Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To send this text to my SIL..

207 replies

Myfootfeckinghurts · 15/03/2022 15:23

I am very angry at my SIL.

I’ll try and keep the explanation brief.. She ruined a very rare, child free night out with a large group of friends who I hadn’t seen in ages for mine and a good friends birthday. We are at a comedy club in an local city. She got wankered, refused to just sit and enjoy the comedy without an alcoholic drink so got kicked out. I wasn’t drinking, my night cut very short to take her home.

She has a ‘secret’ drinking problem (will drink vodka and coke in a from a coloured water bottle she keeps in a her handbag so no one suspects) and jokes about being an alcoholic- most infuriatingly, she will never own her shit. She just forgets stuff because she gets shit faced and no one brings her up on it because they don’t want to hurt her feelings- she has depression.

I was just going to leave it as a ‘oh just another stupid thing SIL has done whilst under the influence’ and sweep it under the rug but I can’t. I’m upset, I’m angry and I need to let her know so she can take accountability for her actions.

I was going to send this message to her:
SIL,

I wasn't going to say anything and just 'sweep it under the rug', you know I'm not one for confrontation.

But, I'm sorry but I can't. I've had a few days to try and let my feelings die down a little and see how I felt. My feelings haven't died down and they're still as, if not more intense.

I need you to know how much you've upset me. That night out was the first night out I've had with that group of friends for years, I was so looking forward to it. It was also for my birthday as well after all. And you ruined it for me.

You wouldn't have realised as you were asleep but I was crying most of the way home. I was disappointed that my night ended abruptly. I was annoyed I had paid money for a ticket which wasn't used as I had to leave early. I'm angry at you that you drank yourself into such a state you got asked to leave, and that you insisted on leaving instead of just joining us back the at the table to just have soft drinks.

And honestly, I don't think you would have even text to apologise had it not been that you left my phone in my car.

I am upset, I need time. Don't worry about replying. I just needed to let you know how I am feeling.

Is this too harsh?

OP posts:
cranberryhaddock · 15/03/2022 17:42

@Lime37

You don’t sound very nice tbh and a bit selfish. Tell her she needs to sort her self out or she will kill her self and don’t invite her to social situations where there will be drinking. Ask her how the family can support it sobriety
Bloody hell. Did you read the OP properly?? The offer of support is a good idea, but I don't think the OP's at all selfish for being angry about this and wanting her SIL to see the consequences of her actions. I'd have had to say something too, I wouldn't have been able to swallow my anger and disappointment in those circumstances.
RandomBasic · 15/03/2022 17:42

@Squeezita

She wouldn’t have been left alone drunk, another friend was organising a taxi for her.

I wouldn't leave a friend drunk and alone with a taxi driver.

Squeezita · 15/03/2022 17:44

[quote RandomBasic]@Squeezita

She wouldn’t have been left alone drunk, another friend was organising a taxi for her.

I wouldn't leave a friend drunk and alone with a taxi driver.[/quote]
Not for you to judge is it.

NaomhPadraigin · 15/03/2022 17:44

Can you join something like Al Anon to get advice and help on how you should deal with her?
Also, NEVER invite her anywhere ever again.

WickedStepmomNOT · 15/03/2022 17:45

@Lime37

You don’t sound very nice tbh and a bit selfish. Tell her she needs to sort her self out or she will kill her self and don’t invite her to social situations where there will be drinking. Ask her how the family can support it sobriety
Are you the SIL?
ESGdance · 15/03/2022 17:47

@Myfootfeckinghurts

Yeah I think I understand now. I won’t be messaging her, DH let her know how I was feeling Saturday morning. I won’t be so enabling from now on also. Hopefully this will be a turning point for her to sort herself out.
Good for you.

Step back and step up.

Emotionally detach from her and the whole enabling family system (sounds like the MIL is minimising and in denial).

It’s unlikely to be the turning point for her - but it might be the first straw and it time (years and years) she may change.

But it’s a turning point for you and your little family. Drop the rope.

This is actually a helpful action to her in the long run. She needs to feel and experience the consequences of her actions.

CannibalQueen · 15/03/2022 17:47

Should have put her in a cab. Or called husband to come and get her.

something2say · 15/03/2022 17:48

I'd send it.
OP deserves the release. Stand up for yourself girl, good on you.

Then as others have said, avoid contact from now on. Sorry your night out was ruined x

StooOrangeyForCrows · 15/03/2022 17:50

You're a better man than me Gungadin. I would have sent,

'SIL. After the other night, if you ever come near me or mine or even look at me, I will kick you until you're dead'

ChampagneLassie · 15/03/2022 17:54

@Thursday37

I’d be sending

“You ruined my birthday and haven’t even tried to apologise. You are an embarrassment and I want nothing more to do with you. Do everyone a favour and get some help with your alcoholism.”

Why on earth you left early is beyond me though. I would’ve just disowned her.

This - I'm stone cold sober and I barely had attention span to get through the long message. Keep it brief and do her a favour with a bit more hard-hitting. Don't know why you're apologising to her.
2bazookas · 15/03/2022 17:55

She won't think it's "harsh" because it's all about you and your feelings.She doesn't care about you and your feelings.

You know she's an alcoholic, you knew she would get drunk; when she got thrown out of the venue you should have left her to it. SO LONG AS you act as the safety net, the rescuer who will pick-up-the-pieces, get-her-home safe, you are her enabler. You enable her to be irresponsible and self destructive.

WisherWood · 15/03/2022 17:55

You sound lovely-maybe a bit too nice,by your own admission, but better that than be one of those people who would leave a woman in such a state to find their own way home.

I wouldn't leave a friend in that state if they rarely got drunk and had just had a few too many on that one occasion. But alcoholics are different. You can't keep cushioning them when they fall. They have to fall, with all that that entails. If you help them, you do so at a cost to yourself, whilst enabling them to stay as alcoholics. If you don't help them, they'll have to take the consequences of their actions. This may or may not prompt them to get help. But either way, it's better than you bearing the brunt of it whilst protecting them.

bluedodecagon · 15/03/2022 17:59

[quote RandomBasic]@Squeezita

She wouldn’t have been left alone drunk, another friend was organising a taxi for her.

I wouldn't leave a friend drunk and alone with a taxi driver.[/quote]
The OP didn’t put her in the taxi to spare her MIL the cost! She obviously felt it was safe enough. SIL’d be going in a taxi and she’d be liking it or lumping it.

And by that measure, any time an alcoholic or drug addict called you and asked for money, by saying no, you are responsible for everything that happens to them. Which is ridiculous. You cannot martyr people out of alcoholism. You can’t set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.

It’s not “niceness”, it’s enabling and people pleasing and it is bad. The people defending it on this thread (cough cough) probably have addict or alcoholic DHs and poor boundaries but can’t cope with the fact they’ve thrown their lives away.

REP22 · 15/03/2022 18:02

I've got nothing to add really, but I wanted to say that you sound like a lovely person and I'm so sorry that your nice night out was ruined, and in such a mortifying way.

I'd agree that she shouldn't be invited along again unless she gets help. It sounds like she's got a fairly advanced problem. I don't know whereabouts you are, but these people are brilliant if she wants to look into getting some help: www.inclusion.org/our-services/drug-alcohol-services/. Drinking like that really is a one-way street and I hope your SIL takes this as the sign to start making changes.

I'm glad that your DH was able to tell her how you felt.

Very best wishes to you. x

AuntieMarys · 15/03/2022 18:08

I would have nothing to do with her.

Blimpop · 15/03/2022 18:10

Op- you're being to soft.

I'd say- sil I don't think you realise how damaging your drinking is, you need help. While you don't see i as an issue, I do, you've ruined a rare night out for me (and what ever other trouble it's caused) and for that reason I won't be inviting you out. If you want help to control your drinking, I'm here for you when your ready to take responsibility.

Ditch the mil too. You don't need that shit, unless they're prepared to take responsibility.

Frozenlikeablockofmarble · 15/03/2022 18:17

My SIL did similar.

A childish alcohol-fuelled temper tantrum at a dinner we hosted for DH’s significant birthday at a wonderful venue - aimed first at me, then DH, then embarrassing and upsetting other guests. It was unforgivable.

I will never, as long as I live, be in the same room as my SIL again. That line is well and truly crossed. I spent weeks trying to write her a letter and never did send it in the end, but I was left reeling just as you were.

I have no further interest whatsoever. DH’s relationship with his sister is up to him. I’ve been NC ever since and there will never be a way back. You’d be within your rights to do the same.

Hollywolly1 · 15/03/2022 18:17

To be honest with you I think you are wasting your time sending a message and you are only annoying yourself,regarding MIL she will most certainly take her side and she probably has her spoilt and in my opinion that's half SIL problem.
Do not let on anymore if you are going on nights out just go as you deserve to.

Hollywolly1 · 15/03/2022 18:20

P.s she won't have a damn about your feelings and neither will your MIL no matter how good you think she is because when it comes down to it its your SIL side she'll take every time

Squeezita · 15/03/2022 18:20

@bluedodecagon

The OP didn’t put her in the taxi to spare her MIL the cost! She obviously felt it was safe enough. SIL’d be going in a taxi and she’d be liking it or lumping it.

And by that measure, any time an alcoholic or drug addict called you and asked for money, by saying no, you are responsible for everything that happens to them. Which is ridiculous. You cannot martyr people out of alcoholism. You can’t set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.

It’s not “niceness”, it’s enabling and people pleasing and it is bad. The people defending it on this thread (cough cough) probably have addict or alcoholic DHs and poor boundaries but can’t cope with the fact they’ve thrown their lives away.

Totally agree

Roundeartheratchriatmas · 15/03/2022 18:20

You cannot change other people behaviour - you can only change how you respond to it.

Next time just let her make her own way home.

tkwal · 15/03/2022 18:22

No, not too harsh. But I would write a note containing just that and go to see her in person. Then let her read the note. She may have spoilt your night up but she's on a path to destroy her own, and her entire family's lives. You will be acting in her best interests. Having that bottle in her handbag tells me she is rarely completely sober. Does she drive ?. She will probably try to shoot the messenger but you say others are aware of her problem. Your action could inspire them to join in and say something similar to her. She can't continue in denial in those circumstances

marypoppins2022 · 15/03/2022 18:23

I think you should send it

UKRAINEwearewithyou · 15/03/2022 18:25

Don't invite her on any future nights out.

Send links to AA, help etc. then go low contact and only when necessary.

Sceptre86 · 15/03/2022 18:28

If anything it's too wordy and not harsh enough. You need to decide how much you actually want to have to do with her. Next time don't invite her out, if she finds out and wants to tag her along be blunt and say you wanted a night off from taking care of someone else and her getting bladdered isn't enjoyable for you.