic. He started a new job, had a falling out with the manager and left without a job to go to. He has also been diagnosed with a mental health condition during the pandemic and is now medicated but still working out the right dose etc.

Jane has worked throughout the pandemic. She has picked up John's share of the housework while everything has been going on and is now the sole breadwinner. She is also a carer for an elderly parent. She does however work from home pretty much permanently now.

John has now decided he does not see himself back in paid employment for at least another year so he can get himself straight, find new coping mechanisms and pursue a complete career change. He has savings to continue to pay his share for approx another 2 months. He has been paying towards the bills since he left employment (albeit, at a reduced rate) but these savings are now running out. Jane brings home a reasonable salary, enough to run the household without a contribution although things would be very tight.

Jane feels like she is carrying the load solo and sees this as evidence that what she assumed would be a short term thing is now becoming long term, unilaterally decided by John.

John is hurt by this and sees it as Jane being selfish and unsupportive. He honestly believes that a career change is necessary to protect his mental health and that he would be much better suited to this other career.

YABU - Jane is unreasonable
YANBU - John is unreasonable

Is John going to contribute more to the household over the retraining period in terms of housework etc or will Jane be expected to carry the full load?

Does Jane think he needs a career change or is she willing to support him short term for longer term gain?

I'd be inclined to think John needs to start to contribute to housework/cooking etc. if I felt it was going to see him better and he had a plan then I'd make an end date and see it through. If I thought he was taking the piss and he was a changer then that's a sign we shouldn't be together.

Jane works 40 hours for cash.
John should do 40 hours worth of house work.

That's even.

If there is mental health problems so bad he can't do housework, then hospitalisation would be necessary.
My bet is he's a lazy fucker using mental health problems to become a cock lodger.

Jane needs to leave John before she’s bankrupted by him! John isn’t magically going to get a job in a brand new career after 12 months of unemployment and mental health problems. Slippery slope, Jane needs to get out while the house is still being paid 5050.

I’d be advising Jane to think carefully about the future of this relationship.

Incidentally regardless of anything John shouldn't be foisting any decision on Jane- they should be partners. He should be suggesting, requesting, asking etc.

Actually no I've changed my mind completely upon reflection. It doesn't matter how stressful John’s job was or what his plans are or how much Jane believes in him and his plan. In a partnership he should be approaching her with his solution in date as of deciding anything along. So the fact he didn't do that tells me everything I need to know about John.

John should be doing the housework and some low stress paid work. John wants to protect his mental health but at the expense of his partner who he expects to pick up his share whilst caring for elderly parents which is a job in itself. What support is john providing to jane while she also goes through a difficult time?

*in a partnership he should be approaching her with a solution to discuss instead of deciding anything alone.

Jane...the hills are that way! 👉

John says he wants to contribute more to the house and hopes having this time out of employment would help give him the space to get on top of his health in order to be able to do it.

John says Jane would feel differently if he'd be diagnosed with something physical like cancer and this attitude is actually discriminatory towards mental health problems.

John needs to do much more of the household chores and give himself a few months to get on track. He doesn't get to decide that he needs a whole year off. He needs to realise that Jane is supporting him financially to do this. Jane needs to give him time to get better and support him whilst he works on this as long as he is actively doing so.

I'd be telling him to get a job, pay his own way or leave.

As PP said it's a slippery slope that is unlikely to end in a year. I certainly wouldn't have children with him.

Could you buy him out of the house?

There is no reason why John can’t do his share of housework. What does he actually do all day?

@cushioncovers

John needs to do much more of the household chores and give himself a few months to get on track. He doesn't get to decide that he needs a whole year off. He needs to realise that Jane is supporting him financially to do this. Jane needs to give him time to get better and support him whilst he works on this as long as he is actively doing so.

What does that support to someone with mental health problems look like to you?

John is welcome to a year off. He can go and find somewhere else to live and self fund it.

MH issues don't mean you can do no housework. What is he doing all day?

@Specter123

John says he wants to contribute more to the house and hopes having this time out of employment would help give him the space to get on top of his health in order to be able to do it.

John says Jane would feel differently if he'd be diagnosed with something physical like cancer and this attitude is actually discriminatory towards mental health problems.

Of course John would say that. He's expecting you to pay his way.

Surely if his mental health is so bad he can't work he would be entitled to benefits?

Jane should tell john to fuck right off if he thinks she will be funding his year out.

Thank you everyone- it's really useful to get an external perspective.

I could look to Remortgage to buy him out but that would obviously be the end of the relationship and I'm not sure I want it to be. And even if I did want it to be, what kind of person would I be to leave someone and make them homeless while they're going through a horrendous time

John says Jane would feel differently if he'd be diagnosed with something physical like cancer and this attitude is actually discriminatory towards mental health problems.

That's manipulation of the highest kind.
What shitty thing to say.

People with cancer don't live in shit holes, they still have to clean, wash up, do laundry.. unless the jack ass is physically paralysed, pick up a rag, do some dusting, idle bastard.

He is reading about his newly diagnosed medical condition, exercising, picking up new hobbies that encourage him to get out the house and to meet new people etc.

He has been ill and this is improving his health, visibly. He's putting weight back on after losing a significant amount, is happier and calmer.

A year is a long time! If John had said a few months I would have more sympathy with him.

And even if I did want it to be, what kind of person would I be to leave someone and make them homeless while they're going through a horrendous time

The type of person who respects themselves, their own boundaries and won't be taken for a fool any longer.

If he had cancer he'd be sitting down with his medical team and including Jane and working out a plan together. They'd be looking at finances and benefits and insurance. They'd be coming up with a cohesive plan for how everyone could get support including Jane. So correct- he's not treating it like a cancer diagnosis.

He's also researching this new career path. He did two interviews back when he first lost his job but doesn't feel well enough to do more just yet.

People with physical health conditions don't get to opt out of all the housework either.

Johns being manipulative and taking advantage. Jane needs to tell him he’s a grown up and he’s not his mother and there to provide.