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AIBU?

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Original poster

To send this text to my SIL..

207 replies

Myfootfeckinghurts · 15/03/2022 15:23

I am very angry at my SIL.

I’ll try and keep the explanation brief.. She ruined a very rare, child free night out with a large group of friends who I hadn’t seen in ages for mine and a good friends birthday. We are at a comedy club in an local city. She got wankered, refused to just sit and enjoy the comedy without an alcoholic drink so got kicked out. I wasn’t drinking, my night cut very short to take her home.

She has a ‘secret’ drinking problem (will drink vodka and coke in a from a coloured water bottle she keeps in a her handbag so no one suspects) and jokes about being an alcoholic- most infuriatingly, she will never own her shit. She just forgets stuff because she gets shit faced and no one brings her up on it because they don’t want to hurt her feelings- she has depression.

I was just going to leave it as a ‘oh just another stupid thing SIL has done whilst under the influence’ and sweep it under the rug but I can’t. I’m upset, I’m angry and I need to let her know so she can take accountability for her actions.

I was going to send this message to her:
SIL,

I wasn't going to say anything and just 'sweep it under the rug', you know I'm not one for confrontation.

But, I'm sorry but I can't. I've had a few days to try and let my feelings die down a little and see how I felt. My feelings haven't died down and they're still as, if not more intense.

I need you to know how much you've upset me. That night out was the first night out I've had with that group of friends for years, I was so looking forward to it. It was also for my birthday as well after all. And you ruined it for me.

You wouldn't have realised as you were asleep but I was crying most of the way home. I was disappointed that my night ended abruptly. I was annoyed I had paid money for a ticket which wasn't used as I had to leave early. I'm angry at you that you drank yourself into such a state you got asked to leave, and that you insisted on leaving instead of just joining us back the at the table to just have soft drinks.

And honestly, I don't think you would have even text to apologise had it not been that you left my phone in my car.

I am upset, I need time. Don't worry about replying. I just needed to let you know how I am feeling.

Is this too harsh?

OP posts:
BrownStripePJ · 15/03/2022 18:30

I'd implore her to get help rather than go on about your night out being ruined.

unname · 15/03/2022 18:34

I would send this message or something at least.

For me, I would probably just say "You ruined my night and damaged our relationship. I will not be going out with you again."

She may not care, but then at least you said it.

SpilltheTea · 15/03/2022 18:39

It's not your fault the night was ruined at all. You were just trying to be kind and get her home safe. She has an illness after all. That doesn't entitle her to behave like she did or excuse her behaviour, but it's understandable why you did what you did. Distancing yourself from her, and refusing to invite her to events going forward is all you can do. You can't help an alcoholic who doesn't want to help themselves and she will continue to ruin things for everyone else.

cherish123 · 15/03/2022 18:44

Too harsh. She clearly has a drink problem, which is an illness.

BlueOverYellow · 15/03/2022 18:46

@Myfootfeckinghurts

I don’t want her to change her behaviour, I just want her know she really hurt my feelings and ruined my night.
She won't care. She'll get defensive, then aggressive, because she's pretending she hasn't got a problem.

Should have told her to find her own way home or wait outside.

Stop enabling her behaviour.

misspeney · 15/03/2022 18:49

Send it, and hope it serves as a wake-up call and she will look for help.
And you get to deal with the hurt and frustration of the event rather than have it sit in you forever. deal with it and get closure.
Although i believe your mostly mad at yourself for being the victim in this situation.
And if no one ever says anything to her then how will she change! She needs a big wake-up call.

Shinyandnew1 · 15/03/2022 18:49

I wouldn’t send it, no. I can’t imagine it will do any good or make any difference.

Don’t invite her on any nights out though and I certainly wouldn’t be driving anywhere in future which might help facilitate her plans.

Clutterbugsmum · 15/03/2022 18:50

@Myfootfeckinghurts

Fuck, so is this all my fault that’s I took her home? Do I have no right to be upset with her because it was my decision to take her home and cut my night short? One of our mates offered to lend her money to get in a taxi and I said no because I know poor MIL would end up footing the bill for the friend (separate issue!)
I don't think you were wrong to take her home, as if something had happened to her if she went home by herself then you would feel guilty.

Send the text, go LC and never go out with her again.

Cocomarine · 15/03/2022 18:52

@Myfootfeckinghurts

Yeah I think I understand now. I won’t be messaging her, DH let her know how I was feeling Saturday morning. I won’t be so enabling from now on also. Hopefully this will be a turning point for her to sort herself out.
Why would it be a turning point? You ran around after her, were going to send a pretty gently worded message, and aren’t cutting ties because: same village. That’s hardly rock bottom for her, is it?
NurseBernard · 15/03/2022 18:57

Ah, I’m sorry.

It’s so shit having a long-looked forward event (I’m sure completely predictably) ruined in this way. Flowers

Agree with others who say sending a text is not the way to respond - glad you also agree, also.

Different tack:

  • No more inviting her to events like this.
  • No more being around her when she’s drinking.
  • No more rescuing her, baling her out or paying her way, just to help out MIL.

Absolutely no more.

She doesn’t deserve it, and it she certainly doesn’t appreciate it. You can’t change her, but you can change how you react to it.

All the best.

MurmuratingStarling · 15/03/2022 19:07

@Myfootfeckinghurts

I can't see the point in sending a message saying 'I need time and so on...'

Just end it with 'I am done with you. I never want to speak to you again.'

She sounds like a fucking horror, and people around her are enabling her. (Including you.)

Tell her she can fuck off out of your life until she sorts herself out, and make sure your DH knows you don't want her in your life. How ludicrous that YOU had to take your husband's sister home! Fuxake. Hmm

AngelinaFibres · 15/03/2022 19:11

@Myfootfeckinghurts

I would love to go low/NC but unfortunately village life doesn’t fit with that. I have to see her, we’re in the same circles of friends and (were) a close family. I just want to block her on everything and not let my DD near her.

Now I’ve written this all out you all probably think I’m pathetic for even being angry and upset but I’m honestly reeling from it days later.

Presumably the other friends in your village friendship groups also find her behaviour unacceptable. If a friend is organising something ask her not to invite your SIL. If your friend says "Oh we have to invite her she's brilliant fun" then you will know where their priorities lie. If SIL is as awful as you say they may be relieved that they don't have to invite her. They may think you want her there because she is your husband's sister
Onlyforcake · 15/03/2022 19:23

She does and will continue to put alcohol over everyone and everything in her life. It's not possible to support someone with a drinking problem. They have to want to quit. Or else you're just wasting your time, care and effort. She honestly won't care about the effect. Sure she might fake it, become tearful and morose. But nothing will change unless it's on her terms. Personally I will always choose to disengage from drinkers. I don't consider the necessary input to be worthwhile.

oldstudentmum · 15/03/2022 19:36

Send the message. Alcoholics are full of self pity poor me pour me another. ( I hate them my father was one) it’s not an illness it’s an addiction. I went very Lc with my father I couldn’t deal with it. . Don’t be an enabler ! They destroy lives and don’t care/oblivious to it as they have so many problems you must feel sorry for them ? “You don’t know what I’ve been through you don’t understand that’s why I drink” rinse repeat .

canary1 · 15/03/2022 19:40

Text is far too nice. Alcoholics are selfish bastards. Just don’t socialise with her ever again unless you wish this situation to recur.

SpaceFarce · 15/03/2022 19:41

I see you decided not to send it. I think that’s was a good call a it was far too waffly, doesn’t have much of a point, easily dismissed.

Agree that you’ve been a martyr and although her behaviour was crap, you can’t be upset because you cut your own night short when there were other viable options.

RachelGreeneGreep · 15/03/2022 19:46

@Myfootfeckinghurts

Yeah I think I understand now. I won’t be messaging her, DH let her know how I was feeling Saturday morning. I won’t be so enabling from now on also. Hopefully this will be a turning point for her to sort herself out.
Continue to keep well clear, that would be the last time that I would be in her company socially. If she tries to invite herself along another time, be prepared to say calmly, something along the lines of not a chance. Remember how you acted last time around. I'm not having another night ruined.

There can be a lot of enabling around people with addictions, especially within families. There are organisations that can help the families.

The person who is an alcoholic or drug addict has to recognise that they have a problem before they will do anything but that can take a long time or may never happen.

For your own sake, you need to protect yourself. I'm sorry your night was ruined, and hopefully you can have a good night out soon.

AngelinaFibres · 15/03/2022 19:47

My exhusband was an alcoholic. Whether the person is the most selfish person on earth or whether the addiction makes them the most selfish person on earth doesn't matter. The end result will ALWAYS be the same. She may start an evening out not intending to have a skin full . It will not last. Once an alcoholic has had several drinks the absolute arsehole within will emerge. Your husband is her brother. He doesn't want to be involved with her. There is no reason why you have to deal with her. Stop being so passive. Start saying NO

SpinningTheSeedsOfLove · 15/03/2022 19:52

@Lime37

You don’t sound very nice tbh and a bit selfish. Tell her she needs to sort her self out or she will kill her self and don’t invite her to social situations where there will be drinking. Ask her how the family can support it sobriety
Bollocks.

Cop on fgs.

WisherWood · 15/03/2022 19:56

Too harsh. She clearly has a drink problem, which is an illness.

Thing is. If someone has an illness, and they do nothing to get it treated, and that illness then affects you and many other people around them, after a while your patience does get rather thin. Dealing with alcoholics day in, day out, is exhausting. It's not harsh at all. Sometimes you need to give people a shock to the system in the hope they might actually seek help.

MotherofAutism · 15/03/2022 20:05

@Myfootfeckinghurts

Yeah I think I understand now. I won’t be messaging her, DH let her know how I was feeling Saturday morning. I won’t be so enabling from now on also. Hopefully this will be a turning point for her to sort herself out.
OP you need to send it! She was drunk she won't remember any of it
MotherofAutism · 15/03/2022 20:08

@Myfootfeckinghurts Unless you tell her exactly why you're angry then she won't have a clue as she was hammered! Too hammered to remember a thing by the sounds of it

bultaoreune · 15/03/2022 20:09

Don't out in writing what you can't say on their face, or leave an evidence. Tell this to her, to her face, and don't listen to what she has to say.

Beancounter1 · 15/03/2022 20:17

@Myfootfeckinghurts

Yeah I think I understand now. I won’t be messaging her, DH let her know how I was feeling Saturday morning. I won’t be so enabling from now on also. Hopefully this will be a turning point for her to sort herself out.
Hopefully this will be a turning point for you to sort yourself out.

Seriously - get some boundaries and some self-respect, stop being a people-pleaser, start to look after yourself. Make this the day you vow never to be such a doormat again.

Sorry to be harsh, but I think you need to realise how warped your thinking is about 'duty to others' versus 'self-care'.

MalagaNights · 15/03/2022 20:27

I'd send it and add:

I care about you but won't be around you when you drink anymore.
If you come to our home you don't drink and I won't go out socialising with you drinking.
I cannot allow your drinking to impact on my life anymore.

You need crystal clear boundaries.
This letter is you setting them and saying why.

It's not going to change her, it's going to change you.

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