Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is being unreasonable? (If anyone!)

223 replies

Specter123 · 26/03/2022 21:22

John and Jane have been together for 6ish years. They bought a house together 2 years ago - no DC yet and not married.

John has had a tough time during the pandemic. He started a new job, had a falling out with the manager and left without a job to go to. He has also been diagnosed with a mental health condition during the pandemic and is now medicated but still working out the right dose etc.

Jane has worked throughout the pandemic. She has picked up John's share of the housework while everything has been going on and is now the sole breadwinner. She is also a carer for an elderly parent. She does however work from home pretty much permanently now.

John has now decided he does not see himself back in paid employment for at least another year so he can get himself straight, find new coping mechanisms and pursue a complete career change. He has savings to continue to pay his share for approx another 2 months. He has been paying towards the bills since he left employment (albeit, at a reduced rate) but these savings are now running out. Jane brings home a reasonable salary, enough to run the household without a contribution although things would be very tight.

Jane feels like she is carrying the load solo and sees this as evidence that what she assumed would be a short term thing is now becoming long term, unilaterally decided by John.

John is hurt by this and sees it as Jane being selfish and unsupportive. He honestly believes that a career change is necessary to protect his mental health and that he would be much better suited to this other career.

YABU - Jane is unreasonable
YANBU - John is unreasonable

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 26/03/2022 23:11

I can be a worrier and he makes the good point that I have a good wage and we're in a better position than many others

But why does he feel he can depend on your money? It's one thing if you volunteered this but totally another for him to assume.

NightshiftNancy · 26/03/2022 23:13

Sod off John.

Justmuddlingalong · 26/03/2022 23:14

It find it odd that John seemed to cope with life just fine before he had his diagnosis. What made him seek a diagnosis if he had no symptoms /traits or behaviours that impacted on his work and home life before?

Original poster
Specter123 · 26/03/2022 23:24

He did have symptoms but they weren't as pronounced. Things got worse and came to a head at the same time things in work got bad. The symptoms were part of the fall out in work. The diagnosis actually makes a lot of sense and the medication helps.

OP posts:
Jellycatspyjamas · 26/03/2022 23:28

he makes the good point that I have a good wage and we're in a better position than many others.

You’re in a better position because of your sound financial decisions. He’s been spendthrift with his own money, you’re paying for the house he lives in, he doesn’t lift a finger to help and now has a diagnosis which conveniently means he can’t work or cope with household stresses. Which means you can carry it all.

He may have had a horrendous time, but I’d not be funding him having a year (or more) out of work when I’m knocking my pan in trying to keep it all afloat.

You’ve still not said what he’s be doing if he lived alone - I very much doubt a planned year off work would be on the cards.

MadMadMadamMim · 26/03/2022 23:35

The comments about you being discriminatory about M H issues are so ridiculous. You are not his employer, you're his partner and have every right to decide to end the relationship for no other reason than you're not feeling it any longer. Personally I think he's taking the piss to announce he's not intending to work for a year and you can carry the load.

I'd be ending the relationship and wishing him all the best for the future.

Justmuddlingalong · 26/03/2022 23:39

Could you suggest that having a routine in the house could help him? He surely can't expect that only doing the things he wants to do, hobbies and socialising, will in any way help when he has to return to the routine of full time employment.

Original poster
Specter123 · 26/03/2022 23:45

I don't know what he'd do if he was single. Move back in with his parents maybe? Or a house share. He lived on his own when we met, in a flat rather than a house (as I did)

OP posts:
Original poster
Specter123 · 26/03/2022 23:48

@Justmuddlingalong

Could you suggest that having a routine in the house could help him? He surely can't expect that only doing the things he wants to do, hobbies and socialising, will in any way help when he has to return to the routine of full time employment.
Yes, I'm trying this at the moment. He's not yet consistent with his medication but one of the side effects is disturbed sleep. Meaning he's up all night with insomnia then sleeping for a big chunk of the day- I think this is another part of the reason that he doesn't want to rush back to work - he wants to get onto a stable regime.

And see, that seems entirely reasonable. But I would love to have even a tenth of that opportunity.

OP posts:
MaryAndHerNet · 26/03/2022 23:54

He's not consistent so he stays up and sleeps all day.

Then he should get consistent and not be enabled to be up and to sleep all day. Sleeping all day will not help sleeping at night, it'll make it harder, so he'll sleep even more in the day. Stop the say sleeping, night sleeping improves. He's making a mug of you.

Original poster
Specter123 · 27/03/2022 00:01

@MaryAndHerNet

He's not consistent so he stays up and sleeps all day.

Then he should get consistent and not be enabled to be up and to sleep all day. Sleeping all day will not help sleeping at night, it'll make it harder, so he'll sleep even more in the day. Stop the say sleeping, night sleeping improves. He's making a mug of you.

Thank you for your thoughts.

The thing is, I can't make him sleep or stop him from sleeping in the day. I start work at 7.30 and finish at 7ish. I don't see him until I finish work. The only reason I know is because he tells me. I've tried suggesting that getting into a bad relationship with sleep will not help him but beyond that, he's an adult.

The bit I hate about the situation possibly the most, is that I can feel myself sliding into a parenting role which I always swore I would never do. I'm trying to hold that boundary on the bits I can e.g. I have no intention of policing his bedtime but recognise that this is just tweaking around the edges at this stage.

OP posts:
JesusSufferingFuck22 · 27/03/2022 00:02

I maybe misread op. I have MS and am excused from all domestic activities unless I feel up to it. This doesn’t mean I don’t do any it means I barely do anything. I can’t predict what my chronic illness will prevent me from doing.

Original poster
Specter123 · 27/03/2022 00:04

Sorry to hear of your struggles @JesusSufferingFuck22

John is seeking a similar arrangement I believe. Can I ask, do you have support at home?

OP posts:
Jellycatspyjamas · 27/03/2022 00:05

I’ve tried suggesting that getting into a bad relationship with sleep will not help him but beyond that, he's an adult.

And as an adult he needs to be able to support himself financially and contribute to the household. You’re working 12 hour days and he’s living like a teenager, I’d be telling him he needs a rethink.

MaryAndHerNet · 27/03/2022 00:14

From everything you've put here OP, you're already the parent, except you're not parenting, you're just letting him do whatever he wants and he's taking advantage as much as he can.

You have 2 choices. Let him keep doing nothing, staying up at night... Probably on an Xbox or pc... Let him sleep all day.. do his washing, do the cleaning, do the cooking, pay the mortgage to house him, buy his clothes to clothe him, don't forget to fund his various hobbies that he manages to organise for himself..

Or.. don't...

It's that simple really.

VillanellesOrangeCoat · 27/03/2022 00:20

He’s using the insomnia/meds/diagnosis as an excuse. If he was serious about making an effort to get a grip of his illness he’d be trying everything he could - counselling, cbt, sleeping apps to get into a routine. I know. I’ve been there. Though I had the incentive of being a single parent who doesn’t have the luxury of a partner on a decent wage who could bankroll a year off! And even if I had I don’t believe I could morally do it.
What about your mental health? He needs to have a more robust plan back to good health than “a year off” to sort himself out.

HereWeGoAgain322 · 27/03/2022 00:21

Does John have ADHD?

WombOfOnesOwn · 27/03/2022 00:28

An ADHD man taking a year off work to fuck off all day with "hobbies" is a recipe for disaster.

You'll be coming home to a filthy house and a man who's been watching porn for hours of the day, bet on it!

Cocomarine · 27/03/2022 00:29

Oh John can fuck off, self indulgent dick that he is.

You’ve not posted anything that explains his dumping the housework on you. 10x the time to do a routine task? If he’s not working he’s got 10x the time available, so crack on, John.

As to the insomnia… I’ve got 2 sisters with MH issues and bouts of insomnia. One works, the other doesn’t. The non working sister is not basically nocturnal with shit sleep hygiene and likes to tell us all dramatically how she didn’t sleep all night, when she surfaces well rested at 7pm. The other sister doesn’t have that luxury, as she goes to work after her sleepless night. And no, she doesn’t miraculously sleep through on night 2… but she does sleep a fuck of a lot better than the sister who has slept all that day. Who’d have thought it?

Cocomarine · 27/03/2022 00:31

@HereWeGoAgain322

Does John have ADHD?
Oh no doubt. You think if he masked his way through a successful career and two promotions, he could mask his way through the odd bit of housework, hey? 🙄
Original poster
Specter123 · 27/03/2022 00:37

Thanks everyone, in one way it's good to see that I'm not wrong in feeling this way but its also pretty sad that we've got to this stage.

I need to work out a way to get my concerns across to hear his honest thoughts. I know having a health condition, especially a newly diagnosed one, can make people a little self focused. Maybe a really open conversation will Get him to see beyond his own needs.

If not, I'm going to have to think about my options.

As I say, I really am stuck on the 'is this a temporary blip or permanent change?' question. It really is very, very unlike the man I've known for the last 8 years (together for 6)

OP posts:
Cocomarine · 27/03/2022 00:43

You know, you’re allowed to split up with him forever reason. You’ve not vowed “in sickness and in health” (not that you still can’t change your mind) and even if you had - this isn’t strictly a change in health is it?

This is a change in personality. You’re talking about him finding new ways to relate to people… that means, you don’t have the old him. If he isn’t NT and he has been masking all this time, that’s not your fault. You might say it’s not his either, but it certainly isn’t his.

You’re allowed to simply say - this isn’t what I thought I was in, I don’t want this. MH discrimination might be relevant to the workplace, but it isn’t relevant in a relationship.

Perhaps I’ll get strung up now. I’m certainly not saying it’s wrong to take the rough with the smooth. But you don’t have to.

Toofuckingearly · 27/03/2022 00:44

@VillanellesOrangeCoat

He’s using the insomnia/meds/diagnosis as an excuse. If he was serious about making an effort to get a grip of his illness he’d be trying everything he could - counselling, cbt, sleeping apps to get into a routine. I know. I’ve been there. Though I had the incentive of being a single parent who doesn’t have the luxury of a partner on a decent wage who could bankroll a year off! And even if I had I don’t believe I could morally do it. What about your mental health? He needs to have a more robust plan back to good health than “a year off” to sort himself out.
This is so true, I had a breakdown and I had to return to a job I hated, that caused stress after 5 months off sick, I had insomnia from the sertraline and sometimes did a 11 hour day after an hours sleep. Why? Because I am a lone parent and I had no choice. We would have been homeless. Was I ready to go back? No. You are enabling him, and in his position I would take longer off too. But what about you? Why does his recovery trump your mental well-being?
Midlifemusings · 27/03/2022 00:45

In a partnership you support each other. Mental health is health and shouldn't be looked as John is just a lazy asshole who won't work or keep himself busy all day doing household chores.

There should be a healthcare team or professionals involved who can also contribute to what is going to best support John's recovery. Just jumping back into work fulltime may actually exacerbate his condition.

If Jane is going to jump ship because John is struggling with poor health and not able to contribute the same as before, then she should leave now. John needs to be with someone who cares about hi enough to stick through an illness - same as I would expect form John if it was Jane who was ill and not as able to work or bring in the same income.

A friend of mine was the JOhn but with cancer and her husband was the Jane and after being off initially - she worked part time all through treatment as I went on for a long time and he expected her to go right back to full time as soon as treatment was done. She really wasn't healthy enough to be working so much but similar to Jane, he had a gotta pull your weight and no excuses and don't be lazy and it's not about you attitude. I voted Jane is unreasonable because I sure felt it was my friend's husband who was unreasonable to not be willing to shoulder the breadwinning until she was well.

Cocomarine · 27/03/2022 00:47

As I say, I really am stuck on the 'is this a temporary blip or permanent change?'

I might try to divine that this way:

“John, I want to support you but I can’t do everything - I need you to take over the laundry.”

Answer A: you’ve done a lot for me, thank you. Of course. Honestly I might get distracted from it - can you give me a push if so? (Temporary blip)

Answer B: I’m not NT, I can’t do routine tasks, you’re not helping my recovery, you’re discriminating against MH, by the way where are my clean t shirts, I’m off out to a tennis lesson now (Permanent)