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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To send this text to my SIL..

207 replies

Myfootfeckinghurts · 15/03/2022 15:23

I am very angry at my SIL.

I’ll try and keep the explanation brief.. She ruined a very rare, child free night out with a large group of friends who I hadn’t seen in ages for mine and a good friends birthday. We are at a comedy club in an local city. She got wankered, refused to just sit and enjoy the comedy without an alcoholic drink so got kicked out. I wasn’t drinking, my night cut very short to take her home.

She has a ‘secret’ drinking problem (will drink vodka and coke in a from a coloured water bottle she keeps in a her handbag so no one suspects) and jokes about being an alcoholic- most infuriatingly, she will never own her shit. She just forgets stuff because she gets shit faced and no one brings her up on it because they don’t want to hurt her feelings- she has depression.

I was just going to leave it as a ‘oh just another stupid thing SIL has done whilst under the influence’ and sweep it under the rug but I can’t. I’m upset, I’m angry and I need to let her know so she can take accountability for her actions.

I was going to send this message to her:
SIL,

I wasn't going to say anything and just 'sweep it under the rug', you know I'm not one for confrontation.

But, I'm sorry but I can't. I've had a few days to try and let my feelings die down a little and see how I felt. My feelings haven't died down and they're still as, if not more intense.

I need you to know how much you've upset me. That night out was the first night out I've had with that group of friends for years, I was so looking forward to it. It was also for my birthday as well after all. And you ruined it for me.

You wouldn't have realised as you were asleep but I was crying most of the way home. I was disappointed that my night ended abruptly. I was annoyed I had paid money for a ticket which wasn't used as I had to leave early. I'm angry at you that you drank yourself into such a state you got asked to leave, and that you insisted on leaving instead of just joining us back the at the table to just have soft drinks.

And honestly, I don't think you would have even text to apologise had it not been that you left my phone in my car.

I am upset, I need time. Don't worry about replying. I just needed to let you know how I am feeling.

Is this too harsh?

OP posts:
bonfireheart · 15/03/2022 15:24

Should have left her to find her own way home.

TheUndoingProject · 15/03/2022 15:26

She’s an alcoholic. Telling her she hurt your feelings isn’t going to get her to change her behaviour. Just don’t invite her to events.

Original poster
Myfootfeckinghurts · 15/03/2022 15:26

I know but I’m too nice for my own good. I see that now.

OP posts:
Momijin · 15/03/2022 15:27

Hopefully that will hit home and she can start looking at getting herself sorted.

Hope you can arrange another night out soon minus your sil

Original poster
Myfootfeckinghurts · 15/03/2022 15:27

I don’t want her to change her behaviour, I just want her know she really hurt my feelings and ruined my night.

OP posts:
Billybagpuss · 15/03/2022 15:27

What do you want to achieve from the text. It sounds like SIL is an alcoholic. She’s not going to apologise and beg forgiveness, anything you say will rub her up the wrong way and she’ll try and justify it which will upset you further.

Is she your db wife or DH sis? Can he help at all? Other than that I’d just take a step back and go low contact.

Luckingfovely · 15/03/2022 15:28

It's too long and too emotional.

You need to edit, heavily.

You're not in the wrong, she is. Most of the text sounds like you're apologising to her.

Tell her what she did wrong, and that you are furious.

user1471457751 · 15/03/2022 15:28

If anything it's not harsh enough

whatstheteamarie · 15/03/2022 15:29

Has your DH and his family considered doing an intervention?

If she is an alcoholic, she needs more than a (relatively softly worded) text to wake her up to the realities of her drinking on her health as well as those around her.

JemimaTiggywinkle · 15/03/2022 15:29

I’d send it, sounds like you’d feel better to get it out there.
And you never know, it might be the start of a much needed wake up call about her drinking.

Thursday37 · 15/03/2022 15:29

I’d be sending

“You ruined my birthday and haven’t even tried to apologise. You are an embarrassment and I want nothing more to do with you. Do everyone a favour and get some help with your alcoholism.”

Why on earth you left early is beyond me though. I would’ve just disowned her.

Ilovenutellaaaaa · 15/03/2022 15:29

I would send the text, if nobody holds her behaviour accountable how will she ever change...plus she owes you an apology for ruining your birthday meetup with your friends...

Comvit · 15/03/2022 15:30

I don't think its harsh at all. But I wonder what you're hoping it will achieve? I don't know SIL obviously but it seems like she's spoiled, irresponsible and selfish. I don't think your message will change that or snap her out of anything. I don't think she'll care. Might she even feel sorry for herself because of it - like look at MyFoot piling me even though I wasn't that bad and she knows I have depression. MyFoot needs to get a life etc. etc.

I, personally, wouldn't say anything. I'd block her and carry on with my life. If you have to see her at family things, I'd exchange very brief pleasantries with her and then move away. If/when she asks why you're avoiding her, tell her an abridged version of what you've said here.

lemongreentea · 15/03/2022 15:30

you are not in the wrong but just don't invite her next time and dont socialise where alcohol is involved.

HermioneWeasley · 15/03/2022 15:30

This is something that needs to be done in a conversation not a text or email

ForeverSingle881 · 15/03/2022 15:31

Well my SIL got plastered and made out with a friend's husband at my birthday party. She also told me to go fuck myself 10 times over throughout the night. I was a big fan of hers until I realized she 1) really cannot handle her drink at all and 2) drinks anyway and makes herself a massive pain in the arse for everyone. I haven't invited her to anything since because I can't trust her not to ruin it. Her loss. No need to make a big deal out of it, let it lie and ignore her and don't invite her next time. She won't change and she'll make it all about her anyway.

Momicrone · 15/03/2022 15:31

You shouldn't be responsible for taking her home

SamphiretheStickerist · 15/03/2022 15:31

Send it.

She will explain it away, get her usual suspects onside, you were being horrible.

But some of the people she chooses to drag into her pity party will wholeheartedly agree with you.

And you will have told her what you think of her.

In short, you'll feel better, she won't change. So no harm done.

Babadook76 · 15/03/2022 15:33

@user1471457751

If anything it's not harsh enough
This. Sounds a bit poncy and pathetic imo. And there’s need for all of the dramatics of crying all the way home
Original poster
Myfootfeckinghurts · 15/03/2022 15:34

It’s DHs sister, he’s done with her after the other night, he took her phone to her and just said that she has lots of making up to me to do and that I was upset… I’ve not heard anything since the FB msg about her phone mind you.

We all live within walking distance and she lives with MIL.

When I got home Friday night to relive MIL of baby sitting duties I told her all about what had happened, she didn’t seem bothered or surprised. She said that they were going to tidy her room over the weekend and gut if of bottles and stuff apparently.. I wasn’t really paying attention and was beyond giving a shit at that time.

OP posts:
Treaclepie19 · 15/03/2022 15:36

I've dealt with many alcoholics and I've tried many a strategy.
If you're strong enough to say how much she's upset you, keep it simple. Chances are she'll cause a scene, minimise and put the blame onto you somehow.

Generally I've found the best thing is to have the fallout and then have no contact. It's just not worth it.

If she's ready to address her drinking, she will. Otherwise this will continue to happen.

Original poster
Myfootfeckinghurts · 15/03/2022 15:38

I think I want to send if for my own peace of mind, so I’ve got it off my chest and then what she does with it after is nothing to do with me.
I’m just super pissed off still and need to let her know that it’s because of her… having difficulty explaining tbh..

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 15/03/2022 15:40

If the purpose of the message is to shake some sense into her, then I don't think you've been hard enough. I certainly would say she needs to address her drinking and that until she does you don't want to socialise with her.

SamphiretheStickerist · 15/03/2022 15:40

Look. From experience. SIL won't care what you write. ILs will all translate it as they will, according to where she is in their lives. The only person who will benefit from sending it is you. So if you want her to know, send it.

If you and her brother don't want to get further involved, and again from experience, I wouldn't blame you, then send it and then set about ignoring any efforts to drag you into any so called intervention, room tidying etc.

This will either be her rock bottom or it won't. She has to decide that. Nothing you do or say will have much influence as she doesn't think about you as a distinct person. She will only have one meaningful relationship and that will be with alcohol.

Don't invite her anywhere else. Don't put yourself in that position again. Tell her exactly why if/ when she asks. Make your mind up not to play the Family Game about her drinking. It's far healthier for you to do that.

lemonnandliime · 15/03/2022 15:40

I would send it.

Doesn't matter if it's emotional or long or not in the spirit of getting through to an alcoholic.

She deserves to know how much she's affecting me those close to her.