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Original poster

To send this text to my SIL..

207 replies

Myfootfeckinghurts · 15/03/2022 15:23

I am very angry at my SIL.

I’ll try and keep the explanation brief.. She ruined a very rare, child free night out with a large group of friends who I hadn’t seen in ages for mine and a good friends birthday. We are at a comedy club in an local city. She got wankered, refused to just sit and enjoy the comedy without an alcoholic drink so got kicked out. I wasn’t drinking, my night cut very short to take her home.

She has a ‘secret’ drinking problem (will drink vodka and coke in a from a coloured water bottle she keeps in a her handbag so no one suspects) and jokes about being an alcoholic- most infuriatingly, she will never own her shit. She just forgets stuff because she gets shit faced and no one brings her up on it because they don’t want to hurt her feelings- she has depression.

I was just going to leave it as a ‘oh just another stupid thing SIL has done whilst under the influence’ and sweep it under the rug but I can’t. I’m upset, I’m angry and I need to let her know so she can take accountability for her actions.

I was going to send this message to her:
SIL,

I wasn't going to say anything and just 'sweep it under the rug', you know I'm not one for confrontation.

But, I'm sorry but I can't. I've had a few days to try and let my feelings die down a little and see how I felt. My feelings haven't died down and they're still as, if not more intense.

I need you to know how much you've upset me. That night out was the first night out I've had with that group of friends for years, I was so looking forward to it. It was also for my birthday as well after all. And you ruined it for me.

You wouldn't have realised as you were asleep but I was crying most of the way home. I was disappointed that my night ended abruptly. I was annoyed I had paid money for a ticket which wasn't used as I had to leave early. I'm angry at you that you drank yourself into such a state you got asked to leave, and that you insisted on leaving instead of just joining us back the at the table to just have soft drinks.

And honestly, I don't think you would have even text to apologise had it not been that you left my phone in my car.

I am upset, I need time. Don't worry about replying. I just needed to let you know how I am feeling.

Is this too harsh?

OP posts:
user1471543094 · 15/03/2022 15:41

I would send but not really expect anything from it. Sometimes getting this off your chest helps you move on.

Then in future don't invite her anywhere. And she will know why because of that text.

Noshowlomo · 15/03/2022 15:42

If you need to then go ahead… it will be off your chest. It may not have any effect on her but then again it may make her realise she’s got a problem

jb7445 · 15/03/2022 15:43

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Coffeencrochet · 15/03/2022 15:43

I would tell her she can keep it up but not to expect to be invited to anything from now on, especially not special occasions. Then go LC/NC. Life is too short for it to be ruined by people that don't want to change.

Justmuddlingalong · 15/03/2022 15:43

I don't think your message will hit home in the way you're expecting. If you send it, you've said your piece, but I think minimising contact is the way forward. Don't invite her to special occasions you're having and have an escape plan in place for occasions where you have no say over her being there.

Brefugee · 15/03/2022 15:44

Well, send it if it makes you feel better, but SIL won't give a shit.
She got wankered and you ruined your own night out by taking her home

Why didn't you just leave her to her own devices, watch your show and then go home? At some point she needs to fall completely flat on her face.

But in your shoes? i wouldn't wait around for an apology, i would just excise her from my life.

Chloemol · 15/03/2022 15:45

I would send it, but perhaps adding that you are done with her alcohol issues and until such time as she gets support to stop drinking you want nothing more to do with her

Rosehugger · 15/03/2022 15:45

I wouldn't send something like that as a text, I'd say how I felt about it face to face.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/03/2022 15:48

I wouldn't text because that's what teenagers do, but if you can't manage face to face, send it. Accept I would be much harsher than what you've written.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 15/03/2022 15:49

My DM is a recovering alcoholic. When she was drinking she didn't care, we were all to blame and not her. She wouldn't have listened to that text at all and would have just turned around and said 'I was fine, you didn't have to drive me home. That's your fault'.

If you want to send that text for you, then do but I don't think it'll do something for her.

Original poster
Myfootfeckinghurts · 15/03/2022 15:49

I would love to go low/NC but unfortunately village life doesn’t fit with that. I have to see her, we’re in the same circles of friends and (were) a close family.
I just want to block her on everything and not let my DD near her.

Now I’ve written this all out you all probably think I’m pathetic for even being angry and upset but I’m honestly reeling from it days later.

OP posts:
Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 15/03/2022 15:49

I would send it but add l have decided not to invite you again until you sort your life out

TillyTopper · 15/03/2022 15:50

I definitely wouldn't send something like that - you can't control what she is like (and nor can she by the sounds of it). Why not simply distance yourself and get sound boundaries in place? Don't invite her, certainly don't enable her by taking her home (why on earth did you cut short your night?). I can see there is problems on her side, but you are not effectively managing her - you cannot rely on her to change, but you can change your response to her shit.

Justmuddlingalong · 15/03/2022 15:51

You're giving her the power of upsetting you repeatedly by saying low/no contact isn't possible.

nearlyspringyay · 15/03/2022 15:52

I wouldnt even bother sending the text, its wasting your energy. Just dont invite her to events, and take the fallout.

Sorry my apostrophe key isnt working!

WhatNoReally · 15/03/2022 15:53

I don't think you're pathetic at all. I think you're brave to say something, but you should get it off your chest. Don't worry about people saying 'say more' or 'say less', it's your message so phrase it how you want. It reads fine to me.

WouldIwasShookspeared · 15/03/2022 15:54

She won't care.
She'll likely turn round and make you the bad guy.

Original poster
Myfootfeckinghurts · 15/03/2022 15:54

Fuck, so is this all my fault that’s I took her home? Do I have no right to be upset with her because it was my decision to take her home and cut my night short?
One of our mates offered to lend her money to get in a taxi and I said no because I know poor MIL would end up footing the bill for the friend (separate issue!)

OP posts:
HuntingoftheSnark · 15/03/2022 15:55

I would send it. It doesn't sound pathetic and I think that expressing emotion is fine in this instance. She may well brush it off but if she's pulled up every time she ruins an evening or event, it will have an effect and I can pretty much guarantee that once the guilt, fear, regret and remorse hit, your words will hit home too. I also think better in text than face to face. In print, words can really sink in and there won't be an automatic response "I was fine!"

I say this as a recovering alcoholic of many years, who is still mortified by some of the behaviour I displayed in my drinking days.

ForeverSingle881 · 15/03/2022 15:55

The message is all about your feelings and makes you look too emotional when the real point should be that her behaviour is unacceptable. I'd rephrase it because you're taking too much blame in that text and you're almost apologising for how you feel. Keep it shorter as well.

Gonnagetgoing · 15/03/2022 15:56

Hang on, you say she lives with your MIL? Does she work? Have a partner?

You could say that you really thinks she needs to get help with her drink problem but she might be unhappy because you have things she wants - a husband, baby etc.

Justkeepon · 15/03/2022 15:56

Arrange another night out - obviously don't invite SIL to that one. I wouldn't have a night out with her again. Send the text if it will make you feel better, she might take things on board or she might not but I agree she needs to be held accountable.

not let my DD near her I don't think making sure her niece ever sees her should be used as a punishment, she's an alcoholic not a predator. Obviously you wouldn't leave her in charge of DD but not letting her near her is too far

Comedycook · 15/03/2022 15:58

She's ill. My father was an alcoholic. They are very selfish people. Don't send the message. It will be like shouting into the wind and will achieve absolutely nothing

incognitoforthisone · 15/03/2022 15:58

Now I’ve written this all out you all probably think I’m pathetic for even being angry and upset but I’m honestly reeling from it days later.

You are absolutely not pathetic. It's completely understandable that you are angry and upset.

I would definitely confront her about her drinking and the impact it has on everyone else. I probably wouldn't do it in the quite the way you've suggested, because I think it reads more like 'I'm demanding an apology and this is about me' rather than 'You're my SIL and DH and I love you, but we're at a point where we can't say nothing about the impact of your drinking any more and it's because we love you that we want you understand what a problem it is.'

I imagine she'll react badly either way, but the latter approach might at least give her something to think about.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 15/03/2022 15:59

@Myfootfeckinghurts she's an alcoholic, she'll always blame someone else.

Don't let there be a next time but if there is, let the friend lend her money, let it become MIL's problem.

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