Who is being unreasonable? (If anyone!)

[Specter123]

John and Jane have been together for 6ish years. They bought a house together 2 years ago - no DC yet and not married.

John has had a tough time during the pandemic. He started a new job, had a falling out with the manager and left without a job to go to. He has also been diagnosed with a mental health condition during the pandemic and is now medicated but still working out the right dose etc.

Jane has worked throughout the pandemic. She has picked up John's share of the housework while everything has been going on and is now the sole breadwinner. She is also a carer for an elderly parent. She does however work from home pretty much permanently now.

John has now decided he does not see himself back in paid employment for at least another year so he can get himself straight, find new coping mechanisms and pursue a complete career change. He has savings to continue to pay his share for approx another 2 months. He has been paying towards the bills since he left employment (albeit, at a reduced rate) but these savings are now running out. Jane brings home a reasonable salary, enough to run the household without a contribution although things would be very tight.

Jane feels like she is carrying the load solo and sees this as evidence that what she assumed would be a short term thing is now becoming long term, unilaterally decided by John.

John is hurt by this and sees it as Jane being selfish and unsupportive. He honestly believes that a career change is necessary to protect his mental health and that he would be much better suited to this other career.

YABU - Jane is unreasonable
YANBU - John is unreasonable

@Specter123

Thank you everyone- it's really useful to get an external perspective.

I could look to Remortgage to buy him out but that would obviously be the end of the relationship and I'm not sure I want it to be. And even if I did want it to be, what kind of person would I be to leave someone and make them homeless while they're going through a horrendous time

You're falling into a trap many women fall into.

Don't.

His 'horrendous time' is going to drag you down and down and down. Eventually you'll be hollowed out. He'll be better and you'll have paid for his life for a long time. He'll likely then piss off cause you've changed'..

What about your mental health? Are you up to it? Have you discussed that with him? You're not selfish for looking after your own mental health especially with caring for your parents and when you've seen first hand what can happen if you let the cup run empty before seeking support.

You're giving him your sympathy, empathy, financial support and housekeeping skills. He's giving you guilt. John obviously has a generous, caring nature. Not.

What would john be doing if he had no one to pay his way?
Nice that he gives no shits about the impact on your mental health having the stress of financing his leisure time.

I would give him a time frame to find work. It doesn’t need to be stressful , high pressure work, but something . In the meantime, he cooks dinner, does the washing and ironing and a large amount of the housework. Say six months to get himself straightened out. If he’s re training, it needs to be on terms that both partners agree on.

I remember getting in trouble in work for how I handled a hr issue. Someone walked in and announced they wouldn't be there for the next month to support their father in the US who had just had a heart attack. I said ok. My boss went nuts. My response was I'd do the same in her position and the boss said would you..... at which point I realised I'd request the time off and it's a small but huge difference. If he came to you and asked you to help him figure out how to do this, how to cut costs, to make ends meet, to support you both without laying everything at your door- how would you feel about supporting him for a year?

So figuring things out for John can go on Jane's to do list too? Jane's got enough on her plate already.

@Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov

I remember getting in trouble in work for how I handled a hr issue. Someone walked in and announced they wouldn't be there for the next month to support their father in the US who had just had a heart attack. I said ok. My boss went nuts. My response was I'd do the same in her position and the boss said would you..... at which point I realised I'd request the time off and it's a small but huge difference. If he came to you and asked you to help him figure out how to do this, how to cut costs, to make ends meet, to support you both without laying everything at your door- how would you feel about supporting him for a year?

This is a really good question.

The whole situation feels like a complete 180 and I recognise he is coming across a bit grabby here. But when we met, he was ambitious, driven and was employed in a very good job.

I think I'm trying to work out whether this is a temporary change in personality or whether it's the new John.

I can be a worrier and he makes the good point that I have a good wage and we're in a better position than many others. I don't know whether I'm struggling with it because I'm tired and reading a lot about the rise in living costs etc.

John sounds like a bit of an arse quite frankly.

It is one thing to have a diagnosed mental health issue and sit down and talk through strategies and future plans with your OH.
It is quite another to unilaterally decide to have her run around after you, pay all your bills and whinge that she is unsupportive for being less than keen to be a cash cow

Jane should get rid. Or at the very least make Johns current plan an unequivocal NO WAY

Better than John declaring how their partnership is going to work going forward.

My dad has a long term mental health condition (bipolar with significant depressive episodes, also some addiction issues). My mum has supported him financially and emotionally, raised children pretty much single handed and run the house for the best part of 45 years. I love my dad, I feel really sympathetic towards his illness - but it has been terribly hard for my mum. I think that often mental illness (and sometimes physical illness too) is so all consuming and difficult for the person who has it, they become incapable of really empathising with this around them, this is certainly the case for my dad. He is able to do his own hobbies (which he believes to be crucial to him being as mentally well as possible) but apparently is unable to do any housework, cooking etc, and can't understand how this might impact my mum.

I'm telling you this as a cautionary tale - my mum would never think of leaving my dad as she vowed 'in sickness and in health' but the impact on her has been huge,.I don't say this lightly but in a similar situation I would go. You have a right to consider your own wellbeing too, and if this situation doesn't work for you it's ok to say so.

One of my friends DH’s had a massive mental breakdown actually hospitalised medicated etc couldn’t return to his stressful job ( an actually stressful job not an excuse) and they had better communication about his mental health rather than what’s going on in your case. Once he was feeling up to it he took over the household chores and after school childcare for their 2 kids ( he was never a risk to them) while she devoted herself as much as possible to her career to maximise income. Years later they are still together and have a really strong marriage he is able to work, not in his original job though. It can work but it needs to be a team effort not one person taking unilateral decisions.

What will happen when Jane reaches burnout?

I think John's declared what he's planning on doing. I think he's calling Jane selfish and unsupportive because that puts his half arsed plans in jeopardy. She's knocking her pan in, and posting here because she's questioning the new dynamics of their relationship. If Jane's not happy she has every right to walk away without guilt.

@Bloatstoat

My dad has a long term mental health condition (bipolar with significant depressive episodes, also some addiction issues). My mum has supported him financially and emotionally, raised children pretty much single handed and run the house for the best part of 45 years. I love my dad, I feel really sympathetic towards his illness - but it has been terribly hard for my mum. I think that often mental illness (and sometimes physical illness too) is so all consuming and difficult for the person who has it, they become incapable of really empathising with this around them, this is certainly the case for my dad. He is able to do his own hobbies (which he believes to be crucial to him being as mentally well as possible) but apparently is unable to do any housework, cooking etc, and can't understand how this might impact my mum.

I'm telling you this as a cautionary tale - my mum would never think of leaving my dad as she vowed 'in sickness and in health' but the impact on her has been huge,.I don't say this lightly but in a similar situation I would go. You have a right to consider your own wellbeing too, and if this situation doesn't work for you it's ok to say so.

Thank you for sharing.

I don't want to give up on him at a time when he needs the most support.

But equally, I'm struggling. I've had a rash on my hands for the last few months finally got round to going to the drs, apparently its stress and my blood pressure is high too. I can get this back under control myself though and the Dr is not worried.

His condition is obviously more concerning, he needs to take medication and he needs new ways to engage with people - he's officially non-NT now.

I have found myself in pretty much the same situation as John, a MH crisis followed by a long, slow recovery and the need to re-evaluate my career in order to cope going forward. After the initial crisis and early part of my recovery (about 3 months in all) I gradually picked up all the household stuff and now do pretty much everything to balance out the fact that DH is sole breadwinner.

Neither of us know when (or even whether if I'm honest) I might be able to work again but we have an ongoing conversation about how we're both managing and feeling about everything and any decisions are made together. What is John's reason for not picking up housework to balance things out? And is there any concern/appreciation for how much Jane has on her shoulders?

He needs to pick up 100% of the household tasks if he is not going to work

I assume he will claim benefits so soone if that can go towards bills

He needs to be given a time scale to work to,

@Hercisback

People with physical health conditions don't get to opt out of all the housework either.

Yeah we do actually.

@Blueberryflavour

One of my friends DH’s had a massive mental breakdown actually hospitalised medicated etc couldn’t return to his stressful job ( an actually stressful job not an excuse) and they had better communication about his mental health rather than what’s going on in your case. Once he was feeling up to it he took over the household chores and after school childcare for their 2 kids ( he was never a risk to them) while she devoted herself as much as possible to her career to maximise income. Years later they are still together and have a really strong marriage he is able to work, not in his original job though. It can work but it needs to be a team effort not one person taking unilateral decisions.

Its really good to hear a positive outcome here that supported everyone's needs.

He also had a stressful role. This new career path will be less stressful (we hope!)

I would be ending the relationship and put the house on the market.

Well fair play to John for taking steps to get better in terms of medication and a career plan. Changing career is a big thing as is seeking help for MH issues. The sticking point for me would be the housework. John should be doing this if he’s off work and there’s no excuse. I think if it were me, I’d be supportive of the career change and help where possible to ensure he can give this a go but I’d be laying down ground rules about the house work.

@StormyWindow

I have found myself in pretty much the same situation as John, a MH crisis followed by a long, slow recovery and the need to re-evaluate my career in order to cope going forward. After the initial crisis and early part of my recovery (about 3 months in all) I gradually picked up all the household stuff and now do pretty much everything to balance out the fact that DH is sole breadwinner.

Neither of us know when (or even whether if I'm honest) I might be able to work again but we have an ongoing conversation about how we're both managing and feeling about everything and any decisions are made together. What is John's reason for not picking up housework to balance things out? And is there any concern/appreciation for how much Jane has on her shoulders?

I'm sorry to hear about your struggle.

Part of John's condition is struggling with routine tasks. Everything takes him 10x as long and it stresses him out which makes his symptoms worse.

He thinks I'm worrying unnecessarily. Money-wise, we're in a better situation than others and even I feel guilty about complaining about the financial side of things. We have lost 45% of our income though and I'm worried about energy and council tax rises etc as are many others I know.

Just to be clear, I'm not against the career change. I was looking for jobs and sending them to him weekly until he said he found this stressful.

I've watched video lectures on the new industry and bought him books on the subject.

I'm just worrying about how long and difficult a career change can be. It's also stressful and if he cant put on a wash, I'm worried about how he'll cope with this.

Why the hell is John not putting himself in therapy and job hunting right now? He's just decided he wants another year off. And then after that year it will be just six more months and then a few more months after that. The whole financial burden should not be on Jane.

@JesusSufferingFuck22
Not in my experience they don't. (cancer, long term recovery from cardiac issues, brain injury, long term chronic disease all in wider family and every one of them helps around the house). There are very few people with physical health conditions who can do nothing to help.