To send this text to my SIL..

[Myfootfeckinghurts]

I am very angry at my SIL.

I’ll try and keep the explanation brief.. She ruined a very rare, child free night out with a large group of friends who I hadn’t seen in ages for mine and a good friends birthday. We are at a comedy club in an local city. She got wankered, refused to just sit and enjoy the comedy without an alcoholic drink so got kicked out. I wasn’t drinking, my night cut very short to take her home.

She has a ‘secret’ drinking problem (will drink vodka and coke in a from a coloured water bottle she keeps in a her handbag so no one suspects) and jokes about being an alcoholic- most infuriatingly, she will never own her shit. She just forgets stuff because she gets shit faced and no one brings her up on it because they don’t want to hurt her feelings- she has depression.

I was just going to leave it as a ‘oh just another stupid thing SIL has done whilst under the influence’ and sweep it under the rug but I can’t. I’m upset, I’m angry and I need to let her know so she can take accountability for her actions.

I was going to send this message to her:
SIL,

I wasn't going to say anything and just 'sweep it under the rug', you know I'm not one for confrontation.

But, I'm sorry but I can't. I've had a few days to try and let my feelings die down a little and see how I felt. My feelings haven't died down and they're still as, if not more intense.

I need you to know how much you've upset me. That night out was the first night out I've had with that group of friends for years, I was so looking forward to it. It was also for my birthday as well after all. And you ruined it for me.

You wouldn't have realised as you were asleep but I was crying most of the way home. I was disappointed that my night ended abruptly. I was annoyed I had paid money for a ticket which wasn't used as I had to leave early. I'm angry at you that you drank yourself into such a state you got asked to leave, and that you insisted on leaving instead of just joining us back the at the table to just have soft drinks.

And honestly, I don't think you would have even text to apologise had it not been that you left my phone in my car.

I am upset, I need time. Don't worry about replying. I just needed to let you know how I am feeling.

Is this too harsh?

@MadeForThis

I would send a shortened version of the message. But I would add that you will not be in her company again if she's drinking.

Be prepared for her to ignore it.

This Also
I know poor MIL would end up footing the bill for the friend I think that you should have let that happen. It might make MIL take more of a stand and get SIL some help. (you could reimburse MIL at a later date if you felt bad about it) but mainly I think you should take a step back and don't let SIL ruin any more events.
I agree with pp who said Reorganise another one it will help you feel less fed up about this one.

OP has said she just wants to let SIL know how she feels so I'm not sure why people are giving her grief about "this won't change her". She's not trying to change her!! (Correct me if I'm wrong OP)

If that text is how you feel no-one can tell you it's wrong. They're your feelings. I understand just needing to get things off your chest sometimes. If sending that text will do that then go for it, I'm sure it'll feel like a relief and even if other people say its weak, expressing your feelings is always empowering.

I have absolutely no idea why you left your birthday night out to take her home ? Why ? she is a grown woman waking up in a ditch maybe is what she needs

Send it…but so what? Until you learn not to be a people pleaser and be a bit more selfish for your own good, things like this will keep happening.
She’s not your responsibility, I would have left her to make her own way home.

I have the same kind of issues with my mother in law. She ruins everything and then because she’s drunk she’s not made accountable for it at all. The amount of messages I’ve wrote out and deleted because it isn’t worth the hassle. I then finally snapped and messaged her and told her, for her to turn around and play the victim. It’s hard because some people who struggle with alcohol addiction genuinely do not see their behaviour and how it affects others. If it makes you feel better, send the message but be prepared that she won’t see her behaviour! I really feel for you, and for what it’s worth, id have took my mil home too. You sound like a lovely person!

Next time don't invite her.if she turns up snub her. If she gets drunk, bundle her into a taxi and go back in to your friends or better still phone her DH and make him collect her.

I'm sorry she ruined your night. She was selfish and behaved badly, and if it helps you to send the text then absolutely do it, but please remember something sent in writing can never be unsaid, so choose your words wisely. I am personally too emotional to do this sort of thing face to face, so prefer the written word.
I think you were very generous and very responsible in ending your night to take her home. You put your concern for her safety above your own happiness. We all know what could potentially happen to a shitfaced woman staggering around alone at night.
Going forward she can't be expected to be part of another social event until she gets help for her alcohol abuse. All the family can do is acknowledge the problem and not facilitate her drinking.

Have just reread op and saw you said you want her to take accountability, it was in the text you said you just needed to let her know how you're feeling. I'd give up on point 1 and aim for point 2.

Not harsh at all. She will no doubt become defensive and try and guilt trip you though. Addicts very rarely 'own' their behaviour.

I don't think you need to go into great depth about your feelings purely because she won't care. But do mention that until she is prepared to change her ways you won't be socialising with her again. The only way she will learn is to face some actual consequences of her actions.

If it'll help you then by all means send the text but I don't think it will be enough to change her behaviour or mindset. Alcoholics are hard work.

Too kind and the message needs editing down. Something like:

‘Hi SIL, I’m still quite upset by your behaviour the other night. It ruined a rare night out for me with old friends. You should be able to go out for a few drinks without getting kicked out of an establishment. It would be a shame if you couldn’t come to future nights out with us because of your drinking and unpredictability. I don’t mean to be harsh but need you to understand how totally shit this has made me feel. You don’t need to respond and I hope you don’t see this as just an attack on you. I just want you to be aware of the effects of your behaviour on yourself and others.’

Voice of bitter experience here......

I did exactly the same regarding a very close family member. It made fuck all difference. Literally fuck all.

In hindsight, I do feel better for sending the letter and given the chance again, I would do exactly the same.

No begging or pleading will ever work, they are an alcoholic and literally the only thing they care about is when they are going to get their next drink. NOTHING will change.

The only thing I could do was change my behaviour towards it. I have very little to do with my family member now. Not to punish them, but to be kind to myself and my own mental health. Pull away from SIL as much as you feel able to do so.

Sending loads of cause I know how utterly fucking shit it is

I would write and write and write on paper, on a laptop, or whatever, to get the very understandable frustration out of my system.

I would not send the text you have posted here. I would keep it short and to the point, if I sent anything.

Hell would freeze over before I would be in her company again for a night out though.

OP,

I can well understand your annoyance OP.

So disappointing to have your night ruined.

Was there no one who could have collected her?
Why was it all on you?

Did you explore all options?

I wouldn't send that text.

I certainly wouldn't go out with her again.

I looked after people in my early 20's but absolutely wouldn't have been doing it in my 40's+.

I wouldn't go out with her again.
If asked about your birthday, it's fair to say it like it was.
The night was ruined because of the condition of her.

Personally I wouldn’t send the text. I don’t see the point.

Your feeling are valid though. It sounds like you are a couple of stages ahead of the rest of the family in terms of response to her alcoholism. From my experience it goes like this:

Denial/Ignorance
Anger
More Anger
Sympathy and Support
Numbness

@Myfootfeckinghurts

Fuck, so is this all my fault that’s I took her home? Do I have no right to be upset with her because it was my decision to take her home and cut my night short? One of our mates offered to lend her money to get in a taxi and I said no because I know poor MIL would end up footing the bill for the friend (separate issue!)

Good good, you sound like a doormat. Seriously, get off the cross, we need the wood.

You refused to let your friend put her safely in a taxi because your MIL might have to pay? Couldn’t your MIL get the money back from SIL?

You ruined your own night by being silly and martyrish. No point sending the whiny texts (no offence). Just stop pandering. Not your circus, not your monkeys.

If you're sure that sending a message to her would make you feel better then send it. However be prepared for the fact that she probably will ignore it.

She's an alcoholic so quite frankly doesn't give a fig about you, her brother, her mother etc - in fact anyone or anything apart from drinking.

I hope this episode has given you and your DH the resolve to assert some decent boundaries around her, even if you can't completely cut her out of your lives.

I would edit the text to make it shorter and sharper. Your original draft is a bit emotional and long she'll not be interested in reading it or taking any of it in. A pp put a shorter alternative in that I think is better. I think you just need to get across the message that her behaviour was disgusting and embarrassing and that she's hurt you. But additionally she is a grown up and you are not responsible for her. Unfortunately taking her home and looking after her is just enabling her behaviour. This doesn't seem like a one off so I'm inclined to wonder why you didn't expect this to happen and make a conscious decision not to let it ruin your night?

she probably will ignore it.

Or of course, use it against you. Spitefully, and forever.

I'm not sure there's much point is there?

You didn't have to take her home but chose to.

You could have enjoyed the rest of your night without her.

@Thursday37

I’d be sending

“You ruined my birthday and haven’t even tried to apologise. You are an embarrassment and I want nothing more to do with you. Do everyone a favour and get some help with your alcoholism.”

Why on earth you left early is beyond me though. I would’ve just disowned her.

I’d send this amended:

‘You ruined my birthday: I’m really disappointed in you for not even apologising.

You are an embarrassment. Do yourself a favour and get help for your alcohol issues.

Until then I (and DH and the kids) will not be spending time with you.

Wishing you the best’

Until alcoholics have consequences they will not change: and secret drinkers equal alcoholics

You did the right thing taking her home. It ruined your night but kept her safe.

However I would not be in her company for drinks again. Don't invite her places, don't go to nights out where she is invited and you will end up responsible for her.

It is understandable you are angry and send the message if it helps you. You seem aware it won't change her behaviour but if it helps you then do it.

Okay I realise that was very harsh but seriously you left your own birthday party because you didn’t want someone else to pay for a taxi????????

Send the text or don’t send the text. I won’t harm but it will not help. Until you stop people pleasing, your life is going to be ruined by SIL. Get into counselling. Or al-anon. It’s not just the alcoholic who is sick. The whole family system is sick.

OP,

You have said you are a pushover.

You brought her home to spare your MIL, who wasn't bothered about your evening being ruined.

Your SIL doesn't give a damn.

You ruined your own evening by looking after everyone except yourself.

I think you are also furious with yourself, which I think you're right to be.

Take a hard look at why you don't think you having a good night should be your priority on YOUR birthday.

I would send @Thursday37's text and I would avoid her socially any way you can.

You teach people how to treat you.

Start valuing yourself more.

I would send it, but edited thus:

“SIL,

I want to let you know how I am feeling after what happened the other night. It was the first night out I've had with that group of friends for years, I was so looking forward to it, and It was also for my birthday. But your getting so drunk, being asked to leave and then feeling the need to leave early and before the show to make sure you got safely home (as you were in such a state) ruined it for me.

I don’t need you to reply to this, I wanted to let you know that I was left feeling angry and upset, and had a wasted evening.

We are family and I will look forward to seeing you but I will not spend any time with you when you are drinking.

MyFoot”

How old is she?!