To send this text to my SIL..

[Myfootfeckinghurts]

I am very angry at my SIL.

I’ll try and keep the explanation brief.. She ruined a very rare, child free night out with a large group of friends who I hadn’t seen in ages for mine and a good friends birthday. We are at a comedy club in an local city. She got wankered, refused to just sit and enjoy the comedy without an alcoholic drink so got kicked out. I wasn’t drinking, my night cut very short to take her home.

She has a ‘secret’ drinking problem (will drink vodka and coke in a from a coloured water bottle she keeps in a her handbag so no one suspects) and jokes about being an alcoholic- most infuriatingly, she will never own her shit. She just forgets stuff because she gets shit faced and no one brings her up on it because they don’t want to hurt her feelings- she has depression.

I was just going to leave it as a ‘oh just another stupid thing SIL has done whilst under the influence’ and sweep it under the rug but I can’t. I’m upset, I’m angry and I need to let her know so she can take accountability for her actions.

I was going to send this message to her:
SIL,

I wasn't going to say anything and just 'sweep it under the rug', you know I'm not one for confrontation.

But, I'm sorry but I can't. I've had a few days to try and let my feelings die down a little and see how I felt. My feelings haven't died down and they're still as, if not more intense.

I need you to know how much you've upset me. That night out was the first night out I've had with that group of friends for years, I was so looking forward to it. It was also for my birthday as well after all. And you ruined it for me.

You wouldn't have realised as you were asleep but I was crying most of the way home. I was disappointed that my night ended abruptly. I was annoyed I had paid money for a ticket which wasn't used as I had to leave early. I'm angry at you that you drank yourself into such a state you got asked to leave, and that you insisted on leaving instead of just joining us back the at the table to just have soft drinks.

And honestly, I don't think you would have even text to apologise had it not been that you left my phone in my car.

I am upset, I need time. Don't worry about replying. I just needed to let you know how I am feeling.

Is this too harsh?

I think it is fine for you to tell her how you feel, if it'll make you feel better. Don't expect any response that will make you feel better though. Also do not I cite her to future social events. You can't change her behaviour bit you can keep your distance from her so it doesn't have a negative impact on your life x

@Gonnagetgoing she works, has a new partner, that’s very early days. We are the same age. I believe there is a longing for husband/baby etc.

@Justkeepon yes sorry my mistake, definitely came out wrong. I mean as it not looking after her in sole charge as she always implies she wants to do.

absolutely send it. You are annoyed because of her behaviours, why should you keep biting your tongue?

People saying it will achieve nothing - so what? If it makes you feel better to clear your chest then do it. Its the more mature thing to do then sit and let it fester.

Clearly no-one else is bothered by her behviours, but that doesnt mean you cant have your opinion.

In the future, i would just not invite her out again. And if she even has the cheek to question why she was excluded, remind her of the night she ruined. And until she can keep a check on her drinking then you dont want any further nights ruined.

I think an important point is that you shouldn't have taken her home. At best, you should have put her in a cab and left her to it. So to my mind, if your'e going to send a message it's not just about last time but what will happen next time,

"I cannot believe that you ruined a rare night out for me with friends I haven't seen for a long time and that you haven't even bothered to apologise, or to reimburse me for my lost tickets, cab etc. This isn't the first time, so this is a warning that in future, I will not be bailing you out. If you get so drunk you can't see straight, you can find your own way home and I'll continue to enjoy my night out with friends."

I wouldn't send that text, it's too emotive. I would tell her how her drinking is affecting your life, and if she wants to carry on drinking and spoiling nights out over and over again, she won't be sharing any nights out with you in the future.

I had a friend who always needed a minder when we went out because she'd always drink herself into vomiting/unconsciousness within a short time. She used to claim she used alcohol to calm her nerves and would pre-drink before we went out. She ended up being ostracised by all of our friendship group. I'd love to tell you she got sober but she didn't, and she died in her late 30's of multiple organ failure.

I’m sorry she ruined your night op, alcoholics are inherently selfish. I’m a recovering alcoholic, 23 months sober and I had many a night like your sil. I’ve lost so many friends who got sick of me being a liability because of my drinking. If I was your sil and I got that text it would either make me feel so ashamed I’d reach for the bottle or I’d vow to never drink again and go ti AA depending on how rock bottom that was for me. Sadly for me it got much much worse before I hit my rock bottom but I hope for your sil it’s now. I do think you should tell her how you feel, you have a right to be heard. Unfortunately I think she’ll be defensive but I hope she is contrite and this is a wake up call. Either way it’s important she hears how her drinking impacted you. If there is a next time leave her to find her own way home, the more you do for her the more you enable her drinking.

One of our mates offered to lend her money to get in a taxi and I said no

Then yes, you ruined your own night.

@TheUndoingProject

She’s an alcoholic. Telling her she hurt your feelings isn’t going to get her to change her behaviour. Just don’t invite her to events.

And also make sure that all your friends and family know of her drinking.

It will solve nothing but cause massive drama just learn for next time

Why on earth did you invite her?

OP, you need have to agency in your own life, you can't be a martyr to maintaining good relations with in laws if it involves ruining own enjoyment in your own life.

Don't call SIL.
Don't text SIL.
Don't invite SIL out.
Don't accept SIL's invitations.
Don't be responsible for SIL ever again.

Yes it is your “fault” you took her home. If you listen to Al Anon they say that all addicts need to feel the full consequences of their behaviour - so lie in their own piss, wake up in their own shit in a doorway - get bollocked by the venue or arrested by the police.

You saved her from experiencing those consequences. You made life comfortable for her. She wouldn’t have a clue what happened - just she had a great night and must have been ferried home, tucked up in bed where she awoke snuggly the next morning.

Then you also ruined your own evening and are left with raging contempt.

Both of these could have been avoided.

It’s not blaming you - but you need to be accountable to see your contribution to “enabling” her alcoholism - by putting in a safety net, making her comfortable so she has zero consequences and can’t remember anything.

It’s a hard lesson to learn. Been there, done that.

Expect all of the ILs to turn on you to avoid dealing with her.

Send the text if it makes you feel better. But know that it will have zero impact on her and likely will trigger issues with your ILs.

But your ACTIONS are much more important now. Forget dialogue - maybe one simple message to them all “I’m done. Go get help”

And block.

With IL make her a non conversation topic. “I don’t want to talk about her. She needs professional help. I am not involved in her life . Change topic”

I am sorry this is in your family. The only way through it IMHO is to turn your back - have consequences with actions.

I would send a shortened version of the message. But I would add that you will not be in her company again if she's drinking.

Be prepared for her to ignore it.

Send it she needs to be held accountable

I would send it

OP you sound lovely and I definitely don’t think it’s your phone fault for taking her home
That’s a ridiculous statement to make. Your SIL was drunk therefore vulnerable and of course you felt like you had to take her home.
I think you did what any responsible adult would do.
Sorry your night out was a mess. Not sure if messaging her will make you feel any better because she probably just ignore it.

You are emptying your heart and pain. This is the sort of text I have sent in the past. Trust me, it really won’t help. This will be used against you. She is unable to hear it.

If you want to send something, let it be devoid of emotion. Eg ‘Do you remember last x day? And x venue asking you to leave? I also left with you to keep you safe and ensure you got home. This was the last time. I will no longer accept my plans and birthday treats to be ruined by your drunken behaviour.’

This is a boundary. You have something to push against whereas your message will be twisted to you winging and moaning.

The problem is this - you are all enabling her behaviour. Why did you take her home? You could have called DH or called a taxi to take her.

I would either send a very short text or tell her to her face that she, yet again, ruined your night out and you won't be going out again with in future and you won't be picking up the pieces for her. Everyone pussy footing around her is not helping her.

@ESGdance

Yes it is your “fault” you took her home. If you listen to Al Anon they say that all addicts need to feel the full consequences of their behaviour - so lie in their own piss, wake up in their own shit in a doorway - get bollocked by the venue or arrested by the police.

You saved her from experiencing those consequences. You made life comfortable for her. She wouldn’t have a clue what happened - just she had a great night and must have been ferried home, tucked up in bed where she awoke snuggly the next morning.

Then you also ruined your own evening and are left with raging contempt.

Both of these could have been avoided.

It’s not blaming you - but you need to be accountable to see your contribution to “enabling” her alcoholism - by putting in a safety net, making her comfortable so she has zero consequences and can’t remember anything.

It’s a hard lesson to learn. Been there, done that.

Expect all of the ILs to turn on you to avoid dealing with her.

Send the text if it makes you feel better. But know that it will have zero impact on her and likely will trigger issues with your ILs.

But your ACTIONS are much more important now. Forget dialogue - maybe one simple message to them all “I’m done. Go get help”

And block.

With IL make her a non conversation topic. “I don’t want to talk about her. She needs professional help. I am not involved in her life . Change topic”

I am sorry this is in your family. The only way through it IMHO is to turn your back - have consequences with actions.

Spot on

I wouldn’t send that text. It’s too waffling, and focuses on your feelings rather than her behaviour.

I’ve had a few days to reflect on the other night, and I feel it’s important for you to hear how your behaviour affects others.

That night out was the first night out I've had with that group of friends for years. I was so looking forward to it, and you ruined it for me.

You must be aware that you have a drinking problem. We all sweep it under the carpet and don’t mention it, but it’s time to understand that your actions have consequences for people.

I cannot and will not be inviting you out again, until you learn appropriate behaviour around alcohol, and stop putting yourself in a position where other people have to look after you at the expense of their night out.

I’m sorry if this sounds harsh, but I’m hurt and angry, and I think for your benefit you should address your issues with alcohol

@Thursday37

I’d be sending

“You ruined my birthday and haven’t even tried to apologise. You are an embarrassment and I want nothing more to do with you. Do everyone a favour and get some help with your alcoholism.”

Why on earth you left early is beyond me though. I would’ve just disowned her.

This Your message is way too long

@Luckingfovely

It's too long and too emotional.

You need to edit, heavily.

You're not in the wrong, she is. Most of the text sounds like you're apologising to her.

Tell her what she did wrong, and that you are furious.

I agree.

I would tbh, but then admittedly I am confrontational when I’ve had the piss taken out of me.

Is it likely to get her to change her behavior? Probably not, but rug sweeping doesn’t either. I see nothing wrong with having her face how you feel. You’re not likely to get any sort of meaningful response, but if it makes you feel better for expressing yourself as opposed to swallowing it then that’s something achieved in itself.

@Thursday37

I’d be sending

“You ruined my birthday and haven’t even tried to apologise. You are an embarrassment and I want nothing more to do with you. Do everyone a favour and get some help with your alcoholism.”

Why on earth you left early is beyond me though. I would’ve just disowned her.

^ This. She needs something short and sharp. I’m afraid similar will happen over and over unless she engages in help for her drinking, you could find the local AA meeting place and time and add that to the text.

[quote Myfootfeckinghurts]@Gonnagetgoing she works, has a new partner, that’s very early days. We are the same age. I believe there is a longing for husband/baby etc.

@Justkeepon yes sorry my mistake, definitely came out wrong. I mean as it not looking after her in sole charge as she always implies she wants to do.[/quote]
@Myfootfeckinghurts - well that's good.

I'd be inclined to cut her some slack but speak seriously to her and MIL etc and say she risks losing her partner and what she wants if she continues to drink irresponsibly.

I understand your logic that you didn’t want your MIL to foot the bill for a taxi again - but this is also inadvertently enabling your MIL to enable your SIL.

Your MIL needs to reach the end of her rope as well - otherwise you are all just facilitating and adapting and accommodating the alcoholic.