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AIBU?

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Original poster

To send this text to my SIL..

207 replies

Myfootfeckinghurts · 15/03/2022 15:23

I am very angry at my SIL.

I’ll try and keep the explanation brief.. She ruined a very rare, child free night out with a large group of friends who I hadn’t seen in ages for mine and a good friends birthday. We are at a comedy club in an local city. She got wankered, refused to just sit and enjoy the comedy without an alcoholic drink so got kicked out. I wasn’t drinking, my night cut very short to take her home.

She has a ‘secret’ drinking problem (will drink vodka and coke in a from a coloured water bottle she keeps in a her handbag so no one suspects) and jokes about being an alcoholic- most infuriatingly, she will never own her shit. She just forgets stuff because she gets shit faced and no one brings her up on it because they don’t want to hurt her feelings- she has depression.

I was just going to leave it as a ‘oh just another stupid thing SIL has done whilst under the influence’ and sweep it under the rug but I can’t. I’m upset, I’m angry and I need to let her know so she can take accountability for her actions.

I was going to send this message to her:
SIL,

I wasn't going to say anything and just 'sweep it under the rug', you know I'm not one for confrontation.

But, I'm sorry but I can't. I've had a few days to try and let my feelings die down a little and see how I felt. My feelings haven't died down and they're still as, if not more intense.

I need you to know how much you've upset me. That night out was the first night out I've had with that group of friends for years, I was so looking forward to it. It was also for my birthday as well after all. And you ruined it for me.

You wouldn't have realised as you were asleep but I was crying most of the way home. I was disappointed that my night ended abruptly. I was annoyed I had paid money for a ticket which wasn't used as I had to leave early. I'm angry at you that you drank yourself into such a state you got asked to leave, and that you insisted on leaving instead of just joining us back the at the table to just have soft drinks.

And honestly, I don't think you would have even text to apologise had it not been that you left my phone in my car.

I am upset, I need time. Don't worry about replying. I just needed to let you know how I am feeling.

Is this too harsh?

OP posts:
jytdtysrht · 15/03/2022 17:17

I’d send it. It’s not harsh, just a factual description of how her behaviour impacted you.

I wouldn’t expect an apology.

I wouldn’t invite her out again either.

But too many people get away with shitty behaviour without being called out on it.

Bananabutter · 15/03/2022 17:18

To be honest, you allowed her to ruin your night.

You’re putting all the blame on her, but this happened because you aren’t assertive. It happened because you couldn’t say no. It happened because you wanted to play the martyr.

You can’t change her behaviour, but you can and should change your own rather than blaming someone else.

SpeckledlyHen · 15/03/2022 17:18

@TheUndoingProject

She’s an alcoholic. Telling her she hurt your feelings isn’t going to get her to change her behaviour. Just don’t invite her to events.
This
blisstwins · 15/03/2022 17:18

@Luckingfovely

It's too long and too emotional.

You need to edit, heavily.

You're not in the wrong, she is. Most of the text sounds like you're apologising to her.

Tell her what she did wrong, and that you are furious.

Agree. Be more direct.
TidyDancer · 15/03/2022 17:19

I wouldn't send such a long text, but I do understand how you feel. My father was an alcoholic and he ruined many an event throughout my childhood.

I would send a shortened version of it, but mostly just to make yourself feel better - you need to accept it will be very unlikely to hit home enough to make a big difference. Tell her she's upset you, her behaviour is an embarrassment and you will no longer spend time around her when she's drinking and she will not be invited out with your friends again. It's short and factual.

She should've already apologised after your DH made it clear you were upset though.

ALongHardWinter · 15/03/2022 17:21

Agree with Thursday37's response.

Foolsrule · 15/03/2022 17:23

You chose to leave! Stop being such a martyr. You say she doesn’t own things but neither do you. You could have stayed but you went home early and blamed SIL.

PinkSyCo · 15/03/2022 17:28

OP ignore all the posters calling you a martyr and putting the blame all on you. You sound lovely-maybe a bit too nice,by your own admission, but better that than be one of those people who would leave a woman in such a state to find their own way home. Send the text, if only to get things off your chest and don’t invite your SIL to events in future until if/when she gets her drinking under control.

WickedStepmomNOT · 15/03/2022 17:28

@Thursday37

I’d be sending

“You ruined my birthday and haven’t even tried to apologise. You are an embarrassment and I want nothing more to do with you. Do everyone a favour and get some help with your alcoholism.”

Why on earth you left early is beyond me though. I would’ve just disowned her.

This ^^ Why didn't you send her home in a taxi and phone someone to meet her at the other end?
Crumpledegg · 15/03/2022 17:28

As others have said, she isn't going to care about your feelings or the fact she ruined something for you. Alcoholics don't change for anyone, and they don't get how much damage they are doing. But saying that, it also doesn't mean you shouldn't express how you feel, as after all, regardless of her condition, she did ruin your night out. So send your text, if it makes you feel better.
But next time, she can make her own way home!

HariboMuncher · 15/03/2022 17:29

I had a close family member who was an alcoholic and it's really difficult. I'd definitely stop inviting her to nights out and occasions involving alcohol, and if you do need to see her then have an escape plan.

Also, definitely keep your DD away until she sorts her drinking out - alcoholics can be unpredictable, argumentative and do and say things that you wouldn't want your kids to see.

Do your DH and MIL accept she's got a problem and needs help? If they do then that makes things easier. I know it's sometimes feels better to have said something to an alcoholic - I did with my relative and although she ignored it and played in the victim, at least I knew I'd tried. It's just that all of you intervening in a more organised way might have more effect that her getting a one off text, and her mum in particular is going to be really important to have onside.

Also, it sounds like she's still at the stage where she's able to mask some of it. Hopefully she'll realise and stop before it gets any worse, but unfortunately it may be that she carries on and so more of your circle notice she has an alcohol problem and incidents escalate. So have a think about how to manage that too, in terms of speaking to mutual friends.

BeHappy91818 · 15/03/2022 17:29

This is your fault. You should of just put her in a taxi.

WickedStepmomNOT · 15/03/2022 17:29

@Myfootfeckinghurts

I don’t want her to change her behaviour, I just want her know she really hurt my feelings and ruined my night.
You do want her to change her behaviour! For her sake, if not for your and your family's sakes.
HelenWick · 15/03/2022 17:30

BIL ruined DH 21st in a similar way. Then when I told him I was staying and enjoying my night and he had to get a cab he was extremely verbally abusive. I ignored all apologies and have never spoken to him again, why bother, frankly. He is now a prescription drug and gambling addict. You cannot help her.

Original poster
Myfootfeckinghurts · 15/03/2022 17:30

Yeah I think I understand now.
I won’t be messaging her, DH let her know how I was feeling Saturday morning.
I won’t be so enabling from now on also.
Hopefully this will be a turning point for her to sort herself out.

OP posts:
AnImposter · 15/03/2022 17:31

I wouldn't send it. Think you sounds like you're playing the martyr and it puts all the attention on your decision to take her home rather than the actual problem which is the drinking.
It'll make it easy for her to say ' well that was your choice' which is actually correct, and avoids the real issue.

RandomBasic · 15/03/2022 17:31

@bonfireheart

Should have left her to find her own way home.
No. Op did the right thing. Leaving her drunk and alone to be assaulted would be disproportionate.
WickedStepmomNOT · 15/03/2022 17:34

@Myfootfeckinghurts

Fuck, so is this all my fault that’s I took her home? Do I have no right to be upset with her because it was my decision to take her home and cut my night short? One of our mates offered to lend her money to get in a taxi and I said no because I know poor MIL would end up footing the bill for the friend (separate issue!)
No it's not your fault - but you must see in a way you're enabling her behaviour by just picking up the pieces. She's your SIL, not your child - your MIL needs to deal with her not leave it to you. Otherwise you've got years of this horrible behaviour ahead of you.

Yes you're right to be upset with her and let her know that - but make it more effective by not including her anymore when you and your friends go out, leave it to only including in family events at home.

Lime37 · 15/03/2022 17:35

You don’t sound very nice tbh and a bit selfish. Tell her she needs to sort her self out or she will kill her self and don’t invite her to social situations where there will be drinking. Ask her how the family can support it sobriety

Squeezita · 15/03/2022 17:36

@RandomBasic

No. Op did the right thing. Leaving her drunk and alone to be assaulted would be disproportionate.

She wouldn’t have been left alone drunk, another friend was organising a taxi for her.

RandomBasic · 15/03/2022 17:37

You don’t sound very nice tbh and a bit selfish.

Is that to OP? Yes, so selfish to give up her birthday celebration to take care of a drunk.

Squeezita · 15/03/2022 17:37

@Lime37

You don’t sound very nice tbh and a bit selfish. Tell her she needs to sort her self out or she will kill her self and don’t invite her to social situations where there will be drinking. Ask her how the family can support it sobriety
You sound like another alcoholic apologist.
WickedStepmomNOT · 15/03/2022 17:39

@Bananabutter

To be honest, you allowed her to ruin your night.

You’re putting all the blame on her, but this happened because you aren’t assertive. It happened because you couldn’t say no. It happened because you wanted to play the martyr.

You can’t change her behaviour, but you can and should change your own rather than blaming someone else.

That's not really fair, especially the 'It happened because you wanted to play the martyr' bit. No OP didn't want to play the matyr, she wanted to make sure drunk and incapable SIL got home safely. She's just been too nice.

Up til now, that is - OP's post sounds very 'last strawish' to me, and hopefully OP will take steps to protect herself from this drunken relative.

wtfisgoingonhere21 · 15/03/2022 17:39

@Myfootfeckinghurts

Hopefully it will also be a turning point for you in that you don't invite her to gatherings anymore and certainly don't enable her behaviour and ruin your night by dropping her home.

Let her get a cab and let mil sort her out in future if you do end up on the same night out.

SeasonFinale · 15/03/2022 17:42

Send it if it makes you feel better but the reality is you made the choice to leave and take her home.