To send this text to my SIL..

[Myfootfeckinghurts]

I am very angry at my SIL.

I’ll try and keep the explanation brief.. She ruined a very rare, child free night out with a large group of friends who I hadn’t seen in ages for mine and a good friends birthday. We are at a comedy club in an local city. She got wankered, refused to just sit and enjoy the comedy without an alcoholic drink so got kicked out. I wasn’t drinking, my night cut very short to take her home.

She has a ‘secret’ drinking problem (will drink vodka and coke in a from a coloured water bottle she keeps in a her handbag so no one suspects) and jokes about being an alcoholic- most infuriatingly, she will never own her shit. She just forgets stuff because she gets shit faced and no one brings her up on it because they don’t want to hurt her feelings- she has depression.

I was just going to leave it as a ‘oh just another stupid thing SIL has done whilst under the influence’ and sweep it under the rug but I can’t. I’m upset, I’m angry and I need to let her know so she can take accountability for her actions.

I was going to send this message to her:
SIL,

I wasn't going to say anything and just 'sweep it under the rug', you know I'm not one for confrontation.

But, I'm sorry but I can't. I've had a few days to try and let my feelings die down a little and see how I felt. My feelings haven't died down and they're still as, if not more intense.

I need you to know how much you've upset me. That night out was the first night out I've had with that group of friends for years, I was so looking forward to it. It was also for my birthday as well after all. And you ruined it for me.

You wouldn't have realised as you were asleep but I was crying most of the way home. I was disappointed that my night ended abruptly. I was annoyed I had paid money for a ticket which wasn't used as I had to leave early. I'm angry at you that you drank yourself into such a state you got asked to leave, and that you insisted on leaving instead of just joining us back the at the table to just have soft drinks.

And honestly, I don't think you would have even text to apologise had it not been that you left my phone in my car.

I am upset, I need time. Don't worry about replying. I just needed to let you know how I am feeling.

Is this too harsh?

Ignore everyone saying you're in the wrong and a martyr.
You just hadn't reached your limit yet.
Now you have.

My sister was an alcoholic. I'm glad you have decided not to send the text as she'd just turn it around to you being the bad guy. Honestly I would disengage. Even if you see her because you bump into her in the street just say the minimum. Invite MIL to your house or meet out of her house away from SIL.

My mum has just about beaten her alcoholism, it's taken many years, her losing her daughter and husband to alcohol. She doesn't see her oldest grandchild because of it but does now see my children (still fully supervised just in case). I am seeing glimpses of the real person now so there is some hope that she may come out the other side.

The only person who will get your SIL there is her. Only she can make that decision and the amount of interventions or heart felt conversations won't cut it.

Yanbu to be angry. If you send something it needs to be short and sweet.

SIL. You ruined my night and I'm pissed off. OP

It sounds like your MIL and people like you enable SIL's behaviour. She won't feel bad or apologize as alcoholics are selfish but by doing things like taking her home early, you are preventing her from hitting rock bottom and contemplating change. You should have stayed to watch the show. Do you think she'd notice if she'd slept in a cell or her bed until the next morning ? People don't consider changing unless they hit rock bottom. Maybe she needs to piss herself in the street or have the police escort her home?

It doesn't matter whether you send it or not, it won't have the desired imagine.

I heard this before at a support group for families of alcoholics.

There is no point in testing to use logic or reasoning when talking to any alcoholic. If they accepted logic and reasoning, they wouldn't be an alcoholic. When alcohol takes hold, you are talking to the bottle, not the person drinking from it. You only wear yourself out, not them.

@cherryonthecakes

Yanbu to be angry. If you send something it needs to be short and sweet.

SIL. You ruined my night and I'm pissed off. OP

It sounds like your MIL and people like you enable SIL's behaviour. She won't feel bad or apologize as alcoholics are selfish but by doing things like taking her home early, you are preventing her from hitting rock bottom and contemplating change. You should have stayed to watch the show. Do you think she'd notice if she'd slept in a cell or her bed until the next morning ? People don't consider changing unless they hit rock bottom. Maybe she needs to piss herself in the street or have the police escort her home?

Agree with this. A wake up call is waking up in her own piss / shit / shop doorway or police cell.

Sunlight is the best disinfectant.

If you are worried about awkward socialising with her and others in you village - dare to say “No can’t do that - she’s a problematic drinker” - EVERYONE else knows how she behaves and what she is. Don’t be worried about saying what everyone else sees. Others will be relieved that you have said it.

I know you mean well OP but as pp said you need to stop inviting SIL on nights out and if she asks why then it's ok to say that she always drinks too much and ruins your night. Socialise with her at home so she can sleep but you shouldn't martyr yourself and give up every event.

If someone on here asked SIL about her night out, what do you think she'd say? My guess is she'd say she had a great night, was brought home by her SIL (you) and had her mum make a fry up in the morning or something similar. I bet it wouldn't occur to her that you'd taken her home early or that you were mad.

@Derbee

I wouldn’t send that text. It’s too waffling, and focuses on your feelings rather than her behaviour.

I’ve had a few days to reflect on the other night, and I feel it’s important for you to hear how your behaviour affects others.

That night out was the first night out I've had with that group of friends for years. I was so looking forward to it, and you ruined it for me.

You must be aware that you have a drinking problem. We all sweep it under the carpet and don’t mention it, but it’s time to understand that your actions have consequences for people.

I cannot and will not be inviting you out again, until you learn appropriate behaviour around alcohol, and stop putting yourself in a position where other people have to look after you at the expense of their night out.

I’m sorry if this sounds harsh, but I’m hurt and angry, and I think for your benefit you should address your issues with alcohol

Much better message to send