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AIBU?

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Original poster

To send this text to my SIL..

207 replies

Myfootfeckinghurts · 15/03/2022 15:23

I am very angry at my SIL.

I’ll try and keep the explanation brief.. She ruined a very rare, child free night out with a large group of friends who I hadn’t seen in ages for mine and a good friends birthday. We are at a comedy club in an local city. She got wankered, refused to just sit and enjoy the comedy without an alcoholic drink so got kicked out. I wasn’t drinking, my night cut very short to take her home.

She has a ‘secret’ drinking problem (will drink vodka and coke in a from a coloured water bottle she keeps in a her handbag so no one suspects) and jokes about being an alcoholic- most infuriatingly, she will never own her shit. She just forgets stuff because she gets shit faced and no one brings her up on it because they don’t want to hurt her feelings- she has depression.

I was just going to leave it as a ‘oh just another stupid thing SIL has done whilst under the influence’ and sweep it under the rug but I can’t. I’m upset, I’m angry and I need to let her know so she can take accountability for her actions.

I was going to send this message to her:
SIL,

I wasn't going to say anything and just 'sweep it under the rug', you know I'm not one for confrontation.

But, I'm sorry but I can't. I've had a few days to try and let my feelings die down a little and see how I felt. My feelings haven't died down and they're still as, if not more intense.

I need you to know how much you've upset me. That night out was the first night out I've had with that group of friends for years, I was so looking forward to it. It was also for my birthday as well after all. And you ruined it for me.

You wouldn't have realised as you were asleep but I was crying most of the way home. I was disappointed that my night ended abruptly. I was annoyed I had paid money for a ticket which wasn't used as I had to leave early. I'm angry at you that you drank yourself into such a state you got asked to leave, and that you insisted on leaving instead of just joining us back the at the table to just have soft drinks.

And honestly, I don't think you would have even text to apologise had it not been that you left my phone in my car.

I am upset, I need time. Don't worry about replying. I just needed to let you know how I am feeling.

Is this too harsh?

OP posts:
Merrymouse · 15/03/2022 16:48

@Pllink

OP has said she just wants to let SIL know how she feels so I'm not sure why people are giving her grief about "this won't change her". She's not trying to change her!! (Correct me if I'm wrong OP)

If that text is how you feel no-one can tell you it's wrong. They're your feelings. I understand just needing to get things off your chest sometimes. If sending that text will do that then go for it, I'm sure it'll feel like a relief and even if other people say its weak, expressing your feelings is always empowering.

Agree.

It won’t change your SIL, but you don’t need to pretend it’s all OK either.

Merrymouse · 15/03/2022 16:50

I also disagree that you are teaching her how to treat you.

She is an alcoholic regardless of how you treat her.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 15/03/2022 16:52

I'd just message something like

"I was really looking forward to the comedy club, and you ruined it for me. We are done. Please delete my number from your phone"

Then block her and remover her from your socials.

Harrysmummy246 · 15/03/2022 16:52

Not appropriate to text. Face to face.
Don't invite her next time.

PinkSyCo · 15/03/2022 16:53

I don’t think that text is too harsh at all OP, and I say this as someone who has suffered with depression and alcohol dependency. Alcoholism can make you very selfish and I see no harm in letting your SIL’s behaviour affected you at all, quite the opposite in fact.

Talkingmouse · 15/03/2022 16:53

Don’t send any message. Pointless. And may blow up in your face.

This is a bit harsh, but you brought it on yourself. Don’t invite her out again. Or if you have to be out with her as in same village/social circle then remember: she is not your responsibility. Leave her to her own devices. Just ignore whatever chaos she is creating.

lastoneintown · 15/03/2022 16:54

@TheUndoingProject

She’s an alcoholic. Telling her she hurt your feelings isn’t going to get her to change her behaviour. Just don’t invite her to events.
This.
Yellow85 · 15/03/2022 16:54

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

I'd just message something like

"I was really looking forward to the comedy club, and you ruined it for me. We are done. Please delete my number from your phone"

Then block her and remover her from your socials.

Really?? So someone with an alcohol problem should be dropped by everyone? I for one would hope my family would offer me help and support rather than allow me to spiral further by cutting me off.

They would obviously and rightly be angry and it takes some time to get to that point.

PinkSyCo · 15/03/2022 16:56

I'd just message something like

"I was really looking forward to the comedy club, and you ruined it for me. We are done. Please delete my number from your phone"

Then block her and remover her from your socials.

I completely disagree with this kind of text. It will only make her defensive and angry. Your intended text will shame her, which would be far more effective.

DonnyBurrito · 15/03/2022 16:59

I think you should let her know you won't be inviting her to any more events like this as you can't risk her drinking spoiling them for everyone else. Don't just ghost her like some have suggested, that's just spineless. You want her to know you're upset, but I think you should more focus on asserting your boundaries with her for the future here rather than just telling her you're upset. Your message is a bit guilt trippy, and if she really does have a drinking problem, I feel it wouldn't do much other than just make her want to drown her sorrows.

PinkSyCo · 15/03/2022 17:00

and I see no harm in letting your SIL’s behaviour affected you at all, quite the opposite in fact.

Above is meant to say ‘see no harm in letting your SIL know how her behaviour affected you.’Blush

15MinutesOlder · 15/03/2022 17:02

@HermioneWeasley

This is something that needs to be done in a conversation not a text or email
Exactly this 👆👆👆
HomeHomeInTheRange · 15/03/2022 17:03

One of our mates offered to lend her money to get in a taxi and I said no because I know poor MIL would end up footing the bill for the friend

That’s between SIL and MIL. Why is it your responsibility to protect MIL from the behaviour of her own Dd? Why is your ticket money, time with your friends and your birthday less important than a taxi fare?

It isn’t your fault, and you have a right to let her know how her behaviour affected you, but maybe also look at your boundaries.

Thinking2041 · 15/03/2022 17:03

It is not your fault for taking her home.
That was the kind thing to do. I know people are saying ‘you should have left her to fall on her face’ but really? What if something serious happened to her? She is your brothers sister. And I know people will say ‘well, it’s not your responsibility’ and of course, it isn’t. But there is a long-standing family connection here.

What she did is so so so annoying. But she is an alcoholic. I would hope my family would try and help me/stage an intervention/ something before totally leaving me to what is an awful illness alone.

Samarie123 · 15/03/2022 17:05

If you send that text she will end up playing the victim and turning other people against you.

The best course of action in my opinion is don't invite her or go anywhere she is going.

If you ever do go out with her and mutual friends again then that is your chance to say to her ''Right if you're coming with us - don't get pissed up and act like a twat like last time and expect me to babysit you - you're on your own if that happens'' and leave it at that.

She'll get the message and people will see your point more than if you send her that awful text.

lastoneintown · 15/03/2022 17:05

Alcoholics destroy their children's childhoods and their partners. They destroy their own lives. She really won't care about you being upset about a night out gone wrong, a night she probably doesn't even remember.

Chalk this up to experience and don't invite her to your night outs. Yes, you will have to see her at family events but don't invite her on night outs. Tell her why, tell her she's an alcoholic and that is why you are not inviting her if she asks, or anyone else asks.

Personally I would not send that text. You are sending it to get some penetration to her of how she made you feel, to get some acknowledgement, but you won't. I find that just makes the hurt much worse.

Unless she goes into recovery her life is going to be shit. So overall, you win.

jeaux90 · 15/03/2022 17:07

I'd be clear about not taking her out with you ever again too.

Justmuddlingalong · 15/03/2022 17:08

How do your friends react to her behaviour? Do they just roll their eyes and accept it, or does it spoil things for them too?

Whatwouldnanado · 15/03/2022 17:11

Your words will mean nothing but your actions may have more impact. Don't invite her again, keep your Dd away. She needs serious help but needs to find it herself.

BluebellsGreenbells · 15/03/2022 17:12

I wouldn’t send it.

Actions speak louder than words.

Don’t invite her out again. Who ever invites her takes her home. She’s not your responsibility.

MajorCarolDanvers · 15/03/2022 17:13

Communicating by text is awful. Phone her or meet her and talk.

diddl · 15/03/2022 17:14

"I told her all about what had happened, she didn’t seem bothered or surprised."

What did you think she might say though?

She wasn't really likely to start criticising her own daughter was she?

SIL knows that your are upset & would like an apology.

I wouldn't make a thing about telling her that you are done with her & not going to invite her out again.

Just deal with it as & when.

enjoyingscience · 15/03/2022 17:15

Agree that the message won’t do anything. You need to just not invite her next time and if she asks, tell her that you can’t risk another ruined night looking after her.

Ultimately, drinkers gonna drink, so the message is for your own benefit (which is fine, but don’t expect a reaction except for her to get pissed and feel sorry for herself).

WisherWood · 15/03/2022 17:15

It’s not blaming you - but you need to be accountable to see your contribution to “enabling” her alcoholism - by putting in a safety net, making her comfortable so she has zero consequences and can’t remember anything.

This. One of the best pieces of advice I got on dealing with my alcoholic father was to protect myself from his selfishness. And in part, this means no longer enabling him. So I don't pander to his drinking or protect him from the consequences. And I don't hide his alcoholism either. He's an alcoholic waste of space. It's a great shame, because underneath the alcoholism is a very talented and intelligent man.

Personally I think it would be better to have a conversation with her when she's sober than to send a text, as there's too much room for that to be misinterpreted and passed around. Then I'd do some reading about enabling and I'd go as low contact as possible.

I know you were trying to do a good thing OP. And I know how hard it is to let alcoholics feel the consequences of their actions. But they really don't get better whilst you prop them up and all that happens is you damage yourself.

Walkingalot · 15/03/2022 17:16

Bit late now but it would have been better to call m-i-l and tell her you're putting her in a taxi, she's shit faced and been asked to leave the venue. Her Mum would have to pay the other end.
Do not go out with her again (unless other direct members of the family are around). Stop feeling responsible for her. Do not let her shitty behaviour have the power to upset you again.
I wouldn't bother sending the text, I'd just block her.

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